Lost Letters

Title: Lost Letters

Author: Jennifer

Copyright (c) 2002 - 2003 by Jennifer Johnson

Distribution: If you would like to archive this somewhere, please ask my permission first!

Feedback: jennpurr@yahoo.com or willowtaralove@netzero.com Please, give me feedback. Good or bad. Feel free to tell me what you think. Or just post it here.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy/UPN/FOX and whoever else owns the rights. This is solely for my entertainment. Please do not copyright this story. All original characters belong to me.

F/F romance: If the idea and depiction of a same sex relationship bothers you, please do not read this story.

Pairings: W/T, X, B

Spoilers: None

Summary: Someone in Willow's family has died and she discovers a painful secret.

Rating: PG to NC-17. This part is 13, for angst.

Angst Level: Uh... 7?

My Thanks: To Danie. Thanks for being my beta/friend and for helping me out with all the suggestions. You truly are gifted for writing. I hope you continue to do so. And D, don't forget the catnip.

Dedication: To all the W/T fans. May we always keep Tara alive in our hearts.

Author's Notes: The timeline of this fic takes place 8 years after Tara left Willow in, "Tabula Rasa." She left Sunnydale and moved to LA. They have not spoken since that time. Willow moved out of Buffy's house and in with her parents until she graduated from College. Now, she has her own house and owns her own business.

Story Note: Guys, this is very angsty, but if you will hang in there through the whole story, I promise you it will be well worth it. If I make anyone cry, I am very sorry. Again, I'm sorry for the angst. Hang in there.



FIC: Lost Letters, Chapter 7
By: Jennifer



Willow awoke, the urgent need to empty her bladder was screaming at her. She groaned as her eyes opened. Her lids squinted, the sun catching her eyes. That was not a pleasant sensation.

Lifting her head, her right hand came up to her face, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She felt something brush against her bare stomach and looked down. Tara's thumb was making gentle caresses along her flesh, as she slept.

That's when everything registered. She was here, in her own bed, with the blonde sleeping beside her. They had made love through most of the day and night, yesterday, talking, as they reconnected. It had been amazing to be with Tara again. She had missed the experience, but soon realized that she still knew her lover well. Her brain had memorized everything about her; how she liked to be touched, kissed, and made love to. It was etched into her permanent memory.

Now, looking over at the other girl, a whole wave of emotions swept through her. Her brain was in overload. Question after question ringing in her ears. The biggest one: Was this real?

Her question was answered, when she felt Tara's thumb move again. The girl was still in a deep sleep; her caresses were subconscious, done without thought - without recollection.

Reaching down, she gently lifted her lover's hand off of her stomach and lowered it to the bed beside her. She gingerly moved her upper body to the right, letting Tara's head slide off of her shoulder and rest on the pillow.

The blonde whimpered at the loss of contact, but eventually settled back down, remaining in her dream state.

Willow looked down at her before turning to her dresser. Finding some clean clothes and underwear, she made her way to the bathroom. She needed a shower and time to think.

*****

Standing in front of her bathroom mirror, the redhead stared at her reflection, her eyes tracing the aging lines of her face. She wasn't 21 anymore. No. She was much older.

She was a new Willow, one that had faced her years alone. Well, she hadn't really been alone. She had, Buffy and Xander, her two best friends. They had helped her along the way, but that didn't change the fact that for the most part, her heart had coasted along, alone.

Not having anyone to call her own or anyone to love. That was by her choosing, though. She chose to be single. Willow could have had any girl that she wanted and there were many that had shown an interest. Many that had flirted their way into at least one night of fun and interesting conversation.

It was simple though. They never stood a chance, not with her anyhow. Her heart was somewhere else. It had been for the past 8 years.

She woke up alone, in an oversized bed. Yes, that's the way she preferred it. She would sleep and wake up to only herself, dreaming about what she wished she could have.

Now, staring at herself in the mirror, a mirage of images flew through her conscious. She saw herself crying in her room, as her everything walked out of her life and left her behind. Another flash brought back the memory of sobbing and clinging to Buffy, when she had felt like just giving up.

