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Complement	By : WEB Category: BtVS AU/AR > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4884 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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XXVIII � Body and Soul
(Part A)

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All your hidden faces ~ Your seven veils unfold ~ Give me forbidden places ~ All your tales untold ~ Heaven and hope eternal ~ Over your heart of gold ~ Sun and sunset ~ Burning in the flame you hold...
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She stood naked in front of the full-length mirror staring at her reflection. The bruises were all gone, even where Glory's clawed-hand had pierced her was now just a faint scar that she hoped would eventually fade away into nothingness. If only her memories, the feelings she had buried so deeply within herself from what had happened there could fade away into nothingness too. She knew that it wouldn't be that easy, knew from her past experience that they just didn't go away. That sooner or later they would find their way to the surface, they might come out in a different way. She might not even know what they were from, but they would find a way out. Just like they had before, like when she had strangled Xander and tortured Wesley. She had no idea why at the time she had done those things but she knew now.

Her eyes traveled up to her shoulder where the fang marks from Johnny were just beginning to fade, like the others. All except for the two where he had remarked her over the first scars that he had ever given her. She put her right foot on the low footstool by the base of the mirror. She moved her leg to the side and out, grabbing the back of her thigh from the inside and pulling the muscle and flesh outwards into the light. They were still there, two sets of fang marks, two sets of human teeth marks. They glared at her, white, stark, angry against her own pale skin. Even the first two sets that were now almost thirteen years old seemed to look like they were new instead of faded, instead of almost invisible like they were before Glory had taken them to Shedu. He had marked her like a vampire or a wolf marked their mate and Faith hated it with every part of her being. She had to fight the urge to carve them out of her flesh.

She dropped her hand from her thigh and placed her foot back down on the floor. She felt the fleeting ghost of his touch, his hands upon her, his weight pressing down on her, his mouth on her skin, his voice whispering in her ear. Her skin crawled and she felt the goose-bumps inch across all of her flesh. She stared at her own eyes in the mirror and saw that haunted look in them again that had greeted her every morning for almost the whole of her life. A look that told anyone who saw it that there were scars that lived far beneath the surface of her skin, scars that were etched into her soul. A look that now, like then, she had learned to hide.

As she looked at herself in the mirror she felt her stomach start to churn, she had to fight not to get sick. How could Buffy ever want her again, how could Buffy still love her after all that had happened? All that Buffy had seen done to her, all that she had done to stop Johnny and Glory, to keep their attention on her and away from Buffy. She looked at herself with the eyes of the sixteen year old she had once been and saw again, what she saw then nothing but a cheap disgusting white-trash whore.

She was dirty, she felt dirty inside and no matter how many showers she took, she could never wash away the dirt. For a little while before Glory, she thought she had finally washed it away, but now it was back and she feared she would never get rid of it again. She was afraid she would go back to being how she was before, the ultimate, Get Some, Get Gone girl. Isn't that what she was? Just a little whore only interested in momentary pleasure, getting off and throwing them out, a thrill a minute, the more the merrier. Isn't that what she had been taught, and then taught again? The only thing she had ever been good at, the only thing she ever had to offer. Isn't that what they had all thought? Isn't that what she had let them all believe? Let herself believe. Wasn't that what she always thought she deserved? Romance, gentle caresses, whispered words, arms holding her close through the night and love they were for other people, not for her, not for daddy's baby girl. Isn't that exactly who Buffy had gotten to see when they were being held in Glory's domain? Isn't that exactly who she saw staring back at her in the mirror now?

She felt the coldness growing inside her every day now. They had all thought the first time she was in Sunnydale that she was nothing more then a sex-crazed slut. They never knew that it wasn't the sex she had wanted, it had never been that. It had been about being in control of the one thing that she never had any control over. If she was in control then they couldn't force her, couldn't hurt her. She threw them out because she was afraid to sleep with them there. Afraid to wake up and find that a sweaty body was holding her down forcing her again. Afraid to have someone there when she woke up screaming most nights from her nightmares. The times had been far and few between that she had ever found any pleasure in the sex itself and those few times it had been because she had pleasured herself when she was with them. She knew though it went deeper then that, she had lost her ability to trust anyone, to let herself go. She hadn't lied when she told Buffy that she was the first person she had ever completely given up her control with. It had been a freeing experience because with Buffy she had finally found what it was that she had been truly searching for in all of those meaningless encounters. When she was in Buffy's arms she felt clean, felt loved, felt whole, felt safe, there was warmth, comfort, passion, tenderness, love and so much more in Buffy's strong arms.

Now, even though they had not made love in the six weeks since they had been back, it was different. When Buffy touched her, even with no sexual intent, she was afraid. Afraid Buffy would want more; afraid she wouldn't be able to let her touch her. Afraid because the few times they had kissed with a little more passion, the few times Buffy's touch had been just a bit more then friendly it wasn't Buffy lips she felt, or Buffy's touch she felt, it was his and only his. And then she felt dirty inside again. Internally she would shrink away, her skin wanting to crawl, and then she felt even dirtier because she wanted Buffy's cleansing touch. She wanted Buffy to erase the memory, the ghostly feel of his hands, lips, breath upon her skin, with her loving touch. She wanted to be with Buffy, wanted so badly what they had before. And didn't that make her daddy's good little whore for wanting that? But she was afraid, afraid to try, afraid not to try, just afraid that it wouldn't work, that she would always feel his hands instead of Buffy's and afraid to tell her. How could she tell her? Tell her that her skin crawled and her mind screamed out in fear, her body grew cold at the thought of ever being intimate with anyone again, even Buffy. Even that wasn't totally true, because there had been times that she wanted to be intimate with Buffy over the last few weeks and she was just afraid. Afraid that she would freeze up or that if she didn't then the next time she might, afraid that she might always feel this way. She was at a loss, she was lost, her world was in a tailspin and she didn't know how to pull out of it. How do you tell your lover something like that, any of it, all of it?

