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Two Hearts Lost	By : Tgray Category: > Spike(William)/Xander > Spike(William)/Xander Views: 1907 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Two Hearts Lost
- 1
Two Hearts Lost

Xander wasn’t sure if he could do this, but he needed the money and he knew he was perfect for the part. Perfect enough to be hired on after just one reading. The trouble was, he never would have auditioned if he’d known who the leading man would be.

William. His William. But no, that had been a long time ago. And he wasn’t even going by that name anymore. Blond hair dye, a name change and three thousand miles between them had definitely proven to Xander that William, no, it was Spike now… wasn’t his anymore.

It was now or never. Xander sighed and tried his best to look confident as he walked through the door. Cameras were placed strategically around, the set large and spectacular, taking his breath away. A far cry from the theater group’s small stage and setup he was used to. He could feel it, this was something big. A new beginning for him to prove to the world he was real. That he could fit in with the Hollywood crowd.

He truly believed that. Believed he belonged there, until he felt the eyes on him. Two years and he could still remember how it felt to be the center of William’s attention because that’s how it was when they were together. Part of a whole. A couple. Something he hadn’t been part of since. He pushed down the lump and blinked, turning his body to face his fears and found himself staring into the burning blue eyes of his ex-lover.

~*~

When their eyes met, Xander felt a chill from the other man he would never have fathomed possible. Those blue eyes so familiar to him, staring through him as if he wasn’t real. In the year that they were together, he’d seen everything in those eyes. Laughter, pain, longing, passion. Every emotion you could expect from sharing a life together. Now all he saw was an icy coldness that threatened to rip him in two.

He was waiting for the words to follow the silence. The tongue-lashing telling him to fuck off. He could remember it like yesterday, the last words Wil…Spike had said to him so long ago. Fuck off and out the door, leaving Xander standing in the middle of an apartment full of shared memories that would never go away, no matter how many other men he lured into his bed. It would always be their bed.

Right now, at this moment, Xander thought hearing those painful words might even be better than imagining whatever was running through Spike’s mind. At least then, Xander would know where he stood. He thought of turning around and walking away, making it easier for both of them. But when Spike’s head fell to the side, his eyes wandering the length of Xander’s body and some of the familiar heat stirred between them, all thoughts of leaving became null and void. He was here, he was staying and Spike would have to deal with it.

Xander switched his weight from one leg to the other and pushed his hands inside the pockets of his jeans. “So, this is what a real soundstage looks like.” Just talking to the other man had him chocked full of nervous energy. He looked around, knowing he was fidgeting, but forced himself not to run. “Sure beats the crappy places we had to deal with, huh.”

~*~

Spike stood there, his expression still and motionless as he watched Xander babble out casual words as if they were just two guys. Two guys without a history. Two guys who didn’t know each other inside and out. His heart was beating a mile a minute, drinking in the appearance of the rugged man in front of him. Xander had changed. His physique was toned and tight, shown off by snug fitting jeans he never would have worn before. Something in the way Xander carried himself had Spike torn between what he was feeling and what his head was screaming not to feel. He couldn’t, wouldn’t go down this road again.

He waited until Xander finished talking, knowing he was waiting for him to answer and gave his best performance. “Just because you’re here, doesn’t mean we’re friends. We. Are. Not. Friends. We are not anything, you understand? I may have to work with you, and I can do that because I'm a professional and that’s what acting is. Pretending. So as long as you don’t fuck up and hit your marks, we’ll finish this thing and then we can go on about our lives. Until then, stay out of my fucking way.”

He turned around, gave his best swagger and disappeared before Xander could see him deflate. As he lit the cigarette between shaky fingers, he closed his eyes and conjured up the pain. He needed the reminder of why they weren’t together. He needed it so he could stop the tears before they had a chance to start.

~*~

“Would you turn the fuck around and look at me for a minute!”

Spike stopped, reacting to the voice that was stomping up behind him. He knew it would happen sooner or later. Xander was wearing him down, making him second-guess why he was still being so cold and heartless. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, his back facing Xander, waiting. He knew he should have just kept walking, but part of him wanted to do this. Needed it.

“Fuck off, Harris.”

Xander heard him and stopped before he reached Spike. Spoken in the same low tone, the words hurt now, just as bad as they had back then. But this time would be different. This time, he wouldn’t let Spike walk out.

“No, I won’t fuck off. We’ve been working together for two weeks! Two weeks and you won’t even acknowledge that I’m in the same room with you!”

Spike remained where he was, but Xander heard a short sigh. Maybe he was finally getting somewhere. “Spike.” When there was no answer, he tried again. “Wil.”

Spike turned around, a stern look to match the hurtful ‘fuck off’. “Don’t call me that.”

“Why? It’s who you are.”

“No. It’s who I was. And that was a long time ago.”

“Not so long…”

“Xander. Don’t do this.” He shook his head and said softly, “We can’t do this.” Spike turned and slumped against the wall, all bravado disappearing as Xander moved closer to him.

“I’m not trying to do anything, Spike. I just want…” His voice cracked with all the uncertainness he was feeling. “Look, I don’t care if we’re not friends. I don’t even care if you never want to see me again after this. I just can’t live with the thought of knowing you still hate me.”

He slowly slid his hands into his pockets and leaned back against the wall, mimicking Spike.

“You should have thought about that before you…” Spike stopped himself. He swore every day since Xander first arrived that he wasn’t going to bring it up. Wasn’t going to dwell on the past. It was hard enough just being around each other. Every smile, every lazy yawn, every accidental touch that couldn’t be avoided while working so closely together reminded him of what they’d lost. Of what he’d lost.

“I know. But whether you believe it or not, I’m sorry.”

Spike’s face snapped around in anger. “Sorry? That’s all you can say is that you’re sorry?”

“Well I am. What else do you expect me to say? What are you looking for?” Xander asked with as much emotion as he could expel.

Spike closed his eyes, tilting his head up toward the ceiling. “Why.”

“What?” Xander looked at Spike, forcing himself to stare into those blue eyes, seeing all the pain hidden behind the angry mask. He swallowed, trying to hold back the shakiness in his voice.

“That’s what’s been eating me alive for two sodding years. I left never knowing why.”

Xander shrugged, exhaling deeply. “I did it for you.”

~*~

Spike gave Xander an incredulous look and clenched his teeth.

“You did it for me.”

Xander nodded.

“I come home to find you in our bed! You told me it’d been going on for two months! That you’d been fucking around on me for two fucking months and now you’re saying you did it for me.”

Xander swallowed and nodded again.

“Well that’s just fucking great, Harris. Next time, don’t do me any bloody favors.”

Spike turned, pushing off the wall and began to swagger down the hall, leaving Xander and his ‘I did it for you’ speech.

“Wil!”

“Sod off!” he growled, flipping two fingers at the other man behind him before he walked out the door.

Again, Xander wasn’t strong enough and let him leave.

~*~

“I’m so sorry. God, I’m sorry. If I’d known what was gonna happen, I never would have…”

“Shh, I know. It’s alright. Everything’ll be okay.” With sheer gentleness, Spike reached up, pushing a wet strand of hair away from the other man’s face. “You know I’ll never let anything happen to you.”

Xander wiped the tears streaming down his cheeks with the sleeve of his shirt as he stared into Spike’s compassionate eyes.

“CUT!”

The sound of the director’s voice ended the scene and Spike and Xander moved away from each other to furthest ends of the sofa. It was the fifth take they’d filmed and Xander’s emotional state was declining rapidly. He knew it would be difficult, reading through the script and realizing how the scene was supposed to play out, but he wasn’t prepared for how much it would actually hurt. Each time he had to pour his heart out and see the tortured expression on Spike’s face, it became much less acting and a lot closer to real, feeling their own situation. As he wiped his face with the warm, damp towel, he looked up, noticing Spike stealing glances at him.