She saw all of these things; flashes from her past and recent doings. The last one left her shaken to the core though. It was of herself lying in bed and awakening to another person sleeping beside her; the person that she had wanted, but couldn't have.

The same woman who could make her heart pound out of her chest, with just a fleeting thought. It was, Tara in all her glory, lying there and just being.

Only, it wasn't supposed to happen this way. Her Tara wasn't supposed to be there when she woke up. She was supposed to be a memory, a beautiful figment of her imagination. Although, the previous night hadn't been a dream or a fantasy created by her, own crazed mind.

It was real. It had actually happened.

She was terrified.

She freaked.

*****

Tara awoke sometime after Willow had. She didn't know when. All she knew is that her lover was not there and that she was alone in the room.

Throwing the covers off her body, she stood, stretching her arms above her head. She went about gathering up her clothes, slipping them on before she left the room for the bathroom.

There wasn't very much noise in the house, it was deathly quiet. The only thing she could hear as she approached the hallway to the living room was a soft tapping. Rounding the corner, she could now see the source of the sound.

Willow was sitting on the couch, her laptop open on the table in front of it. Her fingers were typing away, obviously in deep concentration. She didn't even look up when Tara entered.

"Morning, sweetie," she said gently, not wanting to disturb the other girl.

"Hey," the redhead replied, not looking up.

Tara watched her from where she stood. Her shoulders looked somewhat tight, the expression on her face was unreadable. Willow was upset about something; she could feel the tension flowing off of her.

"Are you okay?" the blonde questioned, concerned. She took a step closer, but not much.

"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" Willow's tone of voice was flat, somewhat cold. She was moving her finger around on the mouse, saving something. She was definitely distracted.

Tara watched as she closed her computer and picked up her glass, standing to move away. The Wicca grabbed her upper arm, making her stop her movement, as she went to walk past her. Her fingers reached up and tucked the red locks behind the other girl's ear, with her other hand.

"What's wrong, Willow?" She tried to search her eyes, her concern was heightened now; the redhead was definitely upset about something.

Looking down at the hand that was gently gripping her arm, her eyes lifted and ed wed with her lover's. "I'm fine," the hacker replied, not convincingly. Her gaze dropped to her arm again, her opposite hand closing over Tara's and pulling it away. She stepped around the girl and walked into the kitchen.

Tara followed her silently, observing her lover. Had she done something to upset her? She didn't get her mood. "There's obviously something bothering you, Willow. Will you please talk to me? Have I done something?" Her brow furrowed and she licked her lips, waiting for an answer.

Setting her glass in the sink, she looked over at her lover. Their eyes locked, but the hacker said nothing.

Tara had, had enough of this nonsense. "Dammit, Willow... tell me what's going on!" Her arms crossed over her chest, facial features resolved.

All the redhead did was laugh before her mouth lost its smile and she started moving back towards the entrance to the kitchen, standing about a foot away from the other girl. "I told you. Nothing."

"Well, I don't believe you." She took a few steps closer to her girl, reaching for her. When Willow moved away from the questing hand, Tara let out a frustrated breath. "Please... don't lie to me."

Standing directly in front of the blonde now, she shook her head. "You don't have the right to tell me what to do anymore. You lost that privilege when you left. In fact," she walked past her, "That's something you're good at. You just leave when people need you the most, not caring what they are going through."

Tara spun around, grabbing the redhead by the arm and turning her around to face her. "Don't you do this to me. We already talked about this." She let Willow's arm go roughly, just staring at her for a moment. That's when it dawned on her and she started to see the theme in the last few things that Willow had said.

Shaking her head, she looked her in the eyes. "That's what this is about, isn't it? You're pissed. You're pissed because I'm still here. I didn't leave, so you're panicking. Am I right?" She stared her down, knowing that what she said was the truth.