A choked sob escaped her, and she bit down hard on her bottom lip to stop another from joining it. She was terrified of losing Buffy. She knew Buffy loved her; there was nothing in the world that could ever make her doubt that. But would love be enough? What if she never could get past this? What if she could never make love with her again? What if even though Buffy was in love with her, Buffy loved... was in love with Angel more? Faith shook her head. 'Where the fuck did that come from?', she thought to herself. She knew though, it had been banging around in the back of her mind since she had seen the look Buffy and Angel had exchanged the day he found out his soul was permanent. She couldn't do this right now, couldn't wonder if Buffy was still in love with Angel too. She didn't want to wonder if Buffy would turn to Angel if she couldn't get past her own fears, but she did anyway.

She forced her eyes away from the mirror, not once did it ever occur to her that Buffy understood what was going on in her head. Not once, because illogically she was still blaming herself for it all, just like she had before. Somehow, she thought she had brought this all on herself, a part of her again believing in some perverse way that she had deserved all that had happened to her. A punishment for all the bad she had done throughout her life. The guilt though was for what happened to Buffy because of her. Glory had dragged her into the portal and back into the nightmare existences of her youth and she had dragged Buffy right along with her. She had been unable to protect Buffy from either of them, their tortures, their beatings, from Buffy seeing who she truly was. And the guilt of that was overwhelming her, drowning her. She owned that guilt, the feeling that somehow this was all her fault, owned it all over again just like she had when she was a child.

Another fucking choked sob forced its way out of her. She had to stop this; this was supposed to be a happy day. Luc and Atropos were having their formal Joining; it was why she was standing here in the bedroom that she and Buffy had shared for ten days during their respite from Slayer Hell. She looked at herself in the mirror one last time before she started to move towards the tub. Her body was almost completely healed but her soul was falling apart, she was falling apart. Over the course of the last six weeks as she had physically begun to heal, all the emotions she had forced down in order to survive their ordeal at both Glory and Johnny's hands; all that she had forced down from what had happened before at Johnny's hands, her Mother's and all the men they had forced on her started fighting their way back into the light.

All of them, all at once and they were too much to handle. As she sunk down gratefully into the warm magical water, she once again began re-erecting that steel wall in her mind piece by piece, it wasn't so easy anymore though. She wasn't that Faith, she lived through what suppressing, hiding behind that wall did. She didn't want to go back there ever again. She didn't want to be that person again. She didn't want to live this way, she wanted to let it all out, needed to let it all out, but she was afraid, this was hard, she didn't know how to do this, how to reach out, where to even begin.

She dunked her head under the water staying there until she started seeing white spots behind her closed eyelids. She came up for air a second before she would have passed out. She felt brittle, ancient, fragile, vulnerable, tired deep down in her soul, and she knew that with the slightest touch, a flick of a finger, she would shatter into a million tiny little pieces. What she didn't know was if she could ever put those pieces back together. What she had forgotten were the things she had learned from Angel, from Buffy, from all of them; that there was no shame in asking for help, and that she was no longer alone. She might shatter into a million pieces but she had more then enough pairs of hands that would lovingly help her pick them all up and put them back together.

She closed her eyes and let the silent tears seep out from beneath them, she was exhausted mentally. She let the warmth of the water soothe her; she quietly called out for Buffy through their connection not even realizing she was doing it as she drifted off to sleep.
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Buffy was sitting on the bed with her sister in the room that the Fates' had given to Dawn. They had been talking for the last two hours, and Buffy was finally confident that she had convinced her sister that none of what had happened to her and Faith at the hands of the Demon-Goddess and the lowlife was her fault. Now if she could just convince Faith of the same thing and herself as well, maybe they could start rebuilding their lives. Start moving past all of it. She had no illusions, she knew it would be hard, but they just couldn't ignore it, it wouldn't just go away.

Without knowing it, she had the same problem as Faith, she didn't know how to begin, where to start or even what to say. Her own guilt was eating away at her, she knew it was illogical, knew it for all the same reasons she had used to convince her sister to let hers go.

The guilt was there anyway, like acid, burning in her stomach, shaking her down to her soul. She had been unable to stop any of it, she was a fucking Chosen One for Christ's sake, she should have been able to protect Faith, and she hadn't. Couldn't stop what had happened, couldn't stop that monster from forcing himself on her soul-mate again. Couldn't stop a repeat of the nightmare Faith had lived in for nine years. Couldn't stop anything. She was helpless to stop any of it while she had been forced to watch it all. Watch or Johnny would have made good on his promise to make it a hundred times worse for Faith. Buffy hated herself for not being able to do anything to stop it with a passion she never knew existed.

She was terrified of losing Faith. Afraid that a part of Faith hated her, blamed her, even though she knew Faith blamed herself, for everything that had happened to her, to them, at Shedu. It had been her decision to be up on the tower that night, her decision to jump into the portal instead of sacrificing her sister. Her decision and because of that Faith was up there with her.

It was her fear of being helpless, unable to protect the innocent, as was her destiny, her fear of failing Faith again, that Glory had tapped into, making Glory and Johnny go after Faith with a vengeance.

Why hadn't she figured out t gam game? Why? Faith had, and Faith had forced down what her real fear was and had offered herself to them on a silver platter to protect her, Buffy, from Johnny's sexual abuse. It was killing her inside to know that Faith had done it to protect her, had sacrificed herself, had goaded, had enticed both Johnny and Glory to come after her, all in order to protect her, while she had done nothing. How could Faith not start to hate her? She hated herself more every day. More than anything in the world, she wanted to fall down on her knees and beg Faith for her forgiveness. She was afraid though, afraid of rejection, afraid of forgiveness, afraid of everything and nothing, afraid of, she didn't even know what anymore.

In an abstract way, she knew everything that was going on with Faith when it came to Johnny and his abuse. She had felt it all in the echoes they shared, and had shared his touch upon Faith in those new ghost-like echoed touches upon her own skin. She knew it wasn't the same, wasn't even close to what it had felt like to Faith, but like Faith she couldn't erase the memory of him from her skin either. And she wanted to cry every time she thought about her mate protecting her with her own body from ever knowing what it really felt like.