The next time the director yelled ‘cut’, to Xander’s surprise, Spike didn’t move away.

~*~

It had been eight days since their discussion in the hallway and Spike was miserable. Seeing Xander everyday, being so close to him brought back too many memories he’d long forgotten. He found himself watching, feeling things and longing to be the way they used to be. Through the hurt, he realized the deep love he still held, the reason he hadn’t let anyone else in since. Spike had convinced himself that he was too busy for a relationship, that he enjoyed the countless and nameless one-night stands. But on those nights when he was alone, he began lying awake, remembering all the reasons he’d fallen in love with Xander in the first place.

It was late on a Friday night, actually early Saturday morning when they finally wrapped for the weekend. Xander had long since stopped trying to talk to Spike. He’d learned his lesson, tired of being told to fuck off, sod off, get bent or any of the other British euphemisms Spike was so fond of. Each night, he’d retreat wordlessly into his trailer, gather his belongings and drive back to the small hotel he was calling home for the moment.

With a bag of toiletries in hand, he was standing with his key in the trailer door when he heard the footsteps behind him.

“Xander.”

That voice. That damned sexy accent. He shivered at the way his name slid so easily off Spike’s tongue. He immediately felt the tension grip his shoulders, but he managed to turn around to the voice.

“Spike.”

He was standing, half lit by a small light on the trailer, smoking a cigarette. “You did good tonight.”

Xander shrugged off the compliment. “I guess.” He turned back around, locked the door and then slid the key into his pocket while turning back to face Spike.

“Take some credit. It was a bloody hard scene.”

Xander’s saddened eyes darted away. “Wasn’t so hard.” Too easy to cry when Spike had been looking at him with so much sympathy.

Xander shrugged and began walking, intent on making it to his car, surprised when Spike tossed his cigarette and fell in step beside him. After half a minute or so, he stopped and turned to face the other man. “What are you doing? Last I remember, just a few days ago you were telling me to leave you the fuck alone.”

Spike sighed, kicking the dirt and then looked Xander’s way. “Yeah, about that. Look, if what’s his name isn’t the jealous type, maybe we could go for a cup of coffee?”

~*~

Xander stared in confusion for a moment. His brain went into overload. Who was Spike… Oh!, what’s his name. “I’m not... I mean we’re not…”

Spike’s expression changed to confusion, matching Xander’s own. “I just figured…”

“No. He’s not here with me.”

An eyebrow rose. “Ah. Keeping the home fires burning, eh?”

“Spike.”

“Guess he won’t mind then. You being here, him there. Cup of coffee’s just a cup of coffee.”

“Spike. We’re not… I’m not with him.”

Spike couldn’t hide the relief he felt at those four words. “Anyone else waiting for you then?”

Xander answered with a shake of his head. “Just me. And I’m really in the mood for coffee.”

~*~

Spike cradled his mug, sitting sideways in the booth with his leg cocked up in the seat watching Xander pour nine packets of sugar into his mocha. When Xander finally looked up, he caught the intense smile.

“What?”

“You always did have a taste for the sweet stuff.”

“And you always took yours black.” Xander smiled back. “I guess that’s why you were the one who always had the six-pack abs.”

Spike let his eyes travel the length of Xander’s torso that wasn’t hidden behind the small booth table. “Back then, maybe. Now it looks like you’ve been hitting the gym.”

Xander shrugged. “Just figured I should start taking care of myself.”

Spike cocked an eyebrow. “Fairly sure you turn some heads, pet.”

A crimson blush crept over his face but Xander didn’t miss the subtle term he’d been so fond of when they were together. Pet, luv, Xan…all endearments saved exclusively for him. He traced the rim of his coffee cup and pondered how many others since then had enjoyed his nicknames.

Spike noticed the shift in mood and began fidgeting with the empty packets lying on the table. They both looked up at the same time, catching each other’s gaze. Both had questions and both were afraid to ask.

A blink later, Xander gained the courage. After all, there was a time he could have told this man anything. This was still William, no matter what had happened between them. “I’m sorry if my being here makes you uncomfortable.”

This time, it was Spike who shrugged. “I asked you for coffee, remember?”

He shook his head. “You know I’m not talking about the fucking coffee. I’m talking about me showing up in your life, feeling like…I don’t even know how I feel about it.”

Blue eyes looked up, lost and uncertain. “What happened to us, Xan? I thought we were happy. Until that day, I thought you were happy. Why’d you…were you just pretending to want me?”

All the pain came flooding to the surface. If Spike had only known how it had killed Xander to watch him walk out the door. To let him go when all he really wanted to do was beg him to stay. But he couldn’t, because it wouldn’t have been fair. Not to someone as energetic and full of life as his lover had been.

So here they were, two years later and Xander decided again that a lie was better then the truth. “I was afraid.”

~*~

“Afraid?”

“To spend the rest of my life with someone? Forever? I guess I got cold feet. I was just too stupid to talk to you about it.” It sounded like a good a story as any and Xander was hoping Spike would buy it.

“Forever was the bloody point. I thought its what you wanted! One week later and we would have been in Hawaii, properly committed, ‘til death do us part. Instead, I find you shagging that nancy-boy Aaron, Adam, whatever the bloody fuck his name was when we should have been packing our sodding suitcases!”

“Andrew.” His eyes were focused on the table, too ashamed to meet Spike’s.

Spike shook his head and picked up his cigarettes, tapping one out, letting Xander see the shakiness as he tried to light it. “Right. Andrew,” he repeated venomously.

Xander waited. He watched while Spike smoked, knowing the cigarette would calm him and then finally said, “It didn’t mean anything.”

The heated look Xander received could have melted metal. “Oh yeah, he was just the bloke you’d been shagging behind my back. The reason you threw away an entire bloody year.”

“Wil.”

“Unless, maybe you were talking about me…or us. Is that it, Xander? What we had didn’t mean anything to you?”

Xander’s eyes widened. “God, no! How could you even… of course you meant something! You were everything!”

“Funny way of showin’ it, mate.”

“I just… really screwed it up, didn’t I?” Xander asked with a sigh. “Didn’t know what I was doing.”

“Guess it doesn’t much matter now. Two years is a long time. Nearly forgotten about it before you showed up,” Spike lied.

Xander nodded. “I’m glad things are good for you, Spike.” He gave a half smile, not at all how he was really feeling. “Spike.” He let it slip off his tongue. “That still sounds weird.”

“But it was Spike that got me my first role. Not William.”

“Yeah. I know.”

The blond head tilted.

“I saw it,” Xander answered, staring into his coffee cup. “Actually,” he looked up, “I’ve seen ‘em all.”

With a raise of the eyebrow, Spike smiled.

“Everything except this one. I really didn’t know you were gonna be here.”

“Would you’ve taken the part if you’d known?”

Xander contemplated for a moment and then smiled. “I didn’t think so at first, but yeah,” he nodded, “I’m glad I did. At least for the chance to say I screwed up. And maybe for a chance to win your friendship back?”

“You don’t have to win anything, Harris. As bad as it was after…” Spike sighed and then took another deep breath. “Not being there was harder.”

“I never would’ve imagined my life without you, and you know what?”

Spike shrugged and Xander answered.

“It pretty much sucked.”

~*~

“Nine ball in the corner pocket.”

Xander watched, cradling his pool cue as Spike sunk the last ball on the table for the third time in a row. When the blond head rose up, smirk planted firmly in place, Xander caught the glimmer of familiarity in the blue eyes. This was the person he’d known back then, when they were just starting out as friends. Before the relationship, before they became lovers, before they decided to spend the rest of their lives together, before… When everything was still right in the world.

“Fuck.”

“That’s three beers you owe me, Harris. Ready to quit embarrassing yourself yet?”

Xander answered with a shake of the head. “Just getting warmed up.”

“That was your excuse two racks ago. I think it’s time you just admit I’m better and cut your losses.”

