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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
I am so glad it’s Friday. What? Were you expecting me to say TGIF? I don’t talk like that. I try to avoid those types of language stereotypes. Especially the ones we teenagers are prone to. The three biggest ones that everyone is guilty of saying every once in a while is: like, due, and totally. The next biggest one is whatever. That one I do use sometimes. I try not to but saying that is better than saying what I really want to sometimes.
“Earth to Buffy,” I hear Xander say. I look over and both he and Willow are staring at me. I guess one of them asked me a question. I haven’t been paying attention to their conversation for the last five minutes or so. I’ve been too busy thinking about Faith. The way her eyes lit up and sparkled when we were talking last night is something I won’t forget. It’s like she was starved for someone who has the same interests.
“I’m sorry,” I tell them and put my sandwich down. It’s not like I’m hungry. At least not for food. They’re both looking at me like they want me to explain why I zoned out on them. I have to lie obviously. I can’t just tell them I’ve been thinking about Faith’s eyes for the last seven minutes. “It’s just…Giles still hasn’t figured out why those vamps are turning little girls. Maybe if he can figure out why they’re being turned I can stop it from happening. And there haven’t been any reports of missing kids or anything so far.”
“But that’s a good thing, right? No missing kids means no dead kids. I really don’t see the problem with that, Buff.” Sometimes Xander just doesn’t get it. He’s right. It is a good thing, but there’s more to it than that. Hopefully I’ll be able to explain it. Otherwise I might get frustrated. It’s just one of those days. Great, now I sound like Fred Durst.
“That is a good thing Xander, but if the vamps aren’t out turning people like they normally do then what are they doing? I highly doubt they’re sitting in their nest and playing boggle all day. I think they’re planning something, something big.” I sigh a very frustrated sigh and shift in my seat. The dream I had last night has been haunting me all day, and it’s really hard to sit still.
“Maybe you’re just getting restless,” Willow says and I give her a strange look. “From what you said it sounds like it’s been really quiet slaying wise. Maybe if you spar with Faith a little more often it’ll take the edge off.” Oh I know what’ll take the edge off. I just can’t do it because not only does Faith have a boyfriend but she’s straight. You don’t stay with a guy for four years if you’re not straight.
“She told Giles she can only come in on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I don’t know why but that’s what she said so obviously she isn’t interested.” I know that’s not true. I asked Faith about it last night and she told me that Tanner doesn’t have to be at work until six on Tuesdays and Thursdays so he watches Sam while she comes to the school and spars. I can’t tell them that though. I promised Faith I wouldn’t.
“What could she be so busy with?” Taking care of a three-year-old. But Willow obviously doesn’t know that. “She’s new in town, it’s not like she has to work or anything. She never said anything about having a job.” Then Willow gets this weird look on her face and I know she’s going to say something mean. “Maybe she’s a stripper. That would make a lot of sense.” I know why Willow doesn’t like Faith, but she really needs to fuck off.
“What is with you?” You can bet your ass I sound really pissed off. Just because Xander has a think for Faith it doesn’t mean she can be a bitch to her. “Faith hasn’t done anything to you. Just because a lot of people think she’s hot it doesn’t mean she’s a big slut bomb. And even if she was a stripper it wouldn’t matter. At least she would be earning her money legally instead of stealing it.” Both of them are looking at me like I’ve grown a second head, but I don’t care.
“Take it easy Buff. Willow didn’t mean anything by it.” Oh yes she did. She hates Faith and I highly doubt that’s going to change. “But you have to admit it’s a little weird. Faith’s only been here for two almost three weeks and already she’s too busy to train. What is she doing that’s so important?” She’s taking care of her kid! I want to scream that at the top of my lungs but I can’t. The fact that I can’t is starting to frustrate me.
