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In Dreams I Walk With You	By : QueenB Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Het - Male/Female > Buffy/Giles Views: 81211 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
Email: queenboadiceaoftheiceni@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: This belongs to the great and powerful Joss and the usual gang oi…uhi…uh, geniuses
Pairing: B/G
Feedback: Do your worst--it can’t compare to my worst ;)
Warning: Contains character death, hints of non-consensual sex, anal sex and bondage
Spoilers: General spoilers for seasons one through six
Note: Extended passages in italics indicate dream sequences or thoughts.
This was written in response to a challenge on www.buffygiles.com

Giles walked through the cemetery, Xander and Willow by his side. Halting abruptly, he paused to gaze at a fresh grave.
“Whose nightmare is this?” Xander asked as he tried to make out the name chiseled on the stone.
“It’s mine,” Giles muttered. He knelt down by the gravestone and silently read the words carved upon it. Buffy Summers 1981-1997 Rest In Peace He drew in a ragged breath. “I failed…in my duty to protect you. I should have been more cautious, taken more time to train you. But you were so gifted and the evil was so great…” He laid his hand on the newly turned soil, tearful grief evident in his choked voice. “I’m sorry.”
Seconds later, a human hand burst from the earth and grabbed his wrist. He flung himself backwards as Willow screamed in terror. They all stared at the figure rising from the grave. As the girl stood up, brushing the dirt from her sky blue jacket, Giles was the first to break the shocked silence. “Buffy?”
The blonde girl looked up at them, grinning wildly with relief. “I thought I was dead!”
Willow shrank away from her erstwhile friend. “Buffy, your face!”
Buffy frowned in puzzlement as she tentatively felt her--facial ridges? “Oh God.” She was a vampire. When Xander edged towards her, she whirled away sharply. “Don’t look at me!” She was trembling in every limb as she fought against the overwhelming horror of her altered state.
“Why not, luv? You’re beautiful and if they can’t see it then they’re bloody fools.” The arrogant Cockney drawl came from their right and Spike emerged from the darkness. He grinned in the face of their obvious confusion. “What’s the matter? Don’t you like the new and improved Slayer? Gotta admit, she’s head and shoulders above my Dru.”
Spike? What’s he doing here? This didn’t…it wasn’t like this. The bewildered thought ran through Giles’s mind while he struggled to understand the situation. This was a nightmare--he knew that much. He remembered it happening before. But it hadn’t been like this. Where had Spike come from and what had he to do with any of this?
The dyed Brit strode up to Buffy and began boldly caressing her body. “Seems your so-called friends aren’t too appreciative, Buffy. Why don’t you show them just what my little Slayer childe can do?” Buffy raised her face to his and stared into it. Some wordless communication passed between them. Then she turned around and faced the others.
Gone was the self-loathing from moments ago. All traces of humanity had been stripped away and her face was twisted with demonic glee. “Sure. Why not? They had it coming anyway.” She glided close to the others as they stood rooted to the spot with shock.
“Ha-had it coming? Wh-what are you talking about?”
She laughed harshly, the sound a mere parody of her former tinkling giggle. “ ‘What are you talking about?’ As if you didn’t know, Willow. I was dead and resting in peace, just like it says on the damned stone. But you had to go and disturb me. You couldn’t let me rest, oh no, not you. You fancy yourself Glinda the Good Witch and just throw your magic around without giving a damn what anybody thinks. You wave your magic wand to suit yourself without having to deal with the consequences.
“And Xander…you think you’d have learned not to meddle with magic after all the women in town nearly tore you apart because of that stupid love spell. I should have kicked your ass into the next town for that little stunt. But I thought you were being a gentleman for not taking advantage of me so I let it slide.
Buffy let out a giggle, high pitched and awful with her yellowed eyes and new fangs. “You should have jumped my bones when you had the chance. Too late now, huh?”
With these words, she leaped with inhuman speed towards Willow and ripped her throat open with her sharpened fingernails. Willow fell down, tangled in her long green kimono, the blood gushing from her neck.
Xander yelled, “Buffy, stop! Don’t…” He swung a punch at her, trying to get to Willow’s side. She easily batted the blow aside and broke his neck with one twist of her hand.
As she dropped his limp body, Giles pulled out a cross with one hand and a stake with the other. “Buffy! For God’s sake, you can’t…”
“But I have. Now it’s your turn.” Spike stood on the sidelines, clapping his hands mockingly, while Buffy made short work of her former friends. Buffy and her Sire then danced around Giles as he tried to ward them off with the cross. Spike darted forward and swatted it out of his hand. She cuffed Giles hard in the jaw, knocking him onto the graveyard clay.
