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To Live Again	By : moosesal Category: AtS/BtVS Crossovers > Threesomes/Moresomes Views: 2327 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own AtS or BtVS. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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As Angel exited the elevator around the corner form Wesley's apent,ent, he heard the voices of two people arguing in the hallway -- voices he recognized.

"I told you last time, Lilah. It's over. Go away and don't come back. Ever."

"Oh come on, baby. You know you can't resist me. Haven't I always left you ... satisfied?" Angel could picture the sick smile that was surely on her face. He could also tell by her voice, that she was drunk."

"I don't want you, I never did. You were just a convenient fuck." Angel was surprised by Wesley's tone and language, but Lilah certainly deserved of such treatment. "And I'm not doing any work for you, so don't bother asking about that again either."

Angel turned the corner and watched the two of them. Lilah started to push her way into the apartment, "I'll make it real good for you, baby. You can do _anything_ you want."

Wesley stopped her and shoved her back into the hallway. "I _said_ I'm not interested. Go. Away," he ground out between clenched teeth.

Neither of them had noticed Angel move down the hall towards them until Angel stood behind Lilah and placed his hand on her shoulder. "I believe you've been asked to leave, Lilah. I'm sure it's a phrase you're quite familiar with."

"Yeah?" she replied, never taking her eyes off Wesley. "Fine. Your loss." She turned and walked off towards the elevators. Before rounding the corner, she turned back and spat out, "I'll be back and you'll be _begging_ for it. We'll see what your morals are then. You did it once, you'll do it again." With that she was gone.

Wesley and Angel stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity before Wesley finally broke the silence. "Angel."

"Wes." Angel continued to stare at the man he had missed for far too long. Here he was, standing right in front of him and Angel couldn't think of how to b. Wi. Will had convinced him to come here, but hadn't given him any tips on how to actually _tell_ Wesley how much he needed him.

Finally, Wesley spoke again. "Is there something I can help you with, Angel?" *What on earth is he doing here?* "Is everything all right? Has something happened to Will?"

"No ... Will is fine. Umm ... can we talk?" Wesley could see the uncertainty on Angel's face and wondered what could possibly have the vampire scared of him. Angel was certainly the stronger of the two, he had nothing to fear from Wesley. Not _now,_ anyway.

"Y-yes, of course. Please ... do come in." He said as he stepped aside and allowed his former friend to enter his home.

~*~
Meanwhile at the Hyperion ...

Will puttered around Angel's suite for a while, but he just wasn't ready to be left by himself for very long. As soon as he was alone, images from his past would come forth to haunt him. After pacing back and forth for an hour, he finally decided to venture downstairs; he could hear someone in the AI office as he entered the lobby.

Will rounded the corner into the office just as Cordelia was walking out. The two ran smack into each other, causing Cordelia to drop several files that she was carrying. "Spike! God you're as bad as Angel. Give a girl a warning, make a little noise before you give me a heart attack."

Will winced at being referred to as Spike, but was too startled to correct her. "S-s-sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He knelt before her and picked up the files she had dropped. "Here, you dropped these."

"Thanks," she muttered as she tried to not look into the vampires eyes. Her senses were picking up on his emotions. *Is that fear* "Sp-- I mean, Will? Is everything okay? You seem -- uncomfortable, maybe a little scared if I'm reading you right."

"Reading me?" he asked. *Oh shit, can she tell what I'm thinking?*

"Yeah. As you know, I'm part demon now. I'm not exactly an empath, and I can't tell what you're thinking, but I seem to be able to pick up on feelings when they relate directly to _me._ You're not afraid of me, are you?"

Will could see the concern in her eyes and didn't know how to tell her that he _was_ afraid of her. She had been in love with Angel and just learned that he and Angel were together. What if she wanted to get even? He couldn't protect himself against humans -- "Wait. You're part demon. I can hurt you. Can't I? I can bite you if I want." He smiled -- but it was a happy smile, not a wicked one.

"Like _hell_ you can." Cordelia had grabbed a stake and held it just above Will's heart. "I told Angel you were bad news."

