Complicated Grief | By : PencilNeck Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female Views: 3194 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. |
Chapter 5: Anger
“FAITH!”
Buffy opens her eyes.
She can’t sit up. She can’t…
“Buffy?” It’s not Faith’s voice. Too British.
“Giles?” Buffy looks for him in the room.
“It’s me. I’m here.” Giles steps out of the dark. A weak smile. Tentative. “I came as soon as Faith called.”
“I-I…” Buffy beams up at him, reaching out for him. “Thank you.”
“Ahh. Well.” Giles looks away briefly. He lets her take his hand. “It’s been… erm… difficult…”
Buffy can feel herself welling. The thickness at her throat and the tightness in her stomach make it hard to talk.
“For me too.”
“How are you feeling?” Giles still can’t bear to see tears in his slayer’s eyes. “Faith said you were badly wounded.”
“I got shot.” Buffy recalls it. The light. The sound. The pain. It makes her shiver in her hospital gown.
“I know.” Giles pats her hand.
“Giles?” Buffy starts, but her lip starts trembling and the tears spill out.
“It’s alright.” Giles sits on the edge of the bed. Wishing he could hold her. Instead he uses his free hand to smooth some errant hairs away from Buffy’s face. “Everything will be alright.”
It makes Buffy cry harder. Because it’s all she wanted to hear.
Giles sits by her. Watches over her. Wondering what it is about him that lets her be fragile.
“Where’s Faith?” Buffy’s voice crackles though his thoughts.
“She’ll be back.” Giles’ voice is comforting. “I needed her to take care of a few things.”
“You didn’t send her after Simone?” Buffy’s voice is not comforted. “Not by herself? Giles, she…”
“We got trouble, G.” Faith comes barreling through the door, holding a small plastic bag.
“I thought we might.” Giles stands, giving his slayer a knowing look. Buffy sees it. Remembers when those went to her.
“Get dressed, B.” Faith tosses the bag on Buffy’s lap. “You got like, two minutes.” She turns her head, looking out the window at blackness.
“I’ll keep an eye.” Giles quickly goes to stand watch outside.
Buffy pulls a pair of faded jeans out of the bag. They might have once been black, but now they’re a soft gray. A tee-shirt comes tumbling out with it. It has a little rainbow on it. Har-dee-har-har. She digs in further. Socks. Bra. And underwear, thank god. She’ll start there.
“OW!” Buffy yelps. She tries again, with one arm.
“Y’allright, B?” Buffy can hear the smirk in Faith’s voice.
“I’m fine.” Buffy wriggles her way into the underwear, grunting and wincing and breathing heavy with the effort.
“Don’t sound fine.” Faith’s voice sounds a little bit concerned. “We don’t really have time for this…”
“I can do it.” Buffy reaches for the jeans, sliding her legs over the edge of the bed. “I dress myself every day. I’m sure I can… OW!”
Faith turns and walks to the edge of the bed. She crouches down, her face at eye level with Buffy’s. Slowly, she takes the clothing out of Buffy’s clutching hand. “S’okay.” She puts a hand on Buffy’s bare knee. “I got this.”
Buffy looks away with a sigh. And once again puts herself in Faith’s hands.
**************************************************
“Which way?” Buffy whispers to Giles.
“Left, to the stairs.” It’s Faith that answers. “Then down and through the underground parking.”
Giles motions for the girls to stay back. He peers around the corner. “All clear.”
“I’m really hating all this running away.” Buffy mumbles.
“This isn’t running.” Giles corrects her. “This is avoiding.”
They turn the corner together, walking rapidly through the corridor. They reach the stairs, and quietly file through the door.
“Buffy the Evil Avoider… It has a ring.” Buffy struggles down the steps. Faith grabs her arm and takes some of the weight. “And what evil type thing are we speed-walking away from, anyway?”
“Human.” Faith glances behind her. “Twilight’s version anyway.”
“The same creeps from the airport?” Buffy looks too. Nothing there.
“Yeah.” Faith urges Buffy forward. “So we can’t kill them.”
“We could just hurt them a little…” Buffy pouts. Then winces when her elbow smacks into the banister.
“B, you couldn’t hurt their feelings right now.” Faith takes Buffy’s arm and rubs it a little, soothing the sting.
