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After Death	By : addielogan Category: Angel the Series > Het - Male/Female > Angel(us)/Cordelia > Angel(us)/Cordelia Views: 3020 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Angel: The Series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 7
- 8
When Angel woke again, it was already night.
Cordelia was asleep in his arms, and he kissed the top of her head before
getting out of the bed, trying not to wake her. He got dressed quietly, finding
a new shirt to replace the one he'd ruined earlier and went downstairs.
Angel stopped short when he noticed someone
standing in the lobby. "Connor?"
Connor turned around, facing Angel.
"Why is there an open grave out there? My friends' fathers have pools in
their yards�mine has a grave."
"It's a long story," Angel
replied. "What are you doing here? Didn't think I'd see you back so
soon."
"I've been doing some thinking since I
left," Connor replied. "Went to my girlfriend's house. Turns out
she's not an employee of Hell, Inc.
like my 'family,' but she does now think I'm insane and will call the cops if I
come back. So much for a three year relationship� Or, I guess, a year, since most of that was just fake
memories anyway. Maybe that's why everything with her had seemed so off lately.
She only loved me because some spell picked her out and assigned her to me or
something. Not that it really matters now."
Angel hadn't been aware that Connor had had
a girlfriend. He realized then just what it meant that he had given Connor a
new life�his own son was a virtual stranger. "What happened to make her
react like that?" Angel asked.
"I told her everything. The truth. If
that's even what it is anyway. I'm not even sure what that word means
anymore," Connor replied.
"You know I'm sorry, don't you, Connor?
I had no idea that Wolfram and Hart were going to do this," Angel said.
"No, you didn't look closely enough to
see, but that doesn't matter either. Not anymore. I can't� I can't do anything
about my past. It's too much of a mess, too many things are mixed up. The new
memories are piled on top of the old, and it feels like the time when I was
your son was a lifetime ago." Connor saw the look of pain that went across
Angel's face and said quickly, "Not that I don't consider you my father, because
I do. Don't have much of a choice there�you're the only family I've got. But I
just�don't know where I fit anymore. I did once, but that was all a lie, and
now I know I never have."
"We can figure it all out, Connor. So
much has changed�we can do a better job this time."
Connor shook his head. "I don't think
that will work. Maybe my place is here with you. I don't know. But I won't know
that for sure if I just stay here. And I know this sounds entirely clich�d, but
I need to find myself."
Angel nodded, knowing there was no way he
could make Connor stay. He'd given up his son when he'd made the devil's deal
with Wolfram and Hart�a decision he kept regretting more and more. But at least
Connor didn't seem quite as angry as he had the last time he'd seen him. He
just looked�tired. "Do you need anything? Money?"
"No. My fake parents still had money in
their accounts. I took it out."
"Connor, money from Wolfram and Hart,
in any form, is�"
Connor held up his hand. "Angel,
don't."
The fact that Connor wasn't calling him
"Dad" was not lost on Angel. "All right. Just� Keep in touch.
Please. I want to know that you're okay."
"Yeah, because you've really cared
about that so much in the past."
"Connor�"
"I'll send you a post card,"
Connor said. "Maybe I'll make a phone call. Just don't�" He stopped,
paling when he saw who was coming down the stairs. "Cordelia?"
"Hey, Connor."
"I thought�" Connor swallowed.
"I thought you were dead."
"I was. I got better."
Angel glanced between his son and the woman
who was now his lover. He knew now that the woman he'd seen with Connor the
night of the rain of fire was not truly Cordelia, but the memory still stung.
He wasn't sure of was what Connor knew about it all or whether or not he still
had feelings Cordy.
Connor stared at her for a moment before he
finally spoke. "I'm sorry."
"It wasn't your fault," Cordelia
said.
"Some of it was," Connor replied.
"I shouldn't have let things go where they went with you, or her, or
whoever that was."
"She wasn't me."
"I figured." Connor realized now
that Angel's scent was on Cordelia and now, that he thought about it, hers was
on him, too. The memory of her scent had been pushed so far to the back of his
mind that he hadn't noticed it at first. He felt a small pang, but nothing like
what he would've expected. He'd had feelings for Cordelia, even before Jasmine
had taken her over, but he didn't think it had ever been love. He gave his
father an almost smile. "So that curse of yours�?"
Angel shifted uncomfortably. "Cordy
took care of it."
Connor quirked an eyebrow. "Uh huh. Well,
you two kids watch yourself�no jumping through portals in empty swimming pools.
I'm not sure me having any siblings would be a good idea."
Angel started to respond. "Connor, I�"
"No, it's cool. Really," Connor
said. "You love her. She loves you. I'm happy for your both. What happened
last year�it wasn't real. I know that." He cleared his throat, backing
away from them. "I'm gonna go now. Let you two get back to�catching
up."
"Where are you going to go?" Angel
asked.
Connor shrugged. "I don't know. Right
now it's pretty much just anywhere but here."
"You don't have to do this, you know.
You could�"
Cordelia put her hand on Angel's arm and he
grew silent. "Good luck, Connor," she said. "And we're here for
you, if you ever need anything."
"I know," Connor replied.
