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To Live Again	By : moosesal Category: AtS/BtVS Crossovers > Threesomes/Moresomes Views: 2326 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own AtS or BtVS. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
Authors note: This story originally appeared on fanfiction.net in the summer of 2002 before they changed their policy regarding NC-17 fic. I hope to finish it now that I'm finally reposting it.

Chapter 1 -- To Live

Spike rode his bike through downtown L.A. heading for the Hyperion. He wasn't sure how Angel would receive him, but he had nowhere left to go. He'd been unable to face Buffy when he returned from Africa. He couldn't even tell her he had a soul. He imagined she would want nothing to do with him and he couldn't blame her after everything he had done before leaving town.

The demon population was no better. It was bad enough that he had helped the Slayer kill his own kind; with a soul they had one more reason to shun him. He was alone.

He tried contacting Dru in Brazil, but evidently she was still upset about him choosing Buffy. Never mind the fact that she was the one who cheated on him in the first place. The only family he had left was his pseudo-Sire, Angel. After the way he had treated Angel a few years back, he wasn't sure how welcome he would be but he could see no other alternative. Besides, maybe Angel could help him adjust to having this bleeding soul. It should be a familiar process for him, having been through it a couple of times, himself. The pain was becoming more than Spike could bare. As he pulled up in front of the hotel, he took a deep breath and prepared himself for the worst--a stake through the heart. *But then that wouldn't be so bad, would it? At least the pain would be over.*

~*~

"Stop worrying about me Cordy. I'm fine. I'm tired and a little weak, but I'm fine. I'll be better in a few weeks. I'll get my strength back, don't worry."

"I can't help it, Angel. You're thin and pale and you look like hell," Cordy replied. "I'm sorry, but it's true."

"Cordy... I'm dead. Remember? I'm not supposed to look healthy and alive. I'm a vampire. I can't go outside and get a tan. And in a few weeks I'll fill out, I won't be so thin anymore." Angel was exasperated. He and Cordelia had had this conversation a billion times since he'd been recovered from his "burial at sea." It had only been a week, what did she expect -- a miracle? He was a vampire who had fathered a child-- he'd used his miracle. He knew he'd get better faster if he chose to feed from humans, but that wasn't something he could do. It would take longer, but he'd heal eventually. She'd bought some human blood for him, and it was helping. They just had to be patient.

While he was thinking about how he could reassure Cordy that everything would be better, he sensed someone standing behind him. He looked up and saw that Cordy was staring over his shoulder, her mouth open as if she were about to say something, but for once words were slow to come. *Must be serious to render Cordy speechless.*

"Umm...Angel?..."

Angel slowly turned around to face whatever stood behind him. He thought he was prepared for the worst, but nothing could have prepared him for the sight before him. His childe, Spike, was standing in the doorway looking ... well, frightened, if that were possible.

"Spike?"

"Sire," mumbled Spike. "May I have a word?"

"What are you doing here?" Angel knew there had to be a reason. Spike hated him. There was no way he'd come here if he weren't after something. Angel figured it was best to be cautious, especially after his last visit to L.A.

"I need your help... Sire." Spike looked at the floor as he spoke and seemed a bit fidgety. He reminded Angel of William decades before -- in a London alley, just before Dru turned him.

*What's going on? What's with the "Sire" stuff? Spike hasn't considered me his sire since I got my soul and left years ago.* Angel turned to Cordelia and hesitated before speaking. "Cordy... um...I think we're done for the evening. If you want to call it a night and go, that would be fine."

"And leave you with him? Are you kidding? The last time he was here he tried to kill you Angel! Am I the only person in the room with a brain?"

Cordy and Angel turned back to Spike as they heard him mumble something. Angel was pretty sure he understood what was said, but wanted to be sure. "What did you say, Spike?"

"Said, m'not gonna kill you. Can't. You're all I got left."

Angel could see that Spike was shaking. The tremors were too slight for Cordelia to notice, but she did see the tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

Her demon senses did pick up on the pain he was in and decided to do as Angel had asked. If Angel wanted her to leave, wou would, but she'd be back in the morning. She turned to Angel and nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow. Call me if you need anything?"

"Yeah, of course. I'll see you tomorrow, Cordy."

Cordelia looked curiously at Spike as she walked past him and out the door. There was something different about him. Different from the usual vamp vibes. Spike didn't even see her pass, as he continued to stare at the floor. As soon as he heard the door close behind her, he collapsed to the floor and allowed the tears to run freely down his face.

"Spike?" Angel rushed to his childe's side. He grabbed Spike's chin and forced him to look up at him. It was in that instant that he knew. "You have a soul." Not a question. A statement. He could see it so clearly in his childe's eyes. "How? How is this possible?"