“Could too! I have lots of handy quips and taunts. I could be Buffy the Evil Taunter!” Buffy’s not sure what she’s arguing about.
“You kinda already…” Faith gets cut off.
“We’re safe thus far.” Giles stops on the landing. He opens the door a crack and looks through.
“Please say there’s a car… Please say there’s a car…” Buffy repeats it to herself as she makes it down the last few steps. She looks a little tired.
They walk through the door. Faith releases Buffy to Giles with an apologetic look.
“Stay here. I’ll be right back.” And she speeds away into the lot.
Buffy looks up at Giles. “Please say there’s a car?”
Giles smiles at her. There’s a twinkle in his eye that concerns Buffy a little.
“I believe Faith is procuring one as we speak.”
**************************************************
“Stop it!” Buffy grunts. “You keep poking me with your elbow!”
“Well, you keep snoring!” Faith rolls onto her back. “I’m try’na sleep!”
“I do not snore.” Buffy tries to roll away dramatically, forgetting her shoulder. She winces. “I’m injured! You’re supposed to be looking after me, not bruising my ribs with all the elbowing!”
Faith rolls onto her side. Props her head up with her hand. “Listen up, Princess. I haven’t slept in a bed since you got here. I’m wiped out. So quit your constant whining, and let me get some GODDAMNED SLEEP!” And Faith flops back into the pillows.
Buffy tries to be quiet. She shifts around on her back. Her bandage itches. Her leg is sweaty where it’s touching Faith’s leg. The stitching for the rainbow on her shirt is scratchy, and her underwear is riding up in all the wrong places.
“Faith?” Buffy whispers. “Faith! Are you asleep?”
No movement.
“C’mon! My sister fakes better than you.” Buffy nudges her.
“WHAT!?” Faith roars at her.
Buffy cringes. Hides her head under the blankets.
“Nothing.”
Faith rolls away from her.
“That’s what I thought.”
*************************************************
“Mmmm.” Buffy’s warm. Tingly and warm all over. And her shoulder only hurts a little.
She curls her leg up so she can feel it everywhere. The softness. She burrows her head in it. Takes a deep breath of the clean spicy scent, exhales it with a sigh.
Warmth under her hand. Like hot silk. Hot silk with curves… and tiny little hairs, and… Oh nipples.
Buffy opens one eye. She can see dark wavy hair. She tilts her head slowly. Opens the other eye. Finds her hand where she was most afraid it would be. Off gallivanting on Faith’s breast. Still idly crossing back and forth over the increasingly erect little bud. Paying no attention to her demands that it cease and desist. Or at least that it find its way out from under Faith’s shirt. Maybe it’s an evil hand…
Buffy quickly looks up, making sure that Faith’s still asleep. Eyes closed? Check. Breathing deep and rhythmic? Check.
With that settled, she forces her hand to move down. Inch by inch, she drags it away from the impressive peak it was exploring. She breathes a sigh of relief when it reaches the hem of Faith’s shirt. She just has to roll away. Then she’ll be…
Faith’s firm grip on her wrist, holding her hand flat and firm on tight stomach muscles. Faith’s dry cracked voice. “Tease.”
“Oh crap.” Mission failure. Code red. “I uh… sorry!” Buffy pulls at her hand, perfectly fine with it being torn off at the wrist.
“Don’t be sorry.” Faith’s eyes are still closed. Her grip still holding Buffy’s hand to her. “Unless you’re not gonna finish the job.”
“What? Um… I…” Colour Buffy bright red.
“You’re up to speed with the girl on girl, right?” Faith’s face is stone. Her voice is stone. Not at all soft. “I bet you got mad skills from your chick, Fat Suit.”
“Wha-!” Buffy tugs at her hand, but it’s held fast, grinding down on Faith’s hip.
“And it’s not like you’re cheating, right?” Faith rubs Buffy’s hand over the elastic covering her hipbone. Starting a slow southern descent. “Not like she’ll even have to know.”
“Faith? You’re hurting me. Give me back my hand.” Buffy attempts a calm voice. “We can talk about this…”
“Why? I know the sitch.” Buffy feels her fingers push into Faith’s inner thigh. “You’re missin’ your girl. You’re lonely, right? You wanna little piece before you go running back to her.”