She knew though they couldn't keep living like this, she knew what Faith was going through. Faith thought she was blocking her from what was going on and she was, but not all of it. Some of it she got in vague images from their connection but most of the time it came in the form of an echo of the nightmares Faith was having before she woke up. They needed to talk. They were closer than ever. But they were also farther apart than when they were working on opposite sides in the fight against evil.

She had been hoping that Faith would talk to her, but she hadn't yet. They both had been trying so hard to pretend that things were normal, and both were beginning to crack under the pressure. Faith though had given absolutely no indication that she wanted to talk or that she would even try to talk about what happened any time soon. She didn't want to push Faith, but she was afraid the longer they waited to get it all out in the open the harder it would become to get any of it out at all. The harder it would be to rebuild their life together and Buffy wanted that more then anything she had ever wanted before, ever. She had seen lived through in a small way what had happened, what it had done to Faith when she suppressed all that had happened to her at Johnny and her Mother's hands and there was no fucking way she would let that happen to Faith again.

She missed the Faith she had fallen in love with. Missed her smiles, her laughter, her little tirades, her touches, her kisses, the closeness they had shared. Missed just the warmth and the comfort of her, she just plain ol' missed Faith. Despite the guilt she felt, Buffy wanted it all back, she didn't care about the sex, that could wait, the touches, the kisses she missed were the just because and the I'm-happy-to-see-you kisses and touches. The ones that say I-love-you-no-matter-what, I'll-love-you-when-we're-old-and-gray, the touches and kisses that made you know deep down in your soul that this person would love you forever, no matter what. Love you when you're happy, sad, tired, old, just love you because you were you, and just because. She wanted all that back, she wanted it all for both of them, wanted it with every fiber of her being.

As she sat on her sister's bed, her determination returned. She didn't care what it took, they would get it all back. It didn't matter how long it took or how hard it might be she wanted it for them both. And nothing would stop her from getting that all back for them, not fear, not guilt, including and most of all certainly not themselves. She wasn't going to let Johnny and Glory have the final victory over them. She and Faith belonged together, she loved Faith unconditionally, eternally, and she knew Faith loved her in the same way.

Buffy made a promise to herself in that second, tomorrow they would talk. If it wasn't for Luc and Atropos Joining ceremony they would be having that talk today. She had no illusions that it would be hard, she hadn't a clue where to start, how to begin, it didn't matter, they would muddle their way through it together, but they would get past it together and be stronger for it in the end. She wanted it all for them both and nothing was going to stand in her way.

She got up from the bed and kissed her sister on the forehead, as she made her way towards the door she heard Faith calling to her in an echo. Then she was bombarded with almost everything Faith had seen and felt while standing in front of the mirror. Her heart broke with the pain her mate was in and Buffy's determination grew a hundred-fold, together they would get rid of that pain. Together they would find their way back into the light. They were the Chosen Two, they were the Chosen of each other and together they could do, be anything they wanted, nothing and no one could stop them, not even themselves.
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Buffy quietly entered their bedroom and gently closed the door. She moved over to the tub and sat down on the wide ledge, her eyes devouring her sleeping mate. Tenderly she moved a few stray locks of hair off her love's face, her hand gliding down to lightly trace the tear tracks. She felt a few tears of her own escaping. Her heart broke a little for the tears, for the anguish, for the fear that lived inside of her soul-mate. Buffy knew as she gazed at her mate, that 'til the day she died and beyond she would never understand how anyone could hurt the beautiful, loving, gentle woman that is her Faith.

She continued to gently stroke her lover's face, her fingers delicately tracing over its contours. Remembering, memorizing again, the finely arched brow, the slightly slanted, chocolate eyes, the fine line of the bridge of her nose, the full pouty lips, high, narrow cheekbones. She continued tracing along the silky planes of Faith's face, lost in thought. Lost in the memories of that beautiful face laughing, smiling, the cocky lopsided grin, eyes that bespoke of so much love that just a look from Faith sent her heart pounding, caused her breath to catch.

Faith slowly opened her eyes, basking in the warmth of Buffy's fingers softly stroking her face. She caught and held Buffy's eyes with her own smoky, sleepy, need-filled, loving eyes. She smiled gently at Buffy, and lifted her hand out of the water, holding it out to Buffy in a silent plea to join her.

Buffy's heart started pounding so hard it threatened to beat its way out of her chest. She held her breath as she stripped herself of her clothes with inhuman speed. This was the first time since Faith had started getting better that they would share a bath. Faith had avoided them at all cost, making up excuses and showering when she knew Buffy wasn't around. Buffy knew Faith had steered clear of them bathing together for a few reasons, chief among them was that they had spent almost all of their Johnny and Glory free time in the bath, spinning tales for each other, seeking comfort. Bathing together was a glaring reminder of their time spent there. But Buffy had missed bathing with Faith, lounging wrapped in the warmth of the water and her mate's arms. Whispering, giggling or just luxuriating in comfortable silence, it had been something they had enjoyed even before their visit to Shedu. She knew this was Faith's first baby step in giving back her trust.

Faith watched Buffy with an arched eyebrow and a goofy grin on her face as she took her clothes off with a speed that would put The Flash to shame. For just a brief second she got worried and her brow furrowed, did Buffy think this was an invitation for more then a bath? A little fear streaked through her at the thought. She pushed it aside quickly; she had nothing to fear from Buffy.

She missed taking baths with Buffy. She just missed Buffy. They seemed to have lost the easy way they were with each other, the closeness they had even when they were in Glory and Johnny's tender care. On the surface, it appeared as if nothing had changed, but their bantering had a falseness that was never there before, not even when they were enemies, they were forcing what had once been so easy, so natural, for them. The guilt they were both feeling was weighing them down, and just like Faith thought Buffy didn't know what she was feeling, Buffy thought Faith didn't know what she was feeling, both Slayers were wrong. Faith had realized as she felt Buffy tenderly stroking her face that she missed the intimacy that they shared and since she was at a loss as to how to start rebuilding their lives together, she figured this was a good a place as any to start.

Buffy climbed into the tub with Faith. She returned her goofy grin and lifted her own eyebrow at Faith's look of surprise when she sat down in the middle of the tub instead of curling up into her like they always did when they bathed together. Buffy had felt Faith's flash of fear, her concern that she was inviting her for more than just a bath. She didn't want to crowd her, she wanted any type of intimacy to be at a pace that Faith was comfortable with.

