Adult-FanFiction.org : Buffy

Buffy Mary Sue	By : Scribe Category: BtVS AU/AR > Het - Male/Female Views: 2050 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 6
- 7
Chapter Seven
Exposition Is a Bitch
"I need a shower." Xander leaned his head toward his own shoulder and sniffed. "I'm afraid that I'm less than fresh." He smacked his lips, making a sour face. "And I need to brush my teeth and gargle--possibly with bleach."

"Getting black-out drunk isn't notorious for promoting good hygiene," said Mozell. "And from the looks of your clothes, dusting vampires in an enclosed area is grubby work. But I tell you, Xander--I had a look at that bathroom. I think you'd be safer seeing if there's a garden hose out there and sluicing off in the parking lot."

"Okay, the thing to decided now is whether I go home to shower, or to Giles' place? We're going to have to go to Giles' place anyway, and he's cross town from my place. His place is closer, but I need a change of clothes, too."

"Couldn't Giles lend you something?"

Xander opened his mouth, then closed it. "Okay, logically I know that he doesn't own nothing but tweeds. If he has any sloppy sweats I might fit into them, but the idea of Giles lounging around in baggy sweats is just... wrong."

"Make up your mind about our final destination, or I'm stealing your car for a donut run. I'm starving."

"Okay, that settles it. There's a Dunkin Donuts on the way to Giles'. Maybe we'd better pick up enough for the gang. I suspect that everyone is going to show up."

"Suits me." They went to drop the key off at the motel office. The same clerk was there, and he gave them a surprised look. "What?" said Mozell. "We didn't trash the place. We weren't upright long enough to do that."

"It's just that I didn't expect you to check out until the last minute. I figured that you'd need that long to... uh..."

"I'm an alcoholic--I recover quickly," said Mozell, laying down the key. She glanced over to where Xander was propping the wall up, looking like he desperately wanted a pair of dark glasses and a couple of aspirin. "Now, excuse me while I get my companion to an emergency room before he succumbs to acute hang over."

They stopped at the donut shop, and Mozell held out her hand. "Fork over some cash, and I'll go in. You may be all right to drive, but I'm not sure you're sober enough yet for something as complicated as ordering the right mix of donuts."

"The last woman I had breakfast with was Cordelia, and she had yogurt with sunflower seeds, dry toast, and grapefruit juice."

"She'd have probably bought bagels. Let's just be glad she isn't here." As she started to get out, she said, "Where is she, by the way?"

"Los Angeles."

"And Oz is still here? Damn. I'm not going to be able to count on canon to know what's going on."

"Canon?"

"We'll discuss it later. Back in a flash." She returned in a little while, carrying a VERY large box, and balancing a couple of cups. When he blinked she said, "There are going to be a pretty good number of people there--you, me, Giles, I know Buffy and Willow, and probably Oz."

"Yeah, but you look like you have enough donuts there to stock a Red Cross station."

"I had to be sure that there were enough Boston Cream and Bavarian Cream filled, because I intend to snag at least three of whatever assortment of those bad boys I can get. Take the small cup. I got you coffee, and myself a coke. I figured we'd both need caffeine, and I wasn't sure if you were up to carbonation this early in the day."

"There's such a thing as too early for carbonation?"

"I really like you."

They drove to Giles' house, and took up positions sitting on his front steps. Mozell passed over sugar and creamers to Xander, then as he fixed his coffee, she opened the box on her lap and surveyed the contents. "I just realized--most of these are powdered sugar coated, and I'm wearing black." She hesitated, then said, "Screw it. I have more serious things to worry about than whether or not people think I have dandruff."

They were both working on their first donut when a car pulled up and Buffy and Willow got out. They both looked surprised. As they walked up to the steps, Buffy said, "Xander, what are you doing here this early?"

Xander and Mozell exchanged looks, then chorused, "Having breakfast."

Willow bent over the box. "Wow, what a selection." Willow selected a pink frosted donut--with sprinkles.

