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Feeling	By : Lewis_martine Category: > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 1472 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Feeling
- 1
TTTLE: Feeling

AUTHOR: Martine Lewis

E-MAIL: lewis_martine@yahoo.ca

RATING: NC-17

CATEGORY: B/S

SPOILER: Up to Wrecked. A/U: 'Once More, With Feeling' never happened and Buffy hadn't told anybody she was in Heaven.

DISCLAIMER: All Joss Whedon and co.

SUMMARY: Despair from being resurrected catches up with Buffy.

SPECIAL THANKS: Sincere thanks to Dawn Pares and Sarafina aka Gifted Spike for review, comments and grammar checks. They really help me a lot towards improvement.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: English is second language here� please, be kind�

She felt.

She felt the hard cross and stake in her hands, the coldness of her bedroom, the darkness of her soul.

Oh yeah, she felt, regardless of what they were saying.

Why? Oh God! Why?

Why had they taken her away from that place of joy and peace? Why had they brought her back to this Hell where she was suffering so much? Of course, nobody knew� except Spike. At least, hating him was not something she had to hide.

But now, everything had changed. In a moment of rage, she had given up� She had hit him and he had fought back!

He had fought back!

His chip was not working on her. What was she, anyway? Obviously, she was not human enough to cause Spike pain anymore.

He had fought back�

And she had been so desperate and mad that she had fought him like her very life had depended on it. But had it? Really? And the passion of her fight� their fight� had turned into an unbearable lust. She had wanted him so bad it had hurt more than his fist on her face. He had wanted her, too. And it had been explosive.

They had destroyed an entire building in the process, for crying out loud! And she had enjoyed every second of it, had wanted every second of it. He had made her feel so alive.

Alive�

And now, she was simply terrified.

Even if she was protecting herself against him, she wondered whom she was most afraid of�

She didn�t understand and she didn�t know what she had become. And she had had sex with Spike!

Spike!

Of all people!

Why? Why him? Why now?

She had pushed him away for 3 years but now, she simply gave in? What if she really loved him?

That thought was so terrifying for her confused mind that she began to tremble.

Since she'd been brought back, he was the only person she felt she could talk to, the only person she felt she could trust, the only person who could somewhat understand what she was going through. Why would she trust him so much with her most intimate thoughts? Why? And since when was she seeing him as a person and not a thing?

She didn�t know what to think anymore.

Deep inside, as much as she wanted to hate him, she wanted him with her. She wanted to cry but not alone. She wanted to be held by someone who would not ask anything, who would not try to make her say what was wrong, who could simply hold her�

She wanted Spike to hold her�

Everything was so completely wrong. She hated every second of this Hell that everybody called"life". She wanted to die and get back to heaven, to peace, to love, to rest.

Tears were falling down her cheeks. She wished somebody would hold her.

She was crying so hard, she barely heard the door open. She was only half-aware that somebody had sat down on her bed next to her.

This somebody slowly took the cross and the stake from her hands and put them on the bedside table. He then took her in his arms and gently stroked her hair, kissing the top of her head from time to time, and tightening his grip when her pain got too strong and threatened to overwhelm her, to make her stop breathing, or lose her mind.

She was barely aware of who it was but despite her foggy mind, her heart told her it was Spike. She was so sick; she thought her heart would explode. She grabbed his shirt and held on to him for dear life.

�Oh God! Please! Please! Don�t leave me!� she thought.

His presence was so reassuring. He didn�t ask anything, he just held on to her, keeping her from falling any deeper.

After a while, after being sure he was not leaving her, after being sure he wouldn�t question her, she relaxed and fell asleep without releasing her grip on his shirt.

The Niblet had been right, her sister was in pain.

Walking towards her room, he could feel the anguish emitting from her bedroom. Without even knocking, he slowly opened the door and was repelled by the strong smell of garlic.

But he felt her pain and wanted to be there and hold h/P>
He walked in the room with all the courage he could muster and closed the door behind him. He could not believe what she made him do; he could not believe he was walking in this extremely repulsive place.

Her pain was so strong, her distress was so great that he wanted to run to her and hold her right away, despite everything that his instincts were yelling at him. Then he saw the stake and the cross in her hands.

�Bloody Hell!� he thought with despair. �Why did you have to make my life so complicated, Slayer?�

Slowly, not to scare her more than she already seemed to be, he walked to the bed and sat on it. He put one of his hands on her shoulder and with the other one, took the stake from her hand and put it on the bedside table. He then took a few Kleenex out of the box. He knew this wouldn�t be easy, this would hurt horribly, that it was against everything his instincts told him to do, and it was already not easy with all this garlic in the room. He felt the beast in him coming forward and he couldn�t stop it. He knew it would be painful� Terribly painful.

Slowly, fearing the excruciating pain, he took the cross away from her hand.

Good God! It hurt!