“How can you say that?” Buffy yanks hard, pulling it away with a little gasp of pain. But Faith’s still attached to her wrist. “That’s not it at all!”
With a low growl, and incomprehensible speed, Buffy finds herself pinned to the bed. Faith on top, holding her down by her wrists. Both eyes wide open now.
“Then tell me. How is it?” Faith snarls down at her.
Buffy opens her mouth. But she’s not brave enough. Nothing comes out.
“You were spilling your guts just yesterday, so what happened?” Faith smiles her evil smile. “Or was it just talk?”
“No!” Buffy writhes under Faith’s body. But mostly it’s the gaze that has her squirming.
“So enlighten me.” Faith loses the smile. “What the hell do you want from me?”
Buffy stops struggling. Starts thinking.
“Last chance.” Faith watches Buffy’s face. Watches her eyes.
“I don’t know.” Buffy closes them. Hiding the lie.
Faith flings Buffy’s wrists away. Rolls off, disgusted. “I knew it.”
“I don’t think you do.” Buffy sighs. “And that’s the problem.”
“Don’t care.” Faith rolls over, pulling she sheets over her shoulders. “You had your shot.”
“How can you sleep?” Buffy leans up awkwardly on the headboard.
“Easy.” Faith’s voice is back to calm. “I close my eyes. Pretend you don’t exist. You’re the expert on that.”
“I’m fully aware that you exist.” Buffy crosses her arms, only wincing a little. “Painfully aware, even.”
Faith snores. Loud, exaggerated nasal rumbling that Buffy finds increasingly annoying.
“Faith!” Buffy wants to slap the girl in the arm with her evil hand. “Would you STOP?”
The snoring stops, but it’s replaced by the sound of Faith chuckling quietly into her pillow.
“It’s not funny.”
“Is to me.” Which is also directed at the pillow.
“Fine.” Buffy slides back under the sheets. Keeps her body rigid, perilously close to the edge of the mattress.
Buffy blinks in the dark. Her mind turning faster and faster. She sighs. She’s never going to sleep like this.
“I’m sorry.” She whispers into the dark. “About the…”
“Feeling me up?” She gets a whisper back.
“It wasn’t on purpose. I woke up… like that.” Buffy doesn’t have the vocabulary for this conversation. “It was innocent…”
“Didn’t feel innocent to me.” Faith puts some more breath into her words.
“I know.” Buffy sighs again. “But I wouldn’t… um… I don’t…”
“Spit it out.” Faith shifts under the covers. “Sun’s coming up.”
“What I said.” Buffy says it slow. Trying to be precise. “I think it’s… true. But I don’t know what it means if it is true… And I don’t know if it even matters to you at all… But I don’t want you to think that I’d… that I’d do that. Use you.”
It’s a long break. Just breathing and quiet.
“Faith?” Buffy bites her nails. “You there?”
“Thinking.”
“Well can you think out loud?” Buffy tries to lighten her voice. She carefully settles onto her back. “I’m a little too traumatized right now for the silent treatment.”
“I was just realizing something.” Faith grunts and turns onto her back. “It’s kinda funny really.”
“Gonna share?”
“It’s all the same thing.” Buffy waits for Faith to continue.
“What you said yesterday. Why I tried to kill you again. It’s the same.”
“And now I see the funny.” Buffy raises a brow. “Gonna need more than that.”
Faith closes her eyes. Sighs deep and long. Words are hard for her.
“You pissed me off.”
“That’s it?” Buffy spits. “That’s your big share-time secret?”
“That’s the short of it, yeah.”
“What’s the long of it?”
“I was right. I was right and you were wrong and I still came out the bad guy.” Faith’s voice is rising. “I was trying to save Gigi. Save you! Still wound up with your fist in my gut and her blood on my hands! And it pissed me off!”
“But you…” Buffy starts.
Faith raises her hand to stop Buffy speaking.
“Don’t. Let me finish…” Faith wraps herself up in the sheets. “You didn’t hear me out. You didn’t…” Faith stops. Shaking her head.
“I didn’t what?” Buffy says it quietly.
“You didn’t trust me.” Faith looks up. “You never just trust me.”
