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Been Here Too Few Years	By : addielogan Category: > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 18659 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Almost as soon as
he'd started kissing her, Spike stopped and pulled away, leaving Buffy panting.
He took a step back from her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done
that."
"I�"
Buffy stopped for a moment, regaining control of herself. "What was that
all about, Spike?"
"I don't
know," Spike said as he started pacing in front of the still-open door.
"I just saw you, and�it seemed like the thing to do."
Buffy knew Spike
well enough to know he was upset about something. She still didn't know what to
make of that kiss, but she did know the best way to figure it out was to take
things slow for the moment.
"Why don't
you go sit on the couch, okay?
Spike said
nothing, only did as Buffy suggested and sat down on the couch. Buffy closed
and locked the door before she joined him.
"What's going
on?" she asked gently, unable to stop herself from resting her hand
against his arm. He obviously needed comfort, and touch had always been the
best way to give it to him.
"You were
right about Eve." Spike looked upwards and laughed, though there was no
joy in the sound. "God, I feel like such an idiot."
"It's not
your fault, Spike," Buffy said as she caressed the top of his arm through
the cotton of his shirt.
"Yeah, it is.
I should've learned by now. I shouldn't have been foolish enough to think this
time was going to be any different."
"What do you
mean by that?"
Spike sighed at
her question. "I don't want to get into this with you."
"Then why are
you here?"
"I don't
bloody know. Maybe I shouldn't be." Spike started to get up, but Buffy
grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him back down before he could leave.
"No. You had
to have come here for some reason, so don't run out on me now."
Spike fell back
against the couch with another sigh. "I don't know, Buffy. I just went
over to Eve's, got into it with her, and then when I left, I wanted to see
you." He pointed towards the front door. "And don't ask me what
happened over there when I came in, 'cause I don't know."
"Can you at
least tell me what you meant when you said you should've known it wouldn't be
different with Eve, because I think you could give me an answer to that."
He didn't respond
for a moment, then finally he said, "Fine. You want to know what I meant,
I'll tell you. Every bloody time I get into a relationship, I know the woman's
never really going to love me. Not enough to stay anyway. But every sodding
time I delude myself into thinking it's actually going to be different."
"I loved
you," Buffy said softly.
Spike scoffed.
"You loved me� You left me. Things
got rough, you found yourself a convenient excuse, and you bailed. Gave me a
nice lit' pity fuck and sent me on my merry way."
Buffy's jaw
dropped. "Is that what you really
think? That wasn't what it was at all, Spike. And for the record, that was not a 'pity fuck.'"
"Then what
the hell was it if it wasn't a quickie to soften the blow, huh?"
"It wasn't
that! It wasn't even for you. It was for me. I didn't plan on it, but then you
came home, and I saw you, and I couldn't stand the thought of never touching
you again. And maybe it was selfish, but I knew I was saying good-bye, and
already it made my arms ache knowing you weren't going to be in them
anymore." Buffy wiped at the tears on her cheeks.
"I loved you,
Spike, more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. Breaking up with you was the hardest thing I've ever
had to do, but I felt like I had to."
"Yeah, well,
you didn't," Spike snapped.
"I
know." Buffy looked down at her hands, now resting in her lap. "It's
a mistake I've had to live with every day for three years."
At her admission,
anything Spike had been prepared to say died in his throat. "You know it
was a mistake?" he asked, sounding suddenly vulnerable.
"Of course I
do! Look at us, Spike. Neither one of us is exactly happy, and it's because of
something I did." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "I'm just
not sure it's a mistake that can be fixed."
Spike swallowed
before he admitted, "Neither am I."
Silence filled the
living room for a long while, neither of them sure of what to say or able to
look at the other. Buffy knew what her heart wanted, but her mind knew that was
probably less real life and more fairy tale�and her life had never been one of
those.
When the silence
became too much, she finally asked in a small voice, "Where do we go from
here?"