Even with something between his hand and the cross, the pain was unbearable. But he knew better than to throw the cross away. Anything sudden would have taken her out of her stupor and that could be a lot worse than a cross burning his arm off.

He thought he would not be able to control the beast anymore when his hand finally reached the table and he dropped the cross on it. He then looked at his hand, losing his demon face. It was badly burned but he knew it would heal, and by the look of her, his hand would heal a lot better and faster than her pain.

He slowly repositioned himself to be comfortable and took her in his arms.

He loved her, everything about her. He had loved her for so long now� And he couldn�t bear to see her this way. She was his fighter; she always had something nasty to tell him� even if it hurt every time she did. But now, she was just a ball of pain and despair. And that was something he couldn�t bear.

Gently, he stoked her hair.

And than he felt it.

He felt the pain in her growing so strong, he thought her heart, her soul would be torn apart. Terrified that it would actually happen, he held her tightly in his arms, as if his arms would keep her from exploding.

�Luv! Luv! Please come back to me Luv,� he thought.

He could feel her walking a very fine line between sanity and insanity, sanity that would make her suffer for the rest of her days, and insanity that would surely kill her.

He wanted to tell her to hold on, but he knew in his heart that she didn�t want him to speak, to say anything. He knew she just wanted somebody to be there and hold her� He knew she wanted him to be there.

Why had her supposed friends put her through this? Why? They hadn�t thought even for a minute that she might have been in heaven. How selfish of them! They hadn�t even asked him his opinion about it; they hadn�t even bothered to tell him! No wonder she didn�t want to speak to any of them about what she was going through, no wonder she was coming to him!

Again, he could feel her pain grow and threaten to rip her apart, and this time, it hurt him, too.

He remembered when he had lost her, when she had laid dead in the rays of the morning sun. All her friends had been around her, but not him. He couldn�t because of the bloody sun. But he had cried, the pain had been real.

Tears fell down his cheek as he remembered her loss, and feeling her despair at being back, he hugged her tightly.

God, he loved her.

He loved her so much it hurt. He loved her so much that he could feel every second of her pain. He loved her so much; he was in her heart, in her head, in her soul. And it hurt. Oh God! It hurt. He could feel the turmoil, he could feel the anguish, and he could feel the insanity.

�Luv! I�m here, Luv! I�m not going anywhere. I am not going to ask anything� I�m simply here to hold you,� he thought.

Gradually, he could feel her relax in his arms, even if she was still holding his shirt so tightly it would have taken him a month to take her hands away at full-blown vampire strength.

He felt her relax more and more, and after a while, she fell asleep.

That is when he finally let his tears flow freely.

�What have they done to her?� he thought.

Slowly, the door opened and Spike saw Dawn walk in the room.

As she walked in the room, Dawn was assault by an awful smell. Worried, she looked at her sister in Spike�s arms.

Spike looked at her and winced as if something was hurting him.

"She okay?" she whispered.

Spike nodded

Intently, he looked towards the windows and Dawn followed his glance

And she realized what he had done. The smell was totally unbearable� And Spike had braved it to be with her sister! It was love at its purest expression, in Dawn�s mind, and she hoped that she would be loved like this when she got older.

�He must have been through Hell just to be with her,� she thought.

Rapidly, she opened a window and threw the garlic outside. She then walked toward him and saw the cross-wrapped in Kleenex on the desk. And that�s when she figured how truly and deeply he must love her sister.

She looked at him. He shrugged but his eyes expressed a deep gratitude. saw saw he had been crying, but she also knew it was not because her sister had hurt him this time. Buffy was holding his shirt tightly, she could see that.

Dawn took the cross and threw it in the drawer. She could tell that Spike was finally relaxing.

"Thanks Niblet," his lips said.

"Love you," said Dawn.

She could see his smug smile before she walked away to let them rest in peace.

When Spike woke up thxt mxt morning, it was light outside. Obviously the Niblet had come back during the night. Thick blankets were hanging over the windows and a blanket also covered him and the lovely woman he was holding.

Spike was grateful for the Niblet. Like Joyce, she had always liked him and trusted him even when the other Scoobies didn�t. He loved her like a sister and was glad he had her in his unlife.

He looked at Buffy in his arms, and kissed the top of her head again. She was still holding his shirt like her life depended on it, but he knew she�d had a restful sleep. She hadn�t moved all night.

He knew she was awake when her heartbeat changed. And he could feel it accelerate as if something was making her nervous. Gently, he kissed her hair again, thinking that this wonderful night had come to an end.

Slowly, Buffy stirred and took a deep breath. She felt so comfortable, she didn�t want to move. As her mind cleared of the morning fog, she realized that somebody was holding her. And that somebody was Spike felt him kiss her hair and it calmed the turmoil in her mind. Gradually, she began to remember what had happened the night before. Spike had come to her room, despite the garlic, and had taken the stake and cross out of her hands. He had then taken her in his arms and stayed with her until morning.