Buffy blinks. Feels stinging behind her eyes.
“And I get it. But still, every time...” Faith turns to meet Buffy’s eyes. No stone left on her face. Only truth and hurt showing now.
“…it burns me up.”
Chapter 5: Anger
“FAITH!”
Buffy opens her eyes. She can’t sit up. She can’t… “Buffy?” It’s not Faith’s voice. Too British. “Giles?” Buffy looks for him in the room. “It’s me. I’m here.” Giles steps out of the dark. A weak smile. Tentative. “I came as soon as Faith called.” “I-I…” Buffy beams up at him, reaching out for him. “Thank you.” “Ahh. Well.” Giles looks away briefly. He lets her take his hand. “It’s been… erm… difficult…” Buffy can feel herself welling. The thickness at her throat and the tightness in her stomach make it hard to talk. “For me too.” “How are you feeling?” Giles still can’t bear to see tears in his slayer’s eyes. “Faith said you were badly wounded.” “I got shot.” Buffy recalls it. The light. The sound. The pain. It makes her shiver in her hospital gown. “I know.” Giles pats her hand. “Giles?” Buffy starts, but her lip starts trembling and the tears spill out. “It’s alright.” Giles sits on the edge of the bed. Wishing he could hold her. Instead he uses his free hand to smooth some errant hairs away from Buffy’s face. “Everything will be alright.” It makes Buffy cry harder. Because it’s all she wants to hear. Giles sits by her. Watches over her. Wondering what it is about him that lets her be fragile. “Where’s Faith?” Buffy’s voice crackles though his thoughts. “She’ll be back.” Giles’ voice is comforting. “I needed her to take care of a few things.” “You didn’t send her after Simone?” Buffy’s voice is not comforted. “Not by herself? Giles, she…” “We got trouble, G.” Faith comes barreling through the door, holding a small plastic bag. “I thought we might.” Giles stands, giving his slayer a knowing look. Buffy sees it. Remembers when those went to her. “Get dressed.” Faith tosses the bag on Buffy’s lap. “You got like, two minutes.” She turns her head, looking out the window at blackness. “I’ll keep an eye.” Giles quickly goes to stand watch outside. Buffy pulls a pair of faded jeans out of the bag. They might have once been black, but now they’re a soft gray. A tee-shirt comes tumbling out with it. It has a little rainbow on it. Har-dee-har-har. She digs in further. Socks. Bra. And underwear, thank god. She’ll start there. “OW!” Buffy yelps. She tries again, with one arm. “Y’allright, B?” Buffy can hear the smirk in Faith’s voice. “I’m fine.” Buffy wriggles her way into the underwear, grunting and wincing and breathing heavy with the effort. “Don’t sound fine.” Faith’s voice sounds a little bit concerned. “We don’t really have time for this…” “I can do it.” Buffy reaches for the jeans, sliding her legs over the edge of the bed. “I dress myself every day. I’m sure I can… OW!” Faith turns and walks to the edge of the bed. She crouches down, her face at eye level with Buffy’s. Slowly, she takes the clothing out of Buffy’s clutching hand. “S’okay.” She puts a hand on Buffy’s bare knee. “I got this.” Buffy looks away with a sigh. And once again puts herself in Faith’s hands. ***** “Which way?” Buffy whispers to Giles. “Left, to the stairs.” It’s Faith that answers. “Then down and through the underground parking.” Giles motions for the girls to stay back. He peers around the corner. “All clear.” “I’m really hating all this running away.” Buffy mumbles. “This isn’t running.” Giles corrects her. “This is avoiding.” They turn the corner together, walking rapidly through the corridor. They reach the stairs, and quietly file through the door. “Buffy the Evil Avoider… It has a ring.” Buffy struggles down the steps. Faith grabs her arm and takes some of the weight. “And what evil type thing are we speed-walking away from, anyway?” “Human.” Faith glances behind her. “Twilight’s version anyway.” “The same creeps from the airport?” Buffy looks too. Nothing there. “Yeah.” Faith urges Buffy forward. “So we can’t kill them.” “We could just hurt them a little…” Buffy pouts. Then winces when her elbow smacks into the banister. “B, you couldn’t hurt their feelings right now.” Faith takes Buffy’s arm and rubs it a little, soothing the sting. “Could too! I have lots of handy quips and taunts. I could be Buffy the Evil Taunter!” Buffy’s not sure what she’s arguing about. “You kinda already…” Faith gets cut off. “We’re safe thus far.” Giles stops on the landing. He opens the door a crack and looks through. “Please say there’s a car… Please say there’s a car…” Buffy repeats it to herself as she makes it down the last few steps. She looks a little tired. They walk through the door. Faith releases Buffy to Giles with an apologetic look. