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The Silent Urge Series	By : Druffine Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Slash - Male/Male > Spike(William)/Xander > Spike(William)/Xander Views: 25061 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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44 � Despair
~ Xander ~

�Just give us a sec�.� I yell, but Angel has already opened the door and (took)(taken) some steps out into the living room. He drags me with him, but keeps in front of me as if to shield my body from their eyes. Okay, I get it, I�ve got to shut up and let him handle the situation. He knows I�m not good with that.

�Where�s your shirt?� Buffy asks and there�s a terrible hitch in her voice. Like an afterthought she adds: �Is Xander okay?�

Angel nods at her. �He will be. Just needs some rest and he�ll be back on his feet in no time.�

�Can I talk to you, Angel, privately?� Giles intervenes and I drop my head, my cheeks flaming. I can guess what he has to talk about with Angel.

�I don�t think there is anything here anyone should talk about without Xander, especially if it concerns his person, don�t you think, Giles?� Angel shoots back and I�ve got to suppress a smirk.

�Well, maybe you�re right.� Giles says and takes off his glasses. I really don�t like the tone of voice he chooses. �Do you have any idea why Xander would willingly put himself in a slave-like relationship with Spike � who obviously was able to hurt him, for which we still have no idea how - or should we start to prepare dealing with rape issues?�

Oh shit. How am I supposed to answer that without them locking me up or even worse? I�m not a slave, I�m supposed to become his partner, I�m marked and I love him. They don�t want to hear, don�t want to know and couldn�t possibly understand it. Maybe Buffy would, but she only makes exceptions from her black and white rules for her own good. Because she�s the Slayer and she knows best. Giles didn�t support the relationship between Buffy and Angel either, even before the whole thing went to hell and back. Same bad experience for Willow concerning cross-racial-relationships; see Oz.

�I want to go home. Really. Got to sleep. Angel would you take me home?� I don�t dare to look at any of them. I really want to go home, home to Spike, not to the house they know as my home.

The stretched silence irritates me.

I look up and there�s Willow right in front of me and she touches my wrist � Angel growls inaudible for the others, but my mark tingles with it � before she speaks: �Xander, when we searched for you, we, we went to your parents� house and your mom told us that you left with a blond man and then your dad stood suddenly behind her and he had heard what your mom said and we called the police, we had to. Your dad, he was- violent and � Xander, I didn�t know he was like that!� She whines. �He totally lost it and we got your mom out, but she didn�t want us to help and we-; when the police came, they didn�t even get out of the car! They just asked if we�d called and what the matter was and they just nodded and said it was quite frequently loud in the house and nothing out of the ordinary and they drove away.� She takes in a couple of breaths to calm herself down or maybe just for more air to continue with the babble: �Your father came outside again when they were gone and he told us... he said if he ever sees you again he�ll kill you.�

�Oh no threats of endless torture before killing me this time?� I quip and roll my eyes.

�Xander!� And Willow actually looks shocked.

�Look, it�s nothing new. He�s like that and I really don�t wanna talk about it � at all.� I say and step back from her. I can see hurt in Willow�s eyes, regret and the understanding that I haven�t been trusting her with everything that goes on in my life. How could I even find the time to tell her when she was always so busy with her own problems?

Giles fidgets and clears his throat before speaking. �You should have confided in me and I could have found a way to... to help you.� He offers, but his voice doesn�t carry the promise of a happy ending. What could he have done for me? Really, even if he tried. It wouldn�t have changed anything if I�d told Willow or Giles. And I really don�t want to deal with their guilt or pity now. Why can�t they just leave me alone?

The only one who acted immediately the moment he found out what was going on was Spike. He cared for me and helped me to get out of there. He offered me the whole world and I didn�t have to give more than myself in exchange. No, that sounds wrong. All he has asked of me is to be myself and make use of my chances. That�s more than anybody offered me, ever.

�It doesn�t matter. It�s over. I�m done with that.� I say flatly.

�You can stay here. We�ll find a way to get you settled and...� Giles says, but is interrupted by Buffy.

�He can come with me. I don�t think Mom will object. We�ve got that spare room and...� She trails off under Riley�s gaze. Huh, got to be kidding. He can�t be jealous of me staying over at the Buffster�s house...

�We�ve got a guest room and my parents aren�t there anyway. We could take turns, a week with each of us and...� Willow babbles until Xander chuckles darkly.

�I�m not some kind of pet whose owner went on holiday.� I say and it brings Giles� focus sharply down to the bite mark on my neck. I glare at him and hold his gaze while I repeat it: �I am not a pet.� Not denying that I belong to someone.

