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Just a Teenage Crush...	By : addielogan Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Het - Male/Female > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 6945 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-1
- 2-2
- 3-3
- 4-4
- 5-5
- 6-6
- 7-7
- 5
- 6
- 7
Buffy woke, feeling safe enveloped
in strong arms. Her body tingled and ached in a satisfied way, making her smile
and stretch slightly against Spike's chest.
It was then that Buffy felt a flood
of memories hit her. Her stomach flipped as she realized what had happened. She
lay still for a moment, on the verge of tears. She trembled, her arms still
clutching him. Finally, she gathered her strength and pushed herself out of his
grasp, scrambling in the dark chamber in search of her clothes.
"Pet?"
Buffy didn't look at Spike. "I
have to go."
Spike felt pain wash over him with
realization. "You remember."
"Everything."
The room as silent as Buffy
dressed, her back to him. Once she was fully clothed, she turned around again,
looking at Spike. She wished she hadn't. She started to speak, but realized
there was nothing she could say. Spike nodded, and Buffy walked away.

***
*** ***
Buffy welcomed the quiet stillness
of the empty house she returned to. She knew she should seek out her friends,
let them know she was herself again, but she couldn't bring herself to face
them now. Instead, she sat on the far corner of the couch, her knees pulled up
to her chin.
She felt any progress she'd made
towards accepting the fact she was alive again slipping away, leaving her empty
inside again.
Buffy remembered the past few days
with Spike, and she let the tears fall. She wished now she'd listened to him,
believed him when he'd said they couldn't be together, but the obstacles
standing between them were more than a fifteen year old version of herself could ever imagine. She'd tried loving a vampire before,
and it had only ended with death and tears. She couldn't do it again, couldn't
sacrifice her duties as the Slayer for desire.
She leaned down, her face resting
between her knees. She wanted it all to be over, wanted to be at peace. She had
fulfilled her duties as Slayer, gone above and beyond her Calling, and now she
was back, forced to deal with the struggle all over again. It was worse now
than it had been before, knowing where she could be instead, knowing what she'd
lost.
She'd told Spike when she'd first
come back that this was Hell, and that felt truer to her now more than ever. In
his arms she'd found something almost as good as Heaven, but it, too, had been
cruelly ripped from her. She hugged her knees tightly, letting the tears fall.

***
*** ***
Spike sat up in his bed, unable to
fall back asleep after Buffy left. Their scents still mingled all around him,
and he couldn't decide if he found more pain or comfort in that fact. He was
grateful for the almost-tangible evidence of what they'd shared at the same
time he cursed it for making the loss of the woman he loved so terribly vivid.
"You didn't lose her, you
git," he berated himself. "You never bloody had her."
He'd known from the beginning that
it was all really no more than a fantasy, that all her
talk about love would fade to nothing as soon as her memory returned. He should
be grateful she hadn't left him a pile of dust.
But he wasn't grateful for that. He
wished she had driven a stake through his crumbling heart. To have someone look
at him, really see him, and still
call him worthy, it was all he'd ever wished for. With Buffy, he'd known what
it was to have that love he'd sought for over a century, and the loss of it was
worse than never having it at all.
Spike looked down at the ring he
still wore on his hand. Remember love,
always. He knew he would, although he wasn't sure if that memory would be fodder
for his dreams or nightmares. Holding Buffy had done nothing to ease his need
for her. It had only strengthened it.
To make it worse, he was sure Buffy
hated him now more than ever. She'd barely looked at him, barely spoken, and
she hadn't seemed to be able to get out of there fast enough. He was certain
she was disgusted with herself, for ever thinking she could love something like him. Like with every woman
he'd ever loved, he was beneath her.
He buried his face in his hands,
wishing he had the strength to put an end to the pain.

