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Been Here Too Few Years	By : addielogan Category: > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 18659 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Buffy came home wanting to kill something.
Sometime since this morning, someone had put up a billboard�a freaking
billboard�advertising the Dingoes' new album. As if the magazines and the locker
pin-ups hadn't been enough, now she had to look at the face of Spike Kong every
day to and from work.
She was going to have to find another route,
no two ways about it.
She dropped her things on the table and
slipped her shoes off before going into the kitchen, snatching a note off the
refrigerator door and reading it.
Studying at the library. Be back
sometime. Cell phone's on vibrate, so call me if there's an apocalypse or
something.

�� Dawn
Buffy smirked as she put the note in the
trash, glad her sister had finally started letting her know before she up and
disappeared. Dawn had begged Buffy to let her stay with her instead of living
in the dorms when she'd started college at UCLA, and while Buffy had finally
relented, she and Dawn had butted heads when it came to Dawn's level of
freedom. Buffy had finally gotten through to her younger sister that she didn't
necessarily care how long Dawn stayed out or where she went, she just wanted to
know what was up so she wouldn't worry or so she could get in touch with her if
something bad happened. Ever since then, Dawn had joked about letting Buffy
know where she was "in case of apocalypse," and Buffy had figured
teasing notes were better than no notes at all.
Buffy grabbed a few containers of leftovers
out of the fridge, dumped them on a plate, and stuck it in the microwave. While
she waited for her dinner to heat up, she went into her bedroom and changed
into a pair of light cotton pants and a camisole top.
After retrieving her dinner, Buffy went into
the living room and settled down on the couch. She was already pushing thoughts
of the billboard out of her mind, wanting instead to spend a nice, relaxing
evening in front of the television without having to deal with memories of her
ex.
With her plate settled in her lap, Buffy
picked up the remote control from the arm of the couch and turned on the
television. The immediate blast of sound told her Dawn had been the last one to
watch it, and as she quickly moved to turn down the volume, she realized Dawn
had also left it on some music channel.
A music channel that was currently playing
one of Spike's videos.
"Figures this would be the time they
decide to play their one music video of the day," Buffy grumbled, quickly
switching the channel before she had the chance to get sucked in by his voice,
his face.
She didn't quite make it. The next channel
she reached was interviewing the band, and the sound of Spike's laugh
made her stop abruptly. How she'd missed that sound�
The remote control fell from her hand almost
unbidden, and she sat her plate on the coffee table before leaning forward,
unable to stop herself from giving in to her desire to watch him, despite the
pain it caused.
He looked good, she realized with a pang in
her heart. Really good. His hair was a little longer with more curl to
it, and while it was still bleached, it was not the stark white it had been
when they were together. Most of what she'd seen of him recently was still
photographs, and according to the image at the bottom of the screen, this
program was being filmed live.
She was watching Spike, in that moment. It
seemed more real than the magazines or even the billboard. It wasn't just the
specter of his face haunting her, it was him. His movements, his voice,
his smile. It's what he would look like now, if he were sitting beside her.
Buffy knew she should change the channel.
Watching him like this was something akin to torture, and there was no reason
for her to do this to herself.
Especially when the interviewer's next
question pierced through her fogged brain.
"So, Spike, you and Eve Hart are
getting pretty serious, huh?"
Spike smiled, a grin Buffy had once thought
was reserved for only when he was talking about her, and her heart broke a
little more. "Yeah, it's going well," Spike replied. "We've been
together about six months now. Eve's out of the country filming a movie right
now, but we've been talking every day, and I recently got to spend a little
time over there with her."
"There's been quite a few rumors of an
upcoming aisle walk," the interviewer replied, pointing out a fact Buffy
was all too keenly aware of. It was the perfect tabloid fodder, and the
question that assailed her any place where magazines where sold. "Any
truth to that?"
Spike cleared his throat. "If there's a
wedding coming up, it's a surprise to me, too," he replied.
"Honestly, we haven't even talked about it. Seems like
if you spend any time with someone at all, the media's marrying you off the
next day."
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief, leaning
back against the pillows. She wanted Spike to be happy, to find someone to
spend the rest of his life with, but for some reason she couldn't quite name,
she didn't want that person to be Eve Hart. For one thing, the woman's highly-publicized
divorce from her ex-husband, fellow actor Lindsey McDonald, had not painted a
pretty picture of her at all. Not that Buffy believed everything she read in
the tabloids, but with that many people saying Eve was a horrible bitch, odds were there was some truth to it.
The show's host announced a commercial
break, but a live performance from the Dingoes when they came back. Buffy knew
this was her chance to escape. With Spike off the screen, the hypnotic pull of
his eyes was gone, and she could change the channel, find something less
painful to watch. The Discovery Channel was supposed to be running something on
monkeys�
While she was trying to will herself to go
towards the monkeys, the commercial break ended. The show's host announced the
song as something off the new album, declaring it the first time anyone would
hear it. Buffy knew she should really go now. It was bad enough listening to
him talk, but hearing him sing�watching him perform? Why was she doing
this to herself?
She lowered the remote to the television,
telling herself to push the damn button already, but her eyes fixated on the
screen as the band began to play and Spike approached the microphone. She
realized with a lump already forming in her throat that she hadn't seen him
perform anything live since that last day in the recording studio with Mona.
Spike closed his eyes and took a deep
breath, then opened them again and looked directly into the camera, making
Buffy gasp. His eyes were still so blue�
"I remember what you told me

Last I said I wanted you.

