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Spike Up Your Night	By : Cyberwulf Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > General Views: 2935 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Spike Up Your Night
- 1
Spike Up Your Night Special Edition
By Cyberwulf
Rated 18s
Summary: Confined to Giles’ house because of the Initiative, Spike’s fed up and decides to have fun the only way he knows how – by driving Giles bananas. This is the Special Edition, with extra scenes and dialogue, and more ignorance than the last version ever posted anywhere – just shown to a few of my friends). Characters are property of Joss Whedon. The game Hunter Hunted belongs to Sega. Giles and Spike both rule, especially Spike, but ESPECIALLY Giles. I love ya, baby !
Giles ran through the desolate dungeon. He was worried. He’d run out of shotgun shells and had only a pistol left with which to defend himself. And he had a feeling it would take more than that to stop the creature hunting him. He paused in front of a bubbling puddle of toxic waste. It was too big to jump across. He jumped up and hung onto the ceiling, and inched his way over it. Once clear, he dropped to the ground and continued on his way. He ran up against a door. He pushed, but it wouldn’t budge.
“ It’s locked !” he said aloud. “ I need a key !”
He ran back through the dungeon and went through the doorway he’d ignored earlier. Everything went very quiet. He stared at the wall in dread as the words ‘Danger – Run’ appeared. The Beast was on him immediately, and before he even had time to pull the trigger, its spiked club had smashed his skull to jelly. He flew through the air and bounced when he hit the ground.
“ Player death – Jake loses.”
“ This game is pointless !” Giles declared sourly, chucking his controller on the ground.
“ I win again,” Spike said gleefully. “ Hey !” he called, as Giles got up. “Where you going ?”
“ I’ve had enough,” Giles told him. “ Twenty deathmatches in a row I’ve lost !” He composed himself, and added, “ It’s a childish game, anyway. It’s designed for thirteen-year-olds. I’m going to do something a little more adult.” He sat down at the table and picked up a book.
“ Oh, come on !” Spike pleaded. “ One more game ! I’ve got nothing else to do !”
“ Play it by yourself,” Giles replied. “ You seem to be very good at it . . .”
“ That’s just it,” Spike answered. “ I’ve cleared it, there’s no point. And it’s the only one I’ve got .”
“ The only one you managed to steal before the Initiative arrived,” Giles corrected.
“ Well can I go on the Internet, then ?” Spike asked. “ I nicked a modem, too.”
“ No !” Giles answered firmly. “ I’m not having you running up my phone bill or sending my picture to pornography websites. Again.”
Spike kicked at the carpet.
“ Oh come on –”
“ No,” Giles said, cutting him off. “ I’m going to sit here, and read my book.”
“ Well I’ll have to watch telly then, won’t I ?” Spike replied. He turned it on and started flicking through the channels. “ Crap . . . crap . . . sissy . . . boring . . . crap . . . crap . . . ugh, the news ! Rubbish . . . crap . . . stupid . . .crap . . .” He went through all the stations and then turned the TV off in disgust. “ There is nothing on !” He turned to Giles. “ When are you going to go digital, you cheap bastard ?”
“ Yes,” Giles mused, “ I’ll just go into the yard and bury my last dollar bill out there, and who knows, perhaps a money tree will grow.”
“ I’m BORED,” Spike sighed.
“ Why don’t you read something ?” Giles asked.
“ Got anything by Nietsche ?”
“ No.”
“ Right, I’m having a bath,” Spike said, getting up. “ I can do THAT, can’t I ?”
“ Yes,” Giles replied.
Spike went up the stairs, an evil grin on his face.
A few minutes later, he had everything set up. Spike stood back and admired his handiwork. The tripwire was invisible unless you knew where to look. Now all he had to do was get Giles to go up there. He came downstairs.
“ Oi, Giles, where d’you keep your towels ?”
“ In the airing cupboard, first door on the left,” Giles replied.
“ Thanks,” Spike answered. “ Say, how about a nice big bladder-filling glass of cherry cola while you read ?”
“ No thank you,” Giles answered.
“ How about a big mug of tea ?” Spike tried. “ Shall I whack the kettle on ? We can have a contest, see who can drink the most.”
“ Spike,” Giles remarked, turning to look at him, “ I’m not going to consume anything you prepare for me because there’s sure to be something sinister lurking within it.” He went back to his book.
“ Oh, you are so suspicious !” Spike exclaimed. “ When did I ever do that ?”
“ What about the time you laced my tea with Viagra ?” Giles asked quietly.
