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Blonde on Blonde	By : lucky021 Category: > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 4814 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 8
- 9
- 10
A/N: This chapter has a brief mention of rape, and this issue will be making frequent appearances for a while. Thanks for all the reviews I've gotten so far and I hope everyone who likes this continue to enjoy it and review. I'm really excited about this part, so I'll probably be updating pretty frequently, but I do have a few papers due, so we'll see how it goes. School vs. Spuffy though, it's kind of a no brainer.

"Go lightly from the ledge, babe,

Go lightly on the ground.

I'm not the one you want, babe,

I will only let you down.

You say you're lookin' for someone

Who will promise never to part,

Someone to close his eyes for you,

Someone to close his heart,

Someone who will die for you an' more,

But it ain't me, babe,

No, no, no, it ain't me, babe,

It ain't me you're lookin' for, babe."

-Bob Dylan, It Ain't Me Babe

The first thing Spike noticed when he woke up the next morning was a dull but damn painful throbbing in his feet. Next came a similar sensation in his head, then his stomach decided to make its own displeasure with his night of drinking known. Spike groaned softly and lay still for a moment trying to calm his stomach before he brought up his dinner from the night before all over his bed.

He opened his eyes slowly and thanked God he'd had the foresight to close the blinds tightly the night before, light would only make his headache from hell intensify to an unbearable level. He turned his head slowly and saw the glass of water and tablets of aspirin on his bedside table. He swallowed them down with a minimal amount of wincing from the movement and then flopped back down to try to remember what the hell had happened to him.

There were a lot of things amiss. Anya and Xander were gone, he was actually wearing clothing, he had no idea why his feet were burning, and he didn't remember getting the water or the aspirin, or really anything after getting a last hand job from Anya and Xander in the pub.

The thinking was causing his brain to fry so he tried to sit up and look at his feet, maybe that would help jog his memory. His head spun and he tried to calm his stomach again before sitting all the way up. The aspirin was starting to kick in, so his head felt a little better now, but his guts were aching to throw something up. He pulled his foot up and gasped softly when he saw the cuts crisscrossing both his feet.

Suddenly something in his head clicked and he began to remember. Anya and Xander were in his bedroom while he went to get a glass of water. Then... yes, then he had walked out and seen that wanker Buffy was dating with his hands all over her.

"Oh, God." He remembered everything in a rush, the shattered glass, the tears, the horrible confessions that weren't supposed to ever happen, and that same wanker actually helping him, practically carrying him into the kitchen.

It was embarrassing enough that he had seen Spike stumbling about, cutting himself up and sobbing like a child, but then to have been carried by that pumped up all-american boy scout, it was too much. Certainly, Buffy would want nothing to do with him now, not after he'd make a complete and utter jackass of himself, and in front of her lover no less.

God, she had probably gone straight to bed with him after that display. He'd practically thrown her into that pansy's arms.

He had to take it all back, she'd understand. When your drunk, you say all kinds of things you don't mean. Stuff just comes tumbling out of your mouth, especially if you have one as big as Spike's. He'd explain that he'd been emotional about something having to do with Tara or Xander, God, even Anya. She'd believe that, she'd have to.

If he couldn't have her, he at least had to save a little scrap of his dignity in front of her. Couldn't let the bint take him over entire, it just wouldn't do. She could do whatever, or whoever she likes, and it can't bother him because he told her to, and because he was doing the same thing. It was irrational and chauvinistic to expect her to wait around while he poked and got poked by others. Of course, that didn't change the fact that he hated the very idea of her even touching anyone else. He hated being so weak that he automatically went to Xander and Anya for comfort every time something didn't go his way, but he never claimed to be a strong man.

"You may not be a strong man, but you're mine, William, you're mine. Do what you like to me, I let you because you're mine."

He thrust harder and knew he was hurting her. "Not a strong man, not a man. Just yours, Dru, just yours."

"Aren't you forgetting someone, boy?" William felt a hand on his ass and he shuddered. "Don't forget who made you what you are, and don't forget who you're doing this for. Harder, boy, I want her to scream."

He squeezed his eyes shut, he'd never hated himself as much as he did now, for how much they'd do to get what they needed from this man, they weren't even like humans anymore. "Please, she's already-"

Abruptly he was yanked from his lover and thrown to the floor only to be covered seconds later by a heavy and hard body. "You'll do then." He felt his cheeks spread and then there was pain like he'd never felt before and he screamed. "Yes, you'll do just fine."

He shook his head to try to clear the thoughts and memories before they overtook him. When he remembered, or even just thought too hard about himself, he couldn't stop the waves of melancholy and depression that tried to drown him.

"Oh my God! Will, what did you do?!"