Spike just curled into Angel's body and continued to weep. Angel lifted his childe and carried him to his suite. He laid Spike on the sofa and held him, rocking him to sleep. Once Spike was asleep, Angel rose and went to his room, crawled into bed, and wondered how Spike could have become ensouled and what to do about it when they awoke. He drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face. His childe had come home. Had come to him in his time of need.

~*~

"No...no...I'm sorry...please...I'm sorry...Buffy!" Spike was talking in his sleep and rocking side-to-side. His murmurs drew Angel out of slumber and to his side.

"Spike. Spike, wake up! You're having a bad dream." He sensed Spike beginning to awaken, "It's just a dream, childe. No one's going to hurt you. You're safe here."

"Angel?" Spike opened his eyes and looked at his sire. "Help me, Angel. I can't take this anymore. Please, help me?

"Anything, childe. What do you need?" Angel was willing to do anything to help Spike. He couldn't bare to see the pain in his childe's eyes, knowing how difficult it be. be. After all, he had felt this himself.

"Stake me," whispered Spike. "Please, Angel, put me out of my misery."

"No." Angel's reply was firm, that was one thing he would not do. "No, Spike. Anything else, consider it done, but I won't kill you."

"It hurts. It hurts so much."

"I know, but it will get easier. I promise."

"I can't do it."

"Yes, you can. Spike ... look at me." Spike looked up at Angel as he spoke, "You're the strongest vampire I've ever met. You've dealt with tough times before. You can survive this. You can survive anything you put your mind to."

"I'm not much of a vampire anymore. Between the chip and the soul ... I'm a joke, Angel. I can't bite anyone and even if I could, I don't even enjoy thinking about feeding anymore. What's the point in living if the whole point of my existence has been stripped away?" Spike closed his eyes in defeat.

Angel picked him up and carried him into the bedroom. He undressed Spike and put him to bed. Angel crawled in and curled up behind his childe, pulling their bodies close together. He slowly ran his fingers through Spike's hair, lulling him to sleep. "Shh. Sleep my childe. It will be better tomorrow." He kissed Spike's neck and listened to him purring as he drifted back to sleep. *What am I going to do with you, childe?*

~*~

Angel awoke the next afternoon alone in bed. For a moment he forgot that Spike had been there. With the realization that his childe was missing, he jumped from the bed. He could hear the faint sound of crying coming from the bathroom; it was muffled by the sound of the shower. He opened the bathroom door to see the silhouette of his childe sitting on the shower floor crying as water poured down over his back.

Angel had never seen Spike like this. He was torn between comforting his childe and allowing him some privacy. Unable to resist helping Spike, Angel reached out and pulled the shower curtain back. Unfortunately, Spike hadn't realized Angel was in the room.
"Jesus, Angel! If my heart were beating, it would have stopped. Give a bloke a warning, will ya? You scared me half to life. D'you always go sneaking up on your guests while they're in the shower?"

*Shit, wrong choice.* Angel let go of the curtain. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I'll leave you. I didn't mean to startle you, I was just worried. I woke up and you were gone and then I could hear you crying. I thought I might be able to help, but I'll just go.

"No. I'm sorry, I don't want you to go." Spike was peaking around the curtain with a look in his eyes that said 'Stay'. "You could join me ... if you want. Scrub me back for me?"

"Umm... sure." Angel se a b a bit nervous as he stepped into the shower behind Spike. The sight of his childe's beautiful body had him immediately feeling aroused, but Angel didn't think this was the right time to even think about sex. Spike was dealing with enough emotional crap as it was, without having to deal with his sire forcing himself on him. As a childe, it was Spike's duty to yield to whatever hire ire demanded, but Angel was not going to take advantage at a time like this. He willed himself to calm down and reached for the soap.

Angel sat down in the tub behind Spike and as ran his hands along his back he realized just how thin his childe was. Spike had always been a bit emaciated (one of the side effects of being turned in the nineteenth century) but now he looked like he hadn't been feeding at all. "Spike?"

"Yeah, luv?" Angel smiled at Spike's endearment.

"Have you been eating?"

"What's wrong? You don't like my lithe, slender form? You're not exactly looking like your usual self either, Angel."

"Yeah, well I just spent a few months in a box at the bottom of the ocean. What's your excuse?" Angel hoped that the joking tone he was attempting would lighten the mood and get Spike to open up and tell him the events that had transpired and left him with a soul.

"Well, you know I can't feed properly 'cause of the chip. And it's kinda hard to get to a butcher when your in the desert .... in Africa ... facing a demon's trials." Spike's voice got softer with each bit of information he revealed.

"What?" Angel stopped washing Spike's back and turned his childe to face him. "What are you saying? You went to some demon and _asked_ for a soul?"