"No! Wait! I'm not _going_ to bite you," Will backed away from her. "It's just ... I've been feeling rather helpless. Between the chip and now the soul, I've basically been neutered. But I can hurt demons. And you're half demon, which means I _could_ hurt you ... if I wanted to ..." Cordelia glared at him, "... but I don't. Want to bite you, that is."

"Oh." Cordelia slowly lowered the stake. "Why not?" *I'm perfectly bitable.*

Will grinned at her as he realized that she was floating about six inches above the ground. "Well, for one thing, you're floating which is kinda freakish. Second, I don't know if you'd taste good anymore." He smiled again.

"What?!" Cordelia screeched. "You don't want to bite me because you think I won't taste _good enough_?! That's ... that's just rude. You drink pig's blood for God's sake. How much worse could I be than that?" As she became angrier she rose higher above the floor.

Will laughed as he watched her floating. "You gonna come back down anytime soon, luv?" he smiled. Cordy looked down, not having noticed her predicament.

Now that she wasn't such a threat, Will finally started to relax around her and Spike was coming out. "If you want me to bite you, I guess I could _force_ myself to do it. Sorta like a taste test and then I could let you know if you're any good. Who knows? You could be a nice, nummy treat." He laughed again, remembering a long forgotten conversation with Xander.

"Eww. No way. Back off, blondie. You come near me with those fangs and I'm staking you, I don't care what Angel thinks of you."

"All right. Truce, no biting. That's not what I came down here for anyway. I already had breakfast," he smiled.

"So what did you come down here for then?" As Cordy began to calm down, she slowly sank back to the floor and stood before Will with a slightly impatient look on her face.

Cordelia's obstinance reminded Will of Buffy, the Buffy he had fallen in love with. She had been so forceful. Always made him spit it out, state what he came for and get out of her face. Hopefully, he and Cordelia could become friends without any of the complications that had screwed things up with the Slayer. "I was lonely," he mumbled.

"What? Sorry, but the demon gifts don't include enhanced hearing. You'll to to actually enunciate your words."

*Is she always so sarcastic? Does she speak to Angel with that tone of voice? He used to smack me for talking to him that way. Of course, Buffy was the same way and he fell in love with her. Maybe Angel's changed?* "I said ... I was lonely." He paused and looked up into Cordelia's eyes. "When I'm alone, it's hard to keep the memories away."

*Crap, he's upset and here I am arguing with him. Well, maybe it got his mind off things.* "I thought you and Wesley were going to work on that?"

"We are. We started last night, but evidently there's no quick fix. Watcher said it'll take a little while. So, I thought I'd see what was going on down here while Angel's out."

"Oh, well I was getting ready to go home. There's no active cases and since I'm Vision Girl, I'll be the first to know if something comes up. So, no reason to hang out here all night."

"Oh. Good night, then," he said and turned to go back upstairs.

"Wait, Will. I could stay if you want to do something."

"Well ... I was kinda thinking about going up to Sunnydale to get some of my stuff. Would you be up for a trip?"

"Up and back tonight?"

"Yeah."

Cordelia thought for a moment. *What the hell. I haven't been there in a while. And it'll be late when we get there, so I shouldn't have to see anyone.* "Sure, why not. You're not going to make me visit Buffy and the others, are you?"

The idea of running into any of the Scoobies was horrifying to Will. "No. Just stop in at my crypt and get a few of my personal items. I left my friend Clem to take care of the place while I was gone. Need to let him know he can stay there for good."

"All right, let's go then."

~*~
Back at Wesley's flat

Angel stood in the doorway to the kitchen as Wesley put a kettle on the s and and busied himself preparing tea.

"So," Wesley began, "what is it you wanted to talk about, exactly?"

Angel hesitated while Wesley just stared at him patiently. "I came to ask you to come back to work."

"Why?"

*Why? He's asking me why? Can't he just say 'Okay' and come back? Damn it Will, I'm not ready for this. What was I thinking, letting you talk me into coming here? I can't do this.*

"You're obviously not ready for me to return. If you were, you'd be able to answer my question."