Spike answered her
question honestly. "I don't know. I still love you, Buffy. I probably
always will. But I'm not sure we could move forward with a relationship after
the way things ended and with how much time has passed since then."
"I know. Me,
too."
Spike regarded her
for a moment, studying her face. "Do you still love me?"
Her response came
without hesitation: "Yes." Though almost as soon as she had spoken,
she gave a resigned sigh. "But like you said, I'm not sure there's any
real way to move forward from here."
A beat passed
between them before Spike said, "So, friends then?"
Buffy knew as well
as he did that trying to make what was between them into a friendship would
never be enough, but she also knew it was that or nothing, and she couldn't
take nothing anymore. Maybe this way there would no longer be a wedge in the
middle of their blended family at least.
"Friends,"
she agreed.
Spike got to his
feet, and this time, Buffy didn't stop him. "I should get going," he
said.
"Are you going
to call tonight?" Buffy asked.
Spike shook his
head. "I don't think so."
"Oh.
Okay."
Spike saw the
disappointment on her face. "I'll call you again, pet. I just need a
little time to think, is all."
Buffy gave a small
smile. It was the first time he'd called her anything but her actual name since
he'd come over that evening, and that alone was enough to make her feel a
little better.
"I will call
you," Spike promised before he started towards the door. He stopped before
leaving, however, and turned back around to look at her. "Thank you for
telling me what Eve said."
"I wasn't
trying to sabotage your relationship or anything like that," Buffy told
him. "I just couldn't stand the thought of her using you like that."
"I know. And
I appreciate it." Spike gave her a small nod. "Have a good night,
Buffy."
"You, too,
Spike."
With that, he was
gone, and Buffy couldn't stop herself from crying again as soon as the door was
shut.

*** *** ***
Once she'd finally stopped crying, Buffy
began to pace the living room. The last few days had left her feeling drained,
and she didn't know which end was up anymore.
She stopped in mid-pace when she heard yet
another knock at the door, and her stomach filled with dread. Was it Eve,
coming to screech at her for calling Spike? Buffy really didn't think she could
handle that on top of everything else right now�
Still, she answered the door, deciding she
would face whatever was on the other side.
As soon as the door was open, Spike stepped
into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. He turned to Buffy, a
worried look in his eyes, and announced, "I want a drink. Or, really
several of them."
Buffy's eyebrow arched. "Well, I'm not
giving you one."
"I know. That's why I'm here. My
counselor back in rehab used to tell me if I was alone and felt like I needed a
drink, to find someone who would encourage me otherwise to stay with me until
the feeling passed."
"And I'm guessing tonight you picked
me?"
Spike nodded in response. "I know I
only made with dramatic exit about an hour ago, but� Are you going to throw me
out?"
"No," Buffy replied, shaking her
head. "I couldn't do that to you, Spike. Stay here as long as you need
to." She closed and locked the door, then led him over to the sofa.
"Do you want anything other than alcoholic beverages?"
"Water?" Spike requested.
"Coming right up." Buffy went into
the kitchen and fixed a glass of water, then brought it to Spike who was now
seated on her couch. She sat on the other end, her feet tucked under her, as
Spike took a drink.
"Do you need to talk about
things?" Buffy asked, her tone instinctively falling into the one she used
as a counselor.
Spike looked at her, his head cocked to the
side. "I guess you're certified to do that now, huh?"
"Yeah, I am." She offered him a
small smile. "But I swear, I won't charge you a dime."
"Not sure you're the best for an
impartial ear, though."
"No," Buffy replied with a shake
of her head. "Probably not."
Spike set his water down on the coffee
table, and Buffy noted with approval he actually used a coaster. Apparently he
had picked up a few more things since when they'd been together.
"Things just went and got all stressful
for me again," Spike said, the fingers of his left hand drumming against
his leg. "The new album's about to be released, so pressure there. And now
this whole bloody mess with Eve. The sodding press is going to be all over it,
and I'm really not looking forward to the fallout, especially with it timed so
closely to the album release."