"I figured you'd want that one," said Mozell. "Or else the raspberry jelly. Buffy, there's a plain cake one in the corner." Buffy had been reaching for just that donut. Now she stopped, glaring at Mozell, then grabbed another one. Mozell said, "Coconut? I only got that one because the clerk was trying to get rid of them." Buffy stared at the donut, obviously reconsidering. Mozell held up the box. "G'wan. We just won't tell Giles or Oz that you already touched that one." Buffy defiantly took a bite. "Don't worry. I'm sure that Giles has some dental floss you can use to get the shreds out of your teeth." Oz showed up a few minutes later and chose a walnut-crunch, and a lemon custard. Mozell expressed approval for his 'think ahead' attitude in taking his second choice before someone could beat him to it.

One of Giles' next door neighbors (a thin middle aged woman) came out to pick up her morning paper, and paused, seeing the group. She'd already thought that Giles was a bit suspect, given the frequent comings and goings of young people. This time the group seemed to have acquired a kind of den mother--a woman at least ten or twelve years older than any of them. When the woman saw the neighbor staring she waved and said, "You're too late for any of the good ones. All we have left is a strawberry cake and a rather squashed, and I suspect stale, glazed." The neighbor went back in without responding, moving so quickly that one would think that Mozell had offered her the choice of crack or meth. Buffy was staring at her, and Mozell shrugged, "I bet she eats whole bran cereal with skim milk and Saccharine."

"You're the strangest non-supernatural, uncertified person I've ever met," Buffy accused.

"Thank you."

Buffy's eyes narrowed, and she poked at Mozell's shoulder. "I want to know exactly what's going on--now."

Mozell's eyes narrowed right back. "Look, Shinylocks--I know that you've got the whole Slayer-enhanced physical abilities and fighting skills thing going on, but if you keep poking me, I'm going to do something that will force you to hurt me. Giles won't like it, and your friends here will think you're being bitchy."

Buffy gaped, and looked quickly among her friends. Oz shrugged and Willow bit her lip, but Xander said, "Actually yeah--I would."

"Xander!"

"Oh, come on, Buff. She's obviously in some sort of crappy situation, and she hasn't done anything to lead us to believe that she has unwholesome intentions. If she had, I'd have probably either been molested or eaten last night." Buffy started to ask a question. "I don't want to talk about it. I have SOME private life, you know. The point is that she's actually been helpful, so you shouldn't be treating her like the prime suspect in a crime spree. I do agree on one part. I, also, am vitally interested in what the heck is going on here. She's told me a few things that give me some suspicions."

"And I'm perfectly willing to tell all that I know," said Mozell, "but I'm not going through it any more than I have to, so I'm waiting till we get everyone together."

"I'm not sure I want to wait that long," said Buffy.

"What? You can't hold off for two or three minutes?" Mozell pointed to the car that was turning into the drive way. Giles got out of the car, reached into the back seat, rummaged around, and carefully removed a small brown paper wrapped parcel. He started up the walk, and his steps slowed a little as he took in the group. He called, "Will one of you please unlock my door for me? I'd rather not let go of this thing till... I'd just rather not let go of it right now. The key is..."

The woman who'd been sitting in the midst of the group had also been examining the ground around the steps. She reached down, hand hovering along the line of stones used to rim Giles' bed of geraniums (red), then picked up a rock and turned it over. Removing a key from the bottom of what had been revealed as a plastic fake, she said, "You know, where I come from you can get those made out of actual stone, and they're much harder to detect. I'd invest." She stood up and handed the key to Xander. "Here. I know he told us to, but I'd still feel like I was breaking and entering. It was too easy."

As Xander unlocked and opened the door, Giles said, "Do I know you, Miss...?"

"If you don't know my name, I'd say it's highly likely that you don't know me." He blinked at her. "To answer your second question: yes, I am a smart ass. Shall we take this inside before the skinny broad--wait, I think that's an oxymoron. Before the old darling next door reports us for having a cult meeting, or something?"

"I'm going to be very interested to find out who you are," said Giles as they trooped into the house. "But that will have to wait for a moment." He walked into the kitchen, and the group followed. "Please stay out," he said, placing the parcel on the counted. They noticed that he kept one hand on the bundle, pressing it firmly to the counter top.

"I don't like that," muttered Mozell. "He's acting like he expects it to try to jump down and run off."

"It might," said Willow.

"But wouldn't it need air holes, then?"

"Vampires don't need ventilation," said Xander, "and they're pretty active."

"So what is it? A vampire guinea pig?"