*What is he? A mind reader. He knows _sharing_ isn't one of my strengths.* After hesitating for several long seconds while Wesley just stared at him, Angel finally blurted out, "We miss you."

"You miss me." Wes repeated, flatly.

"Yeah, we miss you. And ... we need you."

"We?"

"Yeah ... Gunn, Fred, Cordy ..." Angel trailed off, unable to finish. *Me. I miss you, Wes.*

"Ah ... I see. So why did they send _you_, if _they_ miss me and need me? Fred has been calling every week for the last few months, but she's yet to ask me to return to work. She asks me to _call_, but she's never asked me to come back. And Gunn and Cordy? I don't think so, Angel. What aren't you telling me?" Wesley's tone was sincere. He wanted to know why _Angel_ had come to see him. Angel, the man who should hate him, was standing in his kitchen telling him that everyone _but Angel_ missed him and needed him. Why?

"Okay ... truth?" Angel asked. Wes nodded. *Shit, I can't believe I'm doing this. Will, if this blows up in my face, I'm taking it out on you. Okay ... here I go...I can't do this. Yes I can. If I don't I'll look like an idiot. . . Right, I already look like an idiot. Dammit.*

"Well?" Wesley asked. He could see that Angel was fighting himself. Opening up emotionally had never been one of Angel's strengths. *He only shares things with people he feels close to. And we aren't close anymore.*

Angel saw Wesley frown. *Shit, if I don't start talking soon I'm going to ruin my only chance.* He looked in Wesley's eyes and let the truth flow from him. "_I_ miss you, Wes. And while the business needs you, we all know it can survive without you. I, however, cannot. Not seeing you, not talking to you ... it's killing me." Angel looked down at the floor, scared to face Wesley after saying so much.

Wesley studied Angel who was staring at the floor. Suddenly, the whistling kettle cut through the silence and startled them both. Wesley busied himself fixing the tea. "Will you be having tea? There's d ind in the icebox if you prefer."

"Blood?"

Wesley smiled to himself recalling Will's similar reaction the night before. "Yes. I picked it up for Will," he explained.

"Oh ... of course. Umm ... I'll just have tea. I ate before coming over." Angel realized that the ritual of tea with Wesley was just one more thing he had been missing all these months.

~*~
In Angel's car en route to Sunnydale

"So, what was heaven like? Were you happy there?" Will asked as they drove up the highway towards Sunnydale.

Cordelia was a bit surprised by the question. Just a few minutes ago they were discussing whether or not the Sex Pistols was really music. Cordy insisted that it was not music at all. They finally agreed to just turn the radio off. "Well, I wasn't really in heaven. At least not the way people are when they die. But ... it was ... an experience I will never forget." She paused a moment trying to figure out how to put her feelings into words that Will would understand, while not giving away information she had sworn to secrecy.

"I didn't exactly want to go." she stated. "I was on my way to the beach to meet Angel. I was finally going to tell him how I felt about him. That I was in love with him." She stopped, worried that her words might bother Angel.

"It's okay, Cordy. I know that there was something going on. And ... well, vampire hearing ..." She just stared at him. "I ... heard you two talking in the hallway this morning." Pause. "I'm sorry."

"Oh." She was quiet for a minute. "It's okay. It wasn't meant to be. I'm moving on." *It's not the first time my heart's been stepped on. And now I understand things better. It really _wasn't_ meant to be, but I can't really explain that to Will or anyone, for that matter. Forget about it and get on the with your story, Cordy.* "Anyway ... I guess I could have said no, but it didn't really seem like an option at the time. But when I got ... _up there_ ... with the Powers, it wasn't what I expected. I could see everything. I knew what Connor did to Angel and I couldn't do anything about it. I wanted to so much to come save him and all I could do was watch. It was painful and I couldn't take it. And ... well, the visions before had been intrusive, but ... suddenly I could see _everything_ bad happening _everywhere_. There was no filter and I wasn't prepared for that, I didn't want to deal with everyone else's problems.... I _couldn't_ deal with everyone else's problems." She paused and looked over at Will who glanced at her and then returned his eyes to the road.

