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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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“Buffy,” I hear someone whisper and I groan in protest. It’s too early to get up. The sun isn’t even out yet. This is southern California, if the sun isn’t out it’s too early to be awake. “Buffy, wake up.” The voice is a little louder now and I can tell that it’s my mom trying to wake me up. Why can’t she just let me rest? What is she, the sleep Nazi?
“I don’t want to go to school today,” I groan and roll away from the hand gently shaking my shoulders. Apparently there is no getting away from her because now she’s rubbing my back and I groan again. “I can’t go. I have a temperature.” I hear her laugh but this isn’t funny. I was having an amazing dream and she ruined it. I was on a beach and Faith was there and she held me in her arms and we stared at the water until the sun went down. Then we walked back to this little hut right there on the beach and we made love for hours and listened to the sounds of the ocean.
“Buffy, it’s seven at night and it’s Saturday. You don’t have to go to school, so drop the act, ok?” What, it’s seven o’ clock at night? Why was I sleeping? My eyebrows furrow together when the day rushes to min my. Mom walked in on me and faith in the kitchen and she totally wigged over almost nothing. I roll over onto my back and look up at my mom and she doesn’t look angry anymore. “Hi, sweetheart, did you have a nice nap?” I nod my head a little but I don’t say anything. I’m not sure what to say.
“So did you kick Faith out?” Or maybe I do know what to say. She lets out a little sigh and now she has a serious look on her face. She doesn’t look mad but she does look like I’m not going to like what she has to say. I tense up a little bit and prepare myself. There’s no way in hell Faith would’ve left without saying goodbye. Unless Mom wouldn’t let her but I doubt even she’s that heartless.
“No, I didn’t. I’m not going to lie, I thought about it for a second but then I took a breath and realized it would have been a huge mistake,” she says and lets out a little sigh and she gently brushes some of my hair out of my face. “Besides, I’m not about to let that little girl go back to living in shady motels because of her mother’s mistake.” She gives me a look and I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes.
“So, that’s what you think, that Faith and I being together is a mistake?” I ask and my voice sounds calm and not agitated like I thought it was going to. I guess I must be too tired to be mad right now.
“No, that’s not what I meant. I meant the two of you…being intimate in the kitchen was a mistake.” I can feel my neck and face heat up in a huge blush and I was really hoping she wasn’t going to bring that up but I guess I’ve run out of luck. “Faith explained the situation to me.” She did what? “She told me how you fell for each other and you’re a big reason why she didn’t take Tanner back when he showed up here, and you’re a big part of why she’s trying to turn her life around.” She said what now?
“I had to help her, Mom,” I say and my voice just cracked a little. Thinking about what Tanner did to her, the things he said to her, always makes me a mix of sad and angry. Mom softly rubs my arm a little and I hold back a sob. “I love her so much and I couldn’t let her go through that anymore.” A tear slips out of my eye but before it can get too far Mom brushes it away.
“I know, sweetie, and you did the right thing,” she says and I feel a ‘but’ coming on. Hopefully it won’t be too bad. You know, nothing like ‘but I don’t want you two together and I forbid it under my roof’. Anything with that general theme would really suck. “And if the two of you love each other and she makes you happy and treats you right then I don’t have a problem with you two dating.” It cannot be that easy. There’s no way I’m getting off the hook like that. “But I don’t want you having sex, and if I catch the two of you in the act again you’ll be grounded until you leave for college.” This time I don’t fight the urge to roll my eyes and she lightly smacks me on the arm.
“Ok, ok,” I say and look her in the eyes. “I won’t break your precious delusion that I’m still your sweet, innocent little girl even though I’m almost eighteen and will technically be a legal adult.” She gets this little glare on her face that totally says ‘you’re not funny, young lady’ but she’s also fight back a smile so I don’t think she’s too annoyed with me right now.
“Thank you. I appreciate that,” she says and leans down and gives me a kiss on the forehead. What is it with moms and kissing their children’s foreheads? Faith does it all the time to Sam. Even when Sam says she’s too big for kisses. Well, sometimes she says that. Other times she accepts Faith’s affection and demands more because she isn’t getting enough love. Trust me, it only works if you’re Sam. Maybe I need to get some tips on pouting form her. Crap, that reminds me.
“Where’s Sam?” I ask and sit up a little. She was right here when I feel asleep but considering my mom isn’t having a panic attack and Faith isn’t tearing the house and neighborhood apart I think it’s safe to assume she’s safe. Mom gets an amused smile on her face but I really don’t see what’s so funny. It’s not like my voice sounds weird or I’m panicking ‘cause she’s not hear.
