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Out Of Memory, Loss	By : pixel2817 Category: AtS/BtVS Crossovers > Slash - Male/Male > Angel(us)/Xander > Angel(us)/Xander Views: 5977 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS or AtS. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Running

Xander and Tara didn’t exactly pass a peaceful night; their dreams were filled with images from their newly restored memories. They both woke several times, trembling and screaming, comforted only by the other’s presence.

When morning came, they worked quickly, packing a few essentials and loading up Xander’s car. Visiting the bank to clear out Xander and Anya’s savings and then heading for Spike’s crypt.

The vampire was waiting for them to show, he’d spent most of the night pacing his crypt and chain smoking. His visit to Buffy’s house the night before, after he’d walked Xander and Tara home, had been distinctly unsatisfying.

She’d told him all about what had happened, what Willow said was wrong with her friends; how they’d supposedly been caught in a backlash from a spell, and had wound up with a bunch of fake memories.

It was obvious that the Slayer believed everything that Willow had told her, but the explanation just didn’t sit right with Spike. He’d spent too much time with Dru, knew too much about magic, to be so easily fooled. A spell like the one Buffy had described to him couldn’t create new memories, only cover up old ones.

He hadn’t wasted his time trying to convince Buffy of the truth, she might have come to trust him; but if she didn’t believe Xander and Tara, then she’d never take his word over Willow’s.

One look at Xander and Tara when they walked into his crypt; convinced him that his suspicions were right. They looked exhausted and in pain, the stink of it almost enough to make him gag.

But there was a new look in their eyes, a grim determination that hadn’t been there the night before; and Spike was relieved to sense that they weren’t as completely broken as he’d feared.

Tara was almost silent, so it fell to Xander to explain everything to the vampire. Watching him talk through their rediscovered memories was a painful thing. Spike could feel every sting and blow as if it had happened to him. In all his years as a vampire, he wasn’t sure he’d ever done anything this bad. Killing your enemies was one thing, violating the minds of people who loved and trusted you was something that sickened even him.

By the time Xander was done, Spike was furious, stalking round the crypt, his true face on display. He couldn’t reign in his temper, even though he could feel Tara becoming distressed, ranting about Willow’s betrayal; he described, in lurid detail, exactly what he’d do to her the minute his chip was out.

It was almost funny, that their pain could affect him like this, given how often he’d hurt the Scoobies, had tried to kill them. But a part of him had always admired their strength; knowing that it came from the fierce loyalty they shared. He’d envied them that; the bond they had was something he’d always craved for himself. Besides, from the night he’d confronted Angel in the old high school he’d considered them his. And the fact that two of his people had been so violated by one of their own disgusted him.

What Willow had done to Tara was worst of all; never in all his years alive and undead had Spike forced himself on anyone. What Willow had done to the woman she was supposed to love was worse than rape, taking away Tara’s right to decide for herself, had turned her into little more than a slave. It was unforgivable, and Spike vowed that one day there’d be a reckoning.

“You’re leaving.” It was a statement not a question, Spike knew they wouldn’t be staying anywhere near Willow.

“We have to.” Surprisingly, it was Tara that spoke this time. “If we stay, Willow…….sh…she’ll make us forget again. I c.c.can’t risk that, I won’t.”

“Gonna tell me where you’re headed?”

“We can’t Spike, she’d be able to make you tell her. The memory spells don’t really work on you, but something temporary would. A quick compulsion and you’d give her everything she wanted to know.” Tara sounded a little more confident now; Spike had noticed that when she spoke about her gifts, she always seemed to lose her stutter. Like her need to share her knowledge over-rode her nervousness.

“You’re just going to abandon Buffy and the Bit? Leave ‘em to Red’s mercy?” Maybe he’d gone too far with that one, the accusation making Xander even more miserable.

“We don’t have a choice, if we could stay we would. You know I’d do anything for them, but in this state we’re not much use. Buffy doesn’t believe us at all, I think that when Willow brought her back, she got the memories she had when she died, including all the fakes. So when the crystal broke, her real memories weren’t restored because they weren’t there.

Dawn was created using our memories, making her fit into the world we remembered, so she’s in the same boat as Buffy. Willow……she won’t hurt them, not directly. That isn’t what this is about, she’s trying to control everything, make things better, I don’t think she’d ever deliberately hurt them.” Xander’s words were meant to be reassuring, but the slight tremor in his voice let Spike know that the boy wasn’t completely convinced he was right. It was more hope, then actual belief that fuelled his speech.

“I made this.” Tara handed Spike a leather thong, with a blood red crystal hanging from it. “If you really need us, if Willow does something to Dawn, then just smash the crystal and we’ll know we’re needed. We’ll come back, we’re not abandoning everyone; we just have to be somewhere safe for a while. We’ve got to find a way to deal with everything we remembered and find something to protect us from it ever happening again.”

“You know we don’t want to run out on them Spike, you know us better than that, but we’re out of options. If there’s something you can’t handle, we’ll come back, but please don’t use that thing unless there’s no other choice. Tara’s protected it, so nobody but you will be able to use it.” Xander swallowed hard, obviously worried about the rest of the things he wanted to say.