"See you around."
As Connor walked out of the hotel, Angel
wanted to go after him, but Cordelia tightened her grip on his arm. "Let
him go. This is something he needs to do."
"He's going to be all alone,"
Angel said.
"He'll make it," Cordelia promise.
"He's got some rough roads ahead, but I have a very strong feeling that
he's going to end up all right."
"So much of what's weighing on him is
my fault, Cordy. I should be helping him."
"The best way you can help him right
now is to let him go. He'll find where he's supposed to be."
"I'm worried about him."
"I know." Cordelia wrapped her
arms around Angel. "He won't stay gone forever. He's your son, and he does
love you. He just has a lot to try to work through right now."
"I feel like I've failed him," Angel
admitted softly.
"You didn't have an easy time with him,"
Cordelia said. "I'll be honest, some of the decisions you made regarding
Connor were probably not the best. Whether you spent the summer in a box or
not, leaving your child to fend for himself on the streets of L.A. is never
really a good way to establish a solid relationship with him." Angel
winced, and Cordelia reached up to stroke his cheek. "But parents aren't
perfect. They make mistakes just like everyone else. And after Connor came back
from Quar'toth, he was really messed up. Teenagers are hard enough to raise
without the emotional damage years in a hell dimension will cause."
"I still should've done it differently.
I relied too much on tough love, and I don't think that's what he needed."
"Hey. The important thing is that it
was love. That's what really matters, Angel�that you love your son."
Cordelia gave him a soft smile. "Connor knows you love him. And he's
hurting right now, but he does love you, too. He wouldn't have come back here
at all if he didn't."
Angel pulled slightly away from her.
"I've already missed so much of his life. Technically, I've missed out on
him growing up twice, and now he's gone again."
"He'll be back," Cordelia assured
him. "And someday, you'll get to watch your grandchildren grow up."
Angel looked at her sharply.
"Grandchildren?"
"Yes," Cordelia replied with a nod.
"I don't think it'll be for a while, but yeah, I do see grandkids in your
future." Cordelia frowned. "I can't really get a lot of details on
that one, though. Much of Connor's future is sort of�blocked or something. But
I definitely see him becoming a father himself someday."
"And he doesn't fight to keep the kids
away from their bloodsucking grandpa?"
Cordelia gave him a look. "No."
"So what now?" Angel asked with a
sigh. "I just sit around and wait for him to decide he's ready to have me
in his life again?"
"It's all you can do. Anything else
will just drive him further away." Cordelia glanced out towards the garden
before looking back at Angel. "And in the meantime, you think maybe you
could do something about that hole out there? It's kinda creeping me out."
Angel pulled Cordelia back into his arms.
"Yeah. I can do that."

***
*** ***
Angel packed the dirt down on top of the
grace. It had felt strangely therapeutic as he'd reburied Cordelia's body, as
if he was literally putting the past to rest.
He wasn't going to lie to himself anymore.
The truth hurt, but it was easier to just give in and face it. Maybe that way
he could move past the pain he felt now and work towards something better for
the future. He hadn't been the Champion he should've been. As much as he hated
to admit it�and he knew he would never speak the words out loud�he knew why the
Powers had chosen Spike instead of him.
For Angel, the soul had never been something
he wanted. It had been a burden�a curse.
He hadn't paid much attention to it when he'd been alive, and he hadn't missed
it when he died. Getting it back had felt like a cruel twist of fate, a
punishment. He had often times felt sorrier for himself having to live with the
memories of his victims than he'd felt for the victims themselves. He'd allowed
himself to wallow in filth and self-pity until the possibility of redemption
had been presented to him. That had been the only time in a century of having
his restored soul that he'd really attempted to be any sort of Champion. And
then, it had still been all about him. The people he saved had rarely seemed
like people at all. They were just another check in his plus column.
But the plusses could never outweigh the
minuses. Those scales could never balance out. He'd done what he'd done, and
that couldn't be changed. A saved life now didn't erase one taken in the past. That
wasn't what being a Champion was all about.
It was about giving yourself over to others�about
sacrifice.
In all honesty, he wasn't sure it was
something he was capable of.
He felt Cordelia come up behind him,
wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her chin on his shoulder.
"See? Isn't that much better?"
Angel dropped the shovel. "Yeah, it
is."
"I gotta say, I much prefer me when I'm
not a smelly rotten corpse."
"Me, too."
"We should plant something there. Make
it prettier than a big pile of dirt. Flowers�not jasmine."
"No, not jasmine," Angel agreed.
Cordelia kissed his shoulder. "You're
not going to have to so this all alone, you know. I'm here for you, no matter
what. I'll help you find your path, and I'll help you stay there."
"I'm not sure I can do it," Angel
admitted.
"You can. I know it."
Before Angel could respond, the phone began
to ring back in the lobby. "Someone's calling? Now?"
"Yep. We're back in business,"
Cordelia replied. "Grab your weapons, champ."
Angel followed Cordelia into the Hyperion as
she hurried to the phone, picking it up.
"Angel Investigations, we help the
helpless."

***
*** ***
That's the end. Please review and let me
know what you thought.
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After Death