Xander’s pout went unnoticed as Spike picked up his mug and downed the last of its contents. Taking Spike’s advice, Xander placed the cue in the rack on the wall and sat down on a stool in the corner. Spike joined him, motioning to the waitress, leaning over the table inches away from Xander. “It’s alright. She gives it to me for free anyway.”

They’d been spending time together in the two weeks since their talk at the coffeehouse. Rekindling a lost friendship, both easing back into the comfort of being around each other without any expectations. The past was left behind, each content to trade the old memories for newer, less painful ones.

“How is it that you can come in here and no one bothers you? Not a single picture? Autograph?”

With a shrug of his shoulders, Spike passed it off. “Used to me. Been thrown outta here more times than I can count. Just another bloke as far as they’re concerned.”

Xander smiled. “Is it hard?”

“What?”

“All the fans… always wanting something from you. Expecting… things.”

The smirk fell in place again as Spike reached for a cigarette. “Things, Harris?”

“You know, expecting you to…unless…” He couldn’t say it, instead stopping short and hoping Spike would finish for him.

“You tryin’ to ask me if I shag ‘em?”

Xander had the decency to look ashamed, but nodded anyway.

~*~

“You really think this is such a good idea?”

Every night for three weeks, Xander and Spike would either leave the studio together or meet up shortly afterward. They’d usually grab a burger and end up at one of the local bars, shooting pool and drinking their fill. Tonight, though, Spike had different plans.

“Oh, C’mon. I come here all the time.” He scaled the wall and made it over the wooden fence, landing with a thud on the other side.

Xander cautiously did the same and wound up eating dirt as he tumbled over. Choking and coughing, he heard Spike laughing behind him, even as a hand was held out to help him up. Brushing off his jeans, Xander finally took notice of where they were.

“Wow. This place is…”

“Incredible. I know.”

Xander glanced around in amazement at the show of forgotten antiques. “Where are we?”

“A graveyard, of sorts,” Spike answered, moving forward deeper into the fenced in area. “Old cars, mostly antiques… abandoned and forgotten.” He ran his hand along the hood of a black business coupe, stripped down inside, left mostly intact outside.

“God, they’re beautiful.” Xander smiled, following Spike through the masses of deserted vehicles.

“I thought you’d enjoy this.” Spike stopped and leaned against a blue and white ’56 Chevy to light a cigarette. “I remember your passion for old cars.”

“I can’t believe they’re just sitting here!”

“People move on. Newer, better…faster.” Spike began walking again, leaving Xander to follow behind him. “In fact…” He reached his destination and jumped up to sit on the hood.

Xander’s eyes widened. “It’s your car! You brought the Desoto here?”

Spike shrugged. “Seemed the proper place. She was old, was costing me a small fortune to keep ‘er runnin’.”

“But, the Desoto. She was your baby.” Xander let his hand run along the edge of the front bumper and then stepped up, joining Spike to lie back against the windshield.

“Me and her… had some memories, that’s for sure.”

Xander chuckled and moved his hands to rest behind his head. “I remember making a few memories of our own.”

Spike grinned and flicked the finished cigarette to the ground. “Shagged you for the first time in this bloody car.” He shook his head and closed his eyes, taking a long, deep breath. “If the back seat could tell stories…”

A giggle came from beside him. “We’d probably be arrested.”

A smile ghosted on Spike’s lips and then slowly died. “Yeah, well. She’s just a heap of junk now. Like I said, people move on.” He stared up, gazing at the clear sky and stars above them.

The silence between them became uncomfortable as they both sought out their own thoughts. After a deep sigh, Xander cleared his throat, trying to find the place they’d made it to where the pain wasn’t so deep. “So, you come here often?” He chuckled at the cliché, trying to lighten the mood.

Spike’s thoughts didn’t budge. “Sometimes, when I want to think. And remember.”

“Don’t…” Xander pleaded.

“Do you ever think about us at all? Wonder what it would have been like? Because I do. I said I’d gotten over it, over you. But that’s impossible.” He sat up, turning his body to face Xander’s. “I think about you all the bloody time, Xan. You’re inside me. You broke my heart and kept all the pieces so no one else would ever have a chance.”

“Wil…”

“When you showed up, I was furious. Couldn’t stand the thought that I might see you with someone else. With him.” He reached out, taking a chance and ran his finger along Xander’s cheek. “I wouldn’t have been able to handle that a second time.”

Xander blinked and took in the smell of the leather Spike was wearing as he moved closer toward him. “I was afraid of the same thing. That I’d see you with someone,” he whispered.

Spike bit his lower lip and moved even closer, his mouth hovering against Xander’s. “Why don’t we make this right, pet?” Slowly, he brushed the lips he’d dreamt about for two years, lingering, until Xander finally began to kiss him back.

~*~

The kiss deepened, both men hungry for the taste of one another. Xander reached around, gripping the back of Spike’s neck and pulled him down for better access. Spike’s leg slid between Xander’s, his knee bent to balance his weight as he pressed the rest of his body against the one beneath him. “Missed you,” he whispered between breathless kisses. “Missed you so much.”

Xander let his fingers wander, reaching inside the leather duster to grip Spike’s shoulders. Slowly, he slid the coat down Spike’s arms until it was discarded beside them on the other side of the hood.

“Never thought I’d feel you again. Kiss you…” Xander’s voice tapered off as Spike dove in again, his tongue circling the inside of Xander’s mouth. Another kiss, deeper and more forceful caused both men to moan.

As Spike’s knee moved upward, applying pressure, rubbing firmly against Xander’s groin, he felt hands underneath his shirt, fingernails lightly scratching along his spine. Spike groaned against Xander’s lips and changed position, sliding his free leg inside to meet the other. He placed his hands on either side of Xander’s head and lifted his upper body so the only part touching were their hips. He began rocking, sliding denim against denim, moaning each time he felt the growing bulge meet his own.

“Did you miss this, Xan? I can feel how hard you are. Feel your cock pushing against me…”

“Aahhh, Wil. You feel so, oh that’s so good.” He pushed his head up, trying to lock onto the kiss bruised lips as he began thrusting his hips in time with Spike’s.

“That’s it, pet. Rock against me,” he said, his voice low and seductive, barely a purr in Xander’s ear. “Almost as good as when you’re inside me.” He let his teeth scrape the sensitive lobe and added, “or you could just fuck me.”

Xander heard the word and his body froze. Panic took hold and he began pushing Spike away.

“No. We can’t… I can’t do this. I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry, I just… I just can’t.” He chanced a look into Spike’s eyes and saw the confusion mixed with lingering desire. Desire for him. He blinked so he wouldn’t have to see the look and slid from the hood of the car. “We should never have… we shouldn’t have done this.”

Spike was still in shocked confusion, watching as Xander began moving away from him. “Xander?”

“I’ve gotta… I’m gonna go. Okay? I can make it to my car and I’ll just… I’ll see you tomorrow.” He wasn’t waiting for an answer, already moving quickly to the front of the junkyard.

“Xander! Wait!”

Xander ignored him and disappeared.

~*~

Having no scenes together, Xander managed to avoid Spike for three long days. His cell phone went unanswered, the caller ID letting him know every time Spike tried to reach him. He felt guilty for letting things go so far. He never should have been there. Never should have allowed the closeness to begin seeping back into his life. But Spike was his drug and he knew, deep down that if they spent enough time together, he’d fall just as hard as he had the first time around. There’s something to be said about finding that one special person.

He took another swallow from the bottle cradled between his legs and turned the television’s sound up louder to drown out the voices in his head.

~*~

“Where’s Harris?”

The director, looking more than a little perturbed waved his hand toward the open set. “Not here. Had three scenes to shoot today, too.”

“What, he didn’t show up?”

The other man shrugged. “Sick. Or so he told Jennifer.”

Spike’s brow rose and he turned his head to find Xander’s assistant. “Look, I don’t think there’s much I can do around here. Mind if I take off?”

