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Out Of Memory, Loss	By : pixel2817 Category: AtS/BtVS Crossovers > Slash - Male/Male > Angel(us)/Xander > Angel(us)/Xander Views: 5977 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS or AtS. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 8
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Thanks to Addictedtobuffy, Nymph and Tracey for the reviews, i do appreciate hearing back from people.

Pain And Comfort

Lindsey busied himself in his kitchen, fixing drinks for his guests and trying to get himself under control. The story they’d told had rocked his world; knocked him out of his complacent retirement. Since leaving LA he’d avoided anything to do with the preternatural, once he’d set the wards on his house he’d done his best to pretend to be normal. Angel and Wolfram and Hart were fading memories, and he wanted nothing more than to erase that part of his life. Now he was being dragged straight back in, there was no way he could turn his back on them.

Tara was the one person he truly cared for, the only member of his family that mattered to him. What had been done to her sickened him; made him angrier than he’d been in a long time. When he’d first hit LA, he’d had plans to bring her out there. He’d thought to rescue her from her family, give her a new life. But he’d soon had to accept it wouldn’t be possible. Wolfram and Hart were simply too dangerous, and the thought of his gentle cousin in their hands frightened him. Then she’d found her own way out, won a scholarship to college and managed to get away by herself.

Of course he’d panicked a little when he found out she was living on the Hellmouth. But from everything she’d told him, she was safe. Although now he had to face the fact that when they’d talked, she’d been editing her own stories as much as he’d edited his. Neither wanting to worry the other, telling only the good and avoiding the danger.

What she’d done was amazing, fighting with a damn Slayer of all people. The things she’d faced; vampires, demons and a fucking God, almost made his own adventures pale by comparison. But right now none of that mattered. From the way she’d spoken, her relationship with Willow had helped give her the strength to fight. She’d relied on the other witch, loved her so much. Having to face the fact that her lover had betrayed her, had violated her very mind, was devastating. Watching her now, sitting on his couch, hunched in on herself; Lindsey didn’t have the first clue how he was going to help her.

Handing Tara her drink, he went looking for her friend to give him his. He found the boy out on the porch, his gaze fixed on a distant spot. Lindsey was willing to bet he was staring in the direction of Sunnydale. Holding out the mug, he swore to himself when he saw blood dripping from Xander’s clenched fist.

Grabbing a cloth, he pried the hand open, seeing a set of keys fall to the ground; and set about wrapping the wound. Xander had been gripping the keys so tightly he’d cut his hand to ribbons. He just stood there, letting Lindsey treat the wounds, but making no move to help.

“You should probably hide those somewhere.” Xander gestured towards the fallen keys. “You’ve no idea how badly I want to get into the car and go back.”

Lindsey scooped up the keys, and tried to figure out what to say to the boy. He was just as broken as Tara, but Lindsey didn’t know him well enough to offer much in the way of support. He’d helped Tara, and that bought him a lot of points with Lindsey, but he was still a stranger, his cousin was his priority.

Xander seemed to draw himself up, pointedly turning his back on the view and looking straight at Lindsey. “I didn’t make the connection at first, Tara just told me that she had a cousin who’d be able to help us. But when you introduced yourself it clicked.” He stared at the scar marring Lindsey’s wrist, causing him to pull his cuff down in an attempt to cover it up.

“You worked for Wolfram and Hart.” A statement not a question, and Lindsey wondered how the hell he knew.

“I don’t know what you heard…..” Lindsey’s voice trailed off as he tried to figure out how much to tell him. He’d never wanted Tara to be touched by the darker side of his life, never wanted her to know about the things he’d done.

“Cordelia Chase.” Lindsey started at hearing the familiar name. Seeing the reaction, Xander continued with his explanation. “She’s one of my oldest friends, we talk all the time. There isn’t much I don’t know about what went on in LA. Between you and Angel, and your former bosses. She said you walked away, and I guess that counts for something.”

Xander’s voice turned hard and Lindsey was taken aback by the determination in his eyes. “You do anything to hurt Tara, anything to bring Wolfram and Hart down on her; and I promise you, you’ll wish Angel had made good on his threats. I’m not going to let anyone hurt her again. She trusts you, so don’t even think about letting her down.”

He didn’t bother to wait for a reply, just slipped back into the house, and joined Tara on the couch. Lindsey watched as they curled up together, seeking comfort from each other. That the boy knew about his past was disturbing, and he knew he’d have to come clean with Tara. He could only hope that when she found out she wouldn’t turn from him.