Angel�s finger touches my wrist in warning and I try to unclench my fists, to stay calm. Not the time for declarations of undying love for my undead Master. Pfft.

�Xander comes with me.� Angel says gravely and I nod curtly. That�s the way it�s going to be. I go with Angel. He brings me to Spike. I�ll be with Spike. We�ll take it from there.

�No.� �I don�t think that is wise.� �Why would he want to go with you?� They say at the same time and I just wish for this to be over soon. I�m tired and still weak and kinda hungry. Yeah, hungry in that way. Spike. I need Spike, I�ll need Spike�s blood soon. Fuck. I need to get this under control. If they find out about that, the addiction, they won�t let me leave this house alive.

Through the drawn curtains a few rays of sun still find their way inside. It�s not even 10 am. How am I supposed to get through the day. A sound, something desperate, whining, escapes me and Angel grabs my wrist harshly. �Xander?�

�I don�t feel so good.� I mumble and try to make Angel understand by sheer looking at him.

Giles voice drifts through the haze: �You should lie down. Let�s get you upstairs. I�ll stay with you.�

�No, no.� I grate out, but Angel shushes me.

�I�ll stay with him.� He says and puts his strong arm across my back, his hand under my armpit to support me. The trembling starts in my fingers and crawls quickly into my whole body - seconds later my knees buckle. I can't believe that Angel just scooted me up like a bride to be carried over-the-threshold. I'm too weak to protest, so I just give in and close my eyes. I turn my face against his shoulder, feel the cool skin of his neck against my forehead. I inhale deeply and let myself get lost in the sensation of different smells combined. He smells a lot like Spike does, just earthier, deeper in a way that makes me desperate to understand. I can feel his muscles move under the strain of carrying me around.

The others are talking again, I only hear bits and pieces that I can�t make sense of. Buffy�s not amused. I giggle lightly; to disguise it I turn my face deeper into Angel. His skin is so soft against my lips, cool silk just like Spike�s. I wonder if it runs in the family or is it just a general vampire trait?

We�re ascending stairs. I feel like I�m cocooned safely away from the world. Everything is round and flexible, moving and cool. I�m looked after, cared for. Angel takes care of us, takes care of Spike and me, of us both.

I smile against his neck and dart my tongue out. He tastes as good as Spike, just slightly different and I suckle on his skin, calming myself with the weirdly familiar sensation. I remember my lessons, I�m a good boy. No biting until I�m allowed. Don�t want them to be mad at me.

There is a loud bang � oh, Angel closed the door with his foot. Heeeeee. We�re alone again now and I feel my back hit the bed. I cling to Angel. Don�t let go. Don�t leave me.

�Xander, boy.� Angel murmurs while trying to pry my fingers loose from behind his neck. I wriggle and lift my legs, get them around his hips to draw him down. Don�t leave me. �Xander, come on. Take a nap, boy. Let go of me. You gonna regret that later otherwise.�

�Nuhu. Don�t go. Please.� I hear myself through cotton and try to get even closer to Angel. Heeee, the room spins. Oh, I was spun. Angel sighs behind me, I can feel his breath on my neck. And his body against mine. I�m the baby spoon and Angel � shouldn�t Spike be there? Angel�s good though, feels good. Familiar.

There�s a blanket around us suddenly. And I look up. Huh � what�s Giles doing here? I don�t care, there are Angel�s arms around me, protecting me. I hear their voices like water splashing in the background:

�The last time Xander and you saw each other, neither of you were particular keen on each other. However, you are sure that he�s not affected by a claim or thrall?� The British voice drips with sarcasm, I can feel the heavy drops hit the floor one by one.

�I�m sure, Giles. For the rest... it�ll wear off. It�s just exhaustion.�

�If it�s not just exhaustion, just in case, I know a place for cases like him in England. Unfortunately, it�s run by the watcher�s council, but they�re doing good work...�

�I don�t think the girls� are gonna like to hear that.�

�Oh, I�m sure they�ll see reason should this �exhaustion� not wear off, don�t you think?�

Angel snarls and I whimper. I haven�t done anything wrong. I press back against him and Angel reacts, pulls me in further. The door clicks shut before he speaks. �Ssh, boy, we�ll get you back to Spike soon. Sleep now, sleep. I need you back on your feet.� I nod and search for something more to hold onto. I find Angel�s hand and pull it to me, wrap my mouth around his thumb like a baby. Angel groans.

Sleep comes like a blackout.

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Well, this is getting too long, right? And all that Angel/Xander cuddling - sucks, right? You all are only here to find out what's happening to Spike, right?

Thank you for reading and reviewing.

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The Silent Urge Series