He'd been saved one too many times before by his loved ones, he was tired of them worrying that he was going to do himself in or retreat into the shell that he'd created for himself whenever he was hurt. He hated being so fucking dependant on people, it made him hate himself even more. It was a vicious cycle and he had to stop it.

Talking to Buffy and explaining everything would be a good first step. Speaking of steps, how the hell was he supposed to get around when his feet looked like a fucked up chess board?

***

Buffy had gone over the previous night about a billion times in her head by noon the next day. She'd thought about what Riley had said, but mostly it was Spike that filled the time. She didn't want to hurt Riley, but he was right. If she was thinking about what Spike had said all the time and wondering if things could change between them, then it wouldn't be fair to Riley or even to herself. He was a good guy, and an attractive one, he wouldn't have a hard time finding someone else if Buffy chose to try and work it out with Spike, but she still hated the idea of telling him he'd just been wasting his time.

She sighed and rolled over in her bed, trying to think of one good thing that could come out of this situation. Spike was a definite plus, but then again, he'd started up with Anya and Xander again apparently. Where the hell did he get off going all weepy and glass-droppy seeing her with Riley after he'd probably been having fuckfest 2003 in his bedroom.

Then again, most of her anger about the whole thing had to do more with jealousy and hurt that he could move on so quickly, and less with indignation. He'd made it perfectly clear to her that she should move on, but even so, she didn't think she would have reacted very well to seeing them in the act. In fact, she hadn't, and she'd been sober when she had seen he and Anya.

He was making mistakes right and left, but at the same time, they were ones she could forgive easily if he wanted her too. He said that he'd wanted to change last night, but he never acted like it. Every time she wanted to talk she'd find him fucking either Anya or Xander's or both's brains out. It was enough to make any sane girl walk away. You'd think Spike was crazy enough for both of them, but whenever she was around him, it was like nothing mattered but being together. It was hard and insane and way too unpredictable to rely on.

She wanted stability, but she wanted Spike more. At least most of the time she did, when she was with Riley, Spike started to seem like a little too much work for someone with enough going on already. He had all kinds of demons, and all kinds of issues, and all kinds of keeping his dick in his pants problems.

Buffy realized she had to make a decision between working for what could be a really rewarding relationship, or falling into one that she knew would be mediocre but stable.

"Buffy?"

Oh shit, just what I need right now. "Yeah?"

Spike poked his head around the corner but didn't make eye contact. "Umm, do you think we could talk for a minute?"

She noticed he was leaning hard against the door frame and trying to stand on the sides of his feet. "Oh, God, Spike, come sit down, your feet must hurt like hell." She stood and helped him to the bed and he thanked her quietly. She could tell he was deeply embarrassed, and that earned him a few points.

"About last night..."

"Yeah?"

"I can't tell you how sorry I am about everything, I acted like a right prat, and I can't even begin to apologize, but I'm gonna try."

"Spike-"

"No, lemme finish. What I said, in front of Riley, about you and me, it was out of line, and I'm sorry if it messed things up between you two. I was just drunk, spouting my mouth off because I was upset about other things that don't even have anything to do with you."

"What... What, so you don't-"

"Nah, luv, don't even rightly remember what it was I said exactly. Just a load of shit that you never should have had to been burdened with."

Points were rapidly adding to Riley's half of her scoreboard. Did he think he could just bullshit his way through life and lie to everyone when things got uncomfortable. This wasn't the Spike she knew, he was honest and wore his heart on his sleeve even when it hurt him. This bastard was covering, and it was pissing her off.

"Don't lie to me, Spike, I can take your other shit, but this is making me mad."

"What?"

"You heard me. Don't tell me that last night didn't mean anything because it had to."

"And why's that, pet? Think you can just tug me around by my short hairs all the time and run around with that tosser? You made a decision, and I was just upset, trying to get you to change your mind by using every trick in the book. Drunken revelations? Just trying to get a good shag, pet."

Spike couldn't believe he was saying this to her, but she'd called him out and he had automatically gone into defense mode. He looked up and saw the pain in her eyes quickly covered with anger.

"How the fuck can you say that to me? After everything that's happened between us-"

"What? A few good lines is all. You looked good, I wanted a taste and you wanted to talk about love and feelings and relationships. I'm not bloody made that way. I got friends, that's all I need. No bints cocking things up for me when I give 'em a part of me to piss on."

"I never said a goddamn thing about love, that was all you! You were the one with the love at first sight, I wanna change, give me a chance, I love you shit!"

Oh fuck, he'd actually told her that he loved her. He didn't remember that before, but now that moment came back to him with perfect clarity and he wished he could start this whole conversation over.