The surprised look was replaced by a look of confusion and disappointment. Her bottom lip was jutted out in a pout, her brows were furrowed, and Buffy thought Faith looked absolutely adorable. She playfully splashed her and Faith splashed her back. So Buffy splashed Faith back again and it quickly turned into an out and out Slayer water fight. They were rolling with laughter and had silly grins on their faces and by the time they stopped there was more water on the floor, ceiling and walls then there was in the tub. Buffy flipped the water back on so the tub would refill.

"You're gonna clean this up since you started it, aren't you B?" Faith gave Buffy her best puppy dog eyes and Buffy couldn't resist, she splashed her one last time.

"That's it!"

Before Buffy knew what was happening Faith had scooted down the tub, picked her up, firmly sitting her on her lap, captured both of her wrists with one of her hands, and started tickling her.

Buffy was squirming on Faith's lap trying to get away from her fingers that were finding every single one of her ticklish spots. She was giggling and Faith was giggling right along with her. They were smiling like idiots and Buffy was drinking in Faith's smile, the twinkle in her eyes, the sound of her laughter. She would let her tickle her forever if it meant that she never had to see tears, or sorrow ever again cross that beautiful face.

"Stop..." Buffy gasped. "Yo... hey... no..." Buffy giggled a little more, trying to break free, but not trying her hardest. "C..an..'t br..eat..he..."

"Not gonna work..." Faith just started tickling Buffy harder, smiling down at her, loving the sparkle in Buffy's eyes and the sound of her giggles. "I'll stop when you say Uncle!"

"Ne..ver..." Buffy struggled a little harder, still not giving it her all yet. She was laughing so hard her sides hurt. "Ok...ay... Ok...ay..." she waited for Faith to slow her tickling; Faith fell for this trick every time. Buffy took a few deep breaths, squirmed a little in Faith's grasp. "Baby..." She smiled at her, "...thismeanswar!"

In a move that would have made the WWF proud, Buffy broke her wrists free and pulled what could only be called the equivalent of a bathtub takedown. She started tickling Faith without mercy. Faith started tickling Buffy back trying to buck her off, or roll her over at the same time. Buffy fought adamantly to remain on top, a second or two after the Slayer tickle match started she felt a little tiny echo of fear come from Faith when she held down one of her hands and Faith couldn't get it loose. Not wanting to ruin the mood, the easiness between them, Buffy slightly loosened her grip on Faith's hand and let her break free. The little bit of fear was still coming to her, so the next time Faith tried to roll her over so she could get on top, Buffy struggled but let Faith win in the end.

The tickle match began again in earnest. At some point Faith got frustrated at not being able to get a good tickle 'grip' on the slippery blonde-haired Slayer under her. She captured one of Buffy's arms and sat up pulling Buffy with her. She pulled Buffy's arm up and over her shoulder and Buffy along with it. She rose up to her knees and carefully stood up. Buffy had enough presence of mind not to struggle, not wanting Faith to slip as she stepped out of the tub onto the wet floor. She waited until Faith was on the carpet to start struggling to get free, which only earned her a few pokes in the side. She was giggling; gasping for air as Faith unceremoniously tossed her onto the bed and pounced on top of her again. The tickle fight started once again, both Slayers vying for the title of Tickle Champion. Neither wanting to stop it felt so good to be laughing together, to be silly, to forget for a little while all the deep-hidden feelings both had dwelled so long on earlier this morning.

They tickled each other until both their sides where aching, both were panting for air, and their throats hurt from laughing so much. Faith had managed to capture both of Buffy's hands again one on each side, they had reached a Mexican standoff.

"Truce?" Faith giggled down at Buffy once she managed to catch her breath.

"Truce," Buffy gave Faith another silly grin.

Faith peered around her arms to make sure Buffy's fingers weren't crossed. The last time they had a tickle match that had ended up in a standoff Buffy had agreed to a truce but had crossed her fingers. The second Faith had let her go she tickled her without any mercy for the next ten minutes straight. She never made that mistake again, again she made sure before she released a certain blonde-haired Slayer that her fingers were in fact not crossed, she even took a quick peek down to make sure her toes weren't either.

Satisfied that Buffy wasn't going to cheat again, Faith let her wrists go. She didn't move off Buffy, instead she stayed with her palms planted on either side of Buffy, the lower half of her body laying lightly against Buffy's.

Buffy moved her hands and rested them gently against Faith's forearms, as they got lost in each other's eyes. She watched as Faith's eyesrcherched hers, she didn't know what she was looking for and Buffy hid nothing from Faith's gaze. Not her love, not her fear, not her needs, not her guilt and she saw all the same emotions reflected in Faith's eyes. A little of the wall that both Slayers had built up around themselves to bury the emotions of what had happened to them in Shedu crumbled.

Buffy reached up and tucked a few stray locks of Faith's hair behind her ear; she smiled softly when Faith leaned into her touch. She resisted the urge to pull Faith down onto her; she wanted desperately to just hold her close, to feel the warmthher,her, just feel her. Instead, she let her hand move to rest lightly on Faith's shoulder unmoving and left her other just lightly touching Faith's forearm.

She stared down at Buffy searching for something in her eyes and when she found what she sought, what she saw in them surprised her. There was so much love, even more than before they had been abducted. There was understanding, compassion, need for her, want, desire and more. There was also fear and guilt. The fear though in some ways blew her away; it just never occurred to her that Buffy was just as afraid of losing her as she was of losing Buffy. Seeing the guilt in Buffy's eyes hurt her more then anything else, how could she blame herself? None of it had been her fault; it all had been completely out of her control. It was like trying to blame yourself for a tidal wave and as she had the thought she decided to just say it.

"B... None of it was your fault..." Buffy shook her head in denial of Faith's words and Faith just shook hers right back. "Blaming yourself for what happened is like trying to blame yourself for not being able to stop a tidal wave."