Buffy reached out and placed her hand over
his, stilling it. She'd seen him like this so many times before, and despite
knowing it meant he was upset, something about it warmed her heart. The man
sitting with her now was the Spike she remembered. His walls were down around
her again, and it gave her a twinge of hope.
Although hope for what, she couldn't really
say.
At her touch, Spike sighed, calming
slightly. "I'm sorry to just barge in on you like this. If you want me to
leave, I'll find somewhere else to go."
"No, I'm not sending you out. Not when
you're like this. Your counselor was right; you do need to not be alone right
now. And you're not imposing, nor am I just putting up with you when I really
don't want you around. I'm happy you came to me with this."
He relaxed more then and gave her a smile,
which Buffy immediately returned. "Thank you, pet."
"It's not a problem. So tell me what
you need me to do to help you right now," Buffy replied.
"Just talk to me, take my mind of
things. Tell me about your day. Anything interesting happen? Well, other than
Eve bursting in here and being a twit, and I guess that was a dumb
question�"
Buffy smirked. There was something else
interesting that had happened to her today�or at least something she thought
Spike would probably find interesting. Maybe it would even cheer him up.
She realized with a start, she really wanted this to cheer him up. Because
that would mean� Well, it would mean something.
Buffy shrugged. "It was a normal day.
Talked to a bunch of kids, broke up with Robin. Pretty standard really."
Immediately, Spike's eyes lit up, and he
leaned forward. "Wait, did you just say you broke up with the bulky
principal?"
"Yeah, I did. It wasn't really working
out."
"That's great news, luv." He
coughed, then sobered. "Uh, I mean�I'm sorry?"
Buffy playfully slapped his arm.
"You're such a dork. And I'm fine with it. We hadn't really gotten that
serious anyway."
"So no after-hours�" Spike stopped
and waggled his eyebrows.
"No, you perv," Buffy replied,
rolling her eyes. She paused and looked down. "Actually, I haven't done
that with anyone since�" She trailed off, unable to hide her blush.
Spike's eyes widened. "No one
since�since me?"
"Yes," Buffy admitted quietly,
wondering what in the world had possessed her to admit that.
"Wow. So you've got to be pretty�"
Buffy looked up sharply and held out her
hand. "Don't you dare finish that sentence."
Spike raised his own hands in defense.
"Consider the sentence unfinished." Only a moment later though, he
dropped his hands and asked, "Really? That's like three years. What, did I
ruin you for all other men?"
Buffy scoffed nervously. "No."
"Liar. I so did."
"Anyone ever told you you're incredibly
arrogant?"
"Most everyone who's been around me for
more than five minutes, actually," Spike responded with a cocky grin.
Buffy rolled her eyes dramatically, though
in truth, she was enjoying herself. At the moment�aside from the fact that
their topic of conversation was her prolonged bout of celibacy�she could almost
pretend things were back the way they used to be. This sort of playful teasing
had been a staple of their life together in the past.
"Feels a bit like old times right
now," Spike said, mirroring Buffy's thoughts.
"Yeah, it does," she answered.
The mood between them sobered again, and after
a few moments, Spike said, "I've really missed just having you around. The
sex was always bloody incredible, and I'd be lying if I said I haven't longed
for a bit of that now and then, but I think what I missed the most was times
like these. You're smart, and you're funny, and you're quick with the snappy
banter. Always traits I've admired in a woman."
"I missed this, too." Buffy
cleared her throat. "And you really missed the sex?"
"Well, yeah. Best sex of my life, and
all."
"Really? So I'm better than Eve?"
Buffy asked, perking up.
Spike smirked. "God, yes." His
expression grew serious, and he met Buffy's eyes before reaching up to place
his palm against her cheek. "You were so�raw. I'd never felt anything like it before."