“I don’t know Xander.” I hate having to lie to them. “But we shouldn’t judge her. When she’s ready to tell us what she does all day then she’ll tell us.” I really need to learn to keep my emotions in check. It probably couldn’t be any more obvious that I like Faith right now. Well, it could. I could get a sharpie and write ‘I heart Faith’ across my forehead. Only instead of the word heart I would draw one. Ok, I think we need to change the subject.
“I can’t go to the Bronze with you guys tomorrow. My mom is still mad about me ditching those two classes. Maybe next weekend we can do something.” They look a little put off and I don’t blame them. I mean, I did just yell at Willow and now I’m saying I can’t go to the Bronze. They probably think I’m making it up because I’m still mad. And I am still mad, but that’s not why I don’t want t go to the Bronze. I’m not going because Faith, Sam and Tanner are coming over for dinner.
I’m really nervous about it. From what Faith said Tanner is really hot. I don’t know if I can handle that. Seeing them together is going to be hard enough. It’s just…if Tanner is so great then why would Faith choose me over him? And I know that kind of thinking is insane, but I can’t help it. I think I really am falling for Faith, and I barely know her.
I want to get her know her more, but at the same time I don’t. I’m afraid that if I get to know her even more then I’ll be in full blown love with her. Not just like her, not just crushing on her, but head over heels, standing outside her bedroom window with a boom box over my head in love with her. I know that love is supposed to be this great thing that makes you happy, and silly, and act a little crazy. But she doesn’t love me, and even if she did she has a boyfriend and a baby.
Well, actually the thought of the baby doesn’t freak me out. Sam is so cute, and well behaved. And I know I sound like I’m describing a dog or something, but it’s true. Sure after dinner she started getting a little fussy and whiney, but that’s because she wasn’t feeling too good. The medicine was starting to wear off. Faith started stressing out and it only made things worst. My mom ended up rocking Sam to sleep while Faith and I sat on the couch.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make is the thought of dating a girl with a kid doesn’t freak me out at all. I think it would be kind of fun. I’m not ready to be a mom, and helping Faith take care of Sam would take a lot of getting used to but it would definitely be worth it. And I can picture us lying bed together just cuddling and talking. Me using Faith as a pillow while we talk about nothing in particular. And then Sam would run into the room because of a nightmare and snuggle up to both of us and fall asleep in our arms.
“Buffy are you feeling alright?” I hear Willow ask. I forgot they were there. I have got to stop thinking about Faith. It’s starting to get obsessive. “You keep zoning out on us. Is there anything you need to talk about?” Oh just the fact that I’m having sexual thoughts about a girl I barely know, I just fantasized about living together and raising her child, and I think I’m going insane. But instead I reply with:
“No, I’m fine. I think I’m catching what Faith is coming down with.” They give each other a look and I know they don’t believe me. And, ok, I am lying to them but that’s not the point. The point is I have a lot of stuff floating around my head and I don’t need them adding to my stress. I really don’t need this right now. “I hope I don’t get it too bad. Last time I got sick I had to go the hospital.” I would get up and leave but I don’t have anywhere else to go.
“Yeah that would be bad,” Willow says and I take a bite of my sandwich. I’m not hungry but at least this way I don’t have to talk. I would rather be by myself right now because there’s a lot of stuff I need to think about. But I can’t just get up and leave. I guess I have to wait until after school until I can be alone so I can think. “Oh look Buffy. Scott Hope is heading this way.” Please no.
I look over and yep Willow was right. Scott is a nice, cute guy who I know is interested in me. We have chemistry together and I’ve heard him talking to his friend who’s name I can’t remember. They weren’t talking loud, but with my slayer hearing I picked up a good portion of the conversation. He wants me, there’s no doubting that. He wants to date me, wants to sleep with me, and wants me to have his kids. Although we won’t have children until we’re married and in our late twenties. At least that’s what he said.
“Hi Buffy,” he says with a very charming smile. I smile back but I’m just trying to be polite. Don’t get me wrong I like Scoot, I think he’s funny, and really cute but I’m not interested in him in a romantic way. I’m sure one day he’ll make someone very happy. He’s obviously a commitment kinda guy, but I doubt that someone is going to be me.
