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Production Problems	By : Cyberwulf Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Het - Male/Female > Willow/Xander Views: 3320 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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- 1-Production Problems
- 1
Title: Production Problems

Author: Cyberwulf

Rating: 18s (NC-17)

Summary: A W/X post-‘Grave’ PWP isn’t going quite according to plan…

Spoilers: Contains references to ‘Grave’ and the season six B/S romance.

Disclaimer: Joss owns all, except the plot. (No WAY would Whedon ever do this!)

Distribution: You want it, it’s yours, just tell me where it’s going.

Feedback: Feed the Wulf! cyberwulf_1andonly@yahoo.co.uk

Warning: Contains slash, a threesome, and ‘old people’ having sex.

Two naked bodies lay entwined on a bed. The redhead clung to the brunette, running her hands up and down his broad, strong back as he kissed and cuddled her. The dimly lit room was quiet except for their soft moans of pleasure and longing.

“ Oh, Xander…” Willow broke off and pulled away from him. “ You – you know that… that tonight is just…”

She trailed off. Xander frowned. Willow looked up at him expectantly. Xander’s frown deepened.

“ …Line?”

Willow sighed in exasperation. Xander leaned over and checked his place on a script on the bedside table. He mouthed the words a couple of times before getting back into position. He gazed into the eyes of his best friend.

“ I know,” he assured her. “ Don’t worry, Will. If this is what you need, I’m just happy to help.”

They resumed kissing. Xander moved so that he was on top of her. He grabbed her ankles and put them up on his shoulder, dragging her along the sheet as he did so.

“ Ow! Hey!” Willow protested. “ What’re you doing??”

“ I’m just following the script!” Xander replied defensively.

“ What?” Willow slid her legs off Xander and sat on the edge of the bed. “ Lemme see that.” She picked up the script and read through it.

“ See?” Xander declared, pointing at the page. Willow’s face scrunched in disbelief.

“ What the heck-” She shook her head. “ That CAN’T be right!”

“ All right, all right, cut!” Clad in his duster, boots and an obscenely tight black thong, Spike strode onto the set. “ What’s the problem?”

“ This script, it doesn’t make sense,” Willow replied. “ Here, see for yourself.” She handed the pages to him. Spike squinted at the paper.

“ Can’t see a thing,” he muttered. He raised his voice. “ Well come on, bring up the lights!”

The studio was suddenly illuminated. Xander and Willow closed their eyes at the sudden brightness. Spike scanned through the script.

“ Doesn’t seem too hard,” he said to himself. Strange, snuffly, kissy noises caught his attention and he turned around. In what was formerly the darkest corner of the set, a couple was making out rather passionately against the wall.

“ Bloody he- have they been there all this time?” he asked in disbelief. “ Oi!” He crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it across the room. “ Rupert! Pack it in, will ya?”

Giles broke away from his partner and turned slightly. He blushed and cleared his throat.

“ Oh – er – we, we were just rehearsing,” he stuttered, holding the top of his blue shirt closed.

“ Yes, rehearsing,” Ethan agreed, patting his hair back into place.

“ Yeah. Sure,” Spike replied testily. “ Well, since you’re here, you can come an’ help us out.” He turned back to Willow and Xander. “ Right then. ‘Xander put Willow’s feet on his shoulder…’ ” He looked at the pair, still sitting on the bed. “ Well, go on then!”

Xander knelt down on the bed and put both of Willow’s ankles on his right shoulder. He shifted about a bit, then looked at Spike.

“ Naw, that’s gotta be a misprint,” he said. “ See, if I’ve got both Will’s feet on ONE shoulder, then her legs are together and I can’t…”

“ Okay, shoulders, then,” Spike replied. He took out a ballpoint pen and made a correction to the script. Xander rearranged Willow’s legs.

“ Hey, Spike!”

Spike turned and scowled as Angel and Buffy, in matching ‘his ’n’ hers’ dressing gowns, came on the set.

“ What now?” the vampire director asked irritably.

“ Are you gonna need us tonight or can we go?” Buffy asked.

“ It’s just that I’ve got cookery class at eight,” Angel added. Spike rolled his eyes.

“ No-one’s goin’ anywhere till we get this sorted out,” he answered, jerking his thumb at Willow and Xander.

“ Uh, guys,” Xander said nervously. “ This still isn’t right.”

Angel took a look.

“ Turn her over,” he suggested. Xander sighed, took Willow’s feet off his shoulders, rolled her so that she was lying on her stomach, and put her feet back on his shoulders.

“ Okay,” he said. He paused, puzzled. “ Now what?”

“ What do you think?” Angel asked. “ Get on with it!”

Xander nodded… then frowned. “ How?” he asked, glaring at Angel. “ I’m too far away! I don’t care what that script says, I’m not a horse!”

Buffy took the script from Spike and examined it. “ Oh no, is this some weird Kama Sutra position?” She looked around at the couple on the bed. “ Xander, try standing up.”

With a sigh, Xander slowly rose to a standing position. Willow was now doing a strange, slanted handstand, her feet still on Xander’s shoulders.

“ How’s that?” Buffy asked.

Xander shook his head.

“ Totally the wrong angle,” he declared.

“ And for post-Grave comfort sex, this isn’t very comfy,” Willow added.

Ethan peered over Buffy’s shoulder at the script.

“ Is it a case of rear entry at all?” he asked. Behind him, Giles moaned and started kissing his neck. Ethan turned and put his arms around him. The Watcher and the warlock locked lips, eliciting yelps of disgust from those around them.