“ I was doing you a favour !” Spike protested.
“ Oh really ?” Giles said angrily. “ Have you ever tried driving to the hospital in . . . in that condition ?”
Spike sniggered.
“ It wasn’t funny !” Giles exclaimed. “ After the first hour, it was actually quite painful. Not to mention embarrassing.” He turned away, going red. “The rest of those three days is something I’d rather like to forget.”
“ Okay, okay, I played one little joke, I admit . . .”
“ And the time you dropped Rohypnol into my Scotch ?”
“ Aw, come on !” Spike exclaimed. “ You were gonna pass out anyway !”
“ Not to mention the cocaine/sugar unpleasantness –” Giles broke off suddenly, and looked up at Spike. “ What did you mean, doing me a favour ?” He stood up and came towards him. Spike grinned nervously, backing away. “ What did you mean, doing me a favour ?” Giles repeated. “What are you implying ? Who’ve you been talking to ?!”
“ No one !” Spike insisted. He held up his hands. “ Look, if you don’t want anything, fair enough. I’m gonna have my bath.”
He went out and headed back upstairs, cursing under his breath. Damn – he’d have to try a different tack. He stepped carefully over the tripwire and sat on the edge of the bath, staring at the plughole. Inspiration hit him. He jumped over the tripwire and ran downstairs.
“ Giles ! Giles !”
“What is it NOW ?” Giles asked impatiently.
“ Spider,” Spike said breathlessly. “ There’s a spider in the bath, and I tried to kill it, but as soon as I went near it, I got the old twinge, and . . .”
“ Shake it out the window, then,” Giles sighed.
“ I . . . I can’t,” Spike replied in a low voice. He played nervously with his fingers. “ I . . . I’m . . . scared of them.”
Giles stared at him in disbelief.
“ You’re scared of spiders,” he said. Spike nodded. “ You.” Spike nodded again. “ You . . . Spike . . . are scared of spiders.”
“ All right, all right !” Spike said crossly. “ There’s no need to keep going on about it! I’m not exactly proud of my arachnophobia, you know.” He scowled at him. Giles shook his head, slid his bookmark into his book, and went upstairs, Spike following and grinning gleefully.
“ Spider in the bath . . .” Giles muttered as they approached the bathroom.
“ Don’t hurt its legs,” Spike implored, struggling not to laugh. Giles entered the bathroom.
“ I don’t see any –”
He fell over the tripwire, went flying through the air, and ended up with his head stuck in the toilet.
“ Agh !” he yelled. “ Spike ! Why do you never flush the toilet ?!” The vampire nearly burst a gut laughing. Giles struggled to free himself.
“ You utter, utter bastard ! Just you wait 'til I get out of here –”
Spike fled downstairs and into the kitchen. He hunted in the cupboards till he found the cooking oil. He shot out of the kitchen and grabbed the phone book. He’d have to hurry . . . Giles wouldn’t be stuck for long.
Giles finally managed to pull his head out of the toilet. He crashed out of the bathroom and saw Spike sitting on the stairs, putting his lighter away. The vampire turned and grinned innocently at him.
“ Oh, ha, ha !” Giles shouted. “ Desperately adult, Spike. I’m glad you think it’s so funny, because . . .” He broke off suddenly. “ Do you smell that ?” He headed off down the landing. “ Smells like . . . something burning.” He opened his bedroom door, and then closed it very quickly. He dashed downstairs and into the kitchen.
“ What’s up ?” Spike asked, as Giles ran past him with the fire extinguisher.
“ My bed’s on fire,” Giles panted. He went into his bedroom. Spike calmly finished his cigarette and then wandered upstairs. He pushed open the door of Giles’ room. The place was a shambles. The walls were covered in soot, the bed was blackened, and there was carbon dioxide powder everywhere. Giles himself was standing next to the bed, breathing hard. Spike leaned against the doorframe, grinning widely. Giles looked up and saw him.
“Good old Spike !” he yelled. “ Well done, big tick, ten out of ten, go and see Matron and get an extra bit of tuck !” Spike nodded, pleased with himself. Giles gestured at the charred blankets. “ Just think ! I won’t have to, to put my bed in the toaster, now !” He ran a hand through his hair. “ Lord knows what else you’ve destroyed . . .”
“ Settle down,” Spike sighed, “ I saved your skin mags.”
The colour drained from Giles’ face.
“ My WHAT ?!”
Spike held up a copy of FHM and looked at the centrefold.