“We’re not exactly friends Spike, I’m not going to pretend that we are. But I know you’ll do whatever it takes to keep Dawnie safe while we’re gone. You proved that last year. We’re trusting you to protect her, and we didn’t make that call lightly.”

Tara reached out and took hold of one of the vampire’s hands. “We’ll come back when we can, I’ve seen the way you are with Dawn. Spike I do trust you with her. We wouldn’t leave her here if we didn’t think she’d be safe. If something goes wrong, if we can’t get back in time, you could take Buffy and Dawn to LA.”

“Please tell me you aren’t thinking of my bastard Sire?”

“He’s not exactly my favourite person either, hell I trust you more than I ever did him. But you know he’d do the right thing; whatever he thinks of us, he’d die for Buffy or Dawn.” Xander knew that Spike wouldn’t like the idea, but in the end, Spike was the pragmatic sort. If he had to, Spike would go to LA, though he’d probably bitch about it for weeks.

Tara surprised all of them by pulling Spike into a quick hug, then getting back into the car. Xander hesitated for a moment, looking Spike right in the eye, before seeming to come to some sort of decision. He extended his hand to the vampire, folding it into a strong grip. “Just take care of them Spike, but watch your own back too.”

Spike hid his surprise at Xander’s gesture; he’d never expected that kind of courtesy from someone who’d always hated him. “Just, take care of Tara, yeah. She’s gonna need a lot of healing. Worrying ‘bout this lot won’t help, concentrate on fixing yourselves up, I’ll not summon you back unless there’s no other way.”

Xander just nodded, and then slipped behind the wheel. Starting the engine, he felt Tara’s hand slip into his once more. They pulled out onto the road, watching the seemingly empty graveyard fade in the rearview mirror, only the smoke from Spike's cigarette curling up into the air letting them know that he was still watching them. Turning towards the edge of town, they headed for the highway, and their new start.

Hours later they pulled up in front of a weather beaten house on the outskirts of San Clemente. Breathing a sigh of relief, Xander let the engine die, and pulled the keys from the ignition.

The journey had been a nightmare; from the second they’d left Sunnydale’s limits they’d felt an urge to turn around. Something tugging at them, getting stronger with every mile they’d travelled. Tara thought it was a compulsion, a spell that had been meant to keep them in Sunnydale.

Xander figured that was what had happened to him, when he’d tried to take his road trip after high school. His new memories said nothing about his engine falling out of his car. He remembered getting to Oxnard, remembered taking a job, to earn a little extra money for his trip. But every time he’d decided to quit and move on, something had stopped him. At the time he hadn’t understood why he’d become literally incapable of leaving. Now he knew the truth, Willow had wanted him back in Sunnydale, and so had used her magic to over-ride his wishes.

“Are you okay?” Xander was getting seriously worried about Tara; she’d been drawing on her powers almost constantly for hours. It was the only reason they’d been able to fight the compulsion. Breaking it completely required a ritual, and that meant they’d have had to stop in one place for a while. Something they’d been too scared to risk.

Tara turned to face him, a shaky smile on her lips. “Yeah, I can let it go now that we’ve stopped. I’ll have to wait until morning to break the last of the spells, but we should be alright until then.”

They got out of the car, and headed up to the house, their hands linking automatically as they fell into step. Tara shivered a little as she walked up the path, and when she saw Xander’s worried look, she explained. “The house is warded, it looks like Lindsey’s a little more talented than I thought. At least it’ll make us safer.” Taking the last few steps, she reached up and knocked on the door.

Lindsey had thought he was hearing things, when he noticed the soft tapping on his door. He’d hidden his tracks pretty well, using every trick he’d learned at Wolfram and Hart. He’d been so sure none of his enemies knew where to find him, and he had no friends who’d bother to look.

Making sure he had a weapon to hand, he cautiously opened the door. He just stood there for a second, not quite believing his eyes, his cousin was the last person he’d expected to see. “Tara?” He pulled her into a tight hug, barely noticing she wasn’t alone.

She let herself just enjoy it for a moment, she’d missed Lindsey so much, he was the only one of her relatives who’d ever truly cared about her. But after a few minutes of being held safely in his arms she pulled back. “Lindsey, this is Xander, my friend.”

Her voice was trembling and Lindsey noticed how carefully she said ‘my friend.’ With a sort of emphasis that gave the simple words a gravity that spoke of much deeper feelings. The boy didn’t look anything special, dark hair and eyes, attractive enough if you liked that type. But knowing Tara as he did, Lindsey didn’t think that her interest in the boy was romantic. The hand that took his was shaking, and the boy only offered a mumbled greeting.

“Linds….s..s..something happened in Sunnydale. Something bad, we n..n..need your help.”

Stepping to one side, Lindsey motioned them into the house. As he followed them through to the living room, he concentrated on watching their body language. Everything about them screamed tension; from their tightly clamped hands to the way they constantly leant against each other, as though they desperately needed the support.

But it was the look in their eyes that really worried him, haunted and despairing, he’d never seen Tara look this broken. Even her family hadn’t been able to cause her this much heartache. Settling down opposite them, he waited to listen their story. Already knowing that he wasn’t going to like hearing it. Knowing, with complete certainty, that something dreadful had to have happened for Tara to be here, asking for his help.

tbc……….
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Out Of Memory, Loss