Buffy bent her head towards his throat and whispered, “You never should have left me. And after this, you never will.”
Giles cried out and his eyes flew open as her teeth sank into his throat. He gasped, dragging in deep breaths, his heart pounding in his chest, as his eyes darted around his surroundings. He was home…in bed. He was in England and Buffy was in Sunnydale. He sank slowly back onto the bed, trying to collect his racing thoughts.
God, what a disturbingly vivid nightmare. He could still feel the dirt pressing into his back, the fangs biting into his jugular. He remembered that nightmare, at least the beginning of it. It had occurred over five years ago when that comatose boy had infected all of Sunnydale with their worst fears. But the ending--that had been completely different. Spike hadn’t been there and Willow hadn’t been practicing magic then. Somehow the past phantasm had overlapped with current real events.
But it was still just a nightmare. Wasn’t it?
__________
“Giles!” Buffy’s eyes sprang open as she sat bolt upright on the crypt floor. She groped for her leaping pulse and sagged in relief. A pulse…she still had one, thank goodness. She edged warily away from the cold naked corpse beside her.
Spike stirred and glared up at her. “Bloody hell! What’s going on, Slayer?”
Dream. That’s all it was, bad dream. But, shit, it had seemed so real. She had been a vampire. Spike had turned her and set her on to kill her friends. She bent her eyes on him as she slowly backed up, searching for her clothes.
Spike gazed at her narrowly as she scrambled to get dressed. It was always like this. She came to his crypt for a quick shag and then, without the slightest sign of affection or concern, would yank on her clothes and disappear. It tore at him every time though he tried to cover up his anguish at her indifference.
“What’s the deal, calling out the Watcher’s name? Sod it, can’t you remember who you’re in bed with? Not exactly good manners now, innit?” He smirked at her though inwardly he was suffering deeply. She screamed his name during the height of orgasm and at moments like that he kidded himself that he had her, that she was all his. But in sleep she would always turn away, her back towards him, and his cursed vampire hearing would pick up the other names she would murmur in her slumber.
Angel. Riley, a couple of times. And now Giles.
Lately it was always Giles. She would sigh and he could smell her arousal as the phantom Watcher in her mind pleasured her. Once he had tried stroking and fondling her to take advantage of the situation but she hadn’t awakened--only writhed under his caresses and cried out the bloody Watcher’s name. Not Spike’s. Never his name. He had removed his hand in despair and observed her body tremble in delight as the dream played out to its conclusion.
But this hadn’t been a sex dream. He had heard “Giles” and smelled her terror just before she woke. This was some kind of nightmare and he felt fiercely gratified. Maybe now she would think about how shabbily her Watcher had treated her. Spike was the one she turned to. He was the only one who gave her what she needed. Time she remembered that.
He reached out towards her, grinning when she ducked away from his hand. “C’mon, pet. It’s not even dawn, yet. There’s time for another poke.”
She shook her head at him as she put on the last of her clothes. “You deal with it. I’ve got better things to do.”
“Like what? Fixing Little Bit’s breakfast? Bet she’d lose her appetite if she knew what you were up to at night. You’re supposed to be patrolling and instead you’re here banging hips with me. What would that precious Watcher of yours feel about his Slayer if he knew?”
The wariness on Buffy’s face disappeared to be replaced by guilt and shame. “I know exactly how he’d feel. It’s the same way I feel every time I leave this place.” Pulling on her shoes, she straightened up and walked away without a backward look. She didn’t see the wounded expression on Spike’s face or the rage that followed it.
“You can talk all you want about guilt, Slayer. But you crave me. You’ve got me deep under your skin because we’re the same, you and me. You’ve got darkness inside you and I’m the only one who gets that. You’ll come back again and again because I’m the only one who understands you…not your friends, not your sister and not that poncy Watcher of yours.
“You hear me, Buffy? I’m all you’ve got, luv!” Buffy didn’t reply as she slammed the crypt door behind her. Spike sank down onto the crypt floor.
“And you’re all I’ve got,” he whispered into the empty air.
__________
Buffy walked home quickly, hugging herself as she thought about that nightmare. It had felt so real, all of it, even the part about killing her friends. The rage she felt at them, the vicious satisfaction at seeing their bodies fall at her feet, even the joy that now she could keep Giles by her side--it had all seemed so real.
It was different from the other dreams she’d been having lately. She blushed as she thought about those wild sexual fantasies that came to her after she fell asleep. They left her with a warm glow all over her body.
It was nothing like what she felt with Spike. She never wanted Spike the way she wanted Giles.
She shook her head as she thought about that last part. Wanting Giles? She didn’t want Giles like that. She had wanted him to stay because he cared for her--didn’t she? It had nothing to do with her caring for him--did it?