“ Dear oh dear,” he tutted. “ What WOULD your slayer say if she knew you had these ?” He chuckled. “ It’s no wonder you need glasses –”
“ Look,” Giles said desperately, “ I’m just minding those for a friend. I had no idea what they were, or –”
“ Is that why they’re in this carton labelled, ‘Erotic Images of Scantily Clad Young Ladies’ in your copper-plate handwriting ?” Spike asked innocently.
“ Give me that !” Giles yelled, snatching the magazine from Spike. He glanced at the cover, and then shoved it under the mattress. “ Now –” He turned around to discover Spike had gone. He glanced around nervously.
“ Spike ?” he called. There was no answer. He came cautiously out of his room. There was no sign of the vampire anywhere. “ Spike ?” He went down the landing to the spare room, and froze in the doorway. Spike was sitting at the small desk, looking at Giles’ PC. The vampire stared wide-eyed at the screen.
“ ‘Tony enveloped Sarah in a fierce embrace, sensing her arousal, wanting to drown in it. She moaned his name, and kissed him passionately. He picked her up in his strong arms and carried her to his bedroom. There, his fingers fumbling, he . . .’” Spike broke off, and read silently for a few moments. Suddenly he exclaimed, “ It’s a dirty book ! You’re writing a dirty book !”
“ It is NOT a dirty book !” Giles shouted, blushing furiously. “ It’s an erotic novel!”
“ It’s a dirty book, you filthy pervert,” Spike sneered. “ Very familiar characters, by the way. I wonder who Tony could possibly be, all cultured and civilised and ‘between projects’ . . .”
“ It is NOT – look, how did you get into that file anyway ?” Giles asked.
“ Shouldn’t use your first name as your password, should you ?” Spike smirked. He read on a bit. “ I’ve got to hand it to you, Rupert, I’m actually turned on.”
“ Get away from that machine now !” Giles bellowed. Spike ignored him.
“ It would be extremely embarrassing if someone were to accidentally email this to everyone in your – oops, hit the wrong button,” Spike said innocently. Giles stared at him in horror. “ Oh, I wonder what Sarah – I mean Buffy will think of your depraved fantasies,” Spike mused. He dodged out of the way as an enraged Giles dived at him. Giles couldn’t stop himself and found himself falling headfirst out the open window. He grabbed at the ivy covering the wall and hung on tight, attracting the attention of several passers-by.
“ No I am not a burglar !” he shouted indignantly at one of the neighbours. “ This is my house !” Someone shouted something back at him. “ Why do you think I’m doing it, you cretin ? For FUN ?” Someone else yelled something. “ Yes, well, the same to you, you interfering old witch !” A bolt of dark energy struck him, and Giles found that he had been transformed into a small tabby cat with a black collar.
“ Oh, VERY mature, Mrs. O’Hara !” he bellowed. Unfortunately, it came out as, “MMREEEEEOOOOOWWWW !” and the cat hater across the street threw a shoe at him. Cursing softly, Giles scrabbled back up the ivy and climbed into the house. He scampered quickly into his bedroom, praying Spike had got bored and wasn’t lurking anywhere nearby. He was barely inside when the spell wore off. Giles grabbed at his throat as the collar nearly strangled him. There was a flash of white at the edge of his peripheral vision. Giles’ blood ran cold. Was that a camera ? His doubts were removed when he heard Spike tear down the stairs, cackling madly.
“ I’m going to bloody well kill you !” Giles bellowed. He almost went after Spike, but stopped himself. Clothes ! He snapped off the collar, and threw on a T-shirt and a pair of jeans. He found his spare pair of glasses and went out of his bedroom.
“ Spike ?” he called. “ Spike, I promise not to hurt you, I just want to talk . . .”
He heard a door close on the floor below.
“ A-ha !” he shouted. “ When I catch you, I’m going to make you eat so much garlic bread – ” He went to go downstairs, slipped on a marble, and went headfirst down the staircase. Spike slammed down the phone at the sound of the banging, and raced to the foot of the stairs just in time to see Giles end up in a heap on the ground. Spike fell about laughing.
“ I gotta hand it to you, Giles,” he chuckled, “ no one can do a comic fall quite like you . . .” He calmed down a little bit. “ Giles ?”
Giles didn’t move. Spike was suddenly afraid that he’d gone too far. If Giles was dead, the Slayer’d be pissed off . . . the stabby kind of pissed off. He went over and shook him.
“ Blimey, are you all right ?”