Buffy gave Faith an incredulous look, "A tidal wave?" She couldn't keep the amusement out of her voice and for just a second the mood lightened between them again. Faith gave her a silly, shy grin, and blushed.

"Okay well, my anelogy..."

"Analogy..." Buffy corrected her gently. Normally Faith would take affront at someone correcting her, but there was absolutely nothing condescending about Buffy's tone or demeanor.

"Yeah, maybe my analogy isn't the best but it's true. You did everything you could do to stop what was happening. B, I know you would have given up your life to protect me..."

"You would have too Faith, and you gave up so much more." Faith opened her mouth to speak, but stopped when Buffy rushed out, "No! Please let me say this. I need to say this." She waited until Faith nodded her head before continuing. "You protected me more times than I could ever count. You used your own body; you served yourself up to both of them. You... you... let them think it was him you feared and him touching you, her touching you... You made them believe that to protect me... What did I do? I took a few hits... got a few bruises... You fucking sacrificed yourself for me and it's killing me inside to know that I was helpless, forced to watch it all and couldn't stop any of it, couldn't even come close to protecting you like you protected me. I'm ashamed and I hate myself for not being able to protect you." Though she tried to hold them back, the tears came anyway. Fuck! She was supposed to be helping Faith not become a sobbing mess herself.

Buffy's words made Faith angry, not angry at Buffy but at herself. Angry that Buffy was feeling this way about herself because of what was her fault, her guilt, not Buffy's. She sat up abruptly and scooted away from Buffy on the bed, she had an overwhelming urge to hurt herself, she hadn't felt like that in a very long time.

"It's not your fault," she snarled as she got up off the bed. "It's not your fault, it's not Dawn's fault. It's mine, all mine! You should have never been there in the first place. You should have never had to protect anyone. You should have never been beaten by that scumbag piece of shit or that skanky-bitch. None of this would have happened if I wasn't there. If I had just stayed away from you! Don't you get it, it's me, you want to blame someone blame me. My fault you know what it feels like to be whipped. My fault you know what its like to get beaten everyday, to live in pain, to feel afraid. My fault you had to see all that. My fault you wake up screaming at night. My fault that motherfucker drowned you everyday. I might as well have given you all those bruises myself. It's My fault! It's always been My fault. She told me I just never believed her, didn't want to believe her. You know what? She was right. I'm no good, I hurt everyone I've ever loved. I hurt everything I ever touched, everything just turns to shit. This should have been my punishment, not yours, for all the wrong I've done for as long as I can remember. Mine, not yours, I just managed to drag you down with me into the shit. Just managed to hurt you all over again." Faith paced away from the bed back over towards the tub.

Buffy watched her; she opened her mouth to protest and thought better of it. Faith needed to get all of it out, if she tried to stop her from venting she might never get rid of the guilt. And it just wasn't from what happened in Shedu, she was venting all of it, including the guilt she had carried with her since she was a child. She slid down until she was sitting on the edge of the bed and waited for Faith to turn back towards her.

Faith leaned her forehead against the cold marble; she angrily swiped at the tears on her face. "I couldn't protect her and I couldn't protect you. What good am I? How can you love me? She couldn't, how can you? I'm nothing but trash. No good, worthless. Don't you get it, you would be better off without me." Buffy had to strain to hear her, Faith's voice was so low and she was choking on her own tears. She pushed herself away from the wall and turned to face Buffy. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... god I'm so sorry... I promised I would never let anything hurt you and I did... I'm sorry..." She whirled away from Buffy and started throwing punches at the marble wall.

Buffy was off the bed and pulling Faith into her arms in less then a second flat. She pulled her away from the wall so she couldn't hurt herself anymore. Faith struggled in her arms needing to get loose, needing to inflict pain on herself, needing to hurt herself for all the pain that she thought she had caused others. She was whispering hoarsely over and over to Buffy how sorry she was. Buffy just hung onto her tight not letting her go, her heart going out to not just her Faith but to the child and even the dark side of Faith who was struggling and crying in her arms. Then the fight, the anger, just went out of her, Faith's knees buckled and Buffy just held on tightly to her and let them both sink down to the floor. She pulled Faith into her lap, rocking her like an infant, stoking her hair as Faith sobbed into her neck and clung to her like a drowning woman.

"I'm sorry too Faith... I'm sorry that they did this to. So. Sorry that you grew up believing that you should have been protecting your Mother when she should have been protecting. So. Sorry that there was no one there to help you, protect you from those two monsters. It's not your fault. None of it! Not then and especially not now! You can't blame yourself for what they did. They were supposed to take care of you, protect you, not the other way around." Buffy leaned back a little, she gently cupped Faith's chin and lifted her head up. She captured Faith's eyes with her own and held them.

"Faith. None of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong. They did, your Mother, Johnny and Glory. Not you, never you. I don't believe any of it is your fault and nothing you or anyone else could ever say would ever get me to believe that. I'm just sorry I couldn't protect you better, couldn't stop what was happening. But it's time I think that we both stop blaming ourselves for what neither one of us is at fault for. It's like you said, it's like trying to blame ourselves for not being able to stop a tidal wave."

"But..."

"No! There is no but here, Faith... You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't tell me that I couldn't have stopped any of this and then expect to tell me you could have. This is not your fault, it's not Dawns and it's not mine. It is theirs, all theirs. So let's give credit where credit is due. Please Faith... Please believe me... None of this was your fault, not now and not before... Please..."

Faith stared into Buffy's eyes and she believed her. Believed that Buffy no longer thought it was her own fault, and believed that not for one second that it was ever Faith's fault. Not what happened with Glory and Johnnor wor what happened to her when she was but a child. She let go of the guilt that had been a part of her since she was six years old and felt like a ten-ton weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She knew she hadn't gotten rid of all her ghosts, knew there was still a ways to go before she, they, truly put it behind them, but it was a start.

"Thank you..." She whispered softly and then rested her forehead against Buffy's.

Buffy gave a sigh of relief when she saw that Faith believed her and it felt like a ten-ton weight had been lifted from her own shoulders as she too let go of the guilt. "You're welcome and thank you..."