“Pfft. Might as well. The day’s a wash. Just show up tomorrow morning ready to get back on schedule.”

Within a few minutes, Spike had managed to finagle an address and was on his way to find out what exactly what the hell was going on with Xander.

He pulled up to the small hotel, hardly believing Xander would actually be staying at a place like this until he saw the blue Trailblazer in the parking lot.

Walking along the rooms until he found the number Jennifer had given him, he stood for a minute debating before finally knocking on the door. There was no answer, but the sound of the blaring television told him Xander was there. He closed his fist and banged louder and more persistent. Finally, footsteps padded toward him and the door flung open.

Spike stared. Xander stared. Turning away, Xander left the door open and retreated into the small room. Beer in hand, he flopped onto the bed, leaned back on the headboard and divulged his attention toward the TV.

Spike wearily walked in, closing the door behind him and noticed the room in full detail. Empty bottles filled the trashcan until it overflowed, leaving the remaining ones to lie where they landed on the floor.

“You look like hell.”

Xander held up the bottle in toast fashion and took a healthy swig. “Looks are deceiving.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Very perceptive.”

Spike shook his head and moved closer to the bed. “And you stink.”

Xander lifted his arm and took a small whiff. “And your point would be?”

Without answering, Spike took a cigarette from the pack in his pocket and slid it between his lips.

“No smoking in here.”

He sighed and slipped it back into his pocket.

Xander’s gaze fell on his bottle. “It’s funny. Even after you left, I used to always sit in the smoking section. I guess it was just out of habit.” He glanced at Spike with saddened eyes. “And then I just kind of… stopped.”

“You wanna tell me what’s going on, Harris?”

He waited and watched as a frown appeared on Xander’s lips. “I made it up. All of it. Everything about Andrew."

Spike looked at him with confusion. "What are you on about?"

"I'm trying to tell you I never fucked around on you." Xander hesitated and his voice softened into a whisper. "Not until that day.”

~*~

Spike’s hands slid into his coat pockets, wrapping the leather tight around his body as he sat down across from Xander on the opposite double bed. “You told me it’d been going on for two months.”

Xander shrugged. “I told you what you needed to hear.”

Spikes eyes narrowed. “What the buggering hell’s that supposed to mean?”

Xander calmly took another drink, tipping the bottle to finish it and then threw it beside the trashcan with the others. “I knew you’d forgive me if it was only once.” He chanced a look at Spike through eyes that held too many sad secrets. “I didn’t want you to forgive me. I told you what I had to, to make you leave.”

Silence enveloped them, Spike trying to comprehend what Xander was saying, Xander holding his breath, waiting for Spike to say something… anything. When nothing came, he moved, stumbling as he made his way to the extra bed. Slowly lowering himself down onto his knees on the floor directly in front of Spike, his hands slid to the sides of leather-covered thighs. As the first of many tears began to trickle, he turned his head sideways and placed it in Spike’s lap.

He sniffed and tried to talk, but his voice came out weak and shaky. “It killed me, watching you leave. It was the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Spike took a few deep breaths, trying to keep it together while watching Xander loose his composure. He moved his hands, placing one on each side of the tear streaked cheeks and turned Xander’s head upward. He stared into those saddened eyes, blinking back his own emotions that were trying to break free. “I loved you, Xan. Just tell me… Why the lies?”

Xander closed his eyes, trying to hide from seeing the hurt.

“No. Open your eyes and look at me. Look at me and tell me why.”

“Wil…”

“No more excuses, Xander.”

More tears fell from Xander’s lids. He moved closer, easing his hands around to meet behind Spike’s back, gripping tight while trying to pull the other man toward him. “I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I just didn’t… I had to let you go. I didn’t want…”

Spike urged him on, his arms snaking around to rub circles against Xander’s back, shushing and trying to calm him. “I know. You were scared. You said that.”

“No. It was easier to tell you that, too.” His body shook, small tremors trying to subside as he finally opened up. “It was easier than trying to protect you. Trying to keep you from having to see…” He stopped, swallowing down the lump in his throat when he realized he couldn’t say it.

“See what, pet? Protect me from what?”

Xander’s hands squeezed harder against Spike’s back and he felt the arms around him take a stronger hold. “From me. I couldn’t take a chance, could never forgive myself…”

Panic rose inside Spike’s chest. An endless array of possibilities flashed through his mind and he stomped on all of them. Through gritted teeth, he managed, “Just say it.”

“I’m positive, Wil.” His head hung low, shading his eyes from Spike’s view. Barely audible, he repeated, “I tested positive.”

~*~

A chill eased its way down Spike’s spine. Xander. Positive. No bloody way in hell.

“You can’t be.”

Xander let go of Spike and moved from the vulnerable position. He eased backward until his back rested against the other bed, wrapping his hands around his knees.

“Can’t?”

“Or, are you… how? How is it possible? If you didn’t cheat…”

“I didn’t. Ever.”

“Then how?”

Xander shrugged. “It had to be someone… before.”

“But how could you not know? All that time? We were together for a bloody year.”

“I know. I’ve been through it all.” Xander leaned his head forward, running his hands through grungy, unwashed hair and then let them rest on the back of his neck. “You were the one always worried about getting checked. So worried about being safe.”

“Xan…”

“I was so fucking stupid. Never went with you.” His voice carried on in a whisper. “Each time they said you were okay, I figured I was too.”

He finally looked up to see Spike staring down at him, his own tears wetting his cheeks.

“Remember that cold I got right before… the one I just couldn’t seem to shake?”

Spike nodded. Xander had been sick with the flu for three weeks straight with Spike shoving every over-the-counter medicine he could get his hands on down his lover’s throat. He had vowed to make him well, knowing their trip was fast approaching and telling Xander he wasn’t having a honeymoon with a sniffling, sneezing, walking Niquil commercial.

“I finally went to the doctor thinking I could get something stronger, you know?”

Spike nodded again.

“He said he didn’t like the way it was lingering. Asked me if I had any history of immune deficiencies, or anything…”

Spike’s body tensed at the thought again. Xander. Positive.

“I think he was trying to hint without actually saying it. I told him no but that I hadn’t been tested… recently.”

Xander glanced up again to see Spike’s hands shaking as he tried to light a cigarette. He was about to remind him of the No Smoking rule, but then shrugged and continued his story. “He said I could have been infected for a few years without any symptoms.”

Spike wiped at the tears with the back of one hand, while holding his burning cigarette in the other. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand the thought of you having to deal with it.”

Spike’s face took on a whole new look. He was angry and he wasn’t going to hide it.

~*~

Spike stood up, flicking his butt into the trashcan, not caring that the tip was still burning.

“You selfish sod.”

Xander’s head snapped upward, a look of confusion mixed with a frown on his lips. “What? I wasn’t being selfish! I was thinking about you!”

“Took the easy way out, didn’t you? Went out, found some little twinkie to fuck? Bet you planned it just right, too. Knew I’d find you there, in our bed.”

“Spike…”

“No. I think I hit the nail right on the head, didn’t I?! You couldn’t handle it so you made sure I wasn’t around to see what a sodding idiot you were!”

“Shut the fuck up. You don’t know anything!”

Spike laughed. An evil, angered, full of emotion chuckle. “No! I don’t know anything! Because you kept me in the dark and pushed me away!”

Xander was up off the floor and facing down Spike before he had a chance to say anything else. “I pushed you away because I didn’t want you to always worry about being with me! I know you! You would have said it didn’t matter, but deep down, you’d be terrified. Always wondering, always afraid. Do I have it, will I get it. Is this gonna be the time…I may have to live with this fucking disease, but that doesn’t mean you do!”

Spike stepped in, closing the distance until they were nose to nose. “You didn’t have the right to make that choice!”

“I wasn’t going to let you stay with me out of some stupid sense of loyalty!”