"Please. Like I wanted to become a silly old poof like you." Spike hesitated and then he mumbled, "I wanted to be like I was before."

"Before what?" Angel was confused.

"Well, see, that's the problem. You know how deceptive demons can be." Spike's sarcasm was back in force. "I kinda forgot to specify. I thought I wanted to get the chip out, but evidently the demon thought otherwise. So I goI got old William's soul."

"And the chip?"

"Yeah, ain't that the kicker. The damn thing's still in there, still works. So now, I not only can't feed on people, but I don't want to either."

"Well, surely that makes it easier, then."

"Are you kidding? What I want is to be whole again, Angel. I want to not feel bad about wanting to bite people. I want to _be able_ to bite people. I want to be able to feed on living people."

"Would you, Spike? Would you, if you could?"

"Well ... no, but that's beside the point. I'd still be _able_ to do it and I'd be able to defend myself."

"And why wouldn't you feed?"

"Because of Buffy. I love her, and it would hurt her too much."

Angel had heard about Spike being in love with Buffy. "Have you seen her? Since you've been back, I mean?"

"No. After what happened before I left ... I can't bare to face her." Angel could sense the shame in Spike's voice.

"What do you mean? After _what_ happened? Spike. What did you do to her? What did you do to Buffy?"

Spike held back nothing as he told Angel how he felt when Buffy died and everything that had happened since. As Spike reached his retelling of almost raping Buffy in her bathroom, he pulled away from Angel in fear.

Angel could smell Spike's fear and stifled the urge to hit him for attacking Buffy, instead he pulled Spike to his chest, holding him and lending the the strength to finish his tale. As much as he hated to see his former love harmed, he understood what led Spike to his actions. Truth be told, he was impressed that Spike had restrained himself in the end. He knew how hard that must have been, since Buffy was the one human Spike could actually harm. Instead of lashing out at Spike, Angel held him tighter and let him finish his story.

"And when I got back to Sunnydale, I realized that I couldn't face her -- it just hurt too much. And the crypt holds so many memories of our nights together -- her letting me touch her, to know her if only for a few moments. But it also reminds me of all the times she said she didn't love me, that she could never love me. I couldn't stay there." Spike paused for a moment and then mumbled, "You're all I have now, Angel."

"What about Dru?"

Spike snorted. "Dru? Are you kidding me? Dru hates me for having loved Buffy. The last time I saw her -- well, let's just say I ended up having _three_ women wanting to stake me."

"Three?"

"Buffy, Dru, ... and Harmony." The last name was spoken so softly that Angel wasn't sure he'd heard correctly.

"Harmony? Oh, God. Please tell you weren't in love with her."

"Oh please, give me _some_ credit. She was good fuck for a while, but that was all. After Dru left me in Brazil, I was lonely. I needed someone in my bed. Harm did the trick for a while. But she was so fucking annoying. And then I got my chip and even _she_ thought I was joke."

Angel snickered at that. "She came here a while back -- to see Cordelia. We couldn't wait for to lto leave. I can't believe you slept with her." Angel couldn't stop smiling at the thought of Spike and Harmony. Spike never had much patience she she annoyed Angel, he couldn't imagine how Spike restrained himself from staking the dumb blonde.

"I was going through a rough time. I was alone. You know how I hate to be alone. I need people around me." Spiked paused for a moment, collecting himself. "And now ... with these memories in my head, with the soul weighing down on me ... I can't bear to be alone. Angel?"

"Yeah, Spike?"

"After what I did to you the last time I was here? ... Are you going to send me away ... or punish me ... or ... kill me?"

"Spike -- like I said last night, I'm not gonna kill you, not even if you beg me to." Angel took a deep breath and sorted his thoughts. "I must admit it's hard to forget what you did to me, but circumstances are different now. Hell, after all the things I did to you when I was Angelus, I probably deserved a bit of torture in return. I'm willing to forgive what happened and more forward, if you are." Angel paused again and as Spike started to speak, Angel placed his fingertip on his childe's lip.

"Wait," said Angel, "I'm not finished. You're my childe, Spike. I could never turn you away when you've come to me asking for help. We're blood. I love you. Stay with me as long as you want. I'm here for you -- always."

Tears flowed down Spike's face as he turned into Angel's embrace. Angel held him close and placed soft kisses on his forehead.
Spike look up into Angel's eyes and asked, "Did you really mean that?"

Angel knew what Spike was really asking. "Every word. _I love you, Spike._ I'm not going to turn my back on you." He kept his eyes locked on Spike's as he leaned forward and gently kissed his childe's lips.

Spike deepened the kiss in return and ran his fingers through Angel's hair. He could smell his sire's arousal and feel him hardening against his leg. And then suddenly the moment was over as they both jumped up shrieking. The once warm water had turned ice cold.