He let them rest, and started pulling out his hidden books. Looking for wards and protections he’d thought he’d never need again. Whatever happened next, he needed to figure out a way to keep Tara hidden. A witch as powerful as the one they’d described wouldn’t find it that hard to track them, and he was damned if he was going to allow that to happen. No there had to be some way to keep them hidden from prying eyes, the boy would be easy enough; but disguising Tara’s magical signature would be more difficult. Every time she cast she lit up like a beacon, and he had to find some way of masking that.

Next morning, Lindsey watched in awe as Tara performed a ritual to clear the last of Willow’s spells from their bodies. He’d always known she was gifted, but he’d no idea that her delicate frame hid so much raw power. The last time he’d seen her, she was still hiding her powers, and had been mostly untrained. Now she was a force to be reckoned with, and he realised that he’d seriously underestimated her.

She had looked over the books he’d found, and was now strengthening the wards, working with an almost casual ease. Xander just watched for a while, then a worried look crossed his face, and he took the books from her hands and simply said. “Enough.”

The second she stopped, Lindsey realised how much it had taken out of her, Tara’s hands were trembling, and without the magic bolstering her system, she looked tired and drawn.

“I could do some more, I…I…I don’t want to leave any openings.” The fear in her voice just made Lindsey even angrier than he had been.

“You’ve got us covered pretty well Tara, I’ve never seen you use so much magic before, maybe you should rest up before you try anything else.” As he spoke, Xander guided her back into the house, supporting her with one strong arm.

“It’s just I’d forgotten what it was like to use the magic so easily. Th…the Hellmouth, it taints it, makes it so difficult to work, out here it feels so clean. I..I..Ijust wanted to protect us.”

“I know you do, but there’s no point wiping yourself out, you haven’t used that much power in a long time. Besides, I’m pretty sure Lindsey’s already got a bunch of protections up.”

“Damn right I do, Tara darlin you don’t have to do everything all at once. You need to get better, before you do too much.” Lindsey wanted to chase the shadows from Tara’s eyes, wanted to make her nightmares go away. During the night he’d heard them both screaming, had listened quietly as they comforted each other. Understanding that there was nothing he could do or say to make them feel better. Only time could help them cope.

“I won’t do too much, but I need to get used to my powers again. Willow…..s..s..she was siphoning my power, I’d forgotten how much I had before Sunnydale. I need to figure out how to control it all over again.”

Willow again, Lindsey wanted to hurt her so much, the damage she’d caused was incalculable, but as much as he wanted to go after her, healing Tara was more important right now, revenge would have to wait.

The following days had Lindsey tearing his hair out, Xander and Tara weren’t getting any better. If anything they were withdrawing, becoming quieter with every passing day. They still woke up screaming every night, and neither was comfortable with the other being out of their sight for more than a few minutes. The dependence wasn’t healthy, but Lindsey was afraid of damaging them further if he tried to intervene.

Despite the things she’d said that first day, Tara wasn’t practicing her magic, in fact she seemed to be ignoring it completely. A kind of apathy had set in with both of them, they ate when Lindsey told them to, but otherwise they sat around the house, barely even talking. Tara spent most of her time on the porch, wrapped up in an old blanket, just staring out at the ocean.

Xander seemed to prefer the rocks at the edge of the beach, he always stayed where Tara could see him; but would spend hours leaning against the boulders, aimlessly skimming pebbles into the water. Lindsey had come to know him a little, at mealtimes he’d pressed them both to talk, enjoying the little bits of animation he was able to coax out of them from time to time.

It was the lack of emotion that really scared him; neither of them seemed to feel anything at all. When he’d forced himself to tell Tara about his time at Wolfram and Hart, she’d just listened quietly and then asked if he was sure that he wasn’t going back. When he’d promised that he’d left for good, she’d simply nodded and walked away. Not seeming to care about what he’d done, he would have preferred anger to this endless indifference.

He’d caught the odd glimpse of the real Xander, when he cajoled them into talking as they sat around the table. He saw hints of a quick mind and a dark humour that matched his own, but those glimpses were few and far between; for the most part the boy was as empty as Tara. Surprisingly after his threats of the first day, Xander hadn’t brought up his involvement in Wolfram and Hart at all. When Lindsey pressed him on it one night, Xander had told him that he had no right to judge someone by their past mistakes. And that so long as Lindsey didn’t hurt Tara, Xander didn’t care what he’d done before they’d met.