Wait a minute: garlic? Cross? Morning?

She opened her eyes and saw it was already past 9 on her alarm clock. She sleepily sat and looked around her.

A stake on the bedside table but no cross to be seen.

No garlic at the windows.

Thick blankets at the windows.

And a Spike who visibly didn�t know where to look.

�He stayed with me all night,� she thought.

And she saw his burned hand.

�The cross, he even dared the cross!� she thought.

She lay back against him and put her arms around him.

"Morning" she said.

�She will most probably get mad and kick my ass out of her bed!� he thought, when she woke up.

But at his kiss, she relaxed in his arms.

He saw her sit and look around, and then look at him.

Under this look, he didn�t know what to do, he didn�t know where to look, he didn�t know what to think. She would punch him, he was sure of it.

When she lay back against him, he was so taken aback that he tensed.

�What in all Hell is going on?� he thought.

"Morning" she said.

He felt hers arms around him and he put his arms around her, still shocked out of his mind, almost afraid to be happy.

"Morning," he whispered.

Wow!

�Somebody, pinch me!� he thought.

>Slowly, he relaxed in the embrace and inhaled the smell of her hair to make sure he would remember all aspects of this wonderful moment for his eternal unlife.

Buffy was in his arms! And she was not kicking his ass!

She was silent and immobile but he knew she wasn�t asleep. She hugged him tightly as if she was afraid he would leave. He didn�t know if he should break the silence but he figured he might as well go with the flow.

"Spike, please don�t leave me," she said.

"Pet, I�m not going anywhere," he said gently."I�m staying right here."

Buffy kissed his chest and inhaled deeply. He smelled so much like his usual self � cigarettes and leather � that it was reassuring. She felt his hands caressing her hair and her back and she felt like she wanted more. She wanted to be loved again� Sweetly loved like she had been with Angel and Riley. She wanted Spike to love her, not just lust after her. She wanted to feel him inside her body, inside her mind.

Spike felt her heartbeat quickening again and he knew she wanted him. If the situation had been any different, he would have grinned in triumph� but he didn�t want Buffy like that. He didn�t want to abuse her� a strange concept since a little while ago, he would have fucked her then and there in a heartbeat. But now, everything was different. She had opened her heart and soul to him, and he didn�t think that abusing her would be any fun for anybody. She trusted him and he didn�t want to lose that� Not when he finally had what he had been craving for so desperately and so long.

He felt her hand going towards his inner thighs and delicately took it away.

"Buffy, Luv, please� Not like that," he murmured."I want you very much but I don�t want to do something you might regret later"

And he could not believe he was actually saying that to her. He really was becoming a poofter.

�And me against her belly bloody well confirmed the �me wanting her� part!� he thought.

"Spike, please don�t go," she said, shutting her eyes tightly to prevent tears from falling.

Spike could feel the lump in her throat.

"I�m not going any where, Luv� I�m staying right here with you."

A few minutes later, Spike felt Buffy�s respiration calm again and he knew she had fallen asleep.

A few hours later, Buffy woke up again. She sat upright in her bed when she could not feel Spike underneath her. Suddenly worried, she looked around her: he wasn�t there! There was no sign of him!

�No� No!� she thought.

Despair was filling her soul. She had found someone she thought would not leave her and he was gone. Again. But she couldn�t deal anymore. She didn�t want him to leave. Why did she even trust Spike, anyway? She needed someone so badly but now, he was gone.

"No� no! Spike!" she yelled, filled with despair, tears running down her cheeks.

She was simply too desperate to even think about being mad at him, which would have been her normal reaction.

She heard someone run from the hallway, someone taking her into his arms, someone who smelled like�soap?

"Slayer� Luv! I�m right here."

Crying, Buffy clutched at him, digging her fingers in his arms.

"Buffy, I told you I wasn�t going anywhere," said Spike softly.

This situation was totally confusing for Spike. Never had he seen Buffy this way. Even if he knew it would happen one day or another, her emotional breakdown was still disconcerting. She was nothing of the fighter he loved so much.

And he wondered if the fighter was still somewhere in there. She was such a wreck, so vulnerable, so not like herself. He couldn�t help but wonder if his fighter would ever be back.

"Pet, you�re a mess," whispered Spike.

Slowly, he raised her face and looked into her eyes. She was so beautiful, even with tears running from her eyes.

"I�m not going anywhere," he said gently.

Oh God! He wanted to kiss her� kiss the tears away from her eyes.

She had told him, when she had first come back, how completed she had felt when she was in heaven, and he wished, with all his heart, that with his love he could give her a certain sense of completion.

Slowly, he moved his lips toward hers and kissed her.

This kiss felt so good that if he had been standing, Spike was sure he would have crumpled to the ground.

"Spike," whispered Buffy between kisses."Are you here to stay?"

"Yes Luv, until you stake me," he answered sincerely, looking directly into her eyes.

