Adult-FanFiction.org : Buffy

Out Of Memory, Loss	By : pixel2817 Category: AtS/BtVS Crossovers > Slash - Male/Male > Angel(us)/Xander > Angel(us)/Xander Views: 5977 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS or AtS. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Author: pixel
Title:Out of Memory, Loss.
Part:6/?
Pairing: Xangel
Rating: NC17
Feedback: always welcome
Concrit much appreciated and possibly needed
Disclaimer: Anything you recognise is still owned by Joss et al ~ anything new is mine.
Warnings/Squicks: Willow bashing, violence, light BDSM, bloodplay
Beta(s): don’t have one
Distribution: hell, if anyone wants it just take it. Just drop me a line so I can take a look.

Summary :- This came from a couple of plot bunnies/challenges I saw awhile back. I’m sorry I don’t remember where, but thanks for the ideas.

1)Tabula Rasa wasn’t the first time Willow cast memory spells on Xander, and they all broke with the crystal.
2)Xander has left Sunnydale at some previous point and they had no idea where he’d gone. Willow calls AI for help and Xander answers the phone.

This is set post Tabula Rasa BTVS and Ats Season 3 up to Billy, Darla never comes back and there is no Connor, mainly ‘cos he just doesn’t fit this story.

Past Regained

Sunnydale Eighteen Months Previously, Tabula Rasa

Dawn throws a piece of wood to Xander, who catches it and uses it to stake the vampire as he attacks. Xander and Dawn stare as it turns to dust. Willow and Tara remain lying on the ground together, their faces inches apart. Tara reaches up and brushes hair away from Willow's face. They smile slightly. Willow bends down as if to kiss Tara.

Xander gets up, groaning, walking forward his foot comes down on the crystal, which gives off a green light as it smashes. Xander stares down at it, looking dizzy for a moment.

Willow and Tara pause before actually kissing. Willow gets off of Tara and they both sit up, Tara giving Willow an angry look. Willow looks down and sees pieces of the crystal on the ground. Tara stands up, glaring at Willow in disgust. Willow stays sitting, looking up at her. Slowly Willow looks down again, feels her belt pouch and finds it empty. Everyone sees the broken crystal on the ground and all turn to stare at Willow.

Xander walked forward, meaning to go check on Dawn, when he collapsed to the ground; it felt like something was shattering inside his head, pain coursed through his body as his mind was assaulted by images.

flash…sitting with Jesse in the park, hands tightly clasped, kissing softly……….talking to Willow and Amy about the love spell, Willow promising to help him get Cordy back and changing the words of Amy’s spell……….Buffy and Faith becoming friends, Joyce offering to have Faith move in with them……….finding Willow performing the lust spell……….trapped in the factory after fighting about what Willow had done to him, her begging and pleading for one last kiss……….visiting Cordy in the hospital, telling her everything, making up, confronting Willow together………. Faith coming to them after Finch, begging for their help, Willow and Buffy turning on her, taunting her and saying how Xander had boasted about their night together………. Willow changing the cure, from taste of a slayer to draining a slayer and encouraging Buffy to go after Faith……....night before graduation, alone with Larry, his long legs wrapped around the football players’s waist……….wanting to leave on his trip, but getting no further than Oxnard, his car hadn’t broken down, he just hadn’t been able to get any further away from Sunnydale, every time he tried he felt ill………. hanging out with Buffy after he got back, just the two of them getting closer, one sweet kiss at the bronze, telling their friends they were together, then nothing, no feelings, buffy leaving that night with Parker……….the joining spell, seeing everything that was in Buffy and Giles’ hearts but finding most of Willow closed off……….Tara’s family arriving, Willow rejecting her when she thought Tara was a demon, then the whole event done over after Willow found out the truth……….Willow deliberately showing Dawn the spell book that could bring Joyce back, encouraging her to try it……….Willow going after Glory, using everything in her path to attack the goddess, not caring who she hurt along the way……….watching Willow turn away from the fight in the scrapyard, not helping Buffy or Anya, just staying at Tara’s side……….fight after fight with Willow, her wanting to bring Buffy back, Xander and Tara saying no, Willow trying to tell them that Buffy was in hell but Tara and Xander knowing she was in heaven……….same argument over and over, Tara saying the spell Willow wanted to use was evil……….calling Giles, begging for his help, then forgetting they’d even spoken to him……….Giles making plans to stay, to become dawn’s legal guardian……….Giles confronting Willow about the books missing from the store……….next day Giles deciding to leave for England straight away………. the spell itself……….still fuzzy……….locked behind a wall he couldn’t break……….Anya dying at Glory’s hands……….Anya running away before the battle with Glory……….Anya telling him she couldn’t stay after Buffy died……….finding Anya with another man, throwing her out……….Anya becoming a demon again and having to kill her when she attacked them all……….telling Anya he couldn’t be with her and walking away……….asking Anya to marry him a second time, buying tickets to Vegas and inviting their friends…….the wall again, red and cloudy……….blood and pain……….Willow standing over him chanting…..flash