Willow backed away from her lover and walked to the right, stepping up to the front door, looking out the window. "You don't know what you're talking about." Her tone was somewhat calmer now, but it still held some of the venom she had shown before.

"Yes I do." Tara cautiously approached the other woman, stopping before she actually reached her. "You don't know how to le yle yourself or what's happening between us because, I'm still here."

"Shut up," the redhead whispered, coldly.

"What? Don't tell me to shut up, Willow. You're acting like a child. You can't even face me when you're talking to me." The blonde grabbed her shoulder, trying to turn her around.

She fought off the hand, keeping her gaze on the window. "Stop it."

Groaning, the blonde didn't say anything for a short time. She just looked at the back of her lover's head. She knew where all of this was coming from, but she didn't see it ever resolving itself if the other girl kept acting selfish.

"Turn around," she asked calmly.

Willow thought about it and was actually close to doing what the blonde asked, but she didn't. She refused to turn around and admit that Tara was right. "No."

"I'm not going to play these games with you," and she meant it. This was childish.

"Fine. Don't. I need to go anyway. I have some work to do," the redhead spat and sidestepped the blonde Wicca and walked over to the table, picking up her keys. All the while she kept her face out of view, not wanting to show herself.

"You're leaving?" Tara watched as Willow reached for the doorknob to leave. She grabbed her hand and tried to pry it away to turn the other girl towards her.

Yanking her hand down, she did turn around. She stepped right up to the blonde and looked her in the eyes. Her face was stained with fresh tears that had silently fallen. "I'm going to work. Goodbye, Tara."

The Wicca watched as her lover turned back around and started to open the door. "Willow, please. We need to talk about this. I love you, please stay." Her voice was cracking with every word, her heart racing. This actually felt like a goodbye and that was something that she would not accept.

Despite the blonde's pleading, Willow steeled herself and opened the door, walking outside. "Goodbye." She shut the door as Tara said her last words.

"No, it's not." Tara didn't know what to do. She had done all she could to get the other girl to stay, but Willow was stubborn and she had known that before this morning. This would not be goodbye though, not without a fight.

The redhead stopped walking when she reached the bottom of the steps and she turned around. Her tears were still falling and she wanted to run back in the house and make things right, but she just couldn't. She wouldn't give in.

Angrily wiping at her face with her hand, she quickly walked to her car and climbed in.

Watching from the window, Tara watched Willow walk away and then the car pull out and disappear from her sight. That's when she lost it. She broke down, all of her self control disappearing, leaving a waterfall of tears in it's path.

She slowly walked into the living room, collapsing into one of the chairs. Picking up the phone handset on the table beside the furniture, she dialed a number she still knew by heart.

"I need your help," she spoke, when the other party picked up.

*****

Willow slammed the door to her office, as she walked through it. Throwing her keys on her desk, she slumped into her chair.

This wasn't exactly the way she wanted her day to go. She didn't like not being in control of things. At least things that had to do with her, personally.

Tara had been right. She was confused and unsure of what to do when she had seen the blonde lying next to her in the bed. She wasn't supposed to be there. She should have left to never come back. Or better yet, what should have happened when she awoke was that none of the previous day took place. It should have been a dream, a very powerful dream, but still that.

Of course, things were never that easy though. So, she had blown it way out of proportion and hurt the woman she loved in the process.

She knew Tara would never forgive her for this. Why would she? She had deliberately said all of those things to hurt Tara. And she was being childish. That she could agree with.

Question now was: Where do I go from here?

*****

"Thought I'd find you here," Buffy said as she shut the door behind her, strolling into the office. She was on a mission.

Willow had been so caught up in what she was doing, that she hadn't heard the door open. "Go away, Buffy," she said without looking up.

"Sorry. No can do." She stepped in front of the desk, placing her hands on the edge and leaning over so she was almost in the other girl's personal space. "Are you insane?"

"Yep. Very happily, if I might add," she laughed bitterly and kept working on the project she was trying to finish. "Now, if you'll excuse me... I have to get this finished."