"Will you lot please be quiet, so I can concentrate." As he spoke, he was lifting the lid of a canister with his free hand. He took a generous pinch of flour and sprinkled it on the package, muttering under his breath. Then he did the same thing with sugar, but the words sounded different. Finally he shook the salt shaker over it twice, thought for a moment, then did it again. Then, visibly tensed, he slowly took his hand off the bundle. When it remained quite still he sighed, shoulders relaxing.

When he started toward the doorway, Mozell said, "I hate to tell you this, but that breading is never going to stick when you fry that unless you put it through an egg wash."

"What on earth--?"

"I deal with stress through humor, and boy, am I stressed." She held out her hand. "Mozell Moseby, and you're Rupert Giles, once known to certain people as 'Ripper'."

Giles started visibly. "How did you know that?" His eyes narrowed. "Did Ethan Rain send you?"

"Answer one, we'll discuss that. Answer two, it's beginning to look like he might have. Believe me, it wasn't my idea." She pointed past him. "Is it safe to go in there? My fingers are tacky, and I'd like to wash them. You have a nice place here, and I'd feel guilty if I got sticky fingerprints all over."

Giles started to say something, glanced back at the bundle, then made shooing motions toward the living room. "There's a WC down the hall. Better safe than sorry."

As she started down the hall she called back over her shoulder, "That package--it wouldn't happen to be a plastic beach bucket and shovel, would it?"

Xander watched as Giles came as close as he ever did to gaping. "Okay, what's that about?"

"She couldn't possibly know about..." Giles muttered, "But if she DOES know about it..." He shook his head. "Surely the wards wouldn't have allowed her to cross the threshold. But then they don't keep out garden variety psychopaths or thugs..."

"I knew it," said Buffy. "Should I go neutralize her?"

"That's such a polite term for 'knock her unconscious, or break her neck--whichever comes first'," said Xander. "Giles--here's an expression I never thought I'd use to you--back off. I've said it before, I'll say it again for your benefit. She hasn't shown any hostile tendencies. She's helped. Give her a chance to explain. I, for one, am damn curious."

Giles sighed. "You're right, of course."

"And I bet that you never expected to say that to me."

Mozell came back into the living room. "Nice guest towels. Okay, is everybody ready for the exposition? Let's all get comfy. I long ago came to the conclusion that I'd be stupid to stand when I could sit." They all arranged themselves on the sofa and chairs. She said, "First thing, why don't one of you nice children--or even you, Buffy--tell him what happened back at that underground thingy?"

Oz spoke up. "We were taking out a nest of fledges. I was about to get munched. A big ass box appeared out of nowhere, she got out, and kept my butt from getting turned. Vamps dead, box disappeared, and she's stuck with us."

"Or we're stuck with her," said Buffy.

Giles looked expectantly at Mozell. She cleared her throat. "It all began in a galaxy far, far away..." She paused, then looked at Buffy. "That isn't going to get a snide comment from you?"

"Why?"

"Star Wars?"

She frowned. "That satellite weapons system the Department of Defense is pushing?"

She put her head in her hands briefly. "Oh, I am so far from home. Okay, lets start with the basics. You folks being who you are, you're comfortable with the concept of different dimensions, right?"

"I wouldn't say exactly comfortable with it," said Xander, "but mentioning it doesn't make us wonder where your keeper is."

"How do you feel about alternate realities?"

Buffy frowned. "What's the difference?"

"In other dimensions there doesn't necessarily have to be any resemblance to our own reality. Down could be up, there could be no such thing as gravity, the life forms could breath butterscotch pudding. In an alternate reality it's very like your own reality, but skewed. You know, 'what ifs'. What if Kennedy hadn't died? What if Benedict Arnold's betrayal had been successful? What if Jackie Collins was considered the height of literary brilliance, and was required reading?"

Giles was nodding. "One reason why time travel is to be frowned upon."

"Well, I believe that I've gotten into a sort of cross-pollination of interdimensional alternate reality. I want you to think about this--suppose that there was a different place, time, and world that produced a little movie called 'Buffy, the Vampire Slayer', which went on to be a kick-ass television blockbuster and hit that went way beyond cult status..."

About A Half-Hour Later

"...so I hit him with the only thing close to hand that would do damage--a burning torch--and BOY did it work," said Mozell. "The young'un finished them off, and then after I narrowly avoided getting spiked by Vapid the Impaler..."