"It sounds selfish now, but I just wanted to take care of my friends ... my family. So I put my foot down. I made them send me back. And they did." *Okay, so that's the abridged version, but I ... made some promises when I left. Promises that I cannot break.*

"That easy, huh? Somehow I don't buy it, Cordy. What did it cost you? We're talking about the Powers here. They never give you something for nothing."

"I ... I can't really discuss it. I took an oath, Will." He could hear the strain in her voice. He glanced over at her again and saw a single tear sliding down her cheek. He reached over and clasped her hand in his.

"It's okay, Cor, you hold onto your secret. When it's time to share it, you'll know." He smiled at her.

"Thanks, Will. So ... tell me about Africa." She was desperate to change the subject. Will obliged and told her about his trials before the demon and getting his soul as they continued the drive to Sunnydale.

~*~
Back at Wesley's ...

Wesley and Angel sat at opposite ends of the sofa sipping tea and feeling extremely awkward. "I'm sorry if my emotional outburst upset you Wes." Angel stated without looking at the other man. "I just wanted you to know why I'm here."

"I'd hardly call that an outburst, Angel. The encounter at the hospital?" He looked over at Angel, "_That_ was an outburst. This was just ... sharing your thoughts." He paused for a moment, continuing to stare at Angel. "Did you mean it?"

"Which part?"

"Which part?" Wes asked, raising his eyebrows. "Did you not mean all of it then, only some?"

"Yes. I mean, no. Shit, I don't know what I mean, Wes. What question am I answering?"

"Did you mean what you said to me in the kitchen? About missing me? And needing me?"

Angel was a bit surprised by how blunt Wesley's questions were. He was used to the man being a bit more shy. But after the pain and loneliness of the last few months, Wesley wasn't wasting time being shy. He figured he might as well ask what he wanted to know. He didn't figure his life could get any worse, he had nothing left to lose.

"Yes, I meant it." Angel finally replied as he turned to look at Wes. He found his eyes pulled to the scar at the man's neck. It wasn't too bad, the surgeons had done a good job with it and it would fade a bit more with time. Wesley noticed what Angel was staring at subconsciously reached his hand up to his neck tracing the thin line as he stared into space. His thoughts were disturbed by a question he hadn't expected, "What really happened that night?"

Reluctantly, Wesley began the long story of explaining how he had taken Connor, gone to his apartment to collect some of his things, and then been surprised when Justine slashed his throat, took Connor, and left him to die in the park. Angel stared into his teacup as he listened not just to the words, but to the sound of Wesley's voice. He could hear the pain in the voice of this man who had meant so much to him.

"Why did you do it, Wes? Why did you _really_ take him? Was it just to save his life because you thought I was going to kill him?"

Wesley sat silently for a moment, trying to put his thoughts into words. What _was_ his motivation? "I ... I did it for Connor,. Bu. But ... I did it for you." He looked up and saw that Angel was staring intently at him; the teacup he had been staring at an hour ago now sat empty on the table before him. "I believed the prophesy. I should have believed in _you,_ but I believed the prophesy. I took Connor because I knew that killing your son would have killed you. I thought I was protecting you both." His final words were a whisper. "I thought I was saving _you,_ Angel."

Both men cried silently as they sat there for what seemed like hours.

"Please forgive me," stated Angel.

"Forgive _you?_ What on earth for?" Wesley was amazed by Angel's request.

"For trying to kill you. ... No. For _wanting_ to kill you." Wesley just stared at him. "I _wanted_ you dead, Wesley. I wanted to do it. If they hadn't stopped me at the hospital, I would have done it. I wanted you to spend an eternity in hell. I wanted revenge."

"You had every right to, Angel. What I did to you was horrible. I caused you so much pain. It wasn't supposed to happen like that, it it did and I deserved far worse than what I got away with."

"No. You were trying to do the right thing. I was just so blinded by my pain that I couldn't see the truth. I ... I hurt so much and all I wanted to do was put it off on someone else." He stopped and wiped the tears from his face. "But hurting you only made me hurt more."