His lips met hers again, and Spike suddenly realized how naked he was. He only had a towel around his waist. And he could feel Buffy caressing his chest, and his back, and his face, and his arms. She was touching him and it made him want her so bad it hurt. Not like before, when she hadn�t wanted him and told him she wanted nothing to do with him. No, it hurt because she wanted him, too�

"Buffy, Luv�" he whispered."Luv! I want you so much; my bloody guts want to come out of me� But I don�t want to have you if I have any doubt in my mind that you might regret it tomorrow, or the day after, or in a year�"

What?!?! What was he saying?!? It was SO not like him! Look at what this girl made him do! He was a slayer killer, not a slayer love slave!

He took a very unnecessary breath to steady himself� Love had completely made him a wimp� and he dared anybody to tell him he hadn�t changed!

"When I�ll have you, I want it to be because you love me as much as I love you� and not because of lust," he added, feeling very uncomfortable since he knew his arousal was very obvious.

That�s it! He hated himself for loving her so much! But his love for her was stronger than the hate he felt for himself� Was he developing a conscience?

This was the sweetest thing Buffy had heard in a long, long time. And she realized she loved him, with all her heart. She couldn�t believe she was in love with a vampire� again. She was supposed to be a vampire slayer, not a vampire lover�

And filled with this newfound realization of� love, she kissed him again and took refuge in his arms.

After a few minutes of feeling his cool arms on her back, his lips in her hair, his erection against her belly, she looked at him and kissed him.

"Spike," she murmured."Spike, I love you so much, it hurts."

That�s it, it was out in the open, she had said it, she had told him�

And, looking in her eyes, Spike knew she was telling the truth. And he had thought he would never hear her say that. Gently, he took her face in his hands and kissed her again.

This time, when her hand came roaming on his thighs, he didn�t stop her. He could feel her little hand through the towel and her touch was exquisite and nervous as if she had never touched a man before. Her other hand was at the small of his back and he could feel them both very sharply.

He grabbed her shirt and moved it over her head as delicately as if she had been porcelain. With all the love he could muster, he kissed her neck and inhaled her perfume. She smelled so good, like a potent blood elixir, sleep, and behind it all, sweet, like a delicate flower that you could find in the mountains on a sunny day.

He unclipped her bra and caressed one of her breasts. She was so soft.

And he felt her slowly opening the towel at his waist, and her hand on his thigh, her lips on his neck, her hand on his swollen sex. And it felt good. It felt like nothing he had ever experienced before. It felt like� heaven.

Taking his time, kissing her as gently as he could, and caressing her like he thought he never would again, he finished undressing her. He gently took her in his arms and laid her on the bed. He lay next to her and, when he saw her shiver, pulled the blanket over them.

He then looked at her. And the only thing he could see in her eyes was love. Love, pure and simple. He kissed her forehead and looked at her again.

He felt her hand make contact with him and move from his waist to his sex. He swallowed, hard. He took her face in his hands and looked at her eyes again. What he saw was so pure, so needy, so unconditional that it pinched his unbeating heart.

In all his unlife, he never thought anyone would ever look at him this way; he never thought he would feel love this way; he never thought Buffy would even remotely love him!

"I love you so much," he told her."I want to make love to you."

He didn�t know why but it felt so right to be here with her, to be naked with her in her bed, to want to love her
>

"I love you, too," she said."And I want you to make love to me."

And he knew she meant it. Not because they were both naked in the same bed, but because he had been there for her since she had come back, because he had listened to her every time she had needed it, because he never asked questions that she didn�t want to answer. She meant it and he could feel it.

And Spike didn�t know what to do, as if all of the sudden, he had never made love before. And he realized that he never had. Of course, he had had sex with plenty of women, but he had never made love, even with Dru. Dru had always been a one-way love affair. He had tried to make love to her but she had only wanted sex with him. She had never loved him as he thought he had loved her� She always wanted her �Daddy�, and had used him to release her sex tension. And he realized now the very pronounced difference between lust and love.

He gently pushed her on her back and took position over her. The closeness of their bodies was almost unbearable for him. He wanted her so much that he was afraid he would come as soon as he took refuge in her. Her hand, still on his sex, made a few moves and she placed him at her entrance. He could feel her moist sex with his. She was as ready as he was.

Slowly, he kissed her neck, her breasts and her belly. With his thumb, he fondled her already very excited clit, which made her moan with pleasure. He looked at her glassy eyes for a few seconds and tasted her. He liked the feeling of her warm highly excited clit on his tongue, and her taste was divine. Gently, he introduced two of his fingers in her, and felt her inner muscles contract frantically. Her release was fast to come and she moaned in ecstasy.

Licking his lips, he advanced on her until he could feel her wet entrance with the head of his painfully erect sex.

He kissed her neck lovingly and looking in her eyes. Inhaling deeply, he took refuge in her.

Buffy closed her eyes and inhaled deeply also.

