Magic Moments

“Oi.”

Giant, red, monster Mug.

“Huh?”

“Coffee.”

Closer inspection. Ordinary mug.

“…huh?”

“I made you coffee.”

Xander rubbed his eyes, shuffled into a sitting position and took the mug that had been ungraciously shoved in his face. “Um, thank you?” Xander said with more than a little suspicion in his voice.

“Welcome.”

“Why is the morning so dark?”

Spike shrugged. “That’s mornings for you.”

Xander looked over at the bedside clock. “Spike, it’s *three* in the morning.”

“Yeah, so? It’s still morning.”

Xander stared into the murky coffee and sighed in resignation. “Did you break the shower again? 'Cos, if you did, I am *not* getting up to fix it now. You’ll just have to stay dirty.”

“I didn’t break the shower! It weren’t me that broke it the last time!”

“No, of course not. It was the shower pixies, summoned by a band of greedy, demonic plumbers.”

“I didn’t. Break. The shower.”

“Right. Okay, then, money. You woke me at three in the morning for money? Couldn’t you have just stolen it like you usually do?”

“I don’t steal!”

“Oh, you so do.”

“I bloody don’t!”

“Spike, I’m always at least twenty bucks short.”

“Must have a hole in your pocket, then. Either that or you need to learn how to count. Didn’t they teach you arithmetic in school? Bring back the abacus, that’s what I say.”

Xander sighed again and gave up on the argument. He sipped at the hot coffee and spat it straight back out. “Euw, what did you make this with? You know you’re supposed to use *actual* coffee, right?”

“I did use coffee! It ain’t my fault you've got shit taste buds.”

“There is nothing wrong with my taste buds, thank you very much. My taste in roommates, now, that’s a *whole* other matter.”

Spike opened his mouth to make a tried and tested derogatory comment. A look that could slaughter a thousand cows snapped his jaw shut tight.

“Just tell me why I’m awake at three in the morning. And *don’t* even think about lying. Just remember, you chipped, me not.”

“Right. Need to tell you something…”

Long pause.

“Yeah, I’m waiting!”

“Hold your horses, for fuck's sake. I gotta get this right.” Yeah, I’d better get it right. Xander’s got hot coffee and he’s not afraid to use it. Damn it! I should have thought twice about that gesture. Bollocks. Right. Just tell him the truth, don’t make it sound like it’s your fault and tell him it might be fatal. Yeah. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. “Err, remember the Skuki demon?”

“How could I forget? Scary demon. You know, call me crazy, but I swear it was checking us out, you know, in *that* way. It definitely kept looking at your ass.”

“Yeah, actually, just before I gobbed off…erm, I mean, just before it grabbed us, I heard it say something about your chocolate orbs. Not entirely sure what it meant by that, though. I’m assuming it meant your eyes, but Skuki’s do have a sort of x-ray vision. It could have been talking about your…”

Xander quickly cut in with a fake chuckle. “Anyway! You had something to tell me?”

“Oh, yeah, well, you see.” Spike shifted uncomfortably on the bed. “You see…It’s like this…Err…”

“Are going to tell me anytime this year or shall I just get some shut-eye while you paraphrase all night?”

“Hang on, hang on. I’m getting to it.” Spike cleared his throat and took a deep breath. “The Skuki put the mojo on us and it sprogged you up with my nipper.”

~blink~

“I don’t suppose you could put that into *American* for me, could you?”

“The demon made you pregnant and apparently the kid is mine.”

~blink~

“Um…”

Spike suddenly remembered something. “Oh, and it might be fatal!!” he said quickly. It fell on deaf ears. Apparently Xander had only listened up to the word ‘pregnant’. Anything after that was as meaningless as an infomercial featuring felt umbrellas. Damn, should have mentioned it first!


**

Spike glanced at his watch and opened a bag of chips. Three-thirty-five.

Xander stared at the wall and remained as silent as a depressed rabbit that had recently died.


**

Spike glanced at his watch and opened another bag of chips. Three-fifty-five.

Xander stared at the wall. Depressed, dead rabbit? Still present and correct.


**


Spike put his feet up, glanced at his watch and silently moaned that there weren’t enough chips in the house. Four-twenty.

Xander stared at the wall. Depressed, dead rabbit? It decomposed some time ago.


**

Spike got off his arse and cautiously approached a rigid-with-god-knows-what Xander. If only he had some chips to lure the human back to life with.

Xander stared at the wall. The wascally wabbit had a family. They were also dead. Ten-bunny pile up on the freeway, apparently. The funeral had been pleasant. The wake was very quiet.

“Err, about was I said, about the fatal thing. That *might* not be exactly true. Not that you were probably listening at that point, but just in case you were, I *may* have made that bit up.”

Xander stared at the wall. The funny thing about rabbits is that, generally, they don’t say a lot, even when alive. The rabbit had a long lost, living cousin. He was particularly quiet. He went on to live a long happy life and spawned many, many other very quiet rabbits

**

Spike sat on the edge of the bed and glanced at his watch. Ten-past-five. “Xan? You alright? Don’t take it to heart, pet. We’ll sort it out. I’ll take you to see Giles. He’ll figure it out. Xan? You listening?”

Xander turned slowly to face Spike. “P-Pregnant?”

“Well…yes, technically. But don’t think of it like that. Think of it as a nasty spell that just needs a bit of fixing.”

“Fixing? Like a sandwich,” Xander said to himself. “Give me chips.”

“Chips? Oh, you mean crisps. Err, we haven’t got any…more.”

“No chips. I’ll get some,” Xander said with a determined nod.

Spike played along. “Right. I’ll come with you. We’ll take a nice little trip to see Giles while we’re at it. You like Giles. We’ll hide his glasses again. You like that game, don’t you?”

Xander nodded and threw back the covers. Crazy, la-la land took a hike and reality crashed down like an anvil on a bug-eyed coyote. Xander screamed. “OHMYGOD!”

Spike tried to comfort. It was very difficult when you were an evil, uncaring, unsympathetic, bloody-minded, stubborn, selfish and devastatingly handsome creature of the night. “There, there, pet. Just sank in, did it? Not to worry, Ol’ Spike will fix…it….Whatthefuckisthat?!”

Xander pulled up his t-shirt and ran a shaking hand over his stomach. “Why is it all big and round?! Do you think it was the pizza? I guess it was a couple of days old. But it’s never done this before!”

“Bloody hell, you really are a clot-brain! That ain’t the work of an evil, two-day-old pizza!”

“Not helping, Spike! Freaking out, here!” Xander jumped. “Ohmygod.”

“What? What is it?! It didn’t…Did it kick?”

“No.”

“Then what?!”

Xander grabbed hold of Spike’s arm for support. “I think…I think I’m having a craving.”

“Jesus, fuck me bloody!”


TBC…