"I don't understand, Angel. You were justified in killing me, you still are." He stopped crying and his face grew calm. His voice was soft as he uttered the words he had been longing to share with someone. "Some mornings ... I wake up wishing I _were_ dead."

Angel stared at him unsure of what to say. He opened his mouth to offer words of comfort, but was stopped.

"Don't. Don't say your sorry, Angel. I have no one to blame for my situation but myself."

"What about Sahjhan?"

"He may have rewritten the prophesy, but I'm the one who didn't trust you. I forgot who you were. What kind of person looks at their friend and sees someone who could kill his own son?" Pause. "I know who you are, Angel, I just stopped believing in you. I let my mind control my heart."

"I understand, Wes. We've always counted on you to be the smart one in our group. To translate texts, to research prophesies, to know what to do. ... What are your heart and mind telling you now?"

"My heart tells me to trust you, to go back to work. To let time take over and heal the wounds between us all. My brain ... my brain tells me that I should stay away ... that you all are better without me ... that I'll only fuck things up again. That ... you'll all be better when I'm dead." Tears flowed down his cheeks and his voice shook as he broke down before Angel's eyes.

Angel rose from his spot and walked over to Wesley. He knelt before the man and held Wesley's face in his hands. "Look at me, Wes. We are not going to let you go anywhere. I am not letting you go. I need you." He pulled Wesley into an embrace and whispered in his ear, "Trust your heart, Wes. It's telling you the truth." Angel continued to hold his friend, rocking his body as hot tears soaked through his shirt and warmed his skin.

~*~
Spike's crypt in Sunnydale - 2 hours later

Will was standing in the upstairs area of his crypt telling Clem that he was welcome to stay there as long as he liked, because Will wasn't coming back. He had packed up the things he wanted most -- some clothes, his books and music, some photographs, and a few other objects he had picked up over the last century while traveling the world with Dru. The furniture, TV, and such were staying. Clem could do whatever he wanted with the items. As he made a final check of the room, Buffy burst through the door.

"Clem!? I saw Angel's car outside, is he--" she stopped talking when she saw Will standing in the middle of the room. "Spike."

"Buffy." He tried to remain calm, but her presence was slowly bringing down his defenses. He didn't want to break down in front of her, but if she didn't leave soon he was going to lose control and fall apart.

"Where the _hell_ have you been?!" she shouted at him. "What? You think you can hurt me and walk away for a few months. And then when you come back I'll be all 'Welcome back, Spike. We missed you.'?? I don't think so. What are you doing here?"

Buffy's yelling broke him. Will collapsed to the ground sobbing. All he could see was her bathroom. In his mind they were there again. He couldn't make the vision stop. Tears flowed down his face as he curled up into a ball on the floor of the crypt.

"Wow, Will, I never imagined a crypt would have such as nice ... bathroom." Cordelia's happy voice died as she climbed the ladder and saw her new friend lying on the floor. "Will? Will?!" She went to his side and pulled his body into her arms. She looked up and saw Buffy just staring at them. "What they hell happened?"

Buffy didn't answer, she just stared with her mouth open.

"What happened, Buffy? What did you do to him?" Cordelia demanded.

"N-n-nothing. I just asked him what he was doing back here."

"We're just picking up some of his things. We'll be gone soon. If you could leave us alone, I'll get him out of here and you won't have to worry about it anymore," Cordy replied snidely.

"What's going on, Cordelia?" Now Buffy was the one demanding answers.

"I don't have time to explain things right now. Just leave, Buffy, you're upsetting Will. I'll have Angel call and explain things tomorrow. Just go ... please." She looked at Buffy. Buffy could see in her eyes that Cordelia was serious. Something was wrong with Spike and Buffy was making it worse.

"Fine. But Angel better call, if he doesn't I'm coming to L.A. to find out what the hell is going on."

When Buffy had left the crypt, Cordelia held Will, rocking him slowly. She ran her fingers through his hair and put her "powers" to work and tried to calm him. "Shh, Will. It's going to be okay. She's gone now. Come back to me, Will. It's okay, it's just me, Cordy. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you." She tried soothing him with her voice, but it didn't seem to be working.