She was the prettiest woman he had ever had, Spike thought, and he was on the verge of coming. This was total ecstasy. He felt Buffy quiver under him. Her breath was short and her face was a mirror of deep and pure pleasure.

Slowly, he began to move in her and had to stop frequently so close was he to coming. He wanted her to have pleasure; he wanted her to come again.

His brain couldn�t stop registering everything about this wonderful moment. Her hand in his hair, her other hand on his hips, the smell of her neck, the moaning coming out of her mouth, and her sex over his.

He knew she was also in deep pleasure, and he moved faster and faster in her. And when she came, tears fell from her eyes. He knew she was happy, he knew she was filled. And he came, filling her with him, filling her with his love. Kissing her forehead and caressing her face, he silently cried. This moment of pure love and peace, which he had never known existed, had been given to him.

When Dawn came back from school, she found two very naked people in her sister�s bedroom. They were both asleep and desperately holding to each other as if they were afraid the other would leave. Smiling, she closed the door that they obviously had forgotten to close.

A knock on the door woke them up. Without waiting for an answer, Dawn opened the door and walked in the room. Buffy and Spike looked at her with sleepy eyes, and Spike realized that Buffy�s very naked back was exposed to view. He discretely grabbed the blanket and hid them with it. Buffy, still sleepy, yawned and put her hand on his chest.

"Good evening," said Dawn."I brought you dinner."

Buffy and Spike looked at her puzzled.

"Dinner?" asked Buffy.

She looked at the alarm clock: it was 6pm!

"Yes, dinner," answered Dawn."It's not a lot, but it�s something."

She put the �Kiss the Librarian� mug on the bedside table for Spike, and the food tray next to Buffy, on the other side of the bed. The scent of the omelet cruelly reminded Buffy that she hadn�t eaten all day. She slowly turned around and sat, holding the blanket to hide her nudity.

"That smells good," she said."Thank you."

"No problem," said Dawn."I�m leaving for the Magick Shop� Willow is going to help me with my computer homework. I�ll be back around 10."

"You want us to drive you?" asked Buffy, even though she desperately wanted to stay in bed with Spike.

"No, no!" said Dawn smiling."Xander will take me."

Buffy knew, by the smile on her face, that Dawn understood she didn�t want to leave the house. She was grateful that Xander was picking her up.

Wait a minute!

Xander!

He hated Spike!

Buffy wondered how he would react if he saw them in the same bed. He would most probably tear her head off and stake Spike, asking questions later.

"Don�t worry about him," said Dawn reading her mind by the expression on Buffy�s face."He is not going to find out until you want to tell him� None of them will find out before you tell them."

Gratitude filled Buffy�s heart. Even if Dawn wasn�t technically her sister, and could be a total teenager brat, Buffy loved her and appreciated her understanding.

"Dawn, thank you� You�re the best� I love you."

"I know," said Dawn smiling.

"Dawn, I am here!" yelled Xander from downstairs.

"Coming!" yelled Dawn to him."Got to go� Be nice!" she said to Buffy and Spike.

"Dawn!" yelled Xander again.

Dawn walked down the stairs.

�Coming! Coming!" said Dawn, arriving at the door.

"Isn�t that Spike�s bike in the driveway?"

"Yep, it is," answered Dawn."He brought it to work on it has hasn't had time yet."

"Oh, ready?"

"Yup."

Buffy and Spike heard the front door close.

"You know, Niblet is such a sweetheart," said Spike.

"I know."

Spike took the mug from the bedside table and looked inside. Pig blood.

�Well well, I never knew the Slayer kept blood in her fridge!�

He drank and looked at the yellow mug again.

�What? How the bloody hell did this mug found its way here?� he though, remembering his episode in Giles' bathtub. �Definitely, Destiny has its wicked ways!�

Buffy ate her omelet and avoided looking at Spike. As much as she seemed to find his presence comforting, he guessed that her looking at him drink blood would upset her stomach.

When they were both finished, Spike took his mug and her tray down to the kitchen.

He had a smug smile on his face when he walked back in the room, a smile he lost when he saw Buffy standing by the window, and looking outside with barely any emotion on her face. He could see her naked shoulder under the blanket she was hiding herself with. This view was so strange. Spike walked towards her and kissed the top of her head. He than took the blanket and wrapped himself with her in it. He could feel her naked back on his chest and her butt on his thighs and tried not to get excited. He had the distinct impression that now was absolutely not the time for it. Her back was warm and soft against his chest and he realized how cold he must feel to her.

"Luv, are you cold?" he asked lightly.

She kept starring outside and he looked out to see what she was looking at. Kids were playing a game on the neighbor�s front yard, and they seemed happy, carefree.

"Luv, are you cold?" he asked again, with real concern in his voice.

And he didn�t mean physically this time; he was asking if she was cold in her soul. He wasn�t sure she had the answer to his question, but he knew that whatever it was, he would accept it. He cared so much. Who would have thought that of him, of all people? Even he couldn�t believe how much he had changed.