Xander tried desperately to force his way past the wall, to see that last hidden piece of his past. The onslaught of images had been overwhelming and he was completely unaware of his surroundings; had no idea that his body was convulsing on the floor of the sewer, or that he’d been screaming for nearly ten minutes. All he could focus on was the wall; he knew he had to find out what else he’d lost, so he threw his entire mind against it. As the wall cracked and fell, Xander knew pain beyond anything he’d ever experienced before and his body twitched one last time before he slipped unconscious.

Dawn was terrified, after getting her memory back she’d thought it was over. Then Tara and Xander had collapsed and begun screaming in pain, nothing she did seemed to rouse them and Willow wasn’t even trying to help. The witch was leaning against the wall of the sewer, rocking back and forth, muttering to herself, “No…no….no…can’t be happening…got to fix it….musn’t find out….mustn’t ever know.”

Searching the pockets of Xander’s coat, she found his cell phone and called her sister, begging Buffy to get there as soon as possible and telling her what had happened. With Spike’s help they managed to get Xander and Tara out of the sewers. Dawn wanted to take them both to the hospital, but Willow pitched a fit at the idea. Saying that they’d been affected by the magics and that they just needed to rest. It was the only thing any of them managed to get out of the Wicca. In the end, everyone went back to the Summer’s house and the sisters kept vigil over their unconscious friends, waiting for them to wake up. After a while Buffy told Dawn to go to bed and get some sleep, promising to wake her when Tara and Xander were better. Willow just slipped off to her room, unable to look any of them in the eye. She wouldn’t talk about what had happened in front of Dawn; but when Buffy went upstairs to check on her, Dawn could hear them talking softly together.

Around four in the morning Xander finally woke up, groaning loudly as he began remembering what had happened. Even now the images he’d recovered were still running through his head. All jumbled together, one on top of the other, so he’d no idea which of his memories were real. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked around the room, trying to figure out where he was and how he got there. Relaxing slightly when he recognised his surroundings and made sure Willow wasn’t present. Seeing Tara, still unconscious, on the couch he crossed the room and took her hand; willing her to wake up.

“Xander, thank god you’re okay.”

“I’m awake Buffy, okay isn’t going to happen any time soon.”

“Willow says you’re going to be fine, that you got a little hit from the mojo; just as soon as she can, she’ll fix you and Tara right up.”

“Buffy she played with our minds, I don’t want her anywhere near me.”

“I know what she did was wrong, but she was just trying to help.”

“Is that what she said?”

Maybe if Buffy hadn’t been so tired she’d have noticed the harsh tone of Xander’s voice, but instead she blithely carried on, “She just felt so guilty about bringing me back, she wanted to take my pain away. It wasn’t really anything to do with you and Tara, so if I can forgive her so should you.”

“Buffy, you’ve no idea what’s going on, so maybe you should just listen for a second. Why do you think Tara and I collapsed? You, Giles and Dawn didn’t. It was because this wasn’t the first time Willow messed with us. She’d cast dozens of memory spells and they all came crashing down when the crystal broke. She’s been playing with our minds for years, I’ve got so many new memories, I can’t even begin to figure out what’s real.”

“Willow didn’t do anything to you Xander. She explained it all to me before she went to sleep. The crystal held possibilities, memories that hadn’t happened; just as soon as she’s feeling better she’ll get all of that stuff out of your head and you’ll be better. None of it’s real.”

“Yes it is.” Tara spoke up, letting them know she was awake, “A crystal like that can only be used to store real memories, things she stole from us. The only reason she hasn’t already taken them away again is that the backlash from having so many spells broken, means she won’t be able to work magic for at least a week.”

“I know you’re both confused, but I promise everything is going to be okay. You just have to trust me.”

“I do trust you Buffy, but Willow is another matter.” Xander raked his hands through his hair, trying to figure out how to make Buffy listen to them. “She’s my oldest friend, I’ve loved her my entire life, and right now she scares me more than anything we’ve ever faced. She needs to be stopped, otherwise we’ll all be in danger. The only thing I can think of is to have Giles take her away. He must know somebody who can get her magic under control.”

“Xander, can you hear yourself? It’s Willow we’re talking about, I know the spell has you all messed up, but you must know she’d never do anything to hurt you.”