***
*** ***
Buffy stood outside the Magic Box,
trying to calm her nerves. She'd allowed herself only a brief time to cry
before she'd cleaned up and set out to face her friends. She didn't want to see
them, but she had responsibilities. She needed to put the past few days with
Spike behind her, focus on her duties as the Slayer.
If she could focus on her work,
maybe she could ignore the aching emptiness inside her.
Buffy pushed the door open, wincing as the bell cheerily announced her presence
and caused all eyes to turn to her. "My memory's back," she announced
without preamble. "Whatever you guys did, it worked."
"We didn't do anything,"
Willow replied. "We still can't find that demon�or the crystal�and we
couldn't find a spell that wouldn't cause more problems than it would
fix."
"Well, the spell must've just
worn off then, because I'm Buffy with Memories again."
"I'm glad to hear it,"
Xander said. "Amnesiac Buffy was getting creepily obsessed with the Bleached
Evil."
"His name is Spike,"
Buffy snapped, unable to keep herself from feeling anger from Xander's dig at
Spike. She now had her memories to place Xander in her life, and she remembered
what he meant to her, but at the same time, she had her perceptions from her
time without memories, too. She loved Xander dearly, but she was seeing him in
a new light, and found she had little tolerance for his judgmental,
hypocritical behavior. How many people had Anya killed after all?
"Whoa, Buff, take it
easy," Xander replied. "I know his name. Just never
figured it was that important."
"Well it is. Dawn told me how
he fought by your side all summer. You could show him a sliver of respect for
that at least."
"Whether he helped us out this
summer or not, he's still a killer," Xander replied. "I don't respect
killers."
"I guess that explains your
treatment of Anya," Buffy replied, causing an immediate hush to fall over
the room. Even the ex-demon in question had nothing to say. Buffy sighed.
"Look, I just wanted to let you know you can stop your search to cure me,
because I'm all fine again. I'm just gonna go now."
"Are you sure?" Willow
asked. "You�you don't seem fine. Do you need to talk?"
Buffy looked around the room, noting
the two people who were absent: Dawn�who was at school�and, of course, Spike.
No, she didn't want to talk. Not with any of them. "No."
"Buffy�"
"Dammit, Willow, I don't want
to talk! Especially not with you!"
Willow reared back as if hit, her
eyes clouding over with pain. "Buffy�what�"
Buffy felt herself start shaking
with rage, unable to keep what she'd felt since she'd been ripped from Heaven
bottled up anymore. She was sick of being thrown back and forth between
happiness and misery, sick of having bliss and then having it torn away. Why
should she spare their feelings when
they played with her life like it was a toy? "You're not god, Willow, so
stop playing one. You can't just do whatever you want, without thinking of the
consequences."
"Buffy, I'm sorry. I just
wanted to help you."
"Well, you didn't! You had no
right to mess with my memory like that. I may not know anything about being a
witch, but I do know a thing or two about power, and I know you can't use it without
considering the consequences. Do you know why Faith is sitting in a prison cell
right now instead of here with us, doing what she was called to do when she
became a Slayer? Because of power. She had it, and she
used it when she shouldn't have, and it destroyed her."
"I'm nothing like Faith!"
Willow declared, horrified that Buffy would draw such a parallel. "I never
intended to hurt anyone."
"Neither did she, not at first. But she did, and you have, too."
"Buffy, I didn't�"
"I was in Heaven!"
It wasn't until the room grew
silent that Buffy realized she'd actually made that statement out loud. Her
friends looked at her in horror, and Buffy felt smothered. She turned and ran
from the Magic Box.

***
*** ***
Buffy stood outside Spike's crypt,
her hand against the door. She hadn't intended to come here, but here she was.
She opened the doors, feeling herself pulled towards Spike.
He was standing near his fridge,
glass of blood in his hand. He froze when he saw Buffy, hoping for an instant
that she was here to stake him, to finish what she'd started when she'd broken
him. "Didn't expect to be seeing you again so soon, Slayer," he said,
trying to keep any emotion from slipping into his voice.
Buffy could see what he was trying
to hide from her, saw the pain he struggled to keep at bay dance across his
face. She had no doubt his love for her was real, knew that he had to be aching
from the loss of what they'd shared. Part of her wanted to go to him, to hold
him and tell him she'd meant every word, every touch. But she couldn't. Slayers
couldn't love vampires. She knew that all too well.
"I�" Buffy paused, not
knowing what to say. How could she explain her presence in his home? "I
came for the kittens."
Spike blinked. "The
kittens?"
"Yes. If I leave them here,
you'll use them as poker chips."
"Right." Spike set his glass down on a sarcophagus.
"They're downstairs. Let me get them."
Buffy nodded, letting herself slump
when she was out of Spike's sight. How could he make her feel this much? He reemerged
a few minutes later, carrying a cardboard box with a tiny, furry paw poking
over one side.
"They're all here. In one piece." He frowned. "Or in three pieces, or�
They're all fine."
Buffy smiled slightly, taking the
box from him. As she did, her hand grazed his, and they both jumped slightly
from the contact. "I�I have to go."
"I know."
"I'll�I'll see you around,
Spike."
"You, too,
Buffy."
Spike was almost certain he heard
her start to cry as she left, but he pushed the idea away. Buffy didn't love
him. She never would.