The Slayer watched as Willow looked up from the paper she was writing on, to check something on her computer. Buffy took that opportunity to reach over and pick up the paper.

Grabbing for the other girl's hand, "Give me that, Buffy!"

Throwing the paper on the floor behind her, the blonde leaned back over on the desk, taking her previous position. "I'll give it back after you listen to what I have to say." She waited for an answer.

"Fine," Willow threw her pen down and crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back in her chair and glaring at the Slayer.

"Willow Rosenberg, you're my best friend, but right now I could really kick your ass." She stood up and started a slow walk around to the other side of the desk. When she got there, she sat on the edge and stared down at the redhead, a look of utter control on her face.

The hacker had the courtesy to look a little intimidated as she backed her chair up some, but kept her composure. She knew that look. She had seen Buffy give it more times than she could remember, when facing down a vampire or trying to get her point across to someone. It was a little scary.

"Here's the deal. Tara called me right after you left; she was crying. I could hardly understand anything that she was saying, so I went over to your house. We had a little chat." Buffy lifted her head up, pursing her mouth and rolling over in her head what to say next.

When she looked back down at the other girl, she leaned forward some, moving a little bit closer to Willow. "Word is, that you snapped at her and said a whole lot of hurtful things. Am I right so far?"

The redhead raised her eyes and looked into Buffy's. She closed her eyes momentarily and nodded her head.

"Are you stupid or just plain crazy?" The blonde looked at her with disbelief written all over her features.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Willow swallowed hard. She dropped her head and nodded.

Buffy looked down at her best friend and pushed herself off the desk. Kneeling down in front of the chair, she reached over and squeezed the redhead's hand. "Will, look at me."

Eyes still closed, Willow lifted her head. When she opened her eyes, tears fell from them as she looked into Buffy's face. The other girl no longer looked at her with anger or disappointment, she was now looking at her with comfort and a little bit of confusion.

"I don't get it, Will. This is, Tara. The woman you have been in love with since... forever. She comes back into your life and then you do this. Are you intentionally trying to push her away? 'Cause that's what it looks like from where I'm sitting." The blonde let go of the hacker's hand and placed her own on the arm of the chair, helping her balance herself.

Willow lifted her hand and wiped her tears away. She cursed at herself mentally for falling apart. She was supposed to remain composed. She couldn't give in and admit defeat. However, now, opening her eyes and looking at the girl kneeling in front of her, she didn't know what to do.

She looked away.

Buffy sighed and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she sought out the hackers. "Will..."

Her bottom lip trembling, Willow looked at her friend's face.

"Come on. This is me... talk to me. Let me help." Reaching over and up, the Slayer wiped the tears away from the girl's face, waiting to see what she would do.

"I... God, Buffy, I think I really... messed up." Her tears were falling harder now. "I just... I freaked. When I woke up... and she was there... I freaked."

"I know; I get it. Tara doesn't though. You need to talk to her. She thinks she did something wrong..."

Willow cut her off, "... But... she didn't. I was the one..."

"... Who came down with the craziness?" the blonde finished for her. Repositioning herself, so she was sitting up on her knees, she coaxed Willow forward and embraced her. She sent all the calming energy towards her that she could. Her voice was gentle, when she spoke again.

"You were scared. I know what that's like," Buffy reassured her.

"I... I didn't expect her to be there when I woke up. I thought... I thought I was still dreaming." Her arms loosened their grip, but she still kept a hold around the blonde's shoulders. She could feel the energy that was being sent into her and it was soothing.

Willow started to slowly pull away though, her body calm, her tears drying up. When she pulled away completely, she rested against her chair.

"Will," Buffy waited for her friend to look at her and their eyes locked. "She's waiting for you."

The hacker's bottom lip quivered at those last four words. "She is?"

Giving her a short nod, she pulled her back in for a hug.

"Thank you, Buffy..." Willow closed her eyes, squeezing them tight, milking out the last of her tears. Her arms tightened around her friend's back, giving back what she could as thanks.

