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Used	By : AlysonElizabeth Category: BtVS AU/AR > General Views: 1653 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Used

Author: Alyson Elizabeth

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Third season, with references to The Fluke (Willow and Xander�s kisses), The Zeppo, Consequences, The Prom

Summary: Xander�s tired of being used.

Warnings: Character death

Notes: This one is coming a little close to home ... I�m feeling a bit used right now, so what else would I do but put Xander in the same position, and then make it five times worse for him? *HEHEHEHEHE* I�m evil. (And I�m not in any way suicidal)

Pairing(s): None, with references to Buffy/Xander, Xander/Cordelia, Willow/Xander, Willow/Oz, Buffy/Angel, Xander/Faith, and Xander/Anya

I�m tired of being used.

Really, I should have come to this point years ago, I think, but I�ve always been a slow person. But there�s just a point that even I cannot go by without just giving up.

Used is such a dirty word.

I�m not sure exactly what it means. A part of me wants to give this whole thing up right now and call up Willow, just to have her look it up in a dictionary for me. God knows there�s not one in my house.

But then Willow would ask why, and a bunch of other difficult questions that I wouldn�t be able to answer.

Maybe I�d ask her what user means as well.

I should have realized what was happening when it started. Maybe then things would have turned out for the better. It all started that night, the night after Buffy had gotten back from her summer in LA with her dad after she had been killed. It had all begun with that dance. I don�t know if Buffy knew what she was doing at the time, but I think that she marked me that night. Marked me as someone who can be abused, tossed away, kicked out of the house as soon as you�re done with him.

She ruined me that night. She used me just to get back at Angel, to make him feel jealous. I don�t even remember why. All I know is that the next week, I went back to school, and it was all about Angel again.

Not a surprise, really.

And then it was Cordelia, although I think that she didn�t really mean to hurt me as much. I think she was just more disgusted with herself for being attracted to me.

Wait, no, she had an ulterior motive. How could I forget? It was just two days ago, when I had snuck into the girl�s locker room to tell Buffy about some new impending doom that Giles was going on about (and of course, the first place that *I* would check was the girl�s locker room) that I heard Harmony asking Cordelia about her stomach injury, and how that was getting along.

�I should�ve known better!� she had said. �I knew all along that they had a thing. I even told Willow ... what was it ... a month before it all happened that I was better than her, and that Xander would always love me more. Guess that all went down the drain huh? Oh well, it all worked out for the best, now that I don�t have loser on the brain 24/7.�

I think she just wanted to keep me away from Willow. Who knows? That little conversation did more than it�s fair share in the way of pain for me.

And you know, I do feel guilty for what I did to Cordy. But will she let me apologize? Never!

Calm down, Harris. I can�t get angry, because then I won�t do this.

And, while on the topic of Cordelia, let�s move on to Willow, shall we? Yeah, I was good enough for a private, shush shush kissy-thing, but as soon as Oz finds out ... she went and dumped everything she felt for me and went running back to him, tail between her legs. She didn�t even give me a chance to say anything! I don�t even think she knows that I�m in ... That I was in love with her.

But when I slept with Faith, it was suddenly a big deal. Like she�s going to keep her legs shut for Oz much longer, if she hasn�t already spread them?

GOD! I need to calm it. I can�t talk about Wills that way. She�s my best friend.

Calm.

But she did. She did act like the Faith thing was some huge mistake ... granted, it was ... but like it hurt her? She was with Oz! Did she expect me to remain the virgin Xander for the rest of my life, to have that taken away whenever she wanted to do it?

And Faith, that lovely Slayer, she gets a capital U in the �User� category. At least she didn�t put up any fronts that she loved me ... or even liked me. I was just a convenient guy there for her to have sex with. And I know ... I know that I�m turning into a girl as I say this, but I wanted my first time to be special, you know? I wanted it to mean something, to be with someone who would appreciate it.

Yeah, maybe I should�ve waited to Willow to get over Oz after all.

And now, I�ve had it.

Anya asked me to the prom today.

I can already see where that�s going to head.

Willow�s got Oz.

Buffy�s got Angel.

Faith�s even got the Mayor (although not in that way, I hope!).

I have demon Anya.

Except I don�t have her. I never will. And, to tell the truth, I don�t want her. I don�t want any of this.

Not anymore.

Because I�m tired of being used.

...

I think those pills are starting to kick in. Better go make sure that everything�s set up exactly how I want it. I never really liked my parents, but I don�t want them to walk in on their son laying dead on the floor, do I?

Laying in the bed will work just fine.

My vision�s starting to blur. I�ve got to move faster.

Notes for Willow, Buffy and Cordelia are laying on my desk. Hell, I even wrote one for Anya (Sorry, I�d love to go to prom with you, but I�ll be dead by then. I think you should ask someone else.).

Also, laying on my dresser is a note to Giles, explaining all of this to him. I know that there is no lost love between me and the librarian, but if anyone will want a solid reason for why I�m doing this, it�ll be him.

Lights are flashing in front of me, and if I hadn�t of just ran into the side of my bed, I doubt I�d of made it in time.

Laying down takes a lot out of me, which makes me somewhat happy. It�ll be over soon. I can feel my body shutting down, and it just makes me feel warm inside.

The lights get brighter, and soon all I can see is white.

I hope Willow handles this okay.

I hope Buffy manages to defeat the Mayor.

I hope that Cordy finally becomes a movie star.

The lights turn black.

And it�s finally over.

used: To take or consume; partake of

user: The exercise or enjoyment of a right or property.
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