“Loyalty?! You think I would have stayed because of loyalty!?” Spike grit his teeth and shook his head, trying to push his anger down so he could think rationally. “Try love. That’s what you do when you love someone. You stick it through even when life throws a big pile of shit at you.”

“Well this is more than a pile of shit. This is a fucking manure truck.”

Spike blinked at Xander’s sense of humor. He couldn’t help it and found his arms wrapping around Xander’s waist, pulling him in. As angry and hurt as he was, he knew what Xander was going through was magnified ten fold. “How could you possibly think I wouldn’t want to be with you?”

Xander closed his eyes and let his head tilt to rest on Spike’s shoulder. “You say that now. But what about if I’m sick? Or worse? I’ve spent the last two years exercising, eating right, popping meds… doing everything I can to be healthy. It’s not always gonna be this way.”

Spike moved his hand to the back of Xander’s neck, playing with the dark curls. “What about love?”

“What about it? There are always guys around who want to fuck. I’m always up front. Tell ‘em exactly how it is.”

“I wasn’t talking about fucking.”

He shook his head slightly before answering, “I know.”

“So you’ll risk some anonymous stranger, but you pushed me away?”

Xander sighed. “I don’t care about them. I know that may sound cold, but I let them know. If they don’t care, I don’t care. With you, things are different.”

“That should be my choice, pet. You had no right to take it away from me.”

“I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened. All it takes is just one time.”

“You’re worth the risk, Xander. If I’d known the truth, I never would have left.”

~*~

Laying his coat across the extra bed, Spike began cleaning the mountain of empty beer bottles, dumping them into a large trashbag to dispose of later. Then came the assortment of worn and dirty clothes tossed around the room, seemingly lying wherever they’d dropped. He picked them up one by one and made a laundry heap in the corner of the small room.

Spike casually eased his way over to the rumpled bed and sat down. He listened for the sound of the running shower through the paper-thin walls and when satisfied he wouldn’t be interrupted, he reached for the black, leather wallet sitting on the nightstand. His fingers lightly traced the initials etched into the small, silver plate. ALH. Alexander Lavelle Harris. Spike closed his eyes and began to reminisce.

“What are we doing here?”

He grabbed Xander’s hand and dragged him inside, grinning from ear to ear like a child in a toy store.

“Shopping, pet. Need a new wallet, don’t you?”

Xander gave a frightened look of shock and clutched the object resting inside his back pocket. “Nothing wrong with the one I got!”

“That ratty old worn out thing?”

“It’s not old,” Xander defended. “Just… broken in.”

Spike rolled his eyes and began walking toward the glassed in display cabinet. “C’mon, Xan.”

“Mmm. Don’t you love that smell?” Xander let go of Spike, trying to change the subject and turned to bury his nose into the heady scent of leather.

With a sigh, Spike gazed around the large shop, eyeing several employees oblivious to their presence. His grin turned predator, the wallet forgotten as he pushed Xander further into the corner against an assortment of soft, leather coats. “Like the feel of it,” he purred, wrapping Xander inside a long, black duster hanging on a rack against the wall. He leaned into the larger body, trapping him with nowhere to escape. “Can imagine lying you down, naked except for the leather against your skin.”

Xander half moaned at the feel of Spike’s weight pushing against him, aware of how very public this public place was. “People. People here,” he warned shifting his eyes across the room.

“Don’t care.” For the first time displayed out in the open, his lips met Xander’s and pressed softly, his hands snaking their way under the coat to wrap around his lover’s back. Spike closed his eyes and let out a low, breathless moan. “Want me to buy a coat like this? Lay you down, wrap you up and fuck you against the smell of new leather?”

Ignoring the onlookers now tentative on watching the couple making out in public view, Xander gripped him, his fingers wrapping tightly around sandy brown curls, forcing a deeper kiss. “I think you need to take me home now.”

Barely able to wait out the anticipation, they walked out with their purchases of one shiny new wallet for Xander and a garment bag that was home to Spike’s new knee length, black leather duster.

Spike rubbed at the worn material between his fingers, glanced at the closed bathroom door and unsnapped the wallet. He blinked and inhaled a quick breath when he saw the picture on display where an ID should have been. He slowly slid the photograph out, gripping it with both hands as he focused on the familiar faces.

“I never could bring myself to get rid of it.” Spike glanced up and saw Xander watching him, arms crossed, leaning against the frame of the bathroom door. Realizing he hadn’t heard the water being turned off, he shifted his eyes back to the picture. “Surprised you kept it.”

Xander shrugged. “I take it out and look at it sometimes.” He took a few steps closer until he reached the bed and sat down next to Spike. He let his eyes wander to the picture of himself with an earlier version of William and whispered, “It reminds me that I was happy once.”

~*~

“I’ve spent the last two years thinking you were happy.” Spike pushed the picture back into Xander’s wallet and then placed it back on the nightstand before turning his body toward the other man. With a gentle hand, he ran his finger along Xander’s jaw line, rubbing softly. “Thinking you were in love with someone else.”

Xander’s hand wandered upward, reaching for Spike’s. He entwined their fingers and closed his eyes, turning his head further into the touch. “Not possible.”

Their eyes met and all it took was a look between them before they were kissing. Kissing deep and hard, making up for two years of lost time and bitter memories. Spike pushed, urging Xander to lie back and moved his body half-on, half-off of him, still lost in kisses sweeter than anything he could remember. His hand wandered, tracing the outline of a hard-worked chest, past equally hard abs, to slide Xander’s shirt up slightly. He circled the dark line of hair that disappeared underneath the gray sweatpants, before moving down further to rub his hand firmly over the tented material. Tracing the outline, he moaned and shifted his weight, pressing his own swollen cock against Xander’s hip.

With his palm flat, he rubbed the length, bringing Xander’s erection to full hardness until the tip pushed against the top of his sweats. Spike slid his fingers to the waistband and tried to push inside when Xander’s fingers wrapped around his wrist. “No.”

Spike flinched and pulled away, his face contorted into a look of fear. Fear that he’d done something wrong. Xander’s other hand curled around the back of Spike’s neck, pulling him in for another kiss as he shifted their bodies. With Spike now on bottom, Xander hovered above, licking a path down the side of his neck, scooting his body as he moved to Spike’s chest. “You smell so fucking good.” Raising the t-shirt to be able to reach the desired area, he licked first one nipple and then the other, smiling when Spike arched his back and began mumbling words of encouragement under his breath.

*** ***

“That’s it. Right there.” Spike thrust forward, his back arching off the bed, trying to bury himself further inside the warmth. He let out a sudden gasp when he felt the tip of his cock rub against the back of Xander’s throat and felt just the right amount of pressure as Xander swallowed around him. His breath hitched when Xander’s tongue traced along the underside, running over the sensitive throbbing vein and then stopped short to dip into the slit, gathering the leaking wetness. When he was engulfed again, his entire cock buried deep inside Xander’s mouth, Spike threaded his fingers tightly through the brown, mussed hair and set a steady rhythm, fucking at a slow, pleasurable pace.

“Don’t stop… almost there, pet.” Murmured breathlessly between harsh gasps, Spike’s stomach muscles began to spasm under Xander’s fingers. “Gonna come!” With a final thrust, Spike flooded Xander’s mouth, watching as his throat reflexively swallowed every drop.

Xander eased his body back up next to Spike’s, locking onto his lips, his tongue diving deep inside. When the kiss ended, Spike raised his hand, cupping Xander’s cheek. “You didn’t have to….”

Xander shook his head. “I’ve been wanting to do that since the day I walked onto the set and saw you.”

Spike smiled and dropped his hand, reaching for Xander’s cock, still bobbing stiffly between them. “My turn to take care of you.”

Xander hastily pushed him off and swung his legs over the side of the bed to sit up. “It’s alright Spike. There’s plenty of time. Let’s just take it slow, okay?”