“Hey Scott. What are you up to on this find Friday afternoon?” Wow, I really just said that, didn’t I? I may not like the guy but I don’t want to look like a dork. He doesn’t seem to mind though. He smiles and shifts from one foot to the other.
“Oh not much. Just walking around, taking time to notice the little things that make this school great. So far I haven’t found anything.” I laugh a little and he takes a step forward. “Then I saw you so I thought I’d mosey on over and say hi.” I’m about to say something but Willow bests me to it.
“Xander didn’t we tell Mr. Anderson we’d be in class a little early today?” Oh God no. They’re going to just leave me here. Before Xander can say anything Willow grabs onto his arm and starts walking away, practically dragging him behind her. “We’ll see you later Buffy. Don’t forget to study for that English test on Monday.” She yells that as she’s walking away. Now it’s just Scott and me. I love Willow in a sisterly way, but sometimes I don’t like her.
“Have a seat,” I tell him and scoot over on the bench so there’s more room. I’m practically falling off the edge but I don’t care. I don’t want to sit close to him because I don’t want him getting the wrong impression. I’m sure he already thinks I’m interested because of the little smiles and the fact that I asked him to sit down with me, but I’m not. I could be but right now is confusing enough without having a boyfriend to think about.
“I didn’t mean to run your friends off. I just wanted to talk to you.” I go to say something but he keeps talking. I can tell by his body language that he’s getting nervous. I really hope he doesn’t ask me out. “I’ve been asking around a little bit, and the word around the water cooler is that you’re single.”
“Wait, there’s a water cooler at Sunnydale High?” He’s looking at me like I’ve gone retarded or something. I hate it when people look at me like that. It usually means I’ve put my foot in my mouth or something. Most of the time they’re right but I’ll never admit that out loud.
“We don’t that I know of. It’s just an expression.” I totally knew that. He probably thinks I’m an idiot now. That’s just great. What, why do I care? It’s not like I want to date him. “Anyway, someone did tell me that you just got out of a pretty serious relationship, so I was just wondering if you would like to be friends with a potential for something more?” I can’t believe this.
“The person who told you that, did she have red hair, green eyes, about my height, and has a knack for studying.” He gives me a very guilty look and nods his head yes. Aww, he looks so cute right now. Dammit, focus. “Scott, you seem like a really great guy, but I’m not so sure if I’m ready for a potential for something more. It isn’t just wounds that need to heal. I have some other things going on too.” He pulls a little slip of paper out of the pocket on his shirt.
“Ok, I understand that, and I’m not trying to be stubborn.” Really? ‘Cause it seems like it. “But just in case your wounds heal, and you suddenly have nothing to do then give me a call.” He hands me that paper and I take it. “I’ll see you around.” He gets up and walks away and I don’t say anything. This is the first time I’ve ever talked to him outside of class and he gave me his number. He’s bold I’ll give him that.
So what am I supposed to do? Ok there’s option one. Option one is throwing the number in the trash, and telling Scott that thing just won’t work out because I’m too preoccupied with other things. In that situation I sound like a selfish bitch. It’ll be harsh, there’s no denying that, but it could be for the best.
Option two is giving up on this ridiculous idea that Faith is going to dump her boyfriend of four years and date a girl she’s known for almost three weeks who has nothing to offer. I still live with my mom, I don’t have a job, and I can’t drive. Oh yeah, I sound like a real winner. This is obviously the saner of the two options but I’m having a very hard time deciding.
Wait a second. Why am I only giving myself two options? These are my options. If I want the option of saying ‘screw this’ and running away to New York then I’ll keep that door open. So here it goes. I’m going to give myself a third option. I’m going to keep the number and maybe go out on a date or two with Scott, and if absolutely nothing happens with Faith then I’ll let go of that fantasy. Now if I could only figure out how I’m going to get Willow back for giving Scott the inside scoop on me then today would be perfect.
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Know Who I Am