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” And she speeds away into the lot. Buffy looks up at Giles. “Please say there’s a car?” Giles smiles at her. There’s a twinkle in his eye that concerns Buffy a little. “I believe Faith is procuring one as we speak.” ***** “Stop it!” Buffy grunts. “You keep poking me with your elbow!” “Well, you keep snoring!” Faith rolls onto her back. “I’m try’na sleep!” “I do not snore.” Buffy tries to roll away dramatically, forgetting her shoulder. She winces. “I’m injured! You’re supposed to be looking after me, not bruising my ribs with all the elbowing!” Faith rolls onto her side. Props her head up with her hand. “Listen up, Princess. I haven’t slept in a bed since you got here. I’m wiped out. So quit your constant whining, and let me get some GODDAMNED SLEEP!” And Faith flops back into the pillows. Buffy tries to be quiet. She shifts around on her back. Her bandage itches. Her leg is sweaty where it’s touching Faith’s leg. The stitching for the rainbow on her shirt is scratchy, and her underwear is riding up in all the wrong places. “Faith?” Buffy whispers. “Faith! Are you asleep?” No movement. “C’mon! My sister fakes better than you.” Buffy nudges her. “WHAT!?” Faith roars at her. Buffy cringes. Hides her head under the blankets. “Nothing.” Faith rolls away from her. “That’s what I thought.” ***** “Mmmm.” Buffy’s warm. Tingly and warm all over. And her shoulder only hurts a little. She curls her leg up so she can feel it everywhere. The softness. She burrows her head in it. Takes a deep breath of the clean spicy scent, exhales it with a sigh. Warmth under her hand. Like hot silk. Hot silk with curves… and tiny little hairs, and… Oh nipples. Buffy opens one eye. She can see dark wavy hair. She tilts her head slowly. Opens the other eye. Finds her hand where she was most afraid it would be. Off gallivanting on Faith’s breast. Still idly crossing back and forth over the increasingly erect little bud. Paying no attention to her demands that it cease and desist. Or at least that it find its way out from under Faith’s shirt. Maybe it’s an evil hand… Buffy quickly looks up, making sure that Faith’s still asleep. Eyes closed? Check. Breathing deep and rhythmic? Check. With that settled, she forces her hand to move down. Inch by inch, she drags it away from the impressive peak it was exploring. She breathes a sigh of relief when it reaches the hem of Faith’s shirt. She just has to roll away. Then she’ll be… Faith’s solid grip on her wrist, holding her hand flat and firm on tight stomach muscles. Faith’s dry cracked voice. “Tease.” “Oh crap.” Mission failure. Code red. “I uh… sorry!” Buffy pulls at her hand, perfectly fine with it being torn off at the wrist. “Don’t be sorry.” Faith’s eyes are still closed. Her grip still holding Buffy’s hand to her. “Unless you’re not gonna finish the job.” “What? Um… I…” Colour Buffy bright red. “You’re up to speed with the girl on girl, right?” Faith’s face is stone. Her voice is stone. Not at all soft. “I bet you got mad skills from your chick, Fat Suit.” “Wha-!” Buffy tugs at her hand, but it’s held fast, grinding down on Faith’s hip. “And it’s not like you’re cheating, right?” Faith rubs Buffy’s hand over the elastic covering her hipbone. Starting a slow southern descent. “Not like she’ll even have to know.” “Faith? You’re hurting me. Give me back my hand.” Buffy attempts a calm voice. “We can talk about this…” “Why? I know the sitch.” Buffy feels her fingers push into Faith’s inner thigh. “You’re missin’ your girl. You’re lonely, right? You wanna little piece before you go running back to her.” “How can you say that?” Buffy