Faith smiled at Buffy and Buffy smiled back. She lifted her forehead from Faith's and gave Faith her and-another-thing look. Faith just quirked an eyebrow at her, because she knew that look, it was the one Buffy always gave her right before she was going to tell her something that was for her own good.

"And Faith..."

"Yeah B..."

"Let me tell you one or two other things. Things, I'm not sorry for. I'm not sorry you came back into my life. I'm not sorry that I love you. And I don't give a flying fuck what you think but I would not be better off without you in my life!"

"Really?" Faith asked half-serious, half-joking.

"Yes really." Then Buffy's face got became serious along with her tone. "My life would be empty without you. I don't want a life ever without you in it. Remember that. No matter what happens, no matter how many fights we may have, I want you in my life. You are my heart and my soul. You are my... soul-mate. Nothing will ever change that, not now, not ever." She flashed Faith an impish grin. "You got that?" Her grin grew a little wider and her eyes took on a decidedly playful look, "Like I told you before you're stuck with me whether you like it or not for life and even after."

"Oh great!"

"Hey, nobody said you had to like it." Buffy poked Faith lightly on the arm, pouting at her, but her eyes were dancing with mischief.

"Oh don't worry B. I don't like it." Buffy's bottom lip jutted out even further, and for a second all Faith could think about was capturing it with her teeth. Instead, she leaned in close to Buffy and whispered in her ear. "I don't like it B... I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way, not for anything in the world." Then she flipped Buffy on her back and started tickling her again.

"No... fa..ir..." Buffy started giggling, wondering how the hell she ended up at a disadvantage and started poking Faith in the side. "I...ts... a... go...od... I... lov...e ... u... so... gon... pay..."

"I love you too..." Faith stopped talkio smo smile brilliantly down at Buffy, but it didn't stop her from continuing to tickle her ruthlessly. For some reason right at this moment, with her nose red from crying, her eyes wide open with laughter and her hair flying around her head Buffy reminded Faith of the cutest thing she had ever seen on the silver screen, Gizmo from the movie Grem. She remembered how badly she had wanted one, and now she had her own real life one. "...Gizmo..."

"W...ha..t?" Buffy started tickling Faith right back, hell she wasn't going to just take this laying down.

"Gr...grr..." Faith was giggling too hard to get it out, "Gr...gre...m...li..ns..."

"O..h... so... gon...na... pay... now!" The tickle match was back on in earnest.

If it wasn't for the knock on the door ten minutes later the Chosen Two might have tickled each other into unconsciousness. Faith yelled something at the door between fits of giggles that sounded more like Come in! instead of Hold on! Both Slayers screamed in unison, "NO!" as the door started to open. They were too late, as both Wi's w's walked in to find two very naked, squirming, hysterically laughing Slayers on the floor by the bed, where they had ended up in their fight to be the Tickle Champion. Both Willow and Tara turned the same shade red as Willow's hair, their eyes wide with horror and embarrassment and their mouths hanging open. They practically knocked each other over in their rush to get back out the door. One or both of them mumbled something about they would be in their room and Faith could come to their room to get what they were dropping off.

Both Slayers just started laughing even harder and Faith just gave up the fight, collapsed on top of Buffy exhausted and still laughing. When they finished laughing and caught their breath, Faith lifted her upper body off Buffy, supporting herself on her elbows. Once again, their eyes locked and Buffy reached up and tucked a few stray strands of Faith's hair behind her ear, smiling as Faith once again leaned into her touch. She placed her hand on Faith's shoulder, and the other on Faith's upper arm. Without even knowing it, both Slayers were purring softly, enjoying the feel of their mate's warmth against their skin.

"D�j� vu..."

Faith's voice was that low husky timber that always made Buffy shudder and this time was no different. She smiled trustingly up at her mate, giving Faith utter and complete control over her, something she knew Faith needed to have right now. It mattered not to her what happened next, whether Faith got up or just held her in her arms. This was the second baby step Faith had taken in giving back her trust and initiating any intimacy between them beyond a quick hug or kiss on the cheek over the last few weeks. And Buffy knew they still a l a lot to talk about, still needed to get it all out, but she wasn't about to break this moment or do anything to frighten Faith off. So, she pushed down her own instinct to just pull Faith to her and waited for Faith, trusting in her.

Faith stared down into Buffy's hazel eyes, belatedly she realized they were both purring and it stirred up a multitude of feelings inside of her. She didn't miss the shudder that went through Buffy at the sound of her voice and it just made her purr a little stronger. The smile Buffy gave her told her so much; Buffy had just handed over her control and had put herself trustingly into Faith's hands. That smile freed something inside of Faith, she couldn't pinpoint what it was, but it lifted the little bit of fear that had been coiling up in her stomach from being so intimately pressed up against Buffy. Right now, more then anything else in the world Faith wanted to kiss Buffy and instead of dwelling on it, instead of letting her fear grab hold of her; she just let herself go with it.

She kept their eyes locked as she slowly lowered her head towards Buffy. She saw Buffy catch her breath as she waited for her kiss. Buffy made no move to meet her halfway, and her hands still lay unmoving against her shoulder and arm. Faith felt nervous as if this were the first time she was ever goin kis kiss anyone and in some ways it was for her. There was absolutely nothing that this woman beneath her didn't know about her, not her hopes, not her fears, not her past. So in a way it was, this would be her first kiss without any pretense, any shields, it was just her, who she truly was, all the good and all the bad.

She kissed Buffy almost tentatively at first, her lips merely a whisper against Buffy's.

It wasn't a passionate kiss, it wasn't hard, forceful or controlling, it wasn't hot or open, it was not a kiss for dominance.

It was a kiss of incredible softness, tenderness, devotion. It was a kiss of reaffirmation, of rediscovery. It was a delicate touch of mouths, a murmur of shared breath, an exquisite promise of love. It was a kiss between souls.

as aas a kiss unlike any other the Slayers had ever had, ever shared, and it left them both trembling with joy, with hope, with too many separate emotions for them to ever hope to put into words when it was over.

It left them both crying softly, not in sorrow and not in pain, but in ecstasy of a completely different kind.