~*~

Xander stood in front of the bathroom mirror, both hands on the sink, staring at his haunted reflection. “You are such an idiot.”

He gathered the cold water into his hands, splashing his face and then ran his wet fingers through his hair. Why did he do this to himself? Why didn’t he leave when he saw Spike’s name on the roster? If he’d been smart, he could have avoided the entire situation. Instead, he fell back into the same old feelings, which ended up giving Spike hope. Hope that would be shattered as soon as Xander made him realize that they’d been wrong. That it was a mistake. One that could never happen again.

For the next three days, Xander pretended as if nothing had happened. He tried to forget that they had kissed and touched and felt the connection that had always been so easy between them. He especially didn’t think about the look on Spike’s face, the passion and love when Xander took him between his lips. That Spike had called his name when he came. And that was the stupidity in a nutshell.

His stupidity in his lack of resistance, of common sense when he was around the other man. Might as well have just taken Spike’s ass. Condom be damned because what he’d done was just as dangerous. He’d been lost in it, wrapped around the sight, the taste and feel of a fantasy. A dream he’d lost where he was normal and could do normal things with his normal boyfriend. Where for once, he didn’t have to wear a double layer of rubber that made it almost not worth the effort in the first place.

Almost, because he’d had that, too. The feel of arms around him, hands gripping tight even if it was just to make it easier for them to fuck him, was better than being alone. There’d been countless men, nameless faces after William had left. Until Xander wised up, pulled himself out of the gutter of self pity and realized his selfishness would be the death of some unsuspecting fool.

From then on, he was careful, looking for someone only occasionally to fill the void, using two condoms and never letting them touch or be touched, even if it was just to have the ill-illusioned security of thinking he could avoid subjecting them to the same fate he was stuck with.

But then there was Spike. The one man who made him hate that he couldn’t have it all. That made him want to take chances against the odds. He’d looked into the blue eyes that held so many shared memories and experiences and his selfishness returned. He wanted Spike all or nothing and didn’t think he could handle settling for halfway.

So Xander put on a show of bravado and resorted back to the old standby that always seemed to work for him. Avoidance. When Spike asked to catch a movie together, Xander was unavailable. When Spike suggested a game of billiards, Xander was feeling sick and needed a good night’s sleep. When Spike invited him back to his apartment, he sighed uncomfortably, wanting nothing more than to give in and go with him, but he resisted, making another of a hundred excuses.

~*~

“So this is how it’s gonna be then?”

He hesitated, but then continued to pass by when he noticed Spike leaning against a brick wall, smoking a cigarette. Xander had taken a back entrance from the studio, purposely hoping to avoid Spike, along with the conversation that he didn’t want to have. He kept walking, hands in his pockets, eyes down, completely deflated. It was difficult enough having to see Spike all day, every day, but outside, without the made-up characters and fake scripts carefully laying out every word for him, he didn’t know what to say. Without someone else’s writing, he didn’t know how to act. He was afraid to face him. But most of all, he was afraid of giving in.

When he heard the sound of boots on the pavement and realized he was being followed, he finally gave up and stopped, his eyes still cast downward. “How what’s gonna be?”

Spike moved in front of him, making sure to obstruct his path. The used cigarette was flicked to the ground and Xander caught a halfway glimpse of the clenched jaw line when he chanced a small glance upward.

“This thing. Between you and me. Gonna act like it didn’t happen then.”

And the question was answered when Xander’s head rose, trying to back up his words with a deadpan look in his eyes. “There is no you and me, Spike. Hasn’t been for a long time.”

Spike’s head tilted in a way that made Xander’s heart begin to pound, as if he was actually contemplating, trying to accept it. But then- “I was there. I felt it, same as you.”

“It wasn’t real. Nothing but nostalgia. You were looking at that god damn picture and…”

“Bollocks!” Spike moved in, his eyes slanted to slits, his voice teetering on the edge of anger. “I’ve let you have your excuses. But now… I don’t know what bloody game you’re playing, but that fucking picture had nothing to do with what happened.”

Xander’s voice rose, “And what happened, Spike?! Huh?” When he didn’t answer right away, Xander took his chance to dig. “I blew you. Big fucking deal! I was drinking, I was horny and I sucked your dick. End of story.”

He shoved his way around Spike and started walking again; even knowing he had no chance of getting away that easy. Sometimes, an argument won was all in the attitude. He made it four steps before Spike grabbed his arm and pulled him back around.

“Uh-uh, pet. Not getting rid of me so easy this time. You’re gonna spill what’s going on in that addle-minded little brain of yours and you and me are gonna have a conversation.”

Xander grit his teeth and tensed, rubbing at his arm when Spike finally let go.

“You don’t want to have this conversation, Spike. But, let me see if I can tell you what you do want.” Xander bit his lip and sighed, exhaling deeply. “You wanna turn back the clock and pick up where we were two years ago. Right?! You wanna reminisce and walk down memory lane and act like nothing’s changed. Well sorry to tell ya, pal. Things have changed! And there’s nothing you can say or do to make it anything other than what it is.”

Spike’s arms crossed and he shifted his weight from his right to his left foot. “ And what is it exactly? Enlighten me.”

Xander shook his head. “Does it even mean anything to you?! Don’t you get it! I am positive! I have HIV! Any fluid inside my body can fucking kill you! What part of this don’t you understand?!”

Spike’s expression turned sour as he stepped closer, pushing into Xander’s space. “The part where I’m supposed to let that scare me off. Where you say AIDS and I’m supposed to haul my ass in the other direction. Is that the answer you’re looking for?”

Xander nodded smugly. “Yeah. If you were smart.”

“You’re a sodding arse.”

Xander’s forehead rippled, his face scrunching in confusion. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, don’t play bloody stupid with me. You’re forgetting something. I. Know. You. I know everything about you. You’re trying to drive everyone away so you won’t be an inconvenience, right? Protecting everyone? Especially me.”

“Wil…”

“No. When’s the last time you talked to your chums? Buffy? Willow? Do they even know?”

Xander’s eyes found the ground. “They wouldn’t understand.”

“Ah. As I thought. Kind of the same way I wouldn’t understand?”

Xander nodded without looking up.

“Wrench in your little scenario, luv. I do understand. And as much as you don’t like it, I’m not leaving. You pushed me away before because I was a buggering idiot. Not gonna happen again.”

“Spike…”

“I’m not stupid. I know the risks. Won’t pretend it’ll be a walk in the park. But damn it, Xander… I love you. Can’t you see that?”

Xander blinked and everything seemed to move in slow motion. As he slowly looked up, Spike’s arms were around him, holding him, whispering that he wasn’t alone. He pulled away, just enough to be able to see Spike’s face. “That’s why I don’t trust myself with you. I forget.”

“Forgetting’s what you need, pet. And I’ll remind you when it’s necessary, right?”

“But you didn’t! The other day, I sucked you off, Spike. I sucked you off and you didn’t stop me! Don’t you realize???”

“Yes,” he answered harshly. He exhaled slowly and leaned in closer. “But not again. Okay? We were both weak, but now we know. We’ll help each other.”

“It won’t be the same. What you’ll have to learn to live with? The sex… A blowjob with a condom…”

“Will be just as good knowing you’re the one giving it, pet. Not something you need to worry about.”

“But what if…”

“Xander.” Spike snapped at him to get his full attention. “It’s not just about fucking. I can fuck anyone. It’s about wanting to be with you.”

Xander closed his eyes and leaned their foreheads together.

“So what do you say?” Spike asked softly. “Is there a you and me?”

~*~
“Just, I don’t know…stuff it in the closet,” Xander answered from the other room, too busy with his own project to pay attention to Spike.

Spike glanced down at the box full of their porn collection and then back to Xander. “You want me to put it in the closet?”

Xander pulled another cushion off the couch, tossed it onto the floor and began jumping up and down on it. “Yeah!” he called, placing the pillow back where it was, only to grab another one.

