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Out Of Memory, Loss	By : pixel2817 Category: AtS/BtVS Crossovers > Slash - Male/Male > Angel(us)/Xander > Angel(us)/Xander Views: 5977 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS or AtS. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
- 8
Author: pixel
Title:Out of Memory, Loss.
Part:7/?
Pairing: Xangel
Rating: NC17
Feedback: always welcome
Concrit much appreciated and possibly needed
Disclaimer: Anything you recognise is still owned by Joss et al ~ anything new is mine.
Warnings/Squicks: Willow bashing, violence, light BDSM, bloodplay

Beta(s): don’t have one
Distribution: hell, if anyone wants it just take it. Just drop me a line so I can take a look.

Summary :- This came from a couple of plot bunnies/challenges I saw awhile back. I’m sorry I don’t remember where, but thanks for the ideas.

1)Tabula Rasa wasn’t the first time Willow cast memory spells on Xander, and they all broke with the crystal.
2)Xander has left Sunnydale at some previous point and they had no idea where he’d gone. Willow calls AI for help and Xander answers the phone.

This is set post Tabula Rasa BTVS and Ats Season 3 up to Billy, Darla never comes back and there is no Connor, mainly ‘cos he just doesn’t fit this story.

Getting Away

Sunnydale Eighteen Months Previously, Tabula Rasa

Xander and Tara had barely registered arriving at his apartment; they were standing just inside the door, still holding onto each other’s hands, afraid to let go even for a moment. They were both still getting new memory flashes and the only way they could feel connected with the real world was the hold they had on each other. Neither wanted to talk about what had happened, but they knew they’d have to; eventually it was Xander who broke the silence. “Maybe we should sit down or something, kinda nuts just standing here.”

Tara nodded her head slightly but still didn’t speak as Xander led her to the couch and they sat down. “Tara do you want something to drink?”

Again the small nod, but when Xander made to let go of her hand and go into the kitchen, Tara held on tight. In the end they went together, moving awkwardly around the small space as Xander grabbed soft drinks and glasses. When they were settled back on the couch, Xander tried again; but before he could say more than her name, Tara began to cry. Great shuddering sobs ripping through her body, she buried her face in Xander’s chest and all he could do was hold on tight. Try to help her the only way he could, whispering soft words of comfort and rubbing gentle circles on her back.

Eventually the tears dried up and Tara’s trembling body stilled, she didn’t look up from Xander’s chest, but she did begin to talk, hesitantly at first, then in a great rush. Her voice was oddly emotionless as she told him what she’d seen.

“I think I fell in love with Willow the first time our magic touched. It was the night the Gentlemen attacked; I’d seen her before, at the Wicca group, but we’d never talked. I remember running from the monsters, Willow had hurt her ankle and I was so sure they were going to get us. We sort of fell through a door and just sat there, Willow had this look on her face; pure concentration, that’s when I realised she really did have magic. She was trying to move this vending machine in front of the door, but she couldn’t even shift it an inch. I took her hand and tried to show her what to do, but she just accessed my power and used it to boost her own; that damn machine practically flew across the room. I felt this connection, so intense,like I’d found my other half. I always remember how that moment felt, even when I forgot so much else.

Willow could barely levitate a pencil for more than a minute or two back then, whereas I had a lot more power. For the last couple of years she’s been getting steadily stronger, while my powers got weaker and weaker. I remember now that I’d notice not being able to do something with magic, then I’d talk to Willow about it, sometimes I’d even figure out what she was doing; but then I’d confront her and she’d just make the memory go away. Same conversation, same accusations, over and over, and I never remembered it happening before. She used the power she stole from me to control me, to keep me from stopping her, or leaving her.

Every time I got on to her about the way she was relying on her magic for everything, she just made me forget. I broke up with her Xander, so many times; when I saw how she was abusing her gifts, how she was ignoring the costs of using magic all the time, I didn’t want to be around her. Magic is a gift, it has to be respected and what she was doing went against everything I’d been taught about the craft. I couldn’t be with someone who had so little respect for everything I believed in.

I remember I worked it out once, about the memory spells, god I was so angry. I never thought she’d do it again once I knew; I was so stupid, I thought I could protect my self. I yelled at her that time, told her that she disgusted me, that I never wanted her to touch me again. An hour later I was lying in her arms, I can’t even figure out how many times that happened. It’s like a tape in my head got stuck, playing the same scene over and over again. I told her I didn’t want to be with her, that I didn’t want her hands on me; but she wanted me, so she used magic to make me stay.”

Xander couldn’t speak, couldn’t bring himself to say out loud the word that was flashing like a neon sign in his head. RAPE, what Willow had done was tantamount to raping Tara. His Willow, who he’d always thought was the gentlest person he knew, had forced the woman she was supposed to love to share her bed against her will. Had stolen Tara’s power, and used it to abuse her. Even after everything he’d been forced to remember, everything Willow had done to him; this was worse, much, much worse. Unable to trust his voice, he just tightened his arms around her and waited for Tara to continue.

“When you guys went to fight ADAM, I wanted to come with you; I thought I could help, maybe watch over you while you did the joining; but she cast a spell to make me sleep. I think that was the first time she used magic against me; I know she was probably just trying to keep me safe, but she took away my right to make that decision for myself. Then afterwards, when I told her how angry I was, she took away my memories of the whole thing.