"Wait, wait a minute, pet. I didn't mean for all this to happen, just let me think for a minute and we can work this out."

"No, get the fuck out, Spike, I don't think I ever want to see you again."

"Buffy, let me just think for a goddamn minute, I'm sorry, ok, I just... I got scared for a minute, but-"

"Don't try to pull me back in, you told me what you wanted, you're not getting it. Get. The. Fuck. Out!"

He tried to touch her arm but she yanked it away and stood, she was shaking with emotion and he couldn't believe he had fucked up so utterly out of misplaced pride. "I'm sorry, Buffy please-"

"No, just.." her voice softened and he saw the beginnings of tears in her eyes. "Just get out, there's not a damn thing you can say to make this better. I need time to decide whether or not I can even speak to you after this."

He started to say something, but he stopped himself and stood up gingerly. He walked to her door and stopped. He looked back but she was facing away from him so he closed the door and walked to his room realizing that he'd probably just lost his last chance.

***

Buffy heard her door open about an hour later and she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Go away, Spike."

"It's us," Willow said from the door. She and Tara stepped inside and closed the door. Buffy turned around and managed a weak smile as they sat down next to her in the bed. "We heard the yelling, and then we heard Spike throwing things in his room. We figured it was something bad."

"Do you know what happened last night?"

Tara nodded. "Yeah, Anya told us both this morning, she said she was really worried about Spike today. Guess he tried to deny everything, huh?"

Buffy looked at her with brief shock, then remembered that these girls knew him better than he knew himself. "You guys are creepy sometimes in your knowledge of others here."

Willow smiled. "Well, you live with that guy for a while, he gets pretty predictable." She brushed some hair out of Buffy's eyes and handed her a tissue. "I know you're going to hate us for saying this, but we hope you can forgive him. He goes into self-preservation mode sometimes and does really stupid things, he's just being an idiot, he doesn't mean it."

Buffy nodded and sighed. "I know, I understood while it was going on but it still made me mad. You didn't hear the things he said, he was like a whole other person."

"First clue that it wasn't really him talking," Tara said softly. "It's like William has three people living inside him fighting for control. There's the guy I met, William, the soft, shy poet who gets hurt way too easily, there's Spike, the guy Dru and her crowd created, and then there's who he is now, the guy you met, who's willing to try again but he's too terrified to let go of anything."

Willow nodded in agreement with Tara's assessment. "I feel like we should have made his problems more clear to you and warned you away from him. He's a wonderful, loving, loyal, guy, but he's also a buttload of work."

"I was trying to decide this morning whether he was worth it or not. After the fight I decided he wasn't, but I start thinking about him, about what made him that way, about how much he's hurting all the time. I feel like giving up on him is what he wants in a way, like he wants everybody to just leave him alone so that he can be all mopey and self-loathing without any responsibility. In another way, I think he's looking for someone to save him."

"And in yet another way, I think he wants to do it himself."

"Yeah, I think that's what he ultimately wants, but he doesn't believe in himself enough."

Willow grinned at her. "See, you've only known him for a little while and already you see right through him."

"Well, when you think about the guy a good portion of your day, it's hard not to notice all this stuff."

"He is adorable, isn't he? Kinda hard to resist his charms, even if he is seriously annoying most of the time, not to mention unbelievably frustrating."

Buffy rubbed her eyes. "What the hell am I going to do?" She groaned in frustration and both girls rubbed her arms sympathetically.

"Well, today, let's try to decide whether he's worth a relationship, or maybe just a friendship, or maybe even nothing."

Buffy let out a long sigh. "Ok, well I know I can't really stay away even if I wanted to, so nothing is out of the question."

"Ok, then what's too scary to get past more than a friendship?"

"Maybe if he told me everything about what's happened I could understand a bit more about the things he does now. Also, he jumps into bed with Xander and Anya every time he gets upset. I mean, if he actually came and told me the truth about what he was feeling, we could probably work some things out, but he's always going to them, and it's not to help, it's like he's trying to forget."

"I think that Spike uses sex that way, especially with them. They make him feel secure and loved, but all three of them are like bickering children. They aide and abed each other's vices and they're always using their relationship to get what they want from each other."

Buffy's brow wrinkled in confusion. "What do you mean, they use each other?"

Willow and Tara thought for a moment before Willow began bouncing. "Oh, oh, ok, I got one. Whenever Anya and Xander break up, one of them will go to Spike for comfort to make the other one jealous. Anya does that especially, I think it's to get back at Xander for getting to Spike first."

"They like having Spike there because it's guilt free leverage that they can use, and Spike likes it that way because no matter what, someone always needs him around."

Buffy wondered, not for the first time, how the hell he formed his cocky exterior when he was so damned insecure.