yanks hard, pulling it away with a little gasp of pain. But Faith’s still attached to her wrist. “That’s not it at all!” With a low growl, and incomprehensible speed, Buffy finds herself pinned to the bed. Faith on top, holding her down by her wrists. Both eyes wide open now. “Then tell me. How is it?” Faith snarls down at her. Buffy opens her mouth. But she’s not brave enough. Nothing comes out. “You were spilling your guts just yesterday, so what happened?” Faith smiles her evil smile. “Or was it just talk?” “No!” Buffy writhes under Faith’s body. But mostly it’s the gaze that has her squirming. “So enlighten me.” Faith loses the smile. “What the hell do you want from me?” Buffy stops struggling. Starts thinking. “Last chance.” Faith watches Buffy’s face. Watches her eyes. “I don’t know.” Buffy closes them. Hiding the lie. Faith flings Buffy’s wrists away. Rolls off, disgusted. “I knew it.” “I don’t think you do.” Buffy sighs. “And that’s the problem.” “Don’t care.” Faith rolls over, pulling the sheets over her shoulders. “You had your shot.” “How can you sleep?” Buffy leans up awkwardly on the headboard. “Easy.” Faith’s voice is back to calm. “I close my eyes. Pretend you don’t exist. You’re the expert on that.” “I’m fully aware that you exist.” Buffy crosses her arms, only wincing a little. “Painfully aware, even.” Faith snores. Loud, exaggerated nasal rumbling that Buffy finds increasingly annoying. “Faith!” Buffy wants to slap the girl in the arm with her evil hand. “Would you STOP?” The snoring stops, but it’s replaced by the sound of Faith chuckling quietly into her pillow. “It’s not funny.” “Is to me.” Which is also directed at the pillow. “Fine.” Buffy slides back under the sheets. Keeps her body rigid, perilously close to the edge of the mattress. Buffy blinks in the dark. Her mind turning faster and faster. She sighs. She’s never going to sleep like this. She carefully settles onto her back. “I’m sorry.” She whispers into the dark. “About the…” “Feeling me up?” She gets a whisper back. “It wasn’t on purpose. I woke up… like that.” Buffy doesn’t have the vocabulary for this conversation. “It was innocent…” “Didn’t feel innocent to me.” Faith puts some more breath into her words. “I know.” Buffy sighs again. “But I wouldn’t… um… I don’t…” “Spit it out.” Faith shifts under the covers. “Sun’s coming up.” “What I said.” Buffy says it slow. Trying to be precise. “I think it’s… true. But I don’t know what it means if it is true… And I don’t know if it even matters to you at all… But I don’t want you to think that I’d… that I’d do that. Use you.” It’s a long break. Just breathing and quiet. “Faith?” Buffy bites her nails. “You there?” “Thinking.” “Well can you think out loud?” Buffy tries to lighten her voice. “I’m a little too traumatized right now for the silent treatment.” “I was just realizing something.” Faith grunts and turns onto her back. “It’s kinda funny really.” “Gonna share?” “It’s all the same thing.” Buffy waits for Faith to continue. “What you said yesterday. Why I tried to kill you again. It’s the same.” “And now I see the funny.” Buffy raises a brow. “Gonna need more than that.” Faith closes her eyes. Sighs deep and long. Words are hard for her. “You pissed me off.” “That’s it?” Buffy spits, leaning up on her good arm. “That’s your big share-time secret?” “That’s the short of it, yeah.” “What’s the long of it?” “I was right. I was right and you were wrong and I still came out the bad guy.” Faith’s voice is rising. “I was trying to save Gigi. Save you! Still wound up with your fist in my gut and her blood on my hands! And it pissed me off!” “But you…” Buffy starts. Faith raises her hand to stop Buffy speaking. “Don’t. Let me finish…” Faith wraps herself up in the sheets. “You didn’t hear me out. You didn’t…” Faith stops. Shaking her head. “I didn’t what?” Buffy says it quietly. “You didn’t trust me.” Faith looks up. “You never just trust me.” Buffy blinks. Feels stinging behind her eyes. “And I get it. But still, every time...” Faith turns to meet Buffy’s eyes. No stone left on her face. Only truth and hurt showing now. “…it burns me up.”
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