“If that’s true you won’t mind getting Giles over here to check her out. He’ll easily be able to cast a detection spell and find out what we’re dealing with.” Tara clasped Xander’s hand tighter, as she began to realise that the slayer just wasn’t listening to them.

“Giles already left, you know his flight was this morning.”

“He just left without even finding out if Tara and I were okay?”

“Once Willow told me what was going on, I knew that there was no need to bother Giles. Try to understand Xander, none of these things in your head are real. You can’t let them get to you like this.”

Tara and Xander just looked at each other, finally realising nothing they could say was going to convince Buffy; that Willow’s pre-emptive strike with the explanations, meant that Buffy was convinced that they were wrong even before they started to speak. They knew they couldn’t stay there, neither of them wanted to risk being anywhere near Willow.

“Well comfy as your couch is Buff, I think I’m going to head on home and sleep in a real bed.”

“Xander you can’t, you have to stay here ‘til Willow can heal you.”

“Buffy you just got through telling us that Willow said there was nothing actually wrong. If that’s true, why should we have to stay here? I told you before that Willow wouldn’t be able to cast for at least a week; now I don’t know about Xander’s job, but I can’t afford to miss that much school.”

“Tara’s right Buffy, look there isn’t enough room here for us all, and it’s not like you don’t know where to find us.”

“Ok Xander, I guess Spike can make sure you get back to your apartment okay, but Tara this is your home. Why would you leave?”

“When I found out about the memory spell she cast on me before, she promised me she would cut back on magic. After what I went through with Glory I just can’t cope with the idea of somebody playing with my mind. She didn’t even wait twenty-four hours before doing it again. I need to be someplace that she isn’t. So if Xander doesn’t mind I’m going to borrow his spare room.”

Buffy looked like she wanted to argue more, but she didn’t have any real reason to make them stay. Sure she was worried about them, all the fake stuff in their heads was making them act crazy, but it wasn’t as though they were in danger. It was just that she couldn’t help the feeling that she was missing something important. That if she let them go, they wouldn’t be coming back. Shaking her head to dismiss the fanciful notion, she went to find Spike and wake him up; she told him to walk them home and make sure they were safe.

Spike hadn’t survived for over a century without listening to his instincts and right now they were screaming at him that something was very wrong. The pain and fear he could feel coming from Xander and Tara was driving him out of his mind. They weren’t acting like themselves; neither of them had uttered a single word since they’d left Buffy’s. Nothing he said or did pried a single insult out of the boy and that just wasn’t right. Since he’d been chipped snarking with Xander had been one of his few pleasures, the boy was so easy to provoke. As for Glinda, Spike prided himself that he could get her all flustered and blushing with just one carefully chosen phrase, tonight he got nothing; it was like neither of them even saw him.

“So boy, gonna tell me wot’s got the two of you acting so fucking weird?” Well that got him a curious glance, but still no actual response. “Jeez, the pair of you are right off, anyone would think you’d been mojoed. You are sure you’re you aren’t you?”

“Spike you know that didn’t make the least little bit of sense.”

“Got you talking though didn’t it boy. So got an answer for me?”

“No.”

“No! Wot the fuck do you mean?”

“No, I’m not sure that I’m me, I’m not sure that you’re you either. Fact is I’m not sure about anything at all. Not even sure that this conversation is real.”

“Well shit, Slayer could have warned me that you’d gone nuts, can promise you this is real, my fantasies are a hell of a lot more interesting than this. For a start you aren’t normally in them.”

“Spike what happened to Anya?”

“Wot brought this on? You know wot happened mate, you found her shagging that stock broker bloke and told her to sling her hook.”

“But that only happened once, all the other things happened lots and lots of times. Shouldn’t more times mean they’re more real?”

This time Spike didn’t have an answer; didn’t have the first clue what Xander was talking about; so he hung back a little and let them get ahead of him. Tara still hadn’t spoken, and when he didn’t get an answer from Spike, Xander rejoined her in silence. They just walked, hand in hand, not noticing anything that was going on around them. A suicidal trait in Sunnydale, and that more than anything else convinced Spike that something was really wrong. Once he saw them safely inside the boy’s apartment he headed back to the Slayer’s for some answers. He finally recognised the smell that had been half hidden by the pain and fear; broken, they’d both smelt like they were broken and coupled with the vacant look in both their eyes it meant something huge had happened to them. It was a mystery that Spike had every intention of solving, if somebody was fucking with his Slayer’s people then he wanted to know who and why.

tbc
- 5
- 6
- 7
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

Out Of Memory, Loss