She turned and took refuge in his arms. She could feel his soft sex on her belly and was glad that there was no lust involved in this moment. It meant that he loved her enough to be able to have intimate moments, naked in each other's arms, without getting physical. He didn�t only lust after her, he loved her.

"I don�t feel warm, but I�m not cold anymore� I feel reassured. And even if I don�t feel it as much as when I was in heaven, I feel loved, and a little bit more complete� My Hell is a little bit more bearable," she whispered."I feel like I�ve stopped falling, that you�re my anchor� And it scares me. I�m terrified. This world hurts so much� And I�m afraid you�ll turn against me, or leave, or die. And then I�ll lose my anchor, and my sanity. I know I�m walking a very thin line here and most of the time, I feel like I�m going insane� Spike, why did they do this to me? Why did they have to bring me back? I feel like I�m losing everything� my heart, my soul, my mind� Even my body. Spike, I wake up in the morning and I have the impression that my heart stopped overnight, that my body is totally dead�"

And she knew he knew what she meant. He was technically dead himself. She felt his reassuring arms tighten around her.

"And here I am, still in this world� Suffering and knowing what I�ve lost. And I�m afraid I�ll never be able to go back there again� I�m afraid of Hell, the dead people Hell� Hell must be such a cold place�. and I feel so cold� Spike�"

If he hadn�t held her, she would have had collapsed. She was not crying this time. She only looked around with big terrified eyes, taking everything in without seeing anything.

She looked insane.

And Spike got scared.

She was still not able to hold herself up, so he took her to the bed. And he realized that she was not seeing anything, she wasn�t seeing him, and he could feel that a door had closed in her mind.

"Buffy? Luv?" he called.

But she was still catatonic, staring.

"Buffy!" he shouted.

No response. And he slapped her.

And she flinched.

"Buffy! Stay with me, here!"

And she looked at him like she hadn�t seen him all day.

"Buffy, Luv, are you with me?" he asked caressing the side of her face, the side he had slapped.

Slowly, she nodded.

"Buffy, Luv! I love you� I�ll be there for you as long as it�s possible for me to stay al-� to exist. So please, please don�t despair. I�m not going to leave you and I�ll even say that I won�t hurt you� unless you hit me first, that is. We are fighters after all, so we most probably will end up hitting one another from time to time. But I want you to always keep in your mind that anytime you need to talk, or you need to cry, or you need a refuge, I�ll be there."

"Spike, if I become insane, will you put me out of my misery?"

Spike felt a lump growing in his throat and he looked away.

"Yes Luv, I will if there�s no other way to bring you back to yourself."

"You promise?"

"Yes, I promise," he whispered.

That was by far the hardest promise he had ever made.

"So Dawn, what was Buffy doing today?" asked Xander once they were in the car.

"She stayed home and relaxed," answered Dawn.

"Oh! She�s in?"

"Yep. She�s sleeping," answered Dawn.

�I hope he�s not going to catch me stretching the truth,� she thought.

And he didn�t. Dawn was relieved that he didn�t ask more questions about Buffy�s whereabouts. She was not the greatest liar in the world and quite frankly, she didn�t want to lie to her friends.

"You know, we haven�t done anything all day� Maybe we should go get Dawn at the Magick Shop and patrol a little," said Buffy.

"Is that really what you want to do?" asked Spike.

Buffy nodded.

Half an hour later, they were in Buffy�s mother's car, on their way to the Magick Shop. Buffy had let Spike drive because, on top of being a very distracted and poor driver, she didn�t feel like doing anything.

They were silent. They didn�t need to talk; just knowing the other was near was enough for them.

They got to the store and walked in, Buffy first, as usual, and Spike following her, playing with the car keys. And that�s when Buffy began to feel alien and obliterated by her surroundings and the people in the shop. This overwhelming sense made her takes a step back and she bumped into Spike.

Willow was sitting with Dawn at a computer and they were speaking quietly. Dawn was actually the one typing, which was pretty unusual.

Anya was counting the money they had made that day and Xander was standing behind the counter with her.

When they heard the bells at the door, they looked up, a little bit puzzled to see Buffy standing so close to Spike.

"Buffy!" said Willow smiling.

Buffy couldn�t smile back. She just felt too alienated, especially since her day with Spike. She craved the feel of his arms around her, but now was not necessarily the time. She was glad when she felt Spike�s hand on the small of her back. His touch gave her courage, courage that she needed badly.

"Hi!" she said."Dawn, we though that maybe we could pick you up."

"Thanks," said Dawn standing up and smiling.

Xander looked at Buffy and Spike puzzled.

�We?� he thought.

And he realized that she was standing very close to Spike� and he was touching her!!!

"Buffy!" he said."Can I talk to you for a minute?"

He looked at Spike.

"Alone," he added.