Faith lowered herself down onto Buffy, rolling them both to their sides. They clung to each other, as they whispered how they missed the other, whispered of their commitment and love. They lay on the floor basking in the comfort, the love, the warmth of each other, and for the first time since they had returned to their own realm, both Slayers felt like they were truly home.
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They spent the late morning and early afternoon cuddling on the bed, sometimes whispering softly to each other, but mostly they lay in comfortable silence, enjoying the re-found intimacy between them that they had seemingly lost over the last six weeks. They had been so busy trying to protect each other emotionally from the aftermath of their abduction that they had started losing what they had found together.

Both Slayers' thoughts had been a rambling mass of disjointed images as they lay together. Their thoughts ranged from the first time they had met each other in the back alley of the Bronze, to the sound of the other's laughter, to Buffy thinking about that little grunting sound Faith made when she staked a vamp. To Faith thinking about how it felt to run her hands through Buffy's silky-smooth golden hair. To their first kiss, first touch, the first time they had made love. To them both listening contently to the resonating sound of the other purring deep in their chest as they lay curled up into each other. To how marvelous it felt to have their legs entwined. To the little streaks of pleasure caused when one or the other softly ran a caressing foot over the other's calf. To the gently stroking thumb on a temple, a neck, a collarbone, just how wonderful, right, it felt to be together, quiet, peaceful and warm.

Neither wanted to move when it came time to get ready for the Joining ceremony, they hadn't lay like this together since the night of the slumber party.
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Faith was practically squirming in the chair, trying her best to keep still and her mind firmly away from how exotic, how sensual it felt to have Buffy putting her make-up on for her. It wasn't the make-up itself. It was just her, just Buffy. It was the light touch of Buffy's hand, along her check, her chin, as Buffy moved her face gently to see better. The softness of Buffy's other hand as the side of it brushed along her forehead and temple as she applied the eye-shadow. Buffy's breath, sweet and gentle caressing her face. The silk of the sleeve of Buffy's robe as it skimmed feather-like across her skin. The way that Buffy smelled, which was just uniquely her as it wrapped itself around Faith like a summer breeze. It was the touch of Buffy's fingertip as she slid it around the outside of Faith's mouth holding her hand steady as she applied the lip-liner. Then that same fingertip as it ran over houthouth applying the clear gloss over her lips, that sent her heart to pounding, her mind to spiral out of control, and cause her breath to come in short, shallow pants.

If Buffy noticed she didn't say anything, though her voice was sultry when she told Faith, "All done." Faith would have laughed had she known that Buffy was reciting the alphabet in her head, followed by the Multiplication Tables to keep her own thoughts from straying in the same direction as Faith's. It didn't work too well though when she started equating a letter with a body part or what she wanted to do with, to Faith. Nor when she switched to the Multiplication Tables and started thinking about how many times she wanted to do something particular to a specific body part of Faith's, from the ABC's earlier. She still wasn't sure how she even managed to put on Faith's eye-shadow because her eyes had never left that pouty mouth below tha that was just calling out to her to capture and kiss it with her own.

She wasn't going to betray the trust that Faith was giving her, as she sat with her head tilted back, eyes closed, by slamming her mouth down and devouring that delectable mouth like she wanted, ached to. Before they had been taken by Glory she wouldn't have hesitated, but now she knew she had to wait for Faith to move them back into that part of their relationship. Even more so now after sharing Faith's echoes this morning. She could wait, she would wait forever if that was what it took. For now, the intimacy they had shared just lazing around today was enough, and Buffy knew deep down in her soul, her heart, that if it never went beyond that ever again for the rest of their life together that it would still be enough.

Faith was out of the chair before Buffy even finished telling her she was done. She needed to move away a little, needed to calm her racing pulse, her breathing. God! She felt like she was in heat all of a sudden. They had spent the last few hours cuddling naked together and she hadn't felt like this, okay, well, maybe a little, but not even close to this.

'Christ! Get a grip girl. Bad Faith! Get a grip! Get a grip, get a grip, get a grip. Faith, girl, get a grip!'

Neither Slayer was listening to the almost silent echo of each other's desire that was humming low through them on a subconscious level. The primal Slayer that was a part of them was basking in it, rolling itself in it. Had been all day, ever since the water fight in the tub, to It that had been foreplay. It recognized Its mate in the other Slayer and It wanted Its mate.

Faith got dressed so fast that she made Buffy's head spin. "You have to tell me your secret, Faith." Buffy groaned internally at the sound of her own voice which had come out low, deep, throaty and right on the edge of being an out an out growl.

'Yup! Subtle is your middle name Summers. Just call me Buffy Subtle Summers from now on!'

"Huh?"

"The one, how you, who never wear them, can put on a pair of stocking and not run or rip them to shreds." Buffy looked dismally at the four pairs of stockings she already had managed to ruin. Slayer strength and stockings, for her at least, just didn't work.

Faith looked at the shredded stockings on the floor by Buffy's cute little bare-feet, she had to suppress her smile of amusement. Well at least now, she knew the reason for the gazillion pairs of stockings Bufad pad packed. She walked over and grabbed another pair of stockings out of the overnight bapenepened the package and pulled them out. She caught and held Buffy's eyes, her own dancing with amusement and devilment. She started gathering up a leg of the stockings between her fingers, making a show of sliding her fingers slowly along the length of them, almost as if she were caressing them with her fingertips. She let her smile of amusement show as she saw Buffy's eyes lower to watch what she was doing. She waited until Buffy looked at her again and then gave her a wicked smile; her voice was deep and raspy when she finally spoke.

"Oh that secret... Well, you see, you have to think of the stockings as someone's skin." She paused for a second in her gathering and ran her thumbs in little circles over the satiny texture of the stockings. "A lovers, silky and smooth... Imagine that you are sliding your fingertips up you lover's leg, gently, softly, delicately as you gather the stocking into the palms of your hands." She watched Buffy's eyes lowered again and the shudder her voice elicited, as her fingers imitated on the leg of the stockings her words. "Then... as you slip your foot into the stocking and start to pull it up your ..".." She began to slid the stocking leg up one of her arms as if it were her leg, her other hand mimicking her words again. "...Imagine that it's your lover's hot skin, sliding whispery soft, slowly against your own, as your fingertips follow along its path, stroking, smoothing, trailing lightly, softly after it..."