"I know what you're thinking," Tara said quietly to Buffy. Buffy just looked at her blankly. "Why is he so needy, so insecure, and how does he hide it?"

"He's always been like that, since we were kids. He always thought Jenny, out stepmother, loved me more when Giles finally brought her to live with us, and I don't think he ever thought the people he loved felt the same depth of emotion as he did, especially in his romantic life."

Tara looked down and this and Buffy wanted to tell her not to feel guilty about it, but she knew there was nothing she could say to ease that pain for what she'd felt she caused.

They all fell silent for a moment and Buffy felt the pull towards Spike even though she was struggling against it. "I guess... I guess I want to talk to him again. Just try to get stuff out there without all that defensive shit we seem to love."

Willow and Tara tried, they really did, to hide their delight, but they failed miserably as they pulled Buffy into a tight group hug that made oxygen an issue.

"Umm.. guys, I can't talk to him if I can't breathe."

***

Spike spent the rest of the day trying to forget about the monumental mistake he'd made in the morning. He wasn't really succeeding, partially due the fact that he kept reliving the incident in his mind over and over. He heard a knock at his door and when he turned to see who it was he nearly fell over himself trying to get to her.

"Oh, Buffy, come in, please, let me explain, I was a total jackass, I didn't mean it, I mean, I meant what I said last night, but I didn't mean it this morning, I mean I meant it this morning, just not what I said this morning... Umm, did you catch any of that?"

Buffy put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him onto his bed. "Just be quiet and let me talk ok. You probably shouldn't be spending a lot of time on your feet today anyway, Spike, they need to heal."

He sat in shock and when she took his hand and sat next to him he figured he must be hallucinating. "Listen, I know what you were doing this morning, and I get it, even if that doesn't make it ok, it makes it something we can work through." She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes, she could see his barely contained hope and it made her even more sure that she was doing the right thing.

"I'm not positive I know what I want from us, but-"

"Spike!" The couple looked over to see a hysterical Anya in tears throw herself through Spike's door and into his arms.

"Whoa, pet, what's wrong?"

"Xander, he, we, it was so stupid, Spike!" Spike looked apologetically at Buffy and she squeezed his hand before letting it go.

"Anya, luv, let me talk to Buffy for a minute, and then we can talk alright?"

Anya nodded and crawled into Spike's bed, burying her face in his pillows. Spike took Buffy's hand again gently and pulled her up. She followed him into the hall and he shut the door. "I don't want to stop this, but, she's so upset and-"

"Spike, no, it's ok." Buffy put a hand on his cheek and leaned into it closing his eyes. "We'll talk tomorrow, ok? Anya needs you." Just, please, Spike, prove to me you understand, just don't sleep with her.

Spike opened his eyes and looked deeply into Buffy's. "Buffy, luv, I was serious, last night, when I said I would change. I'm starting tonight."

Buffy let out a relieved sigh and leaned her head against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her thanking whatever God was out there for giving him another chance with this angel. "Thank-you for understanding," she whispered into his shirt.

He rubbed her back and placed small, light kisses in her hair. "Just know I'll make all this up to you, kitten, make up for all the wrong steps I've made so far." He dipped his head and nuzzled her cheek. "I want to make you happy, Buffy, want to make you so happy."

She didn't want to kiss him yet, ok, she really, really did, but she didn't think he deserved that until after they had settled everything. Again, without words he seemed to understand and was content with just rubbing his cheek against hers and reassuring himself that she was there and that she was giving him a chance. They held each other tightly for a few moments longer and he pressed his lips to her shoulder before pulling back a bit with his arms still around her.

"She might stay here tonight," Buffy tensed and he quickly clarified, "but just to sleep. I told you I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize this, and I won't."

Buffy pulled his head down and kissed his cheek softly. "I know," she whispered into his ear before letting him go and walking into her room.

Spike stood for a moment grinning like an idiot before he opened the door to his room. Anya was running back to the bed and he shook his head.

"So, I guess that means no make Xander jealous sex tonight."

"Were you listening at the bloody door, then?"

Anya looked at him with one eyebrow raised and an expression that asked if he knew who he was talking to. "Right."

"Well, I have to get my love vicariously now."

"Oh please, you know this is just a silly spat, you two will be back humping like rabbits tomorrow."

Spike came to the bed and sat next to her. "Even so, can I still stay here, I hate sleeping alone, especially when he's practically invaded my room with his crap."

Spike smirked and got under the covers with her putting his arm around her and pulling her to him. "C'mon, luv, let's get some sleep so we can wake up bright and early and do some groveling."

Anya closed her eyes and relaxed. Suddenly she sat up abruptly. "Grovelling? We?"
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