But she did care for him. It had hurt to know that he was going to leave her, that he could simply pick up his things and walk out of her life. He had told her he didn’t want to cause her more suffering but he’d abandoned her anyway.
That had been the great thing about dying. When she dove off that tower, there had been a sense of relief. She could let everything go: saving the world, taking care of her sister, watching everybody she ever loved leave her one by one. Then she had been the one to go. No more loss.
But she had been pulled back--into a world of loud screeching noises, a loud screeching sister, overly concerned friends who had thoughtlessly yanked her out of heaven, a needy, obsessed vampire who prattled about her belonging in the dark with him and a Watcher who’d turned his back on her when she needed him most.
When she had regained her memory after that idiotic amnesia spell Willow cast, she had run with all her strength to the Magic Box. It had been a last-ditch attempt to catch Giles, to prevent him from getting on that plane. But she had been too late. Giles had gone without so much as a final goodbye to her and she was left with her friends who thought she should be so grateful to return to the world.
She had thought he understood what she was going through. She had been certain of it when she heard him yelling at Willow for resurrecting her. Even before the others learned where she’d been, Giles had sensed her agony. He had known before anyone else did how she was aching.
So how could he just desert her like that? She had told Spike the truth: she had been thinking of Giles when she kissed the vampire for the second time. His coarse lower-class English accent reminded Buffy of her Watcher. Not much, but a little. When she closed her eyes and concentrated, she could recall the Ripper she met during the band candy incident. He had been a bad boy in his youth and occasionally she could still see a little of that.
Not that she wanted Giles because of that, no sir. She wasn’t some dizzy teenager getting cheap thrills out of dancing with danger. That’s why she had let go of Owen. He had wanted to go partying on the wild side of life after her first and only date with him. She’d known that attitude would get him killed in the long run.
She wasn’t a Slayer because she got off on the rush. She was a Slayer because it was her sacred duty. She didn’t sleep with Spike because he was bad.
Then why did she have sex with him? She wanted to feel, yes, but not like this. All Spike offered her were quick fixes, the temporary high you got off the really hard drugs. It never prevented the numbness from crashing back in afterwards.
What the hell was she thinking, sleeping with a vampire she knew could hurt her? He might even take it into his head to turn her one night while she was sleeping! Damn, she must have a death wish.
Buffy shuddered while she considered that thought. She’d had Heaven and part of her desperately wanted to return. Losing herself in Spike’s arms seemed the closest she could get. But if he turned her, she’d become a damned thing like him and that’s where this self-destructive relationship was headed. What other kind of future was there with a vampire she hated almost as much as she hated herself? That’s probably what the nightmare had been warning her about.
Buffy’s stride slowed as she tried to sort out her feelings for the two very different Englishmen she knew. Spike was what Giles had been. But Giles hadn’t let his mad youth consume him. He had left that behind to become a decent, responsible man. He didn’t try to forget his past or pretend it hadn’t happened. He was too wise to engage in that kind of willful blindness.
He let the darkness of his teenage years inform his adulthood. The shadows were still in him; she could see that sometimes whenever he had to make the ugly decisions she shied away from. It just existed in a balance with the good inside him. Yin and yang, like he’d tried to show in that one frustrating attempt to teach her about Chinese philosophy.
The woman paused on her doorstep as the revelation hit her. Holy crap. That was it. Darkness and light. Balance. That was what she wanted in her life, what she was missing. She didn’t want to wallow in darkness like Spike was always telling her. She didn’t really want to forget about Heaven and she didn’t have to. She could bring that light into her life and still fight the darkness. For a moment, the epiphany was so dizzying she reeled from it.
Right. She knew what was lacking in her life. But that didn’t solve the other problem. Giles was gone. He’d left her to handle her life on her own and so far she had made a real mess of everything. She couldn’t drag him back to help in the cleanup. It wasn’t as if he would come anyway. He had made it painfully clear that he was exiting her life forever.
Buffy’s eyes filled involuntarily with tears. Shit, what good was self-realization when she still felt miserable? Brushing away the tears spilling down her cheeks, she listlessly opened the front door.
__________
Giles tried to restrain his impatience while the phone rang. He ran over the time difference in his head for the umpteenth time. It’s 8:30 a.m. here so it’s 12:30 a.m. there. Buffy should be home from patrol. I only hope I don’t wake up Willow, Tara or Dawn. But 12:30 a.m. is early for Buffy. Chances are she’s still awake.