A crooked smile played

Across your lips and you said,

'Damn all you men are just the same.'"
It took only that first verse to let Buffy
know he was singing about her, and her hands started to tremble. She remembered
the moment he was talking about, and while his implications there seemed a
little skewed in her opinion, it was enough their moment to rule out him
singing about anyone else. Her breath caught as she leaned forward more,
wanting this glimpse into what Spike felt about her now that they hadn't seen
each other in three years. Had he been able to forgive her for the pain she
knew she'd caused him?
"It's been a long time, that's granted,

But I bet you haven't changed.

It's been a longtime since I was okay.

"In the year we spent together,

I fell in love with your honesty.

You never told me that

Your sweet words were never meant to apply to me."
Buffy's heart sank. Apparently, forgiveness
was not on the menu. Was that truly what Spike thought about her now? Did he
think she'd merely been playing him, telling him things she'd never really
meant? More than anything else, Buffy didn't want that to be true. She wanted
him to know, even with the way things had ended, she'd loved him. Everything
she'd ever said to him was meant for him and him alone.
His eyes held a look of pain as he sang, and
Buffy couldn't know him as well as she did and not see it. Spike always poured
all of himself into his songs, and now was no exception. She could see every
play of emotion across his face, telling her without a doubt that he meant what
he sang.
"It's been a long time, that's granted,

But I bet you haven't changed.

It's been a longtime, since I was okay.

"You're so perfect,

Put together.

Love, your beauty is faultless.

But what I thought was

Done for my eyes

Was really building a fortress.
"It's been a long time, that's granted,

But I bet you're just the same.

It's been along time since I was okay."
As the song came to a close, Buffy couldn't
stop the tears running down her cheeks. The last verse cut her the deepest, the
bitterness in his words and voice giving her a clear picture for the first time
of what she'd really done to him. She hadn't meant to make him hate her, to
make him think she could do anything but love him.
The full weight of his words hit her hard,
and Buffy finally turned off the television before running out of the room and
to her bed, dinner long forgotten.

***
*** ***
By the time her alarm went off the next
morning, Buffy had already been awake for a while�if she'd ever really gone to
sleep at all. It had been a restless night, her thoughts racing too quickly to
allow her any real rest. She'd heard Dawn come in at some point, but Buffy
hadn't gotten up even then, far from in the mood to see anyone, even her
sister.
Eventually, she'd come to the conclusion
maybe it was better if Spike hated her. She had, after all, left in
order to keep her from hurting his career. Perhaps if he saw her as the villain
of the piece, it would make it easier for him to move on, like he obviously had
with Eve.
It hurt her more than she ever would've even
imagined to think of Spike holding so much anger towards her, but Buffy hadn't
done this for herself. Leaving Spike had been the last thing she'd ever truly
wanted to do, even with the problems in their relationship at the time, but she
sacrificed her own feelings for what would be better for him. She had to keep
doing that, had to deal with the pain of his animosity now.
Spike's career had prospered since she had
left him, no tabloid spins turning their relationship into something sordid and
incestuous keeping him from being launched into superstardom. So the break-up
had left him bitter towards her�she'd expected as much. Even with the hurt
she'd caused him, he seemed to be doing fine these days. His career had taken
off with no signs of slowing down, and he had a movie star girlfriend. Writing
a song or two about her notwithstanding, Buffy doubted Spike spent too much
time these days mourning the loss of their relationship.
She turned off her alarm and sat up, sighing
heavily as she did. She was half tempted to call in sick, though she knew she
had a couple of meetings that day with students she'd really wanted to talk to.
Besides, she didn't think, "I saw my ex-boyfriend on television last
night, and now I want to crawl in a hole and die" was an acceptable reason
for skipping work. She needed to suck it up and act like the independent woman
she was.
With another sigh, she set herself forward
to attempt to do just that.

***
*** ***
The song in this chapter is "Long
Time," written and sung by some James Marsters guy. Maybe you've heard of
him� Anyway, I changed a couple of words, so if you're familiar with the
lyrics, I did it on purpose, so you don't have to tell me I'm wrong.
Please review.
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- 49
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Been Here Too Few Years