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Truth Denied	By : PervertedPages Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Slash - Male/Male > Spike(William)/Xander > Spike(William)/Xander Views: 22484 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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After dinner they sat around the table drinking coffee in Spike's apartment. Well, everyone but Xander who got the special nighttime tea. He looked at it dubiously, then breathed in the scent, and that alone calmed him down. He smiled and had a sip. It was cloying, like honey, but almost minty, catnip? He didn't know, but it was good, it tasted of wood or roasted herbs or something, he wanted more. He had another sip and sighed with contentment. “You guys gotta try this tea, it's something else, I mean, it's amazing! I love this tea, I think I want this tea all the time before bed, it's so... perfect.” He sipped again, and sighed.

Spike laughed. “Naw mate, doctor prescribed it just for you, so you take your medicine, and we'll see how things turn out.” He smiled and stroked Xander's leg with a finger, Xander giggled and relaxed.

“You know, I've never been able to say I love you to a man, not really, but I do, I love you Spike, William the Bloody, William Pratt,” he giggled. “All you Williams’s.” He looked down at his tea; it was almost empty, and he had a hard time opening his eyes after a blink.

He drained his mug and put it down, slapping himself. “Need to get to bed, need to sleep.” He got up and fell down into a pile, giggling.

Ben laughed, “I'll pour you into bed, come on.” He got up and bent over, picking up Xander over his shoulder and carried him into the second bedroom, gently putting him on the bed. Xander was asleep before he was fully horizontal, snoring happily. “That Lakshmi should have given us more of a warning about that tea.” He chuckled and undid one of Xander's shoes while Spike did the other. They got off his shirt together and eased him out of his belt and pants, leaving him in his boxers and under the covers.

He snored through it all.

They turned off the lights and closed the door and let Xander sleep in peace, hoping he got what he needed.

~*~

Jesse was there, at the fountain at high school, sitting there in a tank top and shorts, all tan and muscled from working as a groundskeeper at the golf course. He looked so good, just like that dream Ethan had made him have. Xander walked up to him, hand held out to stroke his face, “Jesse?”

Jesse smiled and nodded. “If you want to call me that, then I'm Jesse; I'm here as the last bit of the spell Ethan put on you. You're right, he didn't realize what he did when he did it, he gave you a greater gift than he realized, more than you realized.” He took Xander's hands and made him sit beside him at the fountain.

No other human could be heard or seen, no other noise, no dogs, no birds, just them in this part of Sunnydale. Xander didn't mind, he'd do anything to see Jesse again. “What did he give me?”

“The ability to be without your father.” Jesse whispered almost frantically.

“But I am without my father... I mean, he's not here, he hasn't been here for years and years.” Xander said, confused.

“But he still lives in you, in your heart, in your mind, an ugly little toad that doesn't let you grow into the person you are meant to be, not totally. Don't get me wrong, you'll have a wonderful relationship with Spike, but it won't be a fulfilling one, not nearly as fulfilling as a real one should be. You'll always feel empty, like there's something missing, like there's something extra you should be doing and you'll grow to hate yourself for it... you need this gift.” Jesse held Xander's hands against his chest.

“How?” Xander asked, simply, impossibly.

“You do realize you're asking yourself, right?” Jesse smiled and stroked a thumb across his lower lip.

“So you're saying I love myself?” Xander quirked an eyebrow.

“No, it's more complicated than that,” Jesse laughed.

“And because it's more complicated than that, I am asking you, how? You've got to have an idea. I want to love Spike, all of him, completely. I don't want to give him a maimed love, with a heart that's half beating, half bleeding... Please Jesse, help me.” Xander reached out and held his shoulders gently, thumbs moving in sensual circles.

“Fine, but if you screw it up, don't blame me, it's still your fault!” Jesse smiled and got up, Xander getting up and following him as he walked through the deserted town.

“I won't. I know it'll be my fault, it's all in my head!” He followed to the Espresso Pump, where waiting for them were two steaming cups of tea.

Jesse grabbed them and gave one to Xander and took the other. Xander sipped his cautiously. “This is the tea I drank that put me to sleep!”

“You're already asleep here. Will just bring you clarity of mind here, don't worry, won't lead you wrong. Now drink up.” He sipped.