On the third ring, someone picked up the phone at the other end--or rather something. “Hello. You’ve reached the Summers residence. At the sound of the beep, do your thing. Buh-bye.” He smiled at hearing Buffy’s voice even if it was only mechanically reproduced. “Um, Buffy? It’s Giles. I-I just wanted to call and check on you--”
The line clicked in his ear as someone hurriedly picked up on the other end. “Giles? Is that really you? I can’t believe it! I was just thinking about you!”
He blinked in astonishment. “You were? Really? You weren’t asleep?”
There was a short silence and when she spoke again there was an odd note in her voice. “No, I wasn’t asleep. I just got in from patrol.” There was another silence. “Why are you calling? I know it must be still early in England. Is everything okay? Are you…all right?”
His heart warmed at the shy tone. He had thought she would be angry with him still. For weeks after his departure, their phone conversations were stilted and cold--she insisted that she was well without giving any details and ruthlessly cut off his attempts to dig deeper. She had been patently disinterested in learning anything about his life either. “I’m very well, thank you.”
“But still…why are you calling now? Are you sure everything’s okay? You didn’t come across a new prophecy of world endage, did you?”
Giles’s response was a dry chuckle and he sat back on the bed. She was fine; he could hear it in her voice and it wasn’t the artificial brightness he’d heard all too often even before he left for England. She sounded genuinely happy and concerned for him. Well, perhaps happy was too strong a word but at least she wasn’t putting on an act for his benefit.
“No, no new prophecies. I was just calling.”
“Oh. Just calling.” Now he could hear disappointment as if she had hoped for more from him. He was beginning to question his own motives. The nightmare was fading in its intensity and he felt rather foolish about his own apprehension. Then he recalled an earlier statement she made.
“Buffy, you said you were just thinking about me. Is that true?” There was another pause and then she muttered vaguely into the phone. “I’m sorry. What was that?”
“I said it’s silly.”
Giles sighed and pressed the phone closer to his ear. He was eager to hear her voice say something, anything; he didn’t care if it was silly or not. He merely wanted to know his Slayer was alive and well. “Nothing you could say would be silly. What is it?”
“Well…I had a nightmare and you were in it.”
Giles straightened up again and his grip unconsciously tightened on the phone. “A nightmare, did you say? Wait, I thought you said you weren’t asleep, that you were out on patrol?”
Buffy kicked herself mentally over her slip. “Well, yeah, I was. I was on patrol. Then I was asleep. Then when you started talking just now, I-I thought the nightmare was stupid and didn’t want to mention it.”
“Let me be the judge of that. What was the nightmare about?”
She immediately picked up on the seriousness of his tone and her voice was slightly puzzled when she answered. “It was about vampires. Big surprise, right? The weird thing is it started off with that experience I got with that coma boy--you remember him, right? Billy, the kid who got beat up by his Kiddie League coach?”
“Yes, I do recall the incident. You became a vampire because that was your greatest fear.”
“Wow, great memory, Giles. You know that wasn’t really a nightmare we were all having. I mean, we weren’t asleep when we had it. It was just Billy’s subconscious spewing up on everybody around him. I wonder what ever happened to him, not to mention that sleazeball coach of his. Is it true that people like him get the raw end of the deal in prison? And did I just say ‘raw end’ ‘cause I didn’t mean that the way it sounded…or maybe I did.”
“Buffy.” Much as Giles welcomed the return of the inconsequential prattle his Slayer was capable of, he realized there was something else behind it. She’d had the nightmare, too. So far she had only related the first part of it. If she had experienced the rest…
“Oh yeah. The nightmare. Anyhow, it started off the same but it ended differently. I-I got turned but it wasn’t by the Master. It was--”
“Spike. You were turned by Spike.” The hollow words escaped before he could stop them. This time the stillness on the other end of the line was so long he wondered if she were still there. “Buffy?”
“Ho-how did you know that? Giles, how did you know about my nightmare?”
Giles rubbed his eyes tiredly. “I think you know. It’s the reason I called you so early in the morning.” He could hear her breath coming faster, loud in his ear, over the phone line.
“You had the same nightmare, didn’t you? Giles, I don’t get it. What’s happening here? The only person I used to share dreams with…” Her voice trailed away and he didn’t need to hear what came next.
She had shared dreams with Angel. Somehow her love for him had created a bond between Buffy and the ensouled vampire. Their dreams had been prophetic and on more than one occasion proved to be a valuable asset in staving off disaster.
But now she was repeating the experience with her Watcher. Giles’s mind raced as he considered the implications. However, he was cautious in his approach. “It could merely be a bizarre coincidence.”
Buffy’s voice was suitably wry as she answered, “Giles, you forget who you’re talking to and where I am. This is the Hellmouth; coincidences tend to take a holiday around here.”