Walking out onto the beach, Lindsey decided to try talking to Xander again, leaving them to brood wasn’t accomplishing anything; so he had to figure out a way to start them on the road to recovery. Xander seemed a little less broken than Tara, so Lindsey thought he’d start with him.

“You’re worried about us?” Xander’s voice was quiet, but Lindsey was grateful to hear it at all.

“You’re not exactly getting better, if anything Tara’s getting worse.”

“I know, but I don’t know how to help her, not when I can’t even help myself.”

“Then let me try, isn’t that why you came here?”

“We came here to be safe, needed somewhere Willow wouldn’t find us.”

“Well you’re safe here, those wards Tara put up are powerful enough to stop anything finding you. That evil bitch isn’t getting anywhere near you.”

“She’s not evil.” Xander’s voice held a quiet certainty that bemused Lindsey.

“How the fuck can you say that? After everything she did to the two of you; evil pretty much says it to me.”

“It’s not that simple, towards the end, maybe you’re right about what she became. But earlier…..the things she did. I can almost see why she did them. She didn’t wake up one day and say I’m going to fuck over everyone’s lives.”

“That’s what she did. She screwed with every part of you. How the hell can you say you understand that?”

“I said I understand it; that doesn’t mean I think she was right or that I’ll ever forgive her; but I think I’ve figured out why she did some of it. And it wasn’t that she was trying to hurt us.”

“Yeah well that’s what she did. Tara’s broken inside and you’re not much better.”

Xander continued with his explanation, as though Lindsey hadn’t even spoken. His voice was weary and bitter, but Lindsey was just glad that he seemed willing to open up a bit. Even if he wasn’t enjoying what Xander had to say, it was good that the boy was willing to talk about what had happened.

“The first spell, I think she did that after Jesse died. He was my friend, my best friend, more than that I loved him. We’d never shared more than a few kisses; maybe it’d have never gone further. But we didn’t get the chance to find out. He got turned and I had to stake him. Afterwards…..I fell apart, or at least that’s what I remember now. I was a complete wreck, taking stupid risks all the time. Willow, she didn’t want to lose me too, so she took my pain away. And all my best memories of Jesse went with it. She just wanted me healed, but she should have let me figure it out on my own.

Then Cordy, Willow always hated her. She thought Cordy would hurt me, so she fixed things so we split up. I thought it was because she wanted me, but now I don’t think that was it, she stayed with Oz after all. No she was trying to protect me, wanted me away from someone she thought wasn’t good enough.

Same thing with Faith, she didn’t trust her. Thought she was too dangerous to have around, so when Joyce and Buffy tried to help her, Willow stopped them.”

Lindsey suppressed a shudder, he had his own memories of the dark Slayer and he wasn’t so sure Willow had been wrong about her. “Faith was pretty dangerous.”

“Yeah, but we helped make her that way. Thanks to Willow’s spells, Faith didn’t get any help when she needed it. I’m pretty sure Willow justified what she did, by the way Faith turned on us; but I can’t help thinking if we’d given her a chance, then things would have been so different.

It’s the same with the other spells, she wanted to keep me in Sunnydale, because she thought I’d get hurt without having her around to protect me. She never set out to deliberately cause pain; it was more like she had this view of the world. Where we were all happy and safe; and she was willing to do anything to keep things that way. To keep us in the roles we’d always had, she’s never coped well with change.

With Tara it was worse, but I can still see why she did what she did. As far as she was concerned they were in love and belonged together. Tara was happy with her, when she didn’t realise how badly Willow was abusing the magic. So whenever Tara would find out, Willow would just make the memories go away again. As far as she was concerned, Tara was happy and that was all that mattered.”

“There’s no justification for what she did to Tara, no excuse.”

“I know that, I’m just saying that in her own mind she probably didn’t even realise that she was doing anything wrong. She was just fixing things, she had good intentions mostly.”

“Well you know what they say about the road to hell. Doesn’t much matter to me why she did those things, she comes after Tara or you and I’m shooting first and asking questions later. There’s no way in hell, I’m going to let her get her hands on the two of you. Besides that wasn’t all she did.”

“No it wasn’t.” Xander turned away from Lindsey and stared out at the ocean. He slumped against the rock, and for a moment Lindsey thought he wasn’t going to continue, then he heard a heavy sigh, followed by whispered words.

