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Been Here Too Few Years	By : addielogan Category: > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 18659 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Buffy hesitated a step as she walked into
the hospital room, forcing herself to smile instead of wince at the sight of
her mother. Joyce's head was bandaged and she was hooked up to more machines than
Buffy could identify, but the beep of the heart monitor was strong, and she
made herself focus on that. The surgery may have not been a complete success, but
Buffy knew what was the most important thing now�her mother was alive. Joyce
had gotten this far, and she could keep fighting.
Still, looking at her now made it harder for
Buffy to believe that. Joyce was awake, though still feeling the effects from
the drugs, and she looked even weaker now than she had when Buffy had first
seen her in the hospital. Buffy had known that would be the case this soon
after surgery, but it was still managed to be a bit of a shock.
Slowly, Buffy approached the bed and took
her mother's hand. Her skin felt cold, but Joyce made a weak attempt to squeeze
Buffy's fingers, letting her daughter know there was indeed life still in her.
"Mommy," Buffy said softly, her voice hitching. "I'm�" She
stopped for a moment, trying to compose herself, to say something more guarded,
the way she wanted to be, but instead she found herself saying, "I'm so
happy just to see your eyes open."
Joyce smiled softly, and Buffy could tell
from the expression her mother was in pain even as she tried not to let it
show. "I'm going to be all right," Joyce said, her voice hoarse. "You
don't need to worry, Buffy."
Buffy almost reached out to push her
mother's hair back from her face, but stopped, afraid if she did she'd jostle
her head too much and hurt her. "I kinda can't help that, you know,"
Buffy told her. "You're my mom, and you're in the hospital. That's high on
the list of worry-causers."
"You've got good things to focus
on," Joyce replied, her words sounding as if they were a struggle, with
the pain and the medication she was speaking through. "Spike has his
record deal. This is a happy time for the two of you."
"And it'll be even happier when you're
better," Buffy said, patting her mother's hand gently.
Joyce nodded slowly, and her eyes began to
drift shut. The doctor had told them she probably wouldn't be awake long this
time, and she'd already spent some time with Dawn and Giles. Part of Buffy
hated to let go now, afraid that if her mother did fall asleep again, she
wouldn't wake back up. Yet the logical part of her knew what Joyce really
needed right now in order to work towards getting healthy again was more rest.
Carefully, as to not jostle the IV, Buffy
raised Joyce's hand to her mouth and gave it a soft kiss. "I'll let you
sleep now, Mom, and I'll see you again soon."
Joyce's eyes opened all the way just long
enough for her to nod before they closed again. Buffy let go of her hand and
quietly left the room.

***
*** ***
When visiting hours had ended and the doctor
had assured the Giles-Summers clan that Joyce would most likely be sleeping for
the rest of the evening, they'd headed back to Revello Drive, silence filling
the car as they did.
Spike and Giles had ended up in the kitchen,
and Buffy could hear them speaking quietly to each other, about what she wasn't
sure. She decided not to intrude, but to let them have their father/son moment.
She went upstairs instead, stopping in front
of Dawn's room when she saw the girl's door was partially open. Buffy peeked
her head in and saw Dawn sitting on the bed, starring down at a stuffed doll
she'd had for years. It was a soft cloth doll, and its head, arms, and legs
were sticking out of a stuffed pumpkin.
"Pumpkinbelly," Buffy remarked,
making Dawn look up suddenly, unaware she was being watched until her sister
had spoken.
"Yeah. I dug her out of my
closet." Dawn lowered her arms, the doll now hanging just below her knees.
"I was just�thinking."
"Do you want to be alone?" Buffy
asked.
Dawn shook her head in response. "No.
You can come in."
Buffy accepted the invitation and went into
the room, sitting on the edge of the bed beside her younger sister. Long
moments of silence passed, and Buffy gently stroked Dawn's long, dark hair.
"We look more like sisters now that you aren't dying yours anymore,"
Dawn said, glancing over at Buffy.
"We've always looked like
sisters," Buffy said. "Now we just look like sisters with more
similar hair."
Dawn smiled partially, then brought her gaze
back down to the doll. She twirled it by its arms, making it do an awkward spin
in the air. "Mom bought this for me years ago. It was all smooshed at the
bottom of this pile of reduced price Halloween stuff at the grocery
store."