"No big. I think you should go talk to her. She said she would wait for you, but I wouldn't keep her waiting for too long." She gave the redhead a final squeeze before pulling away and pushing herself up, one hand on the chair and the other on Willow's knee.

Bringing both hands up now, she wiped at her eyes. Brushing away her tears, her heart felt heavy and her stomach was suddenly filled with butterflies that were fluttering around.

The blonde reached down and cupped the girl's chin, lifting her face up so she could look at her. "Do the right thing," Buffy whispered before turning to leave.

"Buffy?" Willow called out to her, watching her turn around to face her.

"Yeah?" The Slayer gripped the doorknob, ready to leave.

"I'm sorry for being a big meanie when you first got here," she smiled at her friend, appreciatively.

Returning the smile, Buffy opened the door, turning to leave. "Don't worry about it. Go get your girl." With that said, she left the office and closed the door behind her. A few seconds later, she came back in the office and walked over to the paper she had thrown down.

"Here... sorry," her cheeks blushed a little.

Willow laughed. "I deserved it. Thank you."

Stepping to the open door, her fingers gripped around the doorknob, ready to pull it shut again. "Call me. Love ya, Will." She winked as she finally shut the door.

Suddenly, the redhead's stomach dropped and she was nervous. "Okay... I can do this," she said to herself. She saved the program she was working on to her hard drive and then shut her computer down.

Grabbing her keys, she closed her eyes and pulled in a deep breath. "Here goes nothing."

Walking to the door, she opened it and flipped off the light, closing her office door. Slipping her key in the knob, she locked it up.

This was it. No turning back.

*****

Willow stood silently at the door to her bedroom, looking in at the sleeping figure on her bed. She saw that the woman was clutching a blue shirt to her chest, her nose hidden underneath a piece of the garment, as if she had been inhaling the scent it held before falling into slumber.

This is where she had found Tara after arriving back home. She had hesitantly entered the house, convinced that her lover was still there due to her car still being parked in the driveway. When she didn't see the blonde, she had gone looking for her and this is where she was led.

Walking over to the bed, she looked down at Tara's face. Even though she was asleep, her features held pain and Willow knew she was the cause of that. She wanted so much to just ease it away. However, to do that, she would have to wake the other woman up and that was something she didn't want to do just yet.

Instead, she kneeled down beside the bed. Her arms crossed and rested on the mattress in the small vacant space next to the blonde's body.

Tara was laying half way on her back, half on her side. Her face was facing upward, toward the ceiling. Despite her pained features, she seemed to be sleeping restfully.

Willow's heart ached and tears formed in her eyes, as she just observed. Her tears slipping down her cheeks, she reached her right hand over and gingerly cupped her girl's cheek. Her thumb grazed her cheekbone, not hard enough to rouse Tara though.

Taking her hand away, slowly after a few moments, she stood up. Leaning down, she cautiously pulled the shirt away from her girl's face and brought her lips to Tara's and just held them. Her mouth lingered for a few seconds before she pulled away whispering, "I love you."

When she stood back up, the redhead took one last glance at the sleeping woman, before turning for the door. She wouldn't wake her up. She could wait; as long as necessary, she would wait.

Willow had just reached the door, when she heard a groggy voice speak to her.

"Willow?" the voice said.

Stopping in place, the hacker closed her eyes and froze. Her heart started to pound rapidly in her chest. She felt a shiver run through her body, as she turned around and met the eyes of her lover.

Tara was sitting up on the bed. She had let go of the shirt she had been holding and had placed it to the left of her, on the bed.

Her blue eyes beckoned with Willow's, begging her not to leave.

"I..." testing her voice, the redhead took a tentative step towards the bed. "Baby, you were asleep."

"I felt you here," her voice quivered as she continued to stare into green eyes, desperately wanting them to come closer.

Willow seemed to take the hint. Her feet taking her closer to the bed, until she was standing next to it. She didn't know what to do next. Tara was so close and all she wanted to do was take her in her arms and kiss away the pain of the last few hours, but was it that simple?