Without answering, she walked out of the store and Xander followed her, looking at Spike. He had the weird impression that Spike was growling at him.

"So, Buffy, what have you done all day?" asked Xander once the door was close behind them.

"Xander, you didn�t take me aside to talk about what I did all day so cut to the chase," said Buffy, not amused.

He had taken her away from Spike�s touch and she was far from being happy. She realized that the anger she felt was disproportionate to Xander�s request but she couldn�t help it. She felt angry, and her anger was running deep.

"Buffy, what�s going on?" asked Xander, upset.

"What do you mean?" asked Buffy.

"You tell me!" replied Xander, pacing."Not only was Dead Boy�s bike at your house today, now you show up with him. We both know that Spike wouldn�t just leave his bike in your driveway, in plain view of everybody� He just likes this piece of junk too much for that! Even if Dawn said that he left it at your house, I don�t believe it. Furthermore, you show up at 10:30 which time, I might remind you; you�re supposed to be patrolling, isn�t it? And on top of it all, you let it touch you! Apparently, the others didn�t see it, but Buffy, you can�t fool me!"

Buffy didn�t even blink. Xander might as well be talking to a wall.

"I love him," she said distantly.

Xander stopped pacing and looked her in the eye, shocked.

"Wh-what?" he said.

Xander started pacing again.

"You can�t be serious, Buffy. That is the �oh-big-evil-vampire-if I-didn�t-have-a-chip-in-my-brain I-would-kill-you-all� we�re talking about! He can�t love! IT can�t love"

"I love him. Take it or leave it."

"Buffy�" said Xander putting his hand on her shoulder.

Buffy tightened at his contact, which surprised Xander.

"Buffy, you can�t love him, he's a hellbeast� Of course, he�s probably a little better compared to what you saw when you were in�"

"Who told you I was in Hell?" said Buffy very evenly.

Horror filled Xander�s eyes as he realized what she just said.

She hadn�t been in Hell?!

"Buffy, you were in Hell, right?" asked Xander with panic in his eyes.

Buffy didn�t answer. She stared at him for a few moments, and walked back in the store. Xander didn�t follow.

Dawn was ready, and they left without another word.

Willow found it very strange that Buffy hadn�t even said goodbye, but what made it a lot weirder was the fact that she thought she had seen Buffy�s hand going to Spike�s while they walked out of the store.

"Where�s Xander?" asked Anya."Why did he stay outside?"

"Don�t know," said Willow distantly."Let�s go see."

Anya walked out of the door followed by Willow. They found Xander some thirty feet from the Shop�s door, sitting on the sidewalk, with his back to the wall and his legs to his chest. He was blankly looking straight in front of him.

"Xander, what�s wrong? What did she do to you?" asked a worried Anya, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"No, not what she did to me," said Xander in a disgusted voice."What we did to her!"

"We didn�t do anything to her," said Willow.

"Oh yes, we did!" cried Xander."We brought her back! And on top of it all, we wanted her to thank us for it."

"But Xander, she was in Hell" argued Willow.

"Who told you she was?" said Xander vehemently.

"She was," said Willow stubbornly.

"No, she wasn�t� We took her away from Heaven! Oh my God! What have we done?"

"No," said Willow, standing."No!"

And she ran away. Anya helped Xander to his feet.

"I always thought it was a bad idea."

"You were right, okay?" said Xander angrily."And so was Spike!"

"Pet, what did you tell him?" asked Spike on their way home.

"Nothing," answered Buffy.

"Well Luv, he was pretty upset for someone you hadn�t told anything."
< /P>
"Well, I told him stuff."

"What stuff?" asked Spike.

"Well, I told him where I was."

Spike�s jaw dropped.

"You mean where you were before� before�" began Spike before he remembered that Dawn was with them.

Buffy didn�t answer.

"Before what, Spike?" asked Dawn, who was sitting in the back.

"Nothing Niblet, nothing," answered Spike, still confused.

"I want to know," said Dawn."And you are the ones who brought the subject up! And Xander was definitely looking very upset� What did you tell him, Buffy?"

"Dawn, don�t insist," said Buffy gently."It�s not something you need to know."

"But I want to know," whined Dawn.

"No, you don�t!" said Buffy.

�Wow! It must be very serious!� thought Dawn; surprised that Buffy had yelled at her.

But she wondered what could have made Xander look so sad. She had seen him sitting on the sidewalk, staring blankly at nothing. He had looked numb with pain.

Something didn�t fit. Since she had been back, Buffy had barely seemed to feel or express anything, and she hadn�t spoken that much. What was so horrible that it would have Xander collapse, especially since he knew everything ugly about her sister� Knowing that she was with Spike was surely shocking but it wouldn�t have created that type of reaction.

He looked like he was in pain in his soul, in hearheart. What would be so horrible? It was something that Spike obviously already knew. He had seemed surprised that Buffy had told Xander about it. So maybe it was something she had told him not to tell them� They were both so quiet, it was scary. What was so bad that Buffy would have trusted Spike with, but not her friends? Was it something they had done, done together without Spike?