"I remember," Buffy told her.
"A Pumpkinbelly for her Pumpkinbelly."
"Yeah." Dawn was silent for
another moment, then continued to stare at the doll as she spoke again.
"It drove me crazy when she'd still call me that. I'd ask her to stop, but
she'd keep doing it, and I�" She stopped for a beat, fighting tears.
"Now I'd be happy to let her call me that every day. I just want her home,
and better and�"
"I know, Dawnie," Buffy said when
the teenager trailed off, letting go of her sister's hair to rub her back.
"She's not even easy to live
with," Dawn continued after a moment. "She makes me so angry, and
sometimes I wish she'd go away. It was getting better before she got sick, I
think, but� Well, you know, Buffy. You know as well as anyone. But I don't want
her to die. I'd rather she was here to yell and drive me crazy than have her be
dead."
"Me, too," Buffy admitted.
Dawn glanced up. "Even after
Christmas?"
"Yeah. That hurt, and I don't think I'm
really over it, but I love her. I'd rather go through that every
Christmas for the rest of my life than not have her at all�as crazy as that may
sound."
"I keep thinking about when we go to
Grandpa's grave. We just stand there, staring at a rock with his name on it and
the ground like we're really visiting him. But we can't see him, can't
talk to him, and it doesn't make it feel like he's not gone forever. I don't
want to have it be like that with Mom, too. Not now, not when I'm only
sixteen."
Dawn's eyes filled with tears, and Buffy wrapped
her arm around her sister to hold her close. She wanted to tell Dawn everything
was going to be okay, that their mother would definitely live for a long time
after this. But she couldn't. Even with the treatments, there was no guarantee Joyce
would make a full recovery, nor was their one that the cancer wouldn't come
back. There was a chance�there was hope�but there was no promise.
Instead, Buffy held Dawn tightly in her
arms, and the two sisters cried together.

***
*** ***
Spike was glad Buffy had gone to sleep
quickly, even though he was still wide-awake. She was mentally and physically
exhausted, and he knew she needed this rest. She'd had circles under her eyes
ever since Spike had arrived in Sunnydale, reminding him more of the girl she'd
been when he'd first seen her again in New York than she had in a long time.
He didn't want her to have to carry this
sort of burden, and he hated how he couldn't make life easier for her. She was
twenty-two and already she'd known more heartache than many people much older.
He'd done what he could since he'd come into her life, but there was only so
much one man could do. Spike wanted to completely shield her from any
heartache, keep her from knowing anything but happiness.
Yet all he'd done today was make things
worse for her. He remembered all too well the pain of watching your mother
suffer the way Joyce was now, and he hated to think of Buffy going through
that. Being only human, he was frustratingly incapable of making things wholly
better for her, but Spike had hoped he could at least be of some comfort to
her. He'd wanted his presence to be soothing, to give her the extra strength
she'd need to get through this. Instead, he'd acted like a total dick.
He hated that he couldn't control his
jealousy any better than he did. He didn't want to be jealous, of Ben or
anyone else for that matter. It wasn't even an issue of not trusting her,
because he did. He loved Buffy deeply, and he did trust her and their
relationship.
But he'd trusted Drusilla as well�
Spike knew Buffy was nothing like Drusilla. The
time he'd spent away from his former girlfriend and with Buffy had forced him
to see his ex for what she truly was. She was cold and manipulative where Buffy
was warm and giving. He knew that. Rationally, he knew that.
However, where his heart was concerned,
Spike had always had a difficult time being rational. Even with knowing the
sort of woman Drusilla really was, Spike couldn't help but blame himself at
least partially for her infidelity. Something must have driven her into
the arms of another man, after all, and Drusilla had been quite insistent about
that something being him. She'd told him he wasn't pleasing her anymore, told
him he fell short as a lover. In the beginning, she'd told him the exact
opposite, praising his abilities to please her in a way no other man ever had.
He didn't think he'd started doing anything differently, but what if he had? What
if he was the sort of man who got boring after a while? Was he not
long-term relationship material?