Xander drank his and had to admit, his nervousness, his anxiety, all his jitters were a thing of the past. He was calm, he could concentrate on any topic for whatever depth he needed and he didn't tire, he looked with awe at the tea. “If this stuff didn't put you to sleep, it would be an amazing study aid!”

“Now you know why she makes it so it makes you sleepy, you're safer here. Here you can control what you think on, out there? What if someone called you about the death of a relative or a bad breakup? That's the worst kind of harshing your mellow ever. This is safe, and brings you closer to your true self... so, how to be without your father.... How to explain this without simply being.” Jesse fretted and plucked at his lower lip as he sat at the coffee shop table, hair falling to cut into his eye line, but he left it and just thought.

“Wait, why don't I just let you be, for me? I mean, you're me, right? So that should work!” Xander smiled and sipped, feeling mellow too, it was a shot in the dark, mostly to see how this idea of self went, but Jesse shook his head and fixed his hair with his hand.

“I can be, for me, not for you, you'd have to give up being you, and I don't want that. I'm happy being a little helper person on the side, I don't want to run the show, I'm sure it would overwhelm me very shortly.” He shook his head. “It's your life Xander, no pawning it off now that you're trying to find a back door into what you want out of it.”

Xander groaned. “Fine fine fine, whatever. So how do -I- do it?”

Jesse pursed his lips and blew over the top of his tea, cooling it a little before taking a sip. “You lived it, just live it again.”

“'Just live it again'? Simple as that 'just live it again', sure why not? I got another twenty years in my back pocket, and I can forget the abuse and just pretend I'm a child growing up again, sure why not? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” Xander screamed, then chugged back the rest of his tea and sagged. “Sorry dude, sorry, didn't mean to yell, dude, just frustrated. Sorry, sorry.”

Jesse laughed, “Like I said, I'm you, you're yelling at yourself, I don't mind.” He sighed and tried to start up a few times, but falsely, unable to actually say anything. “You gotta... in your your mind, have no other past but that past, believe it, it'll slip in there, Ethan's magic was strong, that hallucination can become your reality in a few short days if not shorter.” Jesse sipped his tea.

“In my mind? So... how?”

“When you think of your past you have to think of your dream, your hallucination past, block everything else out, you gotta be merciless in this, and seriously, in a few short, very very short days, it'll be real to you.” Jesse shrugged.

“But what about our kiss? It never ended well, and I killed.... I killed you when Buffy came... things didn't turn out like the dream.” Xander cupped Jesse's cheek.

“You can have the kiss, and everything up till you have to... kill me, have it with Ethan's blessing, idiot that he was, you'll have a better past for it, but be merciless, and it will be your past, alright? That spell was powerful. That's why most people don't snap out of it, they become their fantasy and just... are lost... forever. Do it Xander,” Jesse smiled at him. “With my blessing, do it.”

“Oh Jesse,” Xander leaned over and hugged Jesse. “Thank you, I have always loved you, even when I wasn't allowed to, I loved you. Oh Jesse,” he hugged him and cried softly. “But do you mean it? I can have my normal, real history, Buffy, Willow, Dawnie, all the wackiness that ensues, I just have to change my memories to the point where I kill you? Then I’ll be free?”

“The rest of your history will remain untouched, your dallyances with women will be you getting hit on by women and wanting to try it, since your heart was broken for real romance. You never thought you could love again until you met Spike, here. When he saves you it’s just pure damsel in distress, love the hunk who rescues you syndrome, you’ve got it bad. And you’ve got it forever. You and Spike? You’re going to be together for a long long time, you can just feel it.”

“Oh Jesse,” he sobbed and held him. “I’m going to miss you, but I’ll finally have you, thank you Jesse, thank you. Oh Jesse.” He sobbed and held his first love with shaking arms.

“Shhh Xander, you're going to wake up, and you don't want to remember crying, you want to remember Ethan's magic, how strong it was, how you're going to make his magicked history your real history. You gotta remember, Xander. Remember how Ethan screwed up and how you’re going to use it against him.”

Xander clung to him and sniffled. “I'll remember, I'll remember.” And kept holding him as everything else faded away, and his dream melted to nothingness, and he fell into a dreamless sleep for the rest of the night, his mind busy cataloging and comprehending his dream, while he passed it in oblivion.
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