“ Ow !” Giles yelled. He sat up and took off his glasses to examine them. Miraculously, they were intact. He looked at his left arm, which was dangling uselessly by his side. He touched it gently, felt all up along it, and then touched his shoulder. He winced in pain.
“ It’s not broken,” he gasped, “ just dislocated. Spike, pop it back in for me, would you ?”
“ Why should I ?” Spike asked.
“ If you don’t, I’ll tell Buffy what you did,” Giles answered.
Spike considered this.
“ Okay,” he said at last. He grabbed hold of Giles’ arm with one hand, placed the other on the Watcher’s collarbone, and shoved. There was a click.
“ Yes, that’s done it,” Giles declared. Spike watched as Giles flexed his fingers, and gingerly moved his arm back and forth. Without warning, Giles grabbed Spike by his shirt and shoved him up against the wall.
“ That’s it !” he snarled. “ Get out of my house !”
“ Wh-what’s the matter ?” Spike asked, grinning nervously. “ Can’t you take a joke ?”
“ Get out of my house before I throw you out !” Giles growled.
“ Can’t we discuss this ?” Spike said quickly. “ Hey ! Hey, let’s have a drink ! In fact, let’s get drunk ! We can watch the football, get nicely toasted – you an’ me, just the lads, yeah ?”
“ So you can tattoo a swear word on my stomach like last time ?!” Giles hissed. “ I don’t think so.”
“ Actually I was gonna shave it in your hair this time –” Giles tightened his hold on him. Spike gave a strangled yelp. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Spike glanced towards it. The knocking came again, louder.
“ You’re lucky,” Giles growled. He let go of Spike and went to answer the door. Spike scrambled away and sat on the stairs. Giles opened the door. Sixteen Hare Krishnas came through the doorway, chanting and playing tambourines. They danced around the living room and up the stairs. Giles watched, stunned.
“ What on earth –”
The doorbell rang again. Giles looked back at the doorway. Two guys in white robes and hoods, and carrying a burning cross, stood there.
“ Somebody called wantin’ to join the Klan ?” the bigger guy growled.
Giles stared at them, barely understanding.
“ I – I’m sorry,” he stuttered, “ there’s been a mistake . . .” He trailed off as he caught sight of a robotic silver wolf with glowing blue eyes and a red, pointy looking cat with black tabby stripes standing just outside.
“ Hi,” the wolf said, “ I’m the author and this is my muse, we’re just here to confuse you.” Its gaze fell on the Klan members. With a snarl, it leapt forward and started savaging them. Giles moved out of the way as the Hare Krishnas danced out of the house. Spike started laughing. Giles turned around and glared at him, but was distracted by yet another caller at the door. A tall, thin man dressed in black approached him.
“ Twenty-four hour undertaker,” the man declared with a worryingly insane gleam in his eye. The phone rang and Spike went to answer it. The man continued. “ We’re here to pick up the body.”
“ There isn’t one yet, but there will be,” Giles growled. He closed the door and turned back to the staircase. Spike was gone.
The vampire picked up the phone, but didn’t say anything. He recognised the voice on the other end and immediately assumed Giles’ accent.
“ Oh, hello, Joyce,” he said smoothly. “ Yes, Buffy’s here, but I’m afraid she can’t talk right now, you see my cock’s in her mouth. Cheerio.” He put the phone down just as Giles gave a strangled yell, vaulted over the couch and rugby-tackled him.
“ SPIKE MUST DIE !!!” Giles roared, banging Spike’s head off the floor. Spike made several strange choking sounds. Giles pulled him to his feet. Spike broke away and tried to run, but Giles grabbed him round the waist from behind.
“ That’s it !” he yelled. “ You’re going outside to play with the Initiative !”
He dragged Spike to the open door.
“ No – no – ” Spike begged. There was a cough. Giles looked around. Buffy, Xander, Willow and Anya were staring at the suddenly very suspicious scene. Spike immediately changed his tone.
“ Oh – oh, Rupert, you animal !” he panted. “ You could at least wait till we get upstairs !”
Giles looked at him, then back at the others, who were gaping open-mouthed.
“ This . . . isn’t what it looks like –”
“ No, Rupert, please,” Spike gasped, interrupting him. “ I can’t take any more, you’re insatiable . . .” He called to Buffy. “ Slayer, help me, that’s not a stake in his pocket !”
Buffy and the gang began to back away slowly. Giles realised there was no way he’d be able to explain this.
“ Aargh !” he cried, clutching his chest and falling to the floor.

The End

-^)--)~
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Spike Up Your Night