“Perhaps you’re right. But why would I dream about your being turned by Spike? He helped us when you were…away and looked after Dawn. He didn’t have to stay but he did. His manner was always too caustic to make us consider him a true friend but he kept his promise to you. Has his behavior changed since I left? Has he become abusive or reverted to his old ways?”
For a long time Giles couldn’t hear anything from her end and, when Buffy resumed speaking, the odd note had returned to her voice. “Spike is--well, Spike’s Spike. He hasn’t changed. He’s still the same annoying chipped wonder. He can’t hurt humans; I’m sure about that. He still helps out occasionally and he still cares about Dawn, though he’s off babysitting duty. Nothing new there.”
“Buffy, are you sure everything’s all right? If you and I are sharing dreams then…”
“Just the one dream, Giles. And it’s a really old dream, too, just with a little re-editing. It’s not important. Thanks for calling. It’s late here or early, I guess, so I’m going to bed now. Bye!”
“Buffy, Buffy, wait! I think we need…” The only answer was the dial tone echoing down the line. He stared at the receiver in his hand before gently replacing it in the handset. Something was definitely off in Sunnydale but Buffy wasn’t talking. Perhaps he might get more solid answers out of another member of the gang. He frowned and then vetoed that idea. He wasn’t going to snoop on Buffy behind her back. She would tell him about whatever was troubling her when she was ready.
__________
Buffy spent the rest of the day in a kind of daze. Giles was sharing her dreams…or maybe it was just the one dream. Did he have the other ones? They hadn’t mentioned that when he called but the very thought caused hot waves to run all over her. She kept on mixing up orders at the Doublemeat until Sophie threatened to call the manager.
The super-allergic girl frowned and resumed packaging a customer’s order. “God, Buffy, are you on drugs or something? You’ve been spacing out all day. Honestly, I don’t know why they keep you on here.”
Buffy bit her lip and eyed the girl. She badly wanted to talk to someone about the dreams but Sophie was definitely out of the running. Sophie’s burgeoning friendship with her co-worker had taken a decided downswing after Buffy’s disastrous 21st birthday; on occasion she got pretty snippy. Sophie didn’t know about the little blackmail Buffy had pulled to keep her job at the DMP but she knew that she got some special kind of treatment and couldn’t help resenting her a little for it.
I’ll talk to Willow. It’s been a long while since she and I had a heart-to-heart. I miss those.] With a start, she realized that she did miss talking to Willow. [I haven’t exactly been in share mode since I came back from the dead, huh? Plenty of time to spend groining with Spike but not for them. Gee, selfish much? And Willow could use it, too. She’s been having such a rough time since Tara left.
Just as Buffy made this resolve, Sophie nudged her in the side. “Oh look, your boyfriend’s here. Do you want to take one of your ‘breaks’ now?”
Buffy glanced up and saw Spike peering through the windows of the DMP. Great, this was the last thing she needed. “No, no break. And he’s not my boyfriend.”
“Oh, did you two split up?” Sophie’s voice held a faint tinge of malice and the eager curiosity of the born snoop.
Buffy wrinkled her nose and affected a light tone. “We were never together. He’s just got a bit of a crush and the dense charm of stalker and I decided not to put up with it any more. I’m staying right here.”
Sophie sniffed at the casual dismissal. “Well, better tell him that ‘cause here he comes.”
Buffy adjusted her hat and stared pointedly over his head as Spike came sauntering through the DMP doors. “Welcome to the Doublemeat Palace. May I take your order?”
The vampire smirked at the bland greeting and drawled, “Yeah. Any chance of getting the late-night special?”
Buffy perused the signs above his head as if considering his request. “I’m sorry, sir, that’s not on the menu. Can I get you anything else?”
Spike frowned a little. Usually about this time Buffy made some excuse and hurried out to meet him in the alley. Now it looked as if she were balking. Oh, wait--he got it. She was probably putting on a show for her co-workers. He leaned forward and lowered his voice suggestively. “C’mon, luv. I was hoping for a little take-out. Maybe a Buffy meat sandwich?”
Buffy’s eyes turned cold and she finally looked at him. Or rather looked through him. “Sir, if you’re not going to buy anything, I’m going to have to ask you to step aside. Next customer, please.’
Spike glared at her. It was becoming plain that she was refusing to budge. “Not until I get what I came for.”
A fat woman with three small children behind him poked him in the back. “Hey, buddy, if you’re not getting anything, beat it! The rest of us came here to eat.” The vampire turned his head and growled fiercely at her and the woman squeaked in shock at the low guttural noise.
When Spike looked toward the counter again, the manager was standing next to Buffy and staring pointedly at him. “Is there a problem here?”