There was one thing they hadn�t involved Spike with. They had brought her back and hadn�t told Spike because, despite his pain, he wouldn�t have wanted them to.

Dawn missed the old Buffy, the one that was there before she died. This new Buffy didn�t laugh anymore, and she barely smiled. She seemed sad all the time. Willow had said that it was because of her trauma from being in Hell. But funnily enough, when she had come back, Buffy hadn�t thanked anybody. That had seemed odd to Dawn; she�d had to remind Buffy to thank them. They were all very concerned about her but she just never talked to them anymore.

But she was speaking to Spike. That was the weirdest thing of all. He didn�t even helped to bring her back and she had turned to him, of all people. She hadn�t even bothered with him before she had left and now, she couldn�t speak to anyone else but him, like they had done something so very wrong to her�

Wait a minute!

Spike hadn�t helped bring her back� and she had turned to him?

She was mad at the others�

And she was so unhappy!

Oh no! Oh no!

"You were with mom, weren�t you?" asked Dawn with a lump in her throat.

Buffy� silence was answer enough for Dawn.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! No-o!" yelled Dawn."What have they done?"

The anguish in her heart was so strong that she didn�t realize Spike had stopped the car.

"Buffy, can you ever find it in your heart to forgive them?"

But Buffy was already out of the car and opening the front door.

"Luv, Niblet?" Spike reminded her.

Dawn had stayed in the car.

"I�ll get her," said Buffy gently.

Spike took her in his arms and kissed her hair.

"Okay. I�ll be inside."

Buffy walked back to the car and opened Dawn�s door. Dawn looked at her surprise. The pain in her heart was clear in her face. She looked around and realized they were home.

"Oh, Buffy," she whispered.

"Come Dawn," said Buffy, unbuckling her seatbelt.

Buffy helped Dawn out of the car and to her room. She calmed down, and both of them were sitting on her bed.

"Buffy, are you ever going to forgive them?" asked Dawn, seeing the ugliness in what they have done.

She felt so much pain because she loved them all so much, and they were the only family she had left when Buffy was away.

"Don�t worry about it, it�s already forgotten," said Buffy with a feeble smile.

"Buffy, please don�t say that. I know it�s still hurting you."

"Yes, it is," answered Buffy looking at her hands.

She looked at her hand as if the marks that she got while trying to get out of her coffin were still there, like the marks on her soul and heart.

"That�s why you turned to Spike instead of Willow, isn�t it?"

"Yes� Dawn, why didn�t anybody ever think I could be in Heaven?" asked Buffy.

Dawn knew that she was dying to know. And she knew also that she was angry that nobody seemed to have thought about it. And it made Dawn angry, too.

"Because you died while closing an opening in the Hellmouth, like Angel," answered Dawn.

"Angel didn�t technically die, he was banished�," said Buffy."His entire body disappeared. Mine was all there, all dead."

Dawn knew Buffy was getting angrier, and that she had every right to be. They had been so stupid, not even considering the consequences of what they were doing, or fully evaluating where she might have been. Surely Willow would have known a spell to find that out. No wonder Anya had argued about the entire concept.

"Buffy, I don�t know what to tell you� And I�ll understand if you never want to talk to them ever again, or that you wouldn�t want to forgive them. And most probably, so will they. But Buffy, believe me when I say that if I had known what they were doing and where you were, I wouldn�t have let them bring you back. I love you, Buffy."

"Oh, Dawn! I love you, too," said Buffy, taking her in her arms."I know they didn�t want to do anything bad� They didn�t know and it�s okay� I mean, it�s not *okay* okay but I don�t hold it against them. They are my friends, you know, and I still love them anyway..."

"Buffy, I�m so sorry."

"I know� But don�t worry. It�s done and it�s not your fault. Just rest. You have school tomorrow."

"It�s Saturday tomorrow," said Dawn.

"Then we�ll talk more tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," said Dawn.

Buffy stood up and was about to walk away when Dawn grabbed her hand.

"Buffy, you love him, don�t you?"

"Yes," answered Buffy truthfully."He�s my ray of sunshine in my darkness."

"You know, he�s really a good man deep inside, under that �I�m-a-bad-ass-vampire� stuff."

Buffy smiled at Dawn.

"I know. That�s why I love him so much� If he wasn�t here, I don�t know how I would have survived. Dawn, do you think it would be okay to let him stay with us?"

"Yes," answered Dawn smiling."I think that whatever makes you happy is okay."

Buffy smiled at her and walked toward the door. Spike was standing there with a sincere smile on his face. And Buffy knew that he had heard her say that she loved him. She walked to him and he put his arms around her shoulder.

"Good night Niblet," said Spike.

"Good night."

And even with the pain in her heart, Dawn knew that everything would be fine. Dawn went to bed smiling.
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