"Hey!" said Buffy indignantly.

"Well, I'm sorry, but we hardly got off to a good start, did we? People wanting to kill me tend to tick me off. Everyone decided that the best thing would be to ask you what to do." She fell silent, looking at him expectantly, as did all the others.

Giles thought, then took off his glasses and polished them on his shirt. "Hm."

Mozell winced. "Oh, I don't like that."

"It's not as bad as all that, Miss Mozell, though I'll admit that it's by no means on the level of, say, running out of mustard when you want a ham sandwich."

"I think that's fairly serious, but do go on."

"You say that your employer's eyes seemed to change color--without artificial aid?"

"I'll go so far as to say they didn't seem to, but did. If I'd worked there another day or two I know I'd have been watching him, trying to catch them in the middle of a change."

"And his name is Ephraim Tempest," said Xander, with a significant twist to his tone. "Ephraim--Ethan. Rayne--Tempest. He must have laughed his ass off over that one."

"I have to agree with you on both counts, Xander. Yes, this IS Ethan Rayne, and yes, he probably DID have a good illicit chuckle over it. The bit about the eye color clinches it. He learned that trick before he became a Chaos mage, when he was about seventeen--used it when he chatted up ladies."

Buffy said, "Giles, you aren't really buying this, are you?"

"Buffy, my dealings with Ethan have been more extensive than yours, but I think just the Halloween and band candy incidents should be enough to make you receptive to this explanation."

Mozell elbowed Xander. "He shore do talk purty."

"And that's another thing," Buffy blurted. "She's acting flippant. She isn't taking this seriously."

Mozell stared at her, then suddenly slapped both hands to her cheeks and went, "Aaaaaaaarrrgh!"

Xander pointed at her. "Home Alone?"

"Hey, we DO have some points of reference."

"Totally deserved that Oscar it won."

"No, we don't. Anyway, Buffy, is that how I should act? Would it be more preferable for me to curl up in a corner and whimper, or should I just," she made her voice high pitched and nasal, "whiiiiine continually?" She let her voice drop into its normal register. "At least I don't cope by lashing out at anything that moves. So, Rupe, what say? Can you get me home?"

Silence. After a moment Willow said, "Giles, are you all right?"

"I'm just trying to get over being called Rupe."

"Yeah," said Buffy. "That was so disrespectful and... and familiar that you should..."

"The really shocking thing is that I liked it." Xander sat up, and Giles said quickly, "From her. I'm sorry Miss Moseby, but I can't think of a way to send you back--not right off the top of my head. We can always research, but for something like this our material is rather limited. We tend more toward volumes on hostile creatures."

Buffy opened her mouth, but before she could speak Mozell, not even looking at her, held up her hand in a STOP gesture. "Don't even say it. Believe me, you haven't seen me hostile. I'm being a model of restraint."

"We'll try, and I can always contact the Council for an interlibrary loan. Of course if we do that, it may take a week or two... or three."

"What am I supposed to do till then?" said Mozell, frowning. "I wasn't even solvent in my own world--I'm poverty level in this one."

"We'll work something out," said Giles. "I expect that I can afford to pay for some part time help at the Magic Box."

Mozell rolled her eyes, then said, "Don't get me wrong--it's very considerate of you, and I'm grateful. But I just got through working in a real-deal magic shop. The last time I had to run from something big, purple, clawed, I believe carnivorous, and definitely interested in my virginity. That is not a good combination."

"Oh, don't worry. I have wards on the store."

"Uh-huh. And you supposed that Rayne didn't?"

"Oh. Um... Well, I honestly think that the worst you'll have to worry about is a few vampires, and those only if you leave the store alone and after dark."

"You going to be paying me what Rayne was?"

"What was your salary?" She named the figure. "Oh, my. You know, I think he was expecting more from you than the operation of a cash register and a few smiles tossed out to the customers."

"I'm getting that impression." She sighed. "Okay, I didn't really expect to find two well paying jobs in a row. I have one conciliation--you're going to have to pay me in cash."

"Um, that might prove difficult."

"As difficult as explaining me to the Employment Commission when I can't present two valid forms of ID?"
- 6
- 7
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Buffy Mary Sue