“ Can’t you randy old gits restrain yourselves for five minutes?!” Spike shouted. Giles stopped kissing Ethan and glared at the blonde vampire.

“ Look, it’s all very well for YOU,” he growled. “ You spent most of this season shagging Buffy!”

“ Wha- I-” Angel stared at Buffy in wounded surprise.

“ We’ll talk about it later, honey,” Buffy promised awkwardly, patting his hand.

Giles continued. “ It’s been YEARS since some of us got so much as a kiss and a cuddle!” Ethan nuzzled Giles under his ear. Giles stroked the sorcerer’s head. “ So pardon me if I’m a little… anxious.”

“ My wrists are falling asleep,” Willow announced. “ Can we try something else?”

“ Yeah, all right,” Spike said wearily. “ Kneel back down, mate,” he told Xander.

Ethan pulled a little bit away from Giles and turned to Buffy. “ You didn’t answer my question,” he said. “ Is he supposed to give it to her up the arse, or not?”

“ God, Ethan,” Giles groaned. “ If you mention arse one more time I swear I’m going to-”

Ethan kissed him to shut him up. Giles squeezed Ethan’s butt, and the pair of them collapsed on the floor, kissing and groping. Spike rolled his eyes.

“ Can we get a bucket of water in here?” he called impatiently. Buffy perused the script.

“ It goes on and on about Willow’s ‘hot, wet, tight pussy’,” she declared. “ So that’s a ‘no’ on the ass thing.” Something across the room caught her eye and she looked up. “ Oh God.” She turned away, red with embarrassment. “Oh God, what’s she doing here?”

“ Who?” Spike asked. He looked round. “ Joyce! Thank fuck. Can you help us out, luv?”

“ Sure, Spike,” Joyce replied. She sashayed over to the bed, dressed in high leather boots, fishnets, a leather basque, and elbow-length gloves. Buffy covered her face with her hands.

“ Of all the moms in the universe…” she moaned. Joyce ignored her, took the script and read down through it.

“ You’ve got the poor girl on her stomach when she should be on her back,” she admonished. “ Whose idea was that?”

Angel shamefacedly raised his hand. Joyce shook her head, smiling. Xander rolled Willow over and put her feet back on his shoulders.

“ Now, move closer and slide her legs over your shoulders and down your back,” Joyce declared. Xander obeyed, ending up on top of and face-to-face with Willow.

“ Hey!” he said in surprise. “ Yeah, that’s it.”

“ I still say this isn’t very comfortable,” Willow protested. “ My knees are touching my ears!”

“ Shut up, Red,” Spike replied. “ Point is, it’s sorted. Joyce luv,” he kissed her hand, “thank you. Now,” he jerked a thumb at the two guys pawing each other on the ground, “can you get those berks off my set?”

“ Leave it to me,” Joyce told him. She drew a riding crop from her boot and brought it down sharply across Giles’ denim-clad backside. He yelped rol rolled off Ethan. The pair scrambled up, Ethan holding his black slacks closed.

“ Oh boys,” Joyce said in a sultry, breathy voice. “ Want to have some real fun?”

They gazed at her in apprehension. Joyce reached into her basque and drew a folded script from her ample cleavage. Giles gulped and his hand found Ethan’s.

“ I…is that…” he stammered.

“ The one about Mistress Whiplash’s School for Very, Very Naughty Boys,” Joyce drawled seductively. Ethan realised he was drooling slightly and quickly wiped his mouth. “ I’ll be downstairs if you’re interested,” Joyce continued. She turned and walked away, swinging her hips.

Giles looked at Ethan. Ethan looked at Giles. Then they both ran after her.

“ Thank you,” Spike sighed impatiently. “ Now Peaches, take Goldilocks and get off the stage.” Angel pulled Buffy, who had her hands over her ears and was babbling incoherently about therapy, off to the dressing rooms. Spike took a last look at the script.

“ Bloody virgin writers, I don’t know,” he muttered as he strode away from the bed. “ Lights down!” Darkness fell, and the lights were dimmed on the set. Spike settled himself in the director’s chair. “ Action!”

Xander stared at Willow. Willow looked up at him and nodded. Xander gulped and started to sweat.

“ C’mon, Xander,” Willow whispered. “ Make love to me.”

“ I…I can’t,” Xander stammered. “ We spent so long figuring out how to do it that now I, uh, I kinda…” He glanced down at himself. “…don’t wanna do it any more…”

“ CUT!” Spike banged his chair back in frustration. “ That’s it! I’ll be in my trailer with the groupies.” His boots rang on the floor as he stomped off. Xander disentangled himself from Willow and sat disconsolately on the bed. Willow sighed, and slid up to him.

“ Oh, Xander, it’s okay,” she murmured, stroking his hair. “ We’ll try again later.” She rubbed his tummy.

“ Thanks, Willow,” Xander replied, snaking an arm around her. Willow kissed his neck. Xander turned slightly and started to kiss her too. Willow cuddled into him, nuzzling his chest, and Xander groaned a little. He pulled away and looked down at himself.

“ Hey, that’s done it!” he said excitedly. “ Let’s go!”

Willow grinned as he pulled her legs up on his shoulders. Xander leaned down and kissed her, then prepared to enter her…

The crack of a whip cut through the air.

“ Bad puppy!” Joyce barked from downstairs. Yelps of pain and pleasure floated up to the floor above.

Xander and Willow grimaced.

“ On second thoughts, let’s just go get some ice cream.”

The End

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Production Problems