Spike had always tried to fight it when his
thoughts took this turn, but he couldn't help it. He'd wanted to be everything
for Drusilla, and he'd failed. Now, he wanted to be everything for Buffy�how did
he know he'd be any more successful there? What if whatever it was that made
Drusilla run to the arms of another man was something fundamentally wrong with him?
Was there something he did wrong, something he wasn't aware of but that would
make any woman tire of him eventually?
Nothing terrified him like the thought of
losing Buffy. Nothing. All he'd ever wanted in his entire life was for a
woman to look at him the way she did, to need him the way she did, and
to lose that� He couldn't even let himself think about it. It frightened him so
much that every time he saw another man getting too close to Buffy, he'd become
afraid that she'd find in him whatever Spike was missing in himself. He
couldn't be sure he wasn't failing Buffy in someway, not being everything she
needed, and he was afraid if she got close to someone else, she'd realize where
Spike was lacking and not want to deal with it anymore.
And Ben�he had to be better, didn't he? Even
with the record deal, Spike was still a musician, and society didn't exactly
label them the stable, marrying kind. But doctors, they were the real prize,
weren't they? Didn't women want to date the rock star and marry
the doctor? Spike knew he was flawed. He had a quick temper, a checkered past,
and he wasn't so na�ve as to think he didn't drink too bloody much. He was
damaged goods, and even if this record deal led to millions in the bank for
him, he'd still be damaged goods. Not some clean-cut, professional-looking doctor
who could promise the whole White Picket Fence Dream.
So yeah, he was jealous, and yeah, he wanted
Ben to stay the hell away from Buffy. The longer the soon-to-be doctor stuck
around, the more opportunities Buffy would have to see how Spike was somehow
deficient.
Or maybe it wouldn't be Ben. Maybe it
wouldn't even be another man. Maybe Buffy would just wake up one day and
realize she was throwing her life away with him. Then she'd leave him, and he'd
be forced to go back to being so painfully alone. Only this time, it would be
worse, because no one else could ever be to him what Buffy was. She wasn't cold
like Dru. She was warm and loving with a smile that made his heart melt, and
Spike knew no one else would ever make him feel like Buffy did, not even if he
searched forever.
Buffy was curled up in the bed, facing but
not touching him, and the small amount of space between them became too much
for Spike to handle. Gently, so as not to wake her, Spike brought Buffy into
his arms, the tension in his body draining as he held her again. Buffy made a
small mew in her sleep and snuggled closer to him, and Spike brushed a soft
kiss to her forehead with a smile. She was his now, and maybe she always would
be. Maybe he'd get lucky, and she would want to stay with him.
When Spike looked into his future, all he
could see was Buffy. The future he wanted to live anyway... He knew becoming
rich and famous was certainly something he'd enjoy, but he didn't want it if he
didn't have Buffy. In every fantasy he had for his life from there on out, she
was with him, by his side. He wanted to share everything with her, and he knew
without her it would all be at best bittersweet. Without her, everything would
be hollow.
"Don't ever leave me, kitten," he
whispered, knowing Buffy couldn't hear his needy plea. "I couldn't make it
again, not after�" He stopped, the mere thought of losing her choking him.
He took a deep breath, trying to force
himself to stop thinking about these things. Buffy was in his arms, and that
was what really mattered. He had to have the hope they could make it.
Spike tightened his arms around her as he
tried to find sleep.

***
*** ***
I'm sorry I didn't post on Tuesday, but
between being out of town until later than I'd expected on Monday and then
being completely swamped playing catch-up at work, I couldn't get anything
written. I'm hoping I'll be able to post two chapters again next week, but
right now I really can't make any promises. I currently have no chapters in
reserve, and I'm having a hard time writing this one again. I know exactly
where I'm going�I have from the very start�but that doesn't mean I can always
get my thoughts down. I'm hoping I can find the time and inspiration to work
through this and get back into a groove, but if I don't post as regularly as I
have been for a little bit, please, try to be patient and understanding. I'm
not saying I'm going to go back to months between posts again, but it may have
to go down to one chapter a week for a little bit.
Please review. My muse and I would really
appreciate the encouragement.
- 36
- 37
- 38
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Been Here Too Few Years