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Truth Denied	By : PervertedPages Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Slash - Male/Male > Spike(William)/Xander > Spike(William)/Xander Views: 22482 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Xander woke up the next day to sunlight falling through the window and onto his face. It reminded him of his old apartment, but for once, he felt rested and didn't resent the sun. He got up and stretched, smacking his lips and scratching his bare chest. Last night came flooding back to him, Lakshmi, the tea, the dream. The dream!

Xander quickly got dressed and ran to the bathroom; he had to pee like a racehorse!

He flushed it away, feeling much more clear headed, the dream much clearer in his memory, Jesse talking to him in old empty Sunnydale about how he could heal, really heal, and give his all to Spike.... He could do it, he could really do it. He whistled as he washed then dried his hands, coming out to the kitchen.

Ben and Spike were there, drinking coffee, talking quietly. They looked up in surprise as Xander came in and got a glass of orange juice and sat at the table with them with a smile.

“Have a good sleep then, pet?” Spike asked, almost haltingly, looking at him from the corner of his eye so he didn't look like he was staring, which he really wanted to be doing.

“Yeah, Xander, didn't hear a peep out of you. We didn't even make breakfast because we thought you'd sleep in later. Here, let me put something on.” Ben turned to the stove and got some pans out, getting breakfast going.

Xander took a sip of juice and smiled, leaning back and relaxing. “Yeah, had a great night; slept, had one dream I think, remember it perfectly and just processed it the rest of the night. I dreamed I talked to Jesse, and he gave me the secret to healing my emotional scars.... Spike, there may be hope for us yet, just... give me a few days, ask about my past, I'm serious! Ask about my past, before you were in it, I have to rewire my brain. Ethan's spell is stronger than he realized, and I need it to work permanently, then... Then I can be totally yours Spike... I won't be wounded anymore.” He smiled softly.

“What are you nattering about, memory's not that simple!” Spike shook his head.

“This spell makes it that simple. Trust me Spike, Ethan's working with magicks well beyond his ken, and he's going to seriously fuck up and kill himself soon, but until then, he's given me a gift, and I'm going to use it, to be whole, to be me, to be real. No more hiding, no more panic attacks, no more fear.” Xander drank more juice resolutely and banged down his glass. The other two shrugged, more confused than convinced.

“If it's really that simple, fine, let's do it. Won't stop if it'll help you, would rather have you whole, but that doesn't mean I won't have you if this doesn't work, you get that, yeah? I want you, regardless.” Spike held his hand, Xander smiled.

“Yeah, I get it, thank you, but this is how it's going to be, just... ask me questions about my past, I need to rewire my brain. It's going to take a few days, then it'll be real, then I won't have to think on it, it'll just be.... I'm scared Spike, but I want this, more than anything, I just hope I do it right.”

Spike held his hand and smiled. “We'll do it right, you know how it's done, you know how to answer the questions, we'll do it right and proper and before you know it, you'll be the real you, just like you said, okay? Anything for you, yeah?”

Xander smiled and stroked Spike's hand. “Thank you for trusting me. Let's do this!” He breathes deep and exhales, getting ready.

Ben shrugs, and goes first. “W-wha-who was your first crush?”

Xander laughs. “That's always going to be Willow, even though it wasn't that kind of love, it was a crush, till it faded as soon as I noticed Jesse, which was like, the next minute.” He smiled at that memory.

Spike smiled, liking the look on Xander's face, usually when they talked about his past it got dark really quickly as he remembered something that happened because of the happy memory, but not so far, and it looked good on him.

“What about Red and the other Musketeer, what's your favorite memory of each of them, not together, but separate?” Spike asked, wondering how this worked.

Xander smiled. “Willow's is easy, that time she tutored me in math and I got a C average. Never worked harder, but it's my best memory of her, we were... inseparable, hell she watched over my diet to make sure I had enough tomatoes, blueberries, nuts, turmeric, capers, fish, tea, all kinds of brain foods she was pushing on me to make sure I remembered everything. She was better than my mom, took good care of me that year. But it wasn't worth it, that much work for one topic, and her having to lie to her parents and steal their credit card for groceries, nah. Was a nice memory though.”

“Now Jesse, Jesse is also easy: our first kiss. It was summer break, we were like, what? Teenagers? I dunno, but we were in my treehouse, and I remember how the sunlight danced through the wind whispered leaves, making shadows dance on our bare torso's…. We'd climbed up there to...,” Xander's eye twitched, “to hang out, we were missing Willow because she was with her parents on a summer trip, and our parents hadn't any trips planned for us, so we were home that summer... Then Jesse said, 'It must have been meant to be,' and he kissed me. I remember how soft his lips were, and they were sticky because we'd just had kool-aid, and then he broke it and pulled away, nervous, afraid how I'd react. I remember holding my lips, surprised, it had felt so good, I wanted it again, and I kissed him back, that's how our relationship started, that's how me and Jesse started.” He smiled.

Spike frowned a moment and asked, “How you and Jesse started?”

Xander smiled softly. “Yeah, best time of my life, before Darla.” He frown, but shook his head. “Whatever, Jesse is what's important, and he was an important part of my history, just wish he was still around.”

Spike sat back, blue eyes ticking back and forth between Xander's brown ones as he came to the conclusion that this was what Xander had meant by rewiring his brain. He was giving himself the memories Ethan had made him live, instead of the memories he'd actually had. If this worked, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to his Xander in thanks.

Ben asked, “did you lose your virginity to him?”

Xander blushed and shook his head no. “We were waiting, we thought, maybe once we moved in together, we could have some kind of commitment ceremony or marriage and you know, have a wedding night. Cliché maybe, but it's what we wanted.” Xander thought dreamily back.

Spike cut in, “Did you and Jesse have a song?”

“Oh yeah, we did,” smiled Xander. “Kiss From A Rose by Seal, Jesse could sing it so well, didn't need the CD anymore. We had the soundtrack from Batman Forever and just listened to that one song over and over and over again, we loved it so much. We made out to it too.” He blushed hotly. “But that's what teenage boys do to things they really love, right?”

Ben smiled. “Yeah Xander, yeah, you sound like you had a beautiful romance, you sound like you were lucky.”

Xander smiled. “I know I was, I was the luckiest guy ever, even if I did lose my love, I found another, in the most unlikely place, but I suppose Spike will have to tell you that story sometime.”

“He already has, some of it, most of it, to explain the reaction others had to him at a demon bar.”

“There's a demon bar here? What the... You mean there are more demons here? Other than you? How many? Do we have to fight them? Do we have to stay in at night? What's going on?” Xander looked from Spike to Ben in a rising urgency to do something.

“Xan, we're on another hellmouth.” Spike said, and held his knee.

“Aw shit.”
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