"Willow," the blonde's voice cracked with emotion and her right arm moved as if gesturing the other girl to her.

Sitting down on the bed, she sat there for a brief second before leaning over and encircling her lover in her arms, squeezing her tightly to her body. "Tara..." her voice trailed off and she buried her face into the other girl's warm neck, soaking it with her tears.

"Shhh," Tara cried and held her soul-mate, gently rocking them back and forth. It was a comforting movement that seemed to sooth them both.

They sat there for several minutes, the blonde rocking them. Their arms stayed still though, claiming each other's backs.

Willow moved her face against Tara's neck, drying her tears from her eyes. Nuzzling her nose into the woman's throat as she gently pulled away, she looked up into cobalt eyes and graciously smiled.

Leaning forward, she brought their foreheads together and snaked her right hand up into the Wicca's hair. In a sudden move, she whimpered softly and brought her lips down to Tara's, lingering there and then pulling away. She pulled back enough so their lips separated, but she didn't move.

"Baby, I..." she whispered and then was cut off when the other girl captured her lips again. Willow started to cry into the kiss, the blonde slowly following the lead, before she pulled away again and hugged her lover close.

Her fingers sifted through the blonde locks and then came to rest on the back of Tara's head, gently massaging her scalp. "I'm so sorry, Tara. For everything I said earlier and did to you... you don't know how much I hate myself."

Pulling back to look at the redhead's face, she searched her eyes. "W-what happened?"

Willow pulled away and scooted back some, so she could really look at her girl. She pulled her hand from the hair it was resting over and brought her hand down, entwining her fingers with Tara's left hand.

"I freaked. When I woke up and you were here, lying beside me, I panicked. After I took a shower, I was just staring at myself in the mirror and everything started coming back to me and I just... went crazy."

The blonde squeezed the hand in hers and her eyes started to fill with tears again, as she looked into Willow's eyes. "I w-was so s-scared... you..."

"Shhh, baby... Com'ere," she pulled her into her arms, softly rubbing her hand over Tara's back and speaking calmly. "I know I scared you. I scared myself and... I'm so sorry, Tara. I'm so sorry... I know I don't have any right to ask this, but can you ever forgive me?"

"I do, but... don't ever do that... to me again," despite the soft tone of the Wicca's voice, her words were strong, demanding.

Pulling her head around to look at her, Willow nodded her head. "I promise. I won't." Then leaning in, she sealed her promise with a kiss, hugging Tara's lips with her own. Breaking the kiss, she leaned back in and left fleeting kisses against her girl's mouth.

Once she pulled completely away, she hugged her again. "Sweetie, none of this was your fault. It was all me. I just didn't know how to act. My only dream since you left was that you would come back to me and we could be together. When I saw that you were real... I..."

"I understand, I think," Tara replied back, interrupting the rest of the redhead's words. "I was a little scared, too, just because this is all new and I didn't want us to mess things up. I can't live without my, Willow. I need you."

Willow shifted her body back and looked at her lover, holding her eyes. "I need you, too. I always need you. Did... did we mess things up? Please tell me we're okay. I can't... lose you again." Her voice started to break at the end, her tears fighting to come back.

Tara brushed her lips over the hacker's before answering, "I-I want us to be okay. Promise me we'll talk about things next time, before you..."

"Freak out?" The redhead finished the sentence and laughed lightly. "I will." Her face became serious, her eyes fixing Tara's to her own. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, Willow." She smiled, grabbing hold of the front of her lover's shirt and pulling their lips together. She kissed her passionately, trying to show her just how much she loved and needed her.

The redhead gently pushed them down on the bed, propping herself upright on her elbow to the right of Tara's body, their lips brushing together over and over again. They soaked up the forgiveness that she had gra granted and gave back everything that Willow could not say.

Everything was momentarily put on hold, as they kissed and held each other, making silent promises that would never again be broken.

*****


TBC...