My Favorite Spike

(Insomnia is a bitch, and this is the sort of thing
it produces)

Title: My Favorite Spike
Author: Pattyanne
Disclaimer: I make no profits from this story

Summary: With all those incarnations of
Spike running around loose in my head,
I can't decide which of them I love the most.




Characters:
Spike: Caught Between Two Lovers (CBTL)
William St. James: Acting The Part (ATP)
Spike Devlin: Blue Eyed Devil (BED)
William McAllister: Love's A Funny Thing (LAFT)
William Cathcart: Reflection of Love (ROL)
William Darlington: Sweet Sixteen (SS)

********************************


(Curtain rises)

Spike (CBTL) is sitting in a beautifully furnished
waiting room. Door opens, and in walks Devlin.(BED)

Spike: What the hell are YOU doing here?

Devlin: Could ask you the same, I suppose. She's
doing me today.

Spike: Like hell, she is! I've been waiting over a
month!

Devlin: Can I help it if she likes me better?

Spike: You're dreaming, songboy. Go play with your
guitar.

Devlin: See, that's why she likes me better. You're
fucking rude!


(Door opens and in walks William St. James (ATP)


Spike and Devlin: (Glaring) What do YOU want?

St. James: Someone said she was doing me today.

Spike: Look, you're both mistaken. Get lost.

St. James: Up yours.

(They all three sit in hostile silence.)

Devlin: I'm her favorite, you know.

Spike: You been standing too close to those amplifiers,
mate. I'M her favorite. Everyone knows that.

St. James: Beg to differ. You seen the amount of
feedback she gets on me?

Spike: (Sneers) Whoopee shit. That just means people
like the story line, not that you're her favorite. And it's
not because of YOU, anyway. It's cause of the kid.

Devlin: I'd like to say one thing. 31,598 hits at AFF. And
that's just at one site.

Spike: And your point?

Devlin: (Smugly) The numbers don't lie.

St. James: Well, don't get too comfortable in first place. I'm
not far behind.

Spike: How many hits YOU got?

St. James: 24,306. Just at one site. You?

Spike: 13,997. But after all, I'm a vamp. Can't get about
in the day.

Devlin: What's THAT got to do with it?


(The door opens and in walks William Darlington (SS)

Spike: Haven't seen YOU around for a while.

Darlington: (Shrugging) Writer's block.

Devlin: Who's THIS one?

Spike: From Sweet Sixteen. Coming of age thing.

Devlin: (Snickering) Robbing the cradle a bit, is she?

Darlington: What do you mean by that?

Devlin: You're just a kid.

Darlington: Not for much longer.

Spike: You mean you haven't....?

Darlington: Like I'd discuss that with YOU!

Devlin: (Knowingly) He hasn't.


(A light knock at the door.)

All the 'Spikes': WHAT?

(The door opens. William Cathcart (ROL) sticks his head
in.)

Cathcart: Oh, good evening. I'm not sure I'm in the right
place.

Spike: You've got to be joking.

Devlin: Look around the room.

St. James: See any familiar faces?

Cathcart: Is sarcasm really necessary?

Spike: Sometimes, yeah. Sit down and take a load
off, poet.

St. James: He's a poet?

Spike: You COULD call him that. If you were feeling
gous.ous.

Cathcart: I BEG your pardon!?

Spike: He sucks. And not the way I do.

Cathcart: I suppose YOU could do better?

Spike: (Smirking) I could hardly do worse.

Cathcart: In that case, I challenge you, sir!

Spike: What, you mean NOW?

Cathcart: This instant.

Spike: Right, then. 'There was a young girl from
Nantucket, who'd rather chew....'

Cathcart: Never mind!

Spike: But there are three more stanzas.

Cathcart: Pray keep them to yourself. You are crude,
and coarse, and quite unacceptable in civilized society.

Spike: (To Devlin, sotto voce) I knew THIS one was a
mistake as soon as she started it. I mean, really, who in
the world would be interested in reading about some
Victorian mama's boy?

Cathcart: You must be the pedophile everyone's been
talking about.

Spike: Watch, it mate! She gets real pissed off when she
hears that kind of crap. Keep it up and you're liable to
find yourself in the abandoned storyline bin.

Cathcart: (Offended) She would NEVER do such a thing!
She's far too devoted to me.

Devlin: (Laughing) To YOU? You've got, what? Six
chapters? And you haven't 'DONE IT' yet?

Cathcart: Well, that's hardly MY fault, now is it? I
didn't ASK for a magic mirror!


(The door opens, and it's William McAllister (LAFT)

McAllister: I see I've come to the right place.

Devlin: What, ANOTHER one? Is she completely
off her rocker?

Spike: People are starting to think so.

St. James: Well, what's HIS story, anyway?

Spike: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Devlin: What's THAT mean?

Spike: Means she has a little too much free time on
her hands. (With a sly grin, he looks from one to the
other) So, um...how's the sex over in YOUR neck of the
site?

Devlin: Fantastic! Hows about yours?

Spike: Best I've ever had.

St. James: Yeah, for me, too. It's amazing.

Cathcart: I'm sure it will be wonderfully tender, but
deeply passionate.

Darlington: I'm working on it, I'm working on it.

(They all look at McAllister for his contribution)

McAllister: Oh, I just got here.

Spike: No worries, mate. Our girl won't let you down.

St. James: Listen, I don't get it. She can't be doing
all of us today, right?

Spike: Right.

St. James: Then why did she bring us all here?

McAllister: I know that answer.

Darlington: How?

McAllister: She told me.

Devlin: Okay, then tell US. What's she planning on
doing with all of us at the same time?

McAllister: Research.

(Long pause)

All of them: Ohhh...

(The door opens and in walks Wild Billy **, in full
cowboy regalia, including spurs)

Devlin: Oh, great. We may as well go home.

Spike: What the fuck are YOU doing here? You're not
one of her's.

Wild Billy: Got loaned out for the day, on account of
my girl's a bit under the weather.

(On the other side of the room, a door opens to reveal
a receptionist with a perky smile

Receptionist: She'll see you now.

Devlin: Which one of us?

Receptionist: ALL of you!


(Curtain down)


** (Wild Billy appears courtesy of Vamptastica, even
though I didn't actually tell her about it ahead of time.
He's here cuz I loooooovvve him)