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Identity Crisis	By : Rivulet027 Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Slash - Male/Male > Andrew/Warren Views: 1331 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Identity Crisis
- 1
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Buffy, Star Trek, Star
Wars, X-men, Harry Potter, JLA or James Bond.

Spoilers: Everything up to the end of Season 7, I didn�t see Season 5
of Angel so I have no idea about any to do with Andrew in that season
until it comes out on DVD, sorry.

Warning: This is a Andrew/Xander piece but also mentions
Andrew/Warren, which, of course, makes this male slash, if you don�t
like slash please feel free not to read this fic.

Note: This idea for Andrew has been playing with me for a few
months, I thought it might be a good explanation for why everyone
seemed to only remember him as Tucker�s brother. I was going to
something longer but when I actually sat down to write it, it came
out as a one piece. I hope you like it. Reviews and flames are
welcome.
Andrew:
He doesn�t know who he is.

The truth comes to him slowly, and it�s like waking from a dream in
mid-morning, one that holds you and doesn�t let go. His life is a
lie.

His memories are twisted, tangled and he�s never really let himself
sit and think about it too long. The explanation was always
there. He�s Tuckers brother, he�s never been anything more.

Andrew Welles, Tucker�s brother.

He remembers the confused looks his parents would sometimes give
him, as if they didn�t quite understand where he�d come from. Stories
and memories of his childhood always seemed to slide away like sand
slipping through his fingers. He�s trained himself not to think about
it, he found other things to believe in.

Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, X-men, JLA, James Bond all became the
reality he never really felt he had. He use to write love poems to
Warren in Klingon and at least he knows that�s real. He�s not
crazy, he�s not going crazy.

He remembers the crazy people, they�d look at him funny and mutter
silly things. The crazy people ran all over Sunnydale right around
the time when his memory became this solid thing he could count
on. He remembers they scared him and he buried himself further into
different fandoms because when he was in them he didn�t have the
fear he had when he walked down the street and one of those scary
crazy people grabbed him and told him they knew who or what he really
was.

He ran into Jonathan coming out of the comic book store as he was
going in. First time someone really looked at him without thinking
he�s green. They got to talking and it was clear Jonathan�s memory
of him is fuzzy, though Andrew was able to recall him. He mentions
his brother Tucker and Jonathan nodded as if everything clicked.

�Oh o-okay, you�re Tucker�s brother.�

Sometimes he felt that was all he ever was, even to his parents. He
got tired of being Tucker�s brother.

They became friends him and Jonathan and than later Warren came into
the picture. For the first time someone saw him as something more
than just Tucker�s brother and it was all he could do not to worship
him. It was a relief to no longer be someone�s shadow, to feel as if
he was actually seen, cherished, loved.

Only that had been as much a lie as his life had been.

Warren never really loved him.

He had said he did, but he never had.

The games he led Andrew and Jonathan to turn deadly and in the end
he�d abandon them.

Andrew was left alone with Jonathan who was a friend, but whose memory
of him, despite every memory they�d built since the first day they�d
met, was still fuzzy. To Jonathan he�s was still �Tucker�s
brother�. Then Warren came back or rather it was The First as Warren
and he really doesn�t want to think of that�

�he wants his memory of that time to fuzz the way the his earlier
memories do. It can become solid again when he starts to be one of
the �Scobby gang�, maybe one of those times that he and Xander �geek
out� together. Xander understands his references and he understands
the fandoms that became the reality Andrew so desperately wanted but
couldn�t find in his head. Xander�s words sometimes wound, but he
got use to abuse witrrenrren and besides Xander�s a better guy then
Warren ever was. Warren saw himself as the next supervillian and
Xander�s been one of the good guys for years.

It�s not a wonder he falls, there�s no way he could have stopped
himself if he wanted.

Anya had er�r�s heart and Anya was the perfect woman.

Sometimes Andrew wishes she�d lived because he knows Xander loved her
very much, more than he ever put into words. Had she lived Xander
wouldn�t have had to settle for him. He�s happy with Xander, happier
than he ever was with Warren. After they got together Xander�s
cutting words stopped and it confused him. Xander had looked
bewildered when he had to explain that he still cared, cared enough
not to make fun of him. Andrew knows his memory isn�t what it should
be but he�ll never forget the look on Xander�s face as he said in a
very worried anxious tone, �Andy, Warren really fucked you up didn�t
he.�
No, he�s always been fucked up.

Comes from parents that saw through him or gave him confused looks.

�Who are you?�
�I�m your son.�
�My what?�

�Tucker�s brother, I�m Tucker�s brother.�

�Oh, oh, yeah right, okay Tucker�s brother.�

Xander never says he�s Tucker�s brother. Actually none of the other�s
do, maybe once in the beginning they called him that, but they
haven�t in a long time. He�s become Andrew, Andy and sometimes
Drew. Faith even called him Blondie once.

Post Sunnydale memories aren�t so bad.

Then he and Dawn talk. They�d become friends. She and her sister had
gotten into a fight earlier and when Dawn had tried to point out her
age Buffy had said, �Technically you�re only four.�

Four, the number of years his memory has been solid. It gives him an
eerie chill.

He wonders, questions himself, and one thing falls into place.

She�s Buffy�s sister, he�s Tucker�s brother.

Yet everyone can remember her and no one can remember him.