Finally, she pulled out her cell phone and called Angel. Hopefully, he had his phone with him and had turned the thing on. Ring. Ring. Ring.

~*~
Meanwhile in L.A.

After Angel had finally stopped Wesley's tears, the two had sat and talked about everything they'd been through over the last few months. Their thoughts, fears, and mistakes as well as their hopes for the future. They were interrupted by Angel's cell phone ringing. Angel looked at the screen and saw that it was Cordelia. *Damn it, her visions always come at the most inconvenient times.* He smiled apologetically at Wesley as he answered the phone. "Cordy. Is everything alright?"

"No. I'm with Will and he's upset. I can't calm him down, Angel. I don't know what to do for him."

Angel could hear the panic in her voice. *It must be bad. Shit, why did I leave him alone?* "I'll be home in a minute, just hold on."

"Angel ... we're in Sunnydale."

"What?!" *Will hadn't said anything about going to Sunnydale. What the hell are they doing there?*

"He wanted to pick up some of his things and asked me to come along so he wouldn't be alone. I guess it's a good thing I came, because Buffy showed up at the crypt and he just fell apart. You need to call her tomorrow or she's coming to L.A. to figure things out for herself. I didn't tell her anything."

"She doesn't know about his soul. He didn't know how to tell her." Pause. "Can you put him on the phone? Maybe I can calm him down enough that you can bring him home."

Angel could hear Cordy talking to Will and trying to put him on the phone. "He won't move, Angel. I can hold the phone to his ear if you want to try talking."

Wesley reached towards the phone. "Perhaps I can help, Angel?" Angel nodded and handed him the phone.

"Cordelia?"

"Wesley?" Cordelia was stunned to hear his voice on the phone. *What's Wes doing with Angel?*

"Umm ... yes, Cordy. It's me. Can you hold the phone to Will's ear?"

"Umm ... sure." Cordelia knew that Will was working with Wesley to learn to deal with his visions. If anyone could help right now, it was probably him. She held the phone to Will's ear.

Wesley could hear his friend crying through the phone. *Here goes nothing.* "Will? Will, it's Wesley. I want you to concentrate on my voice. Focus on it and relax. I want you to look inside yourself and see your protector. Do see see him? He's sitting there in his chair, waiting for you to join him in your special room. Look at him, Will. See nothing but him, he's not going to let anything hurt you right now." Wesley could no longer hear Will crying and hoped that meant he was relaxing. "Can you talk to me Will?"
"Yes." Will's response was very soft, but it was distinct. Wesley could hear his voice and knew that everything would be alright. "Can you get in the car with Cordelia and come home to me and Angel?"

"You're going to be there?" he asked. Wesley could feel the uncertainty in Will's voice.

"Yes, Will. I'll be at the hotel when you return. Let Cordy bring you home and we'll take care of everything. Just focus on your protector, he'll keep you safe during your journey."

"Okay." Will handed the phone back to Cordelia and walked out of the crypt towards the car.

Cordelia watched him and then spoke into phone. "Whatever you said worked, Wes. Tell Angel we'll be home soon."

"We'll see you in a couple hours. Drive safely, Cordy." Wesley hung up the phone and looked at Angel. "We should go ahead and head over to the hotel and prepare for Will's arrival. Would it be okay if I brought a few things? I'd like to stay there a while in case he needs me." While they had talked about their feelings, their pasts, and their future over the last two hours, Wesley was still uncertain how welcome he really was.

"Of course ... Wes?"

"Yes, Angel?"

"You know that I want you there -- not just for Will. I want you there _with_ us. With us both. I love you and I'd like you to come -- to stay. I know you probably need time and space, but please remember that I love you. I meant everything I said. All those months I spent in that box and the last few weeks ..." Angel's voice trailed off as he stared into Wesley's eyes. "I love you," he whispered before kissing him softly.

Wesley stepped back and stared at Angel for a moment. He then nodded and walked to his bom tom to pack a few things. There were tears in his eyes, but he was happy. Maybe life was worth living.
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To Live Again