Buffy waved a hand in his direction, not gracing him with so much as a look. “Yeah, Ms. Ross. This guy’s causing trouble. He won’t buy anything and he won’t leave.”
The manager raised an eyebrow at Spike and looked him up and down. It was clear she’d formed a low opinion of his character and her expression grew decidedly frosty. “If you’re not going to make a food purchase, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the premises.”
Spike gestured at Buffy. “Hell, I was going to buy something. Your employee was rude to me!”
The woman he’d growled at leapt to Buffy’s defense. “Don’t listen to him, he’s lying! He was harassing her about something called the late-night special and kept pestering her. He’s just making a nuisance of himself.”
The manager stepped forward, crossing her arms over her chest. “Sir, either buy something or get out. Don’t make me call the police.”
Spike glanced from the determined woman in front of him to the equally indifferent Slayer and gritted his teeth in important fury. “Fine. I’m out of this miserable dump.” As he strode off, he shot back, “You know, there ain’t any meat in those sodding burgers. I can smell it, and whatever they put in those things, it ain’t chicken OR beef!”
The other customers stared in shock at him and then their food trays as Spike left, grinning maliciously. That’s right, Slayer. Try giving me a hard time and I’ll give it right back. With interest.
His momentary joy at his cheap victory faded after a moment and he glowered. First she had a nightmare about that damned Watcher and now she was giving him the cold shoulder. Well, that wouldn’t last. Sometimes the guilt over her sexual gropings with him would kick in and she’d avoid him for a few nights. But she’d be back soon. All he had to do was wait out this latest fit of misplaced remorse and he would have her again.
__________
Buffy waited impatiently for Xander to arrive. After Spike’s visit to the DMP, she was worried he might still be hanging around and she didn’t want another confrontation with him tonight. She had to talk to her friends and it would be easier if he wasn’t sniffing around her.
Xander pulled up to the curb and called through the open window. “Hey, Buff, glad you called. Anya and I haven’t seen you around much lately.”
The woman in the front passenger seat sniffed. “Xander, we see her almost every other day. Why doesn’t she just walk home like she usually does? We could be home having sex right now if it wasn’t for this trip.”
Xander’s answer displayed his infinite patience with his ever-horny girlfriend. “Well, pardon me, Anya, for putting my friend before your orgasms.”
Anya scooted pointedly away from him and stared out the window. “Fine. I guess I’ll be playing with Mr. Vibrator tonight while you sleep on the couch.”
Xander grimaced as they pulled into traffic. “So, Buffy, you said this was important. We haven’t called a Scooby meeting in ages. Is there some new baddie on the horizon?” Buffy didn’t answer and Xander risked a quick peek at her in the rearview mirror. “Buffy? Hello? Earth to Buffy? You in there, Slayer?”
“Don’t call me that!” she snapped. Xander blinked at the harsh tone and Buffy was immediately contrite. “I’m sorry, Xander. It’s just--that’s one of the things Spike calls me and I’m kinda sick of it.”
Xander raised his eyebrows and shared a puzzled look with Anya. “No problem, Buffy. So what is the deal? Is it Chips Ahoy? I noticed he’s resumed his follow-the-Slay--I mean, Buffy routine again. Is he giving you trouble?”
The woman in the backseat sighed and gazed out the car door window. “Yes. That’s why I wanted to talk to you all tonight. It’s really important and I don’t want to have to repeat myself.”
Xander wanted to discuss this further but it was clear that Buffy had said all she was going to for the moment. He and everyone else had noticed how removed from everything Buffy had been since her resurrection but he hadn’t a clue as to what to do about it.
He was happy to know that she was finally reaching out to her friends again. But if Spike was somehow involved in this communication attempt then the news could only be bad. Xander got a tight knot in his gut; he wasn’t going to like this one bit.
__________
“I’ve been sleeping with Spike.”
There was a profound silence from everyone in the room. Dawn was the first to break it. “Really? Does that mean Spike’s your boyfriend now? How long has this been going on?”
Xander’s mouth worked noiselessly for a few moments and then he squeaked, “Spike? As in--Spike? You’ve been having sex--oh my god. No, Buffy, you’ve got to be kidding.” Then his eyes narrowed. “Wait a minute. I know what this is. We went through this last year. You’re not Buffy. You’re a Buffybot.”
There was a collective gasp of relief and they all started chattering at once except for Tara who gazed at Buffy with a sympathetic expression. Anya walked up to Buffy and poked her experimentally in the arm. “She feels real enough to me. But then so did the other one. Not that I ever touched her or anything but the robot was very lifelike. Dawn, you used to get hugs from the ‘bot all the time. Did she feel like flesh to you? I’m guessing she did since she was having sex with Spike all the time and I don’t think he would have continued if she were all rubbery and plastic-feely to the touch…”
“Guys, I’m NOT a robot!” Buffy shouted over their mingled voices. She had known convincing them of nightly groin sessions with Spike would be difficult but she hadn’t expected her humanity would come under fire. Although perhaps that was part of the question, too.