“White goat….I might not have any skills myself, but even I know that’s just a euphemism for human sacrifice. I remember when she said it first, she was so happy to have found a way to bring Buffy back; that I don’t think she even noticed how shocked Tara and I were. Tara’s face, when she realised that Willow was serious, it was as though she was seeing what Willow had become and it appalled her, I think a part of her died that night.

Willow tried to talk us into it at first, tried to make us see that she was right. It was as though she couldn’t understand why we were so disgusted with her. A life for a life, magic is always about balance; so if we wanted Buffy back then someone else had to die in her place. A sacrifice had to be made, and she honestly thought we’d go along with it. It was almost comical, the look on her face when we said no. She’d never even considered that we wouldn’t just do what she said.

Anya…..my Anya……Willow never liked her, never accepted that I loved her. She always seemed to assume that it was just about sex, that I wasn’t capable of having deeper feelings for Anya. She’d worked it all out in her head, Anya used to be a demon, so Willow decided that meant she didn’t matter, she tried to tell us that Anya didn’t have a soul. Said that it would be just like killing any other monster.

We would have done anything to stop her, and in the end she had to face the fact that she wouldn’t be able to convince us. So she forced us instead, laid down magic so strong, so all encompassing; that we were little more than zombies. Her will controlling every part of us, making all of our decisions for us; we were trapped behind a wall of power. Seeing everything that was going on, but completely unable to fight her. I don’t think I’d ever been so terrified.

I keep re-living that night in the graveyard. Keep thinking there should have been some way to stop her. If I’d been stronger or quicker, if I’d just loved Anya a little more. In the films love always conquers all. If it’d been a fairytale or a movie, I’d have been able to break the spell, make her stop. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to go? The hero defeats the evil witch in the nick of time, his love overpowering everything in its path. Kill the baddie and save the girl, and everyone gets a happily ever after. But it wasn’t a movie and all I could do was watch and scream from somewhere deep in my mind.

My arms held Anya down, felt her struggle; heard her pleas and I did nothing, said nothing. I just stood there, and let Willow slit her throat. Watched as her cries died away to nothing, held on while her blood pooled on the ground. Saw the light in her eyes fade away, she looked so betrayed, so lost, and I did that to her. I taught her how to love, and promised her she’d be happy, then betrayed her in the worst way possible. I helped my best friend murder my lover, and what’s worse, I forgot about it.

I did something so terrible it should haunt me forever, and I didn’t even know I’d done it. Didn’t question what had happened to Anya, or how Willow managed to bring Buffy back. I believed some lame ass story about her running out on me. I almost hated Anya for abandoning us like that; cursed her memory. I should have seen the truth, should have been able to remember what I’d done.

The other night you asked me why I wasn’t giving you a hard time about your job at Wolfram and Hart. Well that’s your answer; nothing you did even begins to compare with my sins. You never killed anybody you loved, never betrayed someone who had absolute trust in you. If anyone’s the monster here, it’s me, not you.”

“Xander…you must know it wasn’t your fault. That kind of spell…..there’s no way you could have fought it off.”

“Maybe, but I can’t help thinking I should have found a way. Should have seen how far Willow was willing to go, I ought to have realised how addicted to the magic she was. She was my best friend, shouldn’t I have been able to see what she was becoming?” Now Xander’s voice was full of self-hatred and bitterness, it was almost too painful to listen to.

Lindsey didn’t know what to say, there were no words to make this kind of pain go away, so let his arm slip around Xander’s shoulder; trying to offer a little support. He knew it wouldn't help all that much, but right then it was the only way he had of helping. Xander allowed the embrace for a second, before moving away and going up to join Tara on the porch.

Lindsey took Xander’s place, leaning against the rock, staring out at the ocean. Things were worse than he’d imagined, and he was running out of ideas. He was pretty certain he knew the extent of it now, but he wasn’t sure that helped him any. They needed more help than he was able to give; they needed to find the right path if they were ever going to heal.

There was one thing he could try, one person he could ask for advice. The only person he knew that would be willing to offer a little insight; without wanting to take advantage of his traumatised guests. Flipping open his cell, Lindsey stared at it for a moment, hoping he was doing the right thing. Then he dialled a familiar number. “Lorne? It’s Lindsey, I really need your help.”

tbc…….
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Out Of Memory, Loss