Spike shrugged his shoulders and dropped the box onto the floor of the closet at the end of the foyer. He couldn’t wait to see the look on Buffy’s face when she opened that door. He pushed it shut and went to join Xander, stopping when he caught a glimpse of him mid-jump. He smiled and leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms in front of him.

“What the bloody hell are you doing, luv?”

Xander lost his balance, tripped and fell back onto the sofa. Embarrassed, he looked up. “Uhh, straightening the cushions?”

With his eyebrow raised at attention, Spike smirked.

“Yeah,” Xander explained, “they’re all lopsided. I was just putting the stuffing back where it’s supposed to go.”

“Uh huh,” Spike answered slowly. He moved closer, seductively eyeing Xander from head to toe. “And you’re doing this why?”

Xander frowned. “Just because.”

Spike slithered forward and kneeled down, sliding between Xander’s open knees; his hands rubbing slowly up the outside of his thighs to grip his hips.

“The girls aren’t gonna care. They’re coming to see you, not the bloody furniture.”

“Actually, Dawnie’s made me completely aware that she’s just coming for the pool. And the California guys,” he added with a smile before turning serious again. “I know. I just wanna…” he used his elbow to fluff the cushion behind him, “make a good impression.”

Spike leaned forward and kissed him. “You’re trying too hard.”

Xander eased in, letting his tongue run across Spike’s bottom lip. “It’s just been awhile. Six months is a long time. I want them to know how good we’re doing. How happy we are…so they see that they don’t have to worry about me.”

Spike’s brow rose as his thumb shifted to the crease between Xander’s inner thigh and groin and began to rub. “Mmm. More than happy to let them see,” he licked his lips, “how well you’re being taken care of.”

Xander caught his hand. “Stop that. Remember what I said. No embarrassing anyone with the blatant touchy feely.”

With the smirk firmly in place, he centered his thumb and slid it over Xander’s zipper.

“No, Spike! They’re gonna be here in just a few minutes!”

“A few minutes are all I need, pet.”

“Spike.”

A pout curled on Spike’s mouth as he pulled his hand away with a defeated sigh. “How long are they staying again?”

“Three days.”

“Three days of good behavior.” He shook his head. “Guess we have to lay off shagging in the hot tub then?”

He caught Xander’s stern look.

“Alright. Best behavior.” He stood up to let Xander finish his fluffing. “But don’t expect me to be a gentleman behind closed doors. You didn’t say anything about that.”

~*~

“Oh my god! This place is like a mansion! I mean, it’s ten times the size of your old apartment! How many rooms do you have?! Do you have any famous neighbors? Can you introduce me to Johnny Depp?!”

Xander and Spike stood wide-eyed as Dawn dodged and swirled through the house, opening doors, sneaking her head inside every crevice.

“Calm down, Dawnie. I don’t really think they know Johnny Depp,” Willow answered, dragging a roll along suitcase behind her.

“Actually,” Xander stated before Spike nudged him in the ribs. “Uh, no. No celebrities around here. Sorry.” He snuck a look at Spike and smiled.

Dawn moved closer to hug each of them and then grinned wickedly when she pulled away from Spike. “I need a few copies of your autograph! My friends are gonna die! They want pictures, too!”

Spike nodded smugly. “Sure. I’ll sign for your chums.”

“No, the autographs aren’t for them… they’re for Ebay. Do you know how much you’re worth?!”

“Okay, okay… give ‘em some space,” Buffy interrupted. She turned to Spike and apologized, “Sorry. There’s something in the rules about obnoxious teenagers. I think there’s a handbook or something.”

At Dawn’s pout, Spike wrapped his arm around to squeeze her to him. “The bit can have anything she wants, luv.”

“Don’t spoil her Wil… Spike. God that’s strange.”

“Yeah! Spike!” Dawn butted in, “That’s so cool!”

Xander laughed and turned around. “C’mon, I’ll show you your rooms.”

*****

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Willow asked, lying sideways on the large air mattress set up beside the pool, her head resting against Xander’s stomach.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me,” he answered, brushing a strand of hair from her eyes.

“I have to worry. You’re still my best friend you know. I can’t believe you kept it to yourself and didn’t tell me.”

“I just, wasn’t ready to admit it to myself, much less anyone else.”

She looked away, watching Buffy and Dawn trying to dunk Spike under the water. “I get that. It was just a shitty thing to do though.”

“Sorry. But it all worked out okay… right? Not mad at me anymore?”

She smiled and shook her head. “Nope, not mad. Jealous maybe, but not mad.” She glanced around at house, the pool, the grounds surrounding them and said, “How did you get so lucky?! This place is amazing!”

“No, this place is nothing. You know, it’s true what they say about money not buying happiness,” he answered thoughtfully. “I was lucky I found Spike again. He's the only thing that matters. I've never felt anything like what I feel for him. I think it took being without him to realize how much I love him.”

“You guys do look pretty great together.” She smiled and moved around, scooting up until her body was even with his. “I’m just glad you’re happy, Xander. Both of you. You deserve it.” She leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

“Ah-ah, Red. Those lips are taken.”

She pulled away quickly and smiled, blushing when Spike kneeled down and then eased his way up Xander’s body, kissing him deeply.

“I think I’ll just… I’ll be over here,” she said, leaving the two men too wrapped up in each other to realize she was gone.

~*~

Spike tossed the used double-layered condom into the trashcan and eased back beside Xander, his breath returning to its normal, even keel.

“Today’s been perfect.”

Spike moved in closer, running his finger lightly along Xander’s naked thigh. “That it has, pet.”

Xander caught Spike’s hand and held it up next to his own, showing off the two matching gold bands adorning their fingers. “I can’t believe it really happened. It’s like, it should be happening to someone else.”

“No one else, Xan. Bloody well married now, aren’t we? All legal and proper.”

Xander smiled ear to ear and settled back further, pulling Spike’s body closer to his. “Thank you.”

Spike moved his leg over Xander’s, making sure his knee grazed against the semi-hardness of Xander’s cock before straddling his lover. “What are you thanking me for, pet?” He leaned down, a hand on each side of Xander’s head and latched onto red, kiss-swollen lips.

“For not letting me push you away again. For being stubborn enough to not take no for an answer.”

“Took a little nudging’s all.” And then there was another, deeper kiss, hard enough to pull a wanton moan from Xander’s lips. “You would have come around eventually, pet.”

“You think so, do you?” he answered with a playful grin.

Spike nodded. “We were meant for this.” He gripped Xander’s hands, entwining their fingers above the other man’s head, feeling the rub of his ring against Xander’s skin. “Just took us awhile to get here.”

Spike lowered his body, legs still straddling, his head resting against Xander’s chest.

“I love you, Wil.”

“Love you too, Xan.”

Xander closed his eyes and concentrated on the feel of Spike’s body against his.

“Better rest up, luv. Gonna bloody well shag you all night.”

Xander smiled and relaxed. “Promise?”

“Forever, luv. Forever.”

His voice carried that promise until they both fell asleep.

~*~

“Uh, Spike?”

“Yeah, pet?” Spike asked, looking up from where he was tying fake snowflakes together on a string.

“What are you doing?”

“What’s it look like I’m doing, ya git? Hanging decorations, aren’t I?”

“Well, I can see that. But… why? You don’t even like Christmas.”

Spike eyed Xander, leaning weak and wobbly against the frame of the door and frowned. “You shouldn’t be up, pet. Thought I told you to rest.”

“Got bored, heard you tinkering around out here.”

“Well get your bloody arse back in bed. Don’t need you exerting yourself.”

Xander rolled his eyes. “I’m fine.”

Spike returned his gaze with a stern look.

“Here, I’ll lay down on the couch, I’ll stay quiet and I’ll stay out of your way, okay?” He pushed his bottom lip into a curl and gave his best Xander pout.