The others gaped and then Xander spoke up. “Buffy, you could understand why we’re all freaking and busily throwing ourselves into the river of denial here. I mean--Spike? How could you do that with him? Didn’t you learn anything from Deadboy?”
Buffy glared at him. Leave it to Xander to drag up that unhappy memory. “I didn’t sleep with Spike because I’ve got a thing for vampires, Xander.”
“Well, you sure could have fooled me,” he retorted.
Her lips thinned and she hid her hurt behind a wall of anger. “Fooling you doesn’t sound hard. After all, you couldn’t tell the difference between me and a robot.”
Anya wasn’t about to let that slide. “At least he doesn’t sleep with robots. Honestly, you and Spike have the oddest taste in sexual partners. If you were going to sleep with a soulless demon, why didn’t you stick with Angelus? At least he kept a mansion.”
“Will you all just chill out! What’s so wrong about Buffy sleeping with Spike? He loves her and she loves him. Where’s the bad here?” Dawn couldn’t understand why everybody was stressing. Spike had been good to them and her throughout the whole summer. He was one of the good guys now. Why couldn’t they see that and be happy for Buffy?
“I don’t love him, Dawn.”
The quiet statement caused Dawn to look at her in confusion. “Y-you don’t? Then why…?”
Buffy sighed and stared at the floor for a moment while she tried to order her words so her little sister would understand. “Sex doesn’t always have to do with love, Dawn. You know that. I was feeling--lost and empty after I came back from the dead. I hated having to deal with the whole world. Paying bills, going to that lousy job day after day, running the house. I was supposed to be free of all that. I was supposed to be in Heaven.
“Like I told you all that day in the Magic Box, the day Giles--left…” Buffy faltered and then she continued speaking hurriedly to cover her momentary slip, “…like I said, every day I felt as if I were dying all over again. When I was with Spike the feeling would go away sometimes. But it always came back. And I finally decided I can’t keep doing it anymore.”
Anya’s face brightened at this explanation. “Oh, I see. It’s like that day when we faced off against Glory after she kidnapped Dawn. Xander and I went down to the basement of the Magic Box to look for the Dagon’s Sphere and I was feeling rather tense so we--”
“That’s okay, Anya. No need to rehash one of the worst nights of Buffy’s life.” Xander squirmed under everybody’s amused stares.
Willow murmured, “This is all my fault, isn’t it? You were happy and I spoiled that for you. That’s why you couldn’t talk to me about this. You blame me for it, don’t you?” Her face grew shadowed and dark as she thought of the pain Buffy must have been in to do something like this.
Tara tried to comfort her ex-lover. “Willow, Buffy doesn’t blame anybody. She doesn’t even blame Spike, though he kinda took advantage of her.”
Willow raised her head and looked at Tara curiously. “What do you mean, she doesn’t blame Spike? How do you know? Come to think of it, you were the only one not wigging when she told us just now. Last year, you thought she had to be nuts to sleep with him and now you don’t even get all twitchy?” Her eyes narrowed as she began to put two and two together. “You knew about this, didn’t you? And you didn’t tell me?”
Tara stammered in the face of Willow’s hurt look. “I-I knew but it’s not because Buffy told me. She wanted to know why S-Spike could hit her.”
Xander jumped in at that last statement. “Hang on a minute! Spike can hit you? I mean, as in hit you and not get all zapped by the chip? Has that darned thing stopped working? Is he killing people again?”
Buffy was quick to reassure him. “No, Xander, he’s not killing humans again. He can only hurt me.”
Xander leaned back; he was deeply puzzled. Spike could hurt Buffy? Wasn’t that enough of an excuse to get rid of him? Why didn’t she stake him then? Unless-- Geez, is that why Buffy started sleeping with him? I know getting whaled on is Spike’s idea of foreplay but I never thought that was Buffy’s scene. Whatever happened to bringing a girl flowers and candy?
Anya spoke up then. It was almost as if she were reading Xander’s mind. “Was that the attraction for you, Buffy? Getting hit? Because I must say, I would have thought that was more in Faith’s line than yours.”
Buffy sank down on the couch and laid her head in her hands. This was why I didn’t want to tell them. Explanations. Accusations. Discussions of my questionable taste in boyfriend material.