Spike reached for the faucet and turned off the water as Angel grabbed towels for them both. "Well, that certainly killed the mood," Spike grinned. "Got any blood in the fridge? As you noticed earlier, I'm a bit malnourished."

Angel inwardly groaned at the lost connection to his childe. _Perhaps later we can pick things up where we left off._ "Yeah, there's some pig's blood in there ... and I think there may be one or two pints of human blood left as well." Spike's eyebrows shot up at the thought of human blood. In response to the unasked question, Angel explained, "Cordy got it when they pulled me out of the ocean. She's been force feeding me the stuff to help me recoup faster."

"Nice woman. You and she ... together?" Spike asked hesitantly. He knew the girl didn't like him after the whole Gem or Amarra debacle. If she and Angel were an item, he knew his presence was going to cause trouble.

"Together?" Angel seemed a bit hesitant himself. "No."

Both were silent as Angel pulled on a pair of sweatpants and tossed a pair to Spike. "Here, I didn't see you come in with any bags, so I'm guessing you came with nothing other than the clothes on your back. Right?"

"Umm...yeah. Thanks."

"No problem. They'll probably be a bit big on you, but we'll get you some stuff later." Angel paused. "That is... if you're staying. You are staying, right?" Angel had a hopeful look on his face.

Spike smiled slightly. "Yeah, I'm staying. Until you get fed up and kick me out, anyway. I figure I'm safe for a day or two." He grinned at his sire.

Angel just grinned in response and motioned for Spike to follow him to the kitchen. "So, you asked about me and Cordy... no, we aren't together." Angel handed Spike two bags of human blood and pointed to the microwave. He opened the cupboard and pulled out a pair of clean mugs and began to try to explain just what was going on between he and his seer.

"She's been here with me from the beginning. She gets the visions from the Powers -- when Doyle died, he passed his visions on to Cordy." He looked up at Spike, who nodded that he understood what Angel was talking about. "Anyway... this last year we grew closer. She helped me with Connor -- my son -- and for a while I thought we were going somewhere, but things are just weird now that she joined the PTB and then came back and pulled me out of that damned box." Angel's voice trailed off as he stared at the mug of blood Spike handed to him.

They stood silently sipping their blood for a moment, until Spike finally asked what he was dying to know. "You have a son? Is Cordelia his mother? I can't believe I thought I was the only one who got fucked with last year." Spike grinned again. "And what do you mean she 'joined' the PTB? Does that mean she's ... not human anymore?"

Angel and Spike drank their blood while Angel explained everything that had happened with Darla and Connor and Wesley and Holtz. How Cordy had become part demon and eventually ascended to join the Powers.ke jke just stared at him in disbelief. "Well, no wonder you didn't seem so surprised to see me with my bright and shiny new soul."

"I wouldn't say I wasn't surprised -- I also wouldn't say that your soul could ever be bright and shiny after the last 100 years -- but, I guess I know now that anything is possible. Anything at all." Angel smiled at Spike who shyly smiled back.

"Angel?"

"Yeah, Spike?"

"Two questions." Pause. "First, will you call me Will? It hurts too much right now to think of myself as Spike -- all the things I did -- I'd just like to be Will again. You used to call me Will when we were ... together."

Angel could tell that Spike, or rather Will, was a bit uncertain about what his place would be here in Angel's home and in his life. "Of course, Will. I understand the power a name can hold. I don't exactly go around introducing myself as Angelus these days. What's your other question?"

"I know you said I could stay ... but...did you mean here at the hotel," Will took a deep breath and looked up into Angel's eyes, "or _here_ with _you,_ in your room ... in your ... bed?" Angel could see that Will was afraid he was about to be rejected.

"Where do you _want_ to be, Will? I would like nothing more than to have you beside me in my bed, to have you around me in my everyday life, but you can have your own room if you want. I'm sure you'll want some privacy at times. The choice is yours, just know that you are welcome and that I'd love to crawl into bed next to you each morning." Angel grinned at the memories of sex with his childe, but knew that Will might not be as interested in rekindling their past as he was. After all, Will was still in love Buffy.

"Can I have a separate room to put my things in and to retreat to when I need to be alone, but stay here with you to live and sleep?" Will sounded as though he expected Angel to say no, despite everything Angel had just told him.

Angel stepped forward and wrapped Will in his arms. "That would be fine. I think the room across the hall would suit you, we can check it out later. For now ... why don't we go upstairs and let everyone know that you're moving in. I don't want anyone trying to stake you because they don't know who you are ... or worse yet, because they _do_ know." That said, Angel took Will's hand in his and guided them to the lobby to meet the crazy group that was not only Angel Investigations, but had become Angel's family. *My childe has come back to me. If only Wesley were here, too.*
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To Live Again