"Spike�" Buffy whispered, unable
to keep herself from trembling at his touch.
Yet as quickly as it begun, the moment
ended, as Spike dropped his hand and shook his head. "So yeah� Um, maybe
we should watch a movie or something."
Buffy held in her sigh of frustration. It
probably was a good idea for them not to go at it right there on her couch, but
he looked so damn good and it had been three years�
No,
Buffy, she reminded herself. Gotta think rationally about this. It'll
just be awkward afterwards�
"Right, movie sounds good. Come help me
pick one out."
Spike followed her over to her DVD
collection without another word.

***
*** ***
As the movie had progressed, Buffy and Spike
had moved steadily closer to each other until she was resting with her head on
her shoulder and his arm wrapped around her.
Not long after that, she fell asleep.
The DVD had already ended and the player had
already shut itself off. Yet still, Spike sat with Buffy in his arms, reluctant
to move. It had been so long since he'd gotten to hold her like this, since he'd
gotten to watch her sleep. She was almost exactly how he remembered her, save
the difference in her hair color, and it made him long even more for the days
when she'd been his.
Tonight had made him feel like maybe they
could go back to the way things had been, but it had only been one night, and
he couldn't take a chance like that again. For all he knew, things would go
back to how they had been in the morning. If Buffy was anything like she used
to be, opening up to him the way she had could very well send her running back
into her shell.
Reason enough for him to dread the sunrise.
He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay
in this moment, where he could pretend they were who they used to be. This
apartment had once been their
apartment, and if he tried hard enough, he could make-believe the past three
years were just a nightmare.
But they had happened, and he couldn't make
what had come between them simply magically go away. Buffy had left him, and in
doing so, had left a deep wound on his heart. He knew he still loved her as
much as he ever had, but could he trust her enough to start over?
With a sigh, Spike stood, his heart aching
at Buffy's sleepy mew of protest. He couldn't leave her there, so he picked her
up and carried her into her bedroom.
It had
once been their bedroom�
It hadn't changed much, and Spike recognized
the bed as the one they'd once shared. It was the same bed where they'd made
love for the first time.
And
the last�
He laid her out on the bed, pulling the
sheet up to cover her sleeping form. His body ached with the desire to join
her, to curl up in the place that had once given him such comfort.
He knew he needed to leave, but his heart
was screaming at him to stay. He realized as he watched her that he didn't have
a key to the apartment, and would need to wake her in order to get her to lock
the door behind him.
But she looked so peaceful sleeping, and he
hated to do that. She was bound to have had a long week, and she needed her
rest. And he couldn't rightly leave her alone in an unlocked apartment in Los
Angeles. That was dangerous.
So he'd stay, at least until Dawn came home.
He remembered her saying something earlier in the week about having to work, as
she'd had some party she rather would've gone to, but had opted for the
responsible choice. He'd leave when she got there.
In the meantime, was it really that big of a
deal to rest just for a little while? Odds were, Buffy would stay asleep and
wouldn't even know. And surely Dawn coming in would wake him up, so he could
get up then, claim he'd just brought Buffy in to bed, and no one would be the
wiser.
Spike got into the bed and pulled Buffy into
his arms, falling asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

***
*** ***
When I was reading back over my rough
drafts, I discovered I had somehow ended up with two Fridays. I suppose if
you're going to have two of any day of the week, that's a good one to have, but
seeing as they're not on the actual Hellmouth here, I had to fix it. Because of
that, some scenes got changed around and edited, and I ended up with these
scenes in this chapter as sort of the leftovers after some middle stuff was
moved. Together, they were longer than I usually make my chapters, but apart,
they were shorter. So I could either post them separately as two short chapters
(one today and one Thursday) or smoosh them into one chapter. I opted for the
one long chapter. I hope no one's terribly upset by this or anything. lol
Hopefully, they flow the way I have them, and everyone enjoyed the read.
Please take a moment to review!
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Been Here Too Few Years