“Anya, that’s a load of crap.” That blunt statement came from Dawn as she sat beside her sister. She glared at her and Xander as she squeezed Buffy around the waist. “Buffy doesn’t get off on being hit. If she did, she wouldn’t have told us and she’d still want to be with Spike. Right?” She cast an uncertain look at her sister’s downturned face.
Buffy winced inwardly. Dawn was wondering what was going on in her mind; they all were. They didn’t get her motivations and she had only recently figured it out herself.
She was supposed to be looking out for Dawn. Caring for her younger sister didn’t mean merely seeing to her physical welfare but teaching her how to deal with moral issues and she was flubbing it big time. Buffy looked up again and saw that everyone in the room was waiting for an answer. “Dawn’s right. I don’t like the hitting. Spike told me I came back wrong and I believed him. How else was he able to hit me?
“See, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Willow, you may be a really powerful witch, but I don’t think you’re powerful enough to overrule God’s will. If you were allowed to yank me out of my supposed reward, then maybe I didn’t deserve to be there.”
“No, Buffy, that’s not true!”
“You can’t think that!”
“If anybody deserved to die and go to Heaven, it’s you, Buffy.”
The denying clamor came from all sides. Buffy shook her head and held up her hands. “Tara came up with this idea that my genes got a sort of molecular tan from my resurrection, just enough to throw off Spike’s chip and make me feel less human to him. But the more I think about that the less sense it makes.
“I came back wrong. Less than human. And sex with Spike seemed to be what I deserved. That’s one of the reasons I slept with him. There are a lot of other reasons but that’s the main one. I’m wrong, bad and empty. Spike seemed the logical choice.”
Once again, Anya’s tactlessness cut right to the heart of the matter. “If you still feel that way, why aren’t you with him? What made you change your mind and decide to end your orgasms with Spike?”
Buffy’s expression became resolved as she looked at each of her friend’s faces in turn. “Because I’m tired of how sick and disgusted I feel after I’ve been with him. Because I’m using him and that’s wrong. Because it’s not just about me. Encouraging Spike like this is dangerous--not just for me but for all of you. It’s time I remembered who my true friends are and where my duty lies.”
Buffy stood up and a confident note entered her voice. She hadn’t been this sure of herself in a long time and she liked the feeling. She glanced at Tara. “I want you to put up the de-invite spell not just here but at the Magic box, Xander and Anya’s apartment, even the Doublemeat Palace, if you can manage it. I want this to be done as quickly as possible.”
Tara nodded reluctantly and then furrowed her brows as she considered the request. “I’m not sure about that last part, Buffy. The DMP is a public place.”
Buffy strode up and down, thinking hard. “Maybe so. But if you cast the spell, the only way Spike can get in is if someone who lives or works there invites him. After the stunt he pulled this evening, I doubt anyone’s going to be doing that anytime soon.” She grinned sharply as she remembered Spike’s revealing comments about the burgers. Oh yeah, no way was the manager letting him back in again. Buffy would have a talk with her about Spike, just to clinch the matter.
She focused on the blonde wiccan. Her plan depended on her help. “So you’ll do it?”
The blonde woman shyly smiled. “I’ll do it, all right. Nobody messes with our girl.”
Xander bounded off the couch. “The same goes here, Buffy. I’m sorry for the way I reacted. You know we’ll always stand by you even if we don’t always understand. And I-I’m sorry for what I said earlier about Angel.”
She hugged him hard. “It’s okay, Xander. I guess I had it coming. But don’t forget. What I had with Angel was love. What I did with Spike doesn’t compare to that.”
He nodded, loosennig his hold so he could look at her. “Yeah, I get that.”
Anya got up from the couch and grabbed Xander’s hand. “Well, now that we’ve gone over Buffy’s sex life. perhaps it’s time we got back to our own. Xander owes me some orgasm time.” She tugged him out the door. Buffy shook her head slightly over Anya’s one-track mind and turned back to see Willow and Tara going to the kitchen, murmuring about the recission spell Tara was about to perform.
“You know, this may keep Spike out of the house. But it’s not gonna keep him from you. How are you gonna manage that?”
Buffy shrugged. That was the very thought worrying her but she wasn’t going to let Dawn see that. Staking Spike was a last resort; he had been good to her little sister, keeping his word to protect her. And it wasn’t as if he’d ever forced her to have sex with him. No, that had been her conscious choice. He wasn’t entirely the bad guy here.
“I’m going to tell him it’s over, Dawn. He’ll just have to accept it.”
Dawn’s wide-eyed stare was eloquent in its disbelief. Did Buffy honestly think a polite dismissal was going to keep Spike from dogging her footsteps? Somehow Dawn didn’t think that was going to do the trick. An odd shiver ran over her body and she wondered why she suddenly felt afraid.

TBC
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In Dreams I Walk With You