After Glory, she knew how fragile I was; losing myself in my mind like that was terrifying. Part of me was aware all the time, screaming and begging for help, but nobody could hear me. She knew that, knew how badly I was messed up by it, but she kept right on screwing with my mind. She was using more and more magic, so we argued more often and she just wiped every one of those fights from my mind. She says she loves me, but that isn’t it; it’s like she needs to own me, like I’m her property or something. It’s so scary that she doesn’t seem to understand that I have the right to leave her. I make her happy, so she seems to think that it doesn’t matter what she does to get me to stay; after all I seem happy too, ‘cos I don’t ever get to remember all the crap she pulls.

Then she started in on the resurrection spell, we were both against that. You got me to do the soul spell and we found Buffy in heaven. I guess we both lost a lot of the same memories about then. How could she do that, be so arrogant? I could understand if she really thought Buffy was in hell; I mean I still wouldn’t have wanted Willow doing dark magic, but I would have understood why she felt she needed it so badly. But Buffy was in heaven; God Xander we showed Willow how happy Buffy was, how she was at peace. How could she do that? How could she think that her need for her friend was so important that it didn’t matter what she did to Buffy? And Anya….Oh God Xander…..What Willow did….”

Xander’s body went instantly rigid, and his arms tightened almost painfully around Tara. “No.”

“Xander we have to talk about it, face what happened.”

“What I let happen.”

“No!, Xander you didn’t let anything happen. You tried everything to stop it; we both did. Neither of us stood a chance against the compulsion. That night….”

“Tara no, I can’t…..not yet. I know we’re going to have to deal, but right now I can’t. If I try, I’m gonna fall apart and we can’t afford to do that. Willow will be back to full strength soon enough and it doesn’t look like Buffy’s going to believe anything we have to say. We need to figure out what we’re gonna do, before we wind up forgetting all this again. Please Tara, just let it go until we’re safe.”

“Safe……I’m not sure I’m ever going to feel safe again. How can I trust anything I feel, anything I remember? My mind isn’t my own any more. Even now, it’s all so jumbled and I can’t tell for sure which bits are real and which bits Willow shoved in there to fill the gaps. Did I ever truly love her? Or was this all her, right from the start?”

“I wish I could tell you, but I feel the same way; she’s been messing with me for years, long before we met you. All I can hold onto right is the fact that we know what she did. I’m never going to give her the chance to do that again and I think that means we’re going to have to leave town, at least for a while. Once we get away, then we can start worrying about how we’re gonna fix the mess in our heads.”

“We’re going to run away?”

“Think of it more like a strategic retreat; Tara I don’t want to leave any more than you do, but I can’t think of any other way to stop this happening again.”

“What about the others? Can we really just leave them with her?”

“I’d like to take Dawn with us, but if we tried that Buffy would move heaven and earth to get her back. We can’t risk it. All I can think to do is to tell Spike what’s been going on before we leave. Willow’s memory spells should only be able to affect him for a short while, before wearing off. Right?”

“How did you know that?”

“Contrary to popular opinion, I am sometimes awake during the research stuff and I remember Giles telling us that the magics didn’t usually work so well on vamps because they’re dead, and magic relies on the connection with the earth, a kind of life to life thing.”

“So you figure if we tell Spike what’s been happening, he’ll be able to look after the others?”

“He lived with a crazy vampire witch for over a century, he’ll know how to watch Willow, and I know he’ll do whatever it takes to protect Buffy and Dawn.”

“He won’t be able to fight her, between her magic and his chip, he’d be dust if he tried.”

“One thing about Spike, he’s a survivor; if he figures Willow’s going over the edge, he won’t try and take her on; he’ll just get himself and the others the hell out of town. My guess is he’d take them straight to Angel and they should be safe enough there.”

“Where should we go? Do you have any ideas?”

“Not really, my brain got as far as, away from Sunnydale, but beyond that I just don’t know.”

“I might have an idea; I’ve got a cousin, from my mother’s side, he knows all about magic so he wouldn’t think we’re crazy. He lives just south of LA, so we’d be far enough away for Willow to not be able to sense us; but close enough to get back if we’re needed.”

“If we’re needed?”

“I think you’re right about Spike, but just in case he can’t handle things, I thought we could give him a way of contacting us, just in an emergency. We’d only come back if there was no other choice and we were sure we’d found a way to keep Willow out of our heads.”

“Yeah, I like the sound of that; it’d be easier to leave Dawnie here, if I know there’s a way for them to get us if they need us.”

“And my cousin, he’s got a lot of contacts and stuff through his old job. I bet he knows somebody who could help us, or maybe he could do it himself; he doesn’t practice much, but my mom taught him the craft too.”

“Are you sure he’s not gonna mind the two of us just showing up like this?”

“No Lindsey’s great, he’s always been there for me when my dad got too much. Besides he just quit his job so it’s not like we’re going to be disrupting his life too much.”

“I’d say we should leave now, but I’m not sure I could keep a car on the road, I’m so wiped out. What say we try and get some sleep, then check in with Spike first thing and hit the road before Buffy decides to come over and check on us?”

“Ok, though tired as I am, I’m not sure I want to sleep. Every time I close my eyes……”

“I know, me too. But we have to try, last thing we need is to get into a wreck because we’re too tired to drive. Come on I’ll get you some blankets and stuff for the spare room.”

“Xander, d.d.do you mind if we sh.sh.share?” Suddenly Tara’s stutter was back and her voice had lost the calm surety from earlier. Now she sounded like a child, frightened and in pain. “I don’t think I can be alone right now.”

“Of course not; I don’t really want to be alone either.”

They curled up on the bed together, still wrapped in each other’s arms. Eventually they both slept, but their night was anything but peaceful, all their restored memories kept playing through their minds, over and over again. They were both woken countless times by the other screaming in their sleep; all they could do was hold onto each other as tight as they could and pray that they’d be able to find a way to cope.

tbc…….
- 6
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Out Of Memory, Loss