Magic Moments

“There’s got to be something that we can do. Spell? Charm? Can we reverse it? Wouldn’t the Skuki demon know? ‘Cos I’m more than happy to hunt the bloody thing down and drag it’s worthless, bastard backside back here. I could beat it ‘til it cracks!”

“Spike…”

“Yeah, drag it by its scraggy neck. I bet a few railway spikes in the arse would soon get it talking.”

“Spike…”

“Let’s see how *it* likes to have its innards interfered with.”

“Spike…”

“I could make its intestines into a skipping rope. Skippity fucking hop.”

“I don’t believe they have intestines.”

“No? What they got instead, then?”

“Goodness knows. A length of liquorish, perhaps? Look, Spike…”

“Alright, then. It’s got eyes, big fucking beady ones. I’ll scoop them out with a warm spoon and impale them on a fork. Make a fucking tasty lollipop.”

“Spike, I really think…”

“Brain!”

“Excuse me?”

“I’ll slice its head open and tug its tiny brain out! Mmmm, brain soup. Brain soup? Isn’t that in a song? Yeah, The Cramps, Surfin’ Dead. Return of The Living Dead soundtrack. Love that film. Pure genius.”

“Bugger me! Will you just shut up for one damn second?!”

Spike plopped down on the couch. “Only trying to help,” he said in a sulky voice.

“Yes, well. Quite. Spike, this is a very serious situation. Skuki demon magic is well known for being extremely hard to reverse. We’ll need to do some serious research if we are going to help Xander.”

“And me! I need help an’ all, you know! Nine months time and Xander bleedin’ Harris is gonna drop my sprog! I think that means that I’m also in dire need of some bloody help!”

“Yes, of course. My apologies.”

“What do we do first then? Got any…books?”

“I have plenty of books, yes, thank you. Unfortunately we will probably need a small army to find what we need, if it even exists.”

“You leading up to something?”

“Yes. We will need to get everyone together. Willow especially would be a great help, indeed.”

“Right. So we have to tell them.”

“I’m afraid so. And it also means that you need to tell Xander.”

“Bloody hell! He’s going to love this.”

“Don’t worry…”

“Don’t worry?! Easy for you to say. You ain’t in the bloody firing line, are you?!”

“As much as it pains me to admit it, I don’t think this was your fault and I’m sure that, over time, Xander will realise that.”

“You think?”

“Yes.”

“Would that be before or after the disembowelment?”

“Spike, you must understand that this will be most alarming for Xander. He’s bound to get a little edgy. And I don’t think you have helped matters by coming to see me behind his back. You really should have spoken to him first.”

Spike chewed on a polished fingernail. This was going to take some real deep thought. Options to consider. Last hour to backtrack. Alternate routes that could have been taken, to mull over. Time to be knuckle down, be sensible and really think about what happened. “Oh, bugger.”

“I believe that was the correct response, yes.”

“I've fucked this up already, haven’t I? Shit. He’s gonna be so mad. Should have spoken to him first. Bollocks.”

Giles nodded and sighed. “I suggest you bring him here and tell him. Perhaps you can use the sofa for cover.”

“Yeah. Good idea. You can calm him down, right?”

Giles wasn’t confident. “I can try. Although I’m willing to place a bet that Slayer strength will be needed.”

“Should have told him first,” Spike said under his breath.

“Bring him here. I can only try to…”

Spike bounced up from the couch. “I’ve got it!”

Giles sat down. “Oh, dear Lord,” he said, dropping his head in his hands.

“We could pretend that I was never here! Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s all so clear. I’ll pretend that I was never here. I’ll go tell Xan that he’s up the duff, bring him here, break the bad news to you, you act all surprised and then we get to work with the research!”

“Spike…”

“Yeah! Bloody brilliant plan! See, that’s why I’m a Master. It’s all in the brains.”

“Spike…”

“He’ll never know. He can get all upset…oh, with me. I’m still gonna get the blame. Not so good. Now how am I going to get around that?”

“Spike…”

“I got it!!”

“Oh, dear Lord.”

“I’ll tell him it’s fatal! That way he’ll be whining about how he’s too young to die and I can drag him here for you to tell him that it’ll be okay, he’ll live and we can start the research right away!”

“Now that would just be cruel. Don’t you dare…”

“Oh, bloody hell, alright. I’ll tell him it *could* be fatal. Better?”

“Well, actually, no…”

“Good. Back in jiffy.”

“Spike…”

“Oh, and stick the kettle on. I’m dying for a brew.”

Spike had a plan.

Spike was happy.

Spike was certain that Giles would sort out the little ‘problem’.

Spike was the happiest vampire in all of Sunnydale.

Spike had a shock coming.

TBC…