Buffy closed her eyes for a second and shuddered again, Faith voice eliciting the same response it always did, "Oh... ah... I... ah... can... I can do that..." Her mind's eye took off on its own fantasy flight, as she visualized doing just that to Faith, and Faith doing that to her, remembering the feel of those fingers, those lips, Faith's body sliding along her own.

'Bad Buffy! Bad! Bad! Bad Buffy! Oh wanna be bad Buffy!'

"...I know you can, B... I remember..." Faith growled low capturing Buffy's eyes with her own. She had no idherehere all that came from, hell she had never thought of stockings that way! She felt a shudder of her own travel down her spine from the look Buffy was giving her. Buffy's eyes grew darker as they held her gaze, the gold flecks shining brightly within them and Faith just went with the moment, not questioning, just feeling.

The heat their gaze created between them was almost tangible. She moved towards Buffy, as the stockings fell forgotten from her hand. Buffy just sat on the bed watching and waiting for her, once again relinquishing all control to her, trusting in her, willing to go wherever she led them. With each step towards Buffy and the bed, she started to feel it, slowly creeping its way out of her subconscious and then it was there. The cold memory of his touch crawled eerily over her skin, her steps faltered and she felt fear coil deep he phe pit of her stomach. Something unclean stirred under hkin kin and she felt dirty again. She stopped moving and held her breath, her whole body rigid, tense and she had to fight down the urge to shower away the dirt she felt seeping through her muscles, her pores. The sound of her Mother's voice screaming at her from the past bouncing around the edges of her brain, reminding her she was nothing but a Cheap white-trash whore.

She felt paralyzed, as she fought to force away the feeling of his remembered touch, force away the voice in her head. And then she was being enveloped in warm arms. Warm, strong arms that were holding her securely, a voice whispering soothing, loving nonsense in her ear, helping force away the voice reverberating through her head. She wrapped her arms around Buffy tightly, clinging to her and felt as Buffy's embrace forced away the cold touch of his hands with the loving, cleansing touch of her own warm hands and arms.

Then she was pulling away from Buffy, she felt dirty, embarrassed and ashamed because of what Johnny and all the others had done to her, and because of how much, how desperately she wanted to make love with Buffy not just two seconds ago, and even now still.

How the hcoulcould she be feeling both at the same time?

But Buffy wasn't going to let her just pull away, she placed her hand lightly, softly on Faith's arm, careful not to grab her, or try and force Faith not to move away. She had felt everything that Faith had felt in one of their echoes, knew it the second things had changed. She hadn't been really sure what to do for her mate so she had just followed her instincts and prayed silently to the Goddesses that they were right. For a brief moment, she had felt as Faith's demons left her and then she started to pull away, as other demons started pressing down on her. She almost sighed in relief when almost instantly Faith stopped pulling away, leaning unconsciously into her touch.

"Faith..." Buffy waited for Faith to look up at her, finally she did. It killed her to see all those emotions running riot in Faith's eyehe uhe understood in a basic way why Faith was feeling them, but knew she could never truly know she had never experienced what Faith had. But she'd be damned if she'd let Faith continue to feel this way, and Buffy didn't want Faith to think for one second that she thought she should.

"You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed by, you did nothing wrong. You are none of those things that she said you were and none of the things he said. You never were, you never will be. And you have nothing to feel dirty, embarrassed, or ashamed of, not any of it and certainly not how you feel, not with me you don't. I know this isn't the right time or place to talk about this. I know you're struggling to find the right words, how to say what it is you need to say. What it is that you need from me. I don't want you to be afraid to tell me anything, even if it's that you need to talk to someone else about this and not me. You don't have to say the right words just let them out when you're ready, let them come out anyway they want to. I'll be right here listening to you, I'm not going anywhere. You, we, can get through ttogetogether. Whatever it takes, whatever you need I'm right here for you. All you have to do is tell me. I'm not going to love you any less, if anything I love you even more. Nothing you can say, feel or do is going to ever change that and certainly not what someone else did to you."

Faith searched Buffy's eyes and what she found once again was unconditional love, compassion and understanding. It was that same look in Buffy's eyes that had made her determined not to let Johnny destroy her that first night in Shedu, and she sure as fucking hell wasn't going to let him destroy her or what she had with Buffy from the grave.

"I don't want to talk to anyone else, B. I want... I need to talk to you, about all of it and not just what happened when Glory had us. Is that... is..."

"You can tell me anything, Faith. Anything at all..."

"You think we could go somewhere tomorrow? Maybe to the cottage by the lake the Fates said we could use if we wanted. I don't want to wait. I'm afraid to wait... I'm not ready to talk, don't know if I ever will be really. I'm just afraid that if I don't start that I'll just slip back into how I was before. It's too easy and I already feel myself doing it. Feel myself pulling away from you and I know you've felt it too."

"Whatever you want, we can go wherever you want for as long as you need. Don't worry about anything I'll take care of it all. Okay?" Faith nodded and stepped back into Buffy's waiting arms. "We'll get through this together."

Faith squeezed Buffy to her tightly once more and then released her. "You better finish gettingdy ody or we're going to be late. Thinkin' pissing off one of the Fates and The Devil on their wedding day is not a really good idea, B."

Faith sat on the bed and watched Buffy finish getting ready; she managed to rip two more pairs of stockings before she finally got the third pair on without incident. This time Buffy had ripped the stockings on purpose, making a show of it, one pair she practically sliced into ribbons with her nails. Which they both had a good laugh at, and even though Buffy thought Faith didn't know, she did and she loved her even more for it. They left their room together hand in hand, Faith mumbling under her breath something about, getting Buffy steel tights, and having thought she had taught Buffy better then that, while Buffy mumbled back something about, being out of practice and being jealous of a pair of stockings. Both Slayers' voices were light, teasing, as they squeezed each other's hand and made their way to the hanging garden out in the back of the Fates' home.
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Continued in XXVIII � Body and Soul (Part B)

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