***
*** ***
Buffy ran her hand around
underneath her comforter, watching as Frank stalked and pounced. She remembered
doing this same thing in Spike's bed, remembered him watching her with an
amused smile on his face. She wanted to have that now, to be back with him�smiling,
laughing.
She'd
been so happy�
Buffy picked Frank up, ignoring his
mew of protest. She hugged him, rubbing her face
against his fur and feeling it dampen with her tears. She didn't know how she
could keep on living like this. It was too much.
Buffy heard the knock at her
bedroom door, but ignored it. There was no one she wanted to see right now. But
the knocker didn't take the hint, and the door pushed open. She looked up,
frowning. "Xander."
"Hey, Buff. Can we, um,
talk?"
"Rather not."
He held up his hands. "Not
here to fight. I just� What you said in the Magic Box today, was it true?"
Buffy sighed, realizing he wasn't
going to leave her alone. "I think so. I mean, it's not like there was a
big sign that said 'Welcome to Heaven,' but it certainly wasn't Hell. It�it was
nice, and warm, and�and I was at peace."
"I'm so sorry, Buffy. I�I had
my doubts about bringing you back, but�" He looked down. "I just
missed you. I wanted you here�we all wanted you here. We didn't think, and it
was selfish, and� I know sorry isn't enough, but I don't know what else to
say."
"I understand why you guys did
what you did. You did think I was in a Hell dimension, which, might I add, is a
tad bit insulting. But yeah, you were trying to save me, and I respect that. In
retrospect it wasn't the best thing to do, but there's no way you could've
known. And I didn't mean to tell you where I'd really been because I didn't
want any of you to feel guilty. You did what you thought was best,
and I can understand why." She sighed again, stroking Frank's back.
"But what Willow did with my memory� What that did to me�and Spike."
Xander looked up sharply at Spike's
name. "Buffy, tell me honestly, did he take advantage of you?"
"No." Buffy let out a
deep breath. "But we did�we were together."
Xander's jaw dropped for a moment.
"Buffy, you couldn't know what you were doing. Your memory�"
"I knew what I was doing,
Xander. I knew exactly what I was doing. Yes, I couldn't remember my past
history with Spike, but I wasn't completely clueless. But I felt something with
him, something strong. It was like it had been buried under all those bad
memories, and without them, it was suddenly so clear."
"Felt something? What could
you have possibly felt with him?" Xander met Buffy's eyes for just a
moment before her gaze fell down. "You love him."
"Yeah."
"How can you?"
"How can you love Anya?"
"You can't compare Spike to
Anya," Xander snapped. "She's an ex-demon."
"Yeah, so all those people she
killed came back to life the moment she stopped being a demon. Dammit, Xander,
open your eyes! Anya killed as many people as Spike�probably more, seeing as
she has several centuries on him. I'm not saying we should condemn her, or that
you shouldn't love her. I like Anya, despite her, idiosyncrasies, and I'm glad she's in our lives. But that doesn't
undo anything she did. And it doesn't give you the right to blame anything I
may feel for Spike when you can't take a long hard look at your own romantic
choices."
"Anya�Anya isn't killing
anymore."
"Neither is Spike."
"Because he
can't! Dammit, the only
reason he's all lovey-dovey with you instead of trying to sink his fangs into
your throat is because of that chip! If it stopped working, we'd be nothing more
than food to him."
"Do you really believe that?
Do you think he couldn't find some other way to hurt us if he really wanted to?
The chip didn't make him help you guys this summer, and it didn't make him try
to protect Dawn the way he did. I can't explain it, but there's something about
Spike, something that makes him different from other vampires. It's like he�kept
a part of his humanity somehow. I tried to stay blind to it before, tried to
keep him from messing up my soulless vampire equals bad worldview. But I can't
anymore. I saw him in a new light this week, and I can't ever go back to
pretending I don't know he's something special." Buffy let out a deep,
shaky breath, almost as amazed at her own words as Xander's facial expression
told her he was.
"Are you and Spike�together
now?" Xander asked after a few moments.
"No."
"But you just said�"
"I know what I said. And I
meant it. But that doesn't change the fact hat he's a vampire, and I'm the
Slayer. Been down that road before, and in case you forgot, it was an ugly,
nasty, bloody one. I can't risk that much again, not even for love."
"Did he make you happy?"
Buffy wrinkled her brow. "Huh?"
"Spike, when you were with him
this week, did he make you happy?"
"Yes."
Xander ran his hand through his
hair. "I cannot believe I'm actually about to say this, but here goes. After
all you've been through, you�you deserve to be happy. And I'm not giving my
blessing or anything, because, well, I don't really like Spike�although to be
honest, I do like him marginally better than I ever liked Angel, but that's beside
the point. Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is, if Spike gives you something
that you need, maybe you should�" Xander stopped, suddenly intensely
interested in Buffy's floor. "You should be happy, Buffy."
Buffy stared at him, mouth agape.
Was Xander actually telling her to
pursue a relationship with Spike? And could she even do that? There were so
many risks involved, so many ways to get hurt� "Xander, I�"
"Just go,
Buff. Be with him if
that's what you need to do." He gave her a half smile. "Just never,
ever, tell me any sort of details, got it?"
Buffy laughed slightly. "Yeah." She stood, started for the door, then stopped, looking at Xander again. "Being with him,
it isn't the smart thing to do, is it?"
"No. But I'm not sure love
ever is."

***
*** ***
Spike had had enough of this town.
Sunnydale had been nothing but a source of constant pain for him, be it
physical or emotional. He decided it was time he cut his losses,
get as far away from the Hellmouth�and the Slayer�as he possibly could.
Maybe then he could manage to
forget.
Spike threw a few things in a bag,
leaving most of his belongings for whatever demon crawled into his crypt once
he was gone. He'd find someplace else, some place to start over.
He walked out of the crypt, never
planning to look back.

***
*** ***
Sorry for yet another long delay in
posts, but that was seriously the most difficult chapter of fanfic I have ever
written. I've never reworked scenes so much in my life, and I'm still not sure
if it's any good.
There's one more chapter after this
one, so leave lots of reviews and let me know what's on your mind!
- 5
- 6
- 7
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Just a Teenage Crush...