He asks her what it�s like to be made by monks. He tries to tell
himself he�s just curious and that the goose bumps tickling him mean
nothing. She talks about her first year, mentions the crazy people
and it�s all so familiar. He doesn�t mean to say anything about that
but it slips out and she looks at him funny. He manages to stumble
his way out of further comment and leaves the room.

They�re attack less than a month later and Buffy�s spooked. They were
the same guys who use to protect Glory and they�d tried to grab not
only Dawn, but Andrew too.

He comes across them talking about it, a meeting he apparently wasn�t
invited to. Dawn�s asking if they remember what she said about what
Andrew had said about the crazy people. Willow starts babbling, wants
to know how much they remember about him in high school.

�Does anyone even remember this flying monkey incident he told us
about?�
The answer�s apparently no.

He walks away, he doesn�t want to hear anymore.

A day later Xander notes he been quieter than usual and when he
won�t say what�s got him wigged Xander prods him to make
cookies. The girls are so happy about the baking they let the two of
them have the TV to themselves for a few hours and he and Xander
have a Star Trek Voyager marathon. Neelix never fails to make him
laugh.

After the girls reclaim the TV Xander takes him to their room and
makes love to him and he manages to forget all his confusion for a
time. As they cuddle Xander tries to get him talking. They get into
an old argument about who was Worf�s true love. He says Dax, Xander
still says Troi despite all the evidence that Troi belonged with
Riker. They share a few moments of wondering if Northstar�s crush on
Iceman will come to anything. They ponder whether they can get Giles
to somehow include some X-men Evolution DVD�s into their monthly
budget. Then Xander tries to get him to talk about what�s bothering
him and he shuts down. He doesn�t want to think about the way his
memory isn�t what it should be and he doesn�t want to think what he
suspects. He just wants to be.

Life with the Scobby gang isn�t easy and keeping the world safe
doesn�t really go well with burying your head in the sand. The group
apparently finds an explanation for the attack and they sit him down
and try to explain. He can�t really focus on anything but the worry
in Xander�s eyes.

First they ask him how much he knows about Dawn�s origins and he
recites what he knows to them, tries not to wince at his own whine
which is more prominent because the way their looking at him is makes
him nervous. They tell him they�ve discovered something new.

Apparently all the green swirlly energy couldn�t be contained in one
vessel so the monks made two. The monks had barely enough time but
they made one that could open the gate and one that could close it
for all time. Glory was supposed to find the one they didn�t hide so
well. She was never meant to find Dawn.

�Y-you mean if she�d found me Buffy wouldn�t of had to die?�

None of them; Xander, Giles, Buffy, Willow, Dawn, Faith or Kennedy
look like they expected that question from him.

�I�m sorry,� he manages in a sob before he runs from the room.

Dawn comes after him and they have a very Star Warsy moment where he
says that in some ways he�s always known. She obviously thinks it�s
cool, despite the fact that they�ll have to be kept apart for
safety�s sake. Apparently there�s a spell and if Glory�s henchmen
find a vessel, a body, for their goddess and combine his and Dawn�s
blood they can bring the former hell-god back. Then Glory can kill
him, keep Dawn and find her next opportunity to go home. Which
sounds like about as much fun as you can have without actually
having any.

So Giles is making arrangements. Apparently Giles thinks that with
Andrew�s ability to memorize things and his magical talents (which
actually come from his keyness � or is he somehow more of a lock
since his blood would have closed the portal?) that he�d make an
excellent watcher.

�I-I wish Glory had found me, then and and Buffy wouldn�t have been
hurt so bad.�

Dawn envelopes him in a hug at that moment as she tells him she�s
glad that didn�t happen. Now she has a brother, someone who is like
her, they're like twins. He can live with that. Maybe he can
develop some of Jean-Paul�s attitude as long as she doesn�t go crazy
like Aurora. She actually laughs at the reference even though he
can tell she doesn�t really get it.

He doesn�t admit it, but he still feels lost.

He�s somehow not as real.
His whole life is a lie.

He doesn�t know who he is anymore.

Until recently he never felt as though he really knew, and now that
feeling is gone.

A few well placed kisses from Xander that evening have him confessing
such.

�All my life all I�ve ever been was Tucker�s brother, now I�m not even
really that.�

�No, Andy. You�re Andrew and okay in some ways you�re just like
Dawnie, but��

�But what?� he interrupts, �I�m not real Xander. I�m made up.�

�Hey Dawnie�s not just made up. She�s like my kid sister and
you, you�re my boyfriend. How can either of you be made up when you
both recognize the greatness that is Harry Potter.�

Xander�s teasing smile does nothing for his mood and his boyfriend
tries again, �Andrew, you�re real. If you aren�t real who�s going to
argue with me about who�s the better Bond? Who�s going to make
cookies? Who�s going to get indignant with me when the girls try to
make a pop culture reference they have no business trying to make?�

He smiles at that feeling only slightly better.

�Who�s going to make me smile? Who�s going to love me despite the
whole only have one eye thing?�

�I love your one eye thing. It�s very cool,� he automatically
reassurunnrunning his hand over Xander�s face.

�And I love your green swirl of energy thing. Without it you wouldn�t
be the Andrew I have in my arms right now.�

Those words calm him. His past has changed. He�s not really
Tucker�s brother, that�s just something the monks made up.

�So I�m Andrew.�
�Yea, you�re Andrew. My Andrew.�

He smiles because that�s enough identity to keep him happy for the
rest of his life.
- 1
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Identity Crisis