Spike sighed heavily and gave in. Always gave in. Xander smiled in victory and made his way to the couch, pulling a red and green afghan over his lap. “See? This is me… relaxing.” His eyebrow rose as he glanced around the room at the various Christmasy objects. “So, what are you doing?”

“I told you. Decorating,” he answered, attaching the long strand of snowflakes to either side of the window.

“Snowflakes, Spike? It’s California.”

“Uh, huh,” he said, picking up a large aerosol can. He pulled the nozzle and began to spray the windows white.

“And snow?! What the fuck’s gotten into you?!” Xander screeched, sitting up straight in panic. “Where’s my Spike and what have you done with him?”

Spike turned, hands on his hips, annoyed. “I thought you said you’d be quiet.”

Xander turned his head, eyes wide and put his fingers to his lips, zipping them. Spike nodded and turned back around to continue adding the white fluff to the windows. Xander watched a while longer, but nestled down warm and comfortable, soon drifted off, his head resting on the arm of the couch.

***

“Xander.”

Xander pushed at whatever it was tickling his cheek and let out a breath in his sleep.

“Wake up, Xan. Time for eggnog.”

Xander registered the sound of Spike’s voice and shifted, lifting one sleepy lid open…and began to laugh.

Spike, topped with a red and white furry Santa hat was sitting beside him, glass in hand. Before he could say anything, Xander noticed the room. It was dark, with the exception of the Christmas lights wrapped around the large tree sitting in the corner, and the flashlight shining up on the wall, glowing on the torch of the… “Statue of Liberty?!”

Spike smiled. “Or hopefully some resemblance.”

Xander pushed the blanket aside and made his way around Spike, slowly moving toward the mural painted on the wall. There, in all its glory was Lady Liberty, surrounded by the skyline of the sparkling New York City skyscrapers.

“What the…how’d you? Why’d you do this?”

Spike eased up behind him, locking his arms around Xander’s stomach and rested his chin against Xander’s shoulder. “Since the doctor didn’t want you to travel, and I know how much you wanted to go back for Christmas, I just…brought it here to you.”

Xander couldn’t speak, instead staring silently, his eyes focused on the wall and the effort Spike had made for him. He blinked, pushing back threatening tears, until he finally turned around to face his partner, his lover…his heart.

“Merry Christmas, Xander.”

The tears finally began to flow as Xander drowned himself in the taste of Spike’s lips.

Eight years and counting…

~*~

Spike glanced down at the silver watch wrapped loosely around his wrist. A present Xander had given him on their third anniversary. “Their plane should be landing soon.”

Xander nodded. “Did you leave a key?”

“Under the mat.”

“They didn’t have to…”

“We’ve had this discussion, Xander. Of course they had to be here.”

Xander closed his eyes and settled back further onto the pillow. Spike sat, rubbing shallow circles against the top of Xander’s hand with his thumb. Soft and loving, just to assure him he was still there.

“I wonder if my mom’ll want to…”

“I’ll take care of it… call her.”

Xander let his gaze fall on their joined hands, resting against the white of the hospital blanket. “I doubt she’ll come. She couldn’t even accept that you and I were…”

“Shhh. Her loss, pet. Her fucking loss.”

“She would have loved you,” Xander whispered.

Spike placed his finger over Xander’s wedding band, unconsciously rubbing back and forth against the gold. Finally, Xander noticed and smiled. “I want you to keep it, okay?”

Spike’s finger stilled. “Hmm?”

“My ring. I don’t want it bur… I want you to keep it, to remind you…”

Spike felt the sting coating his eyes. “Yeah, whatever you want, Xan.”

Xander nodded. “That’s what I want. It’d just be a waste if…” he tapered off, not needing to finish, both knowing what he was going to say.

They were quiet, Spike trying to be strong for Xander, Xander just trying to be strong. But losing.

“But when it’s time, I want you to put it away.”

Blue eyes met dark brown.

“When you meet someone…”

“Xander.”

“No, Spike. It’s gonna happen.”

“No,” he answered bitterly, the hurt more than he could take.

Xander waited, trying to reel in his own feelings. The nagging thought of Spike with someone else, loving someone else. “I don’t want you to be alone.”

“I can’t…”

“Shhh, Spike. Don’t think about it now. Just remember, okay? Remember what I said.”

A tear slid down Spike’s cheek and he wiped it away, taking a deep breath, playing the part of holding it together. A true actor. “So you get to come home. A bit more comfortable than this sodding bed.”

Xander faked a small smile. “I don’t think they expect two people to be sleeping in it, Spike. Kinda what the cot’s for,” he added, gesturing toward the small, untouched cot in the corner of the room.

Spike eyed the monstrosity. “Don’t bloody think so, pet. I belong right here. Can’t sleep without you.” Too soon, they both realized the harsh reality of what he’d said. He would have to learn to do just that, after Xander was gone.

“It’ll be nice to be in our own bed. I guess they figure it won’t be long…”

Spike squeezed Xander’s hand as the pain was released and the sobs began to rack his body. “Xander…”

“I know, Spike. I know.” Xander ran his hand through the blond hair, pulling Spike down, cradling him as best he could. “I love you,” he murmured repeatedly, crying his own tears, watching them land a drop at a time against Spike’s skin.

“Spike?” he whispered. “I wanna go home.”

~*~

They buried Xander ten days later.

~*~

They enjoyed the time they had for one entire week once Xander came home from the hospital. It wasn’t enough, but it never is when you know what’s coming. They laughed together and held each other while they cried, spending every moment as if it was their last. Each time Xander closed his eyes, Spike felt the panic, knowing there wasn’t much time left.

Spike was there, holding his hand, his lips pressed against Xander’s forehead when he fell asleep for the last time. “I’m tired, Spike. Just need to rest for a bit,” the last words Spike heard from his lover.

********

“Miss you, Xan.”

Spike sat in the grass, his legs stretched out in front of him, Xander’s ring spinning mindlessly between his fingers. He read the writing on the stone for the thousandth time in three years. Alexander Lavelle Harris. Friend. Lover. Husband.

“Seems it’s supposed to get easier, least that’s what everyone tells me.” He brushed the dust from the top of the granite with one hand, still clutching the ring tight inside the other. “I guess it is, when I can stop thinking about you for one bloody second.”

A slight gust of wind shook the trees, causing Spike to shiver, his duster long gone, along with most of the reminders. Their memories were packed in boxes, stored away until one day, when Spike could open them up and see Xander’s face without the stabbing heartache ripping through him.

“You were right, pet. As always…” Spike smiled tenderly. “You said I’d go on. Never thought I’d be able to do it without you.” He paused, tracing the name etched on the gravestone with his finger. “A lot of things have happened, though. Dawn’s married, baby on the way... Doesn’t seem possible, does it? Willow’s engaged. And Buffy, well… nothing much changes there.”

He gripped the ring tighter.

“But I’m not here for small talk this time, pet. Have to tell you, so you’ll know… so it’ll feel right.” He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “See… I met someone.” He couldn’t help it and choked up a bit, his voice rough with grief. “Took me a long time, and now… I’m still not sure, but…” Spike had known it would be hard, forgoing the tissue in his back pocket, instead wiping his eyes on the back of his hand. “He’s a lot like you. Guess that’s why I found him. But it could never the same though, Xan. Cause we’re forever, right? Me and you.”

More tears came and they were full force, too many to stop. “Anyway, thought you’d wanna know. I’m gonna try, luv. I remembered what you told me and I’m gonna try.”

Spike glanced down, looking at Xander’s ring and then slid his own from his finger for the first time in eleven years. He held them together in his fist for a long time, staring at the ground where Xander’s body lay beneath him, until the sun set around him and his tears finally subsided. He stood up, brushed his jeans off and squeezed the gold bands together one last time. “I think it’s time, pet. I think I’ll be alright.” With reluctance, he placed them together on top of the stone and whispered, “I love you, Xander.” And he always would.

The end
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Two Hearts Lost