“She’s downstairs with Faith. She came into the kitchen about two hours ago and said it was your nap time,” she says and now I understand the amused smile. Whenever I think about something Sam has done or said I get a smile like that on my face. Her expression changes, though, and now she looks more serious. Damn, I hope she’s not about to change her mind about being ok with Faith and me ‘cause that’s just not fair.
“I understand that Faith is important to you and being with her means taking on a lot of adult responsibilities that, if I had my way, you wouldn’t be taking on for another ten years.” Great, this doesn’t sound good. She doesn’t want to be a mom yet so she doesn’t want me to see Faith. That is so stupid and I can’t believe she’s acting this way. “I’m not sayin g I’m going to stop you from being with Faith, so don’t give me that look, but I want you to go to college.” Oh, it’s one of those speeches. “If you’re going to be part of a family, Buffy, you need to be able to provide for them and going to a good college and getting a degree is your best chance.” Hmm, I never thought about it like that before.
“I get it, Mom, I do. It’s just with Faith and Sam and slaying I don’t think I’m going to have enough time for school. I barely have enough time now and my friends are starting to get suspicious because I barely have enough time to hand out with them anymore,” I tell her and I didn’t mean to but my eyes are starting to water. I guess my mental stress is starting to catch up. She gets that sympathetic ‘mom’ look on her face and wraps me up in a big hug. This is what I’ve wanted to be able to do for a long time. Since I became the slayer, if I’m being completely honest with myself. I wanted to be able to open up and tell her my problems so she could wrap her arms around me and make me feel safe.
“Faith told me it’s been hard for you, for the both of you,” she says and gives me a little kiss on the side of my head. “It will get easier, sweetheart, once the secrets come out and everyone understands what you’re going through.” No one ever understands what I’m going through. I’m alone, I’m always alone. At least I was until Faith came along and now my life doesn’t feel so lonely. It’s kind of amazing how loved and safe she can make me feel.
“Are you thinking about Faith?” she asks and I pull back from the hug to look at her. How the hell did she know that? Maybe she somehow got some demon blood on her and now she can read minds. She chuckles a little bit and starts playing with my hair a little. “I used to let out little sighs like that whenever I thought about your father.” I sighed? Weird, I didn’t even notice. “I could tell there was something going on between you two. I just didn’t realize you were this smitten for each other.” She knew there was something between us? Why didn’t she say anything before?
“How did you know?” I ask and she lets out a little sigh. I thought we were covering things up pretty well. Yeah, Tanner was suspicious but he’s a freak, and Willow got upset because I was spending more time with Faith but she didn’t think there was anything romantic going on. I can tell Mom is trying to pick her words carefully. Her lips are tight and she looks thoughtful so I guess she doesn’t really know what to say. I hope she doesn’t say ‘it’s just a mom thing’ because that is such a cop out.
“The little things you two did gave it away,” she says and I get a confused look on my face. “The way you would watch her when she left the room and the swoon you would get was kind of a giveaway. The way she look at you whenever you played with Samantha gave away her feelings too. Even when it was obvious you were mad at each other you always got those swoony looks.” Swoony? I think she’s starting to talk like me, which is a scary thought. “I just didn’t realize you two were aware of your feelings and had acted on them.” I blush and break eye contact. I really wish he would stop bringing that up.
“I’ve never felt like this before about anyone,” I say and I feel like we should be wearing pajamas and eating ice cream. Speaking of which, I’m going to have to plan another girls’ night with Will because even though I’ve been making more of an effort she’s still jealous I’m spending most time with Faith. “It wasn’t even like this with Angel.” I look up at her and study her face. We haven’t talked about Angel since the night she found out I’m a slayer. She looks a little upset but she doesn’t look angry, and I’ll admit I’m testing her. She’s being really cool about everything but everyone has a limit and I want to see what hers are.
“Being with someone can be very intense,” she says and I nod my head in agreement. Both of my relationships were intense, that’s for sure. “It was like that in the beginning with your father. He could make me feel like the only woman in the world who’s ever been loved, and the next day he could drive me so crazy I thought maybe twenty-five to life wasn’t such a bad thing.” I laugh a little bit and pick at imaginary lint on the bed. Mom hadn’t talked about Dad like this in a long time. She used to tell me stories about how they met and where he took her for their first date. I never really paid attention but now I miss hearing her talk about it.
“Do you still love Dad?” I ask and look up at her. At this point I don’t know why she would. The things he said to her when they were fighting…let’s just say I’m kind of surprise she isn’t serving twenty-five to life right now. She lets out a little sigh and she looks thoughtful again. I don’t think I can handle the silence this time. “He was so awful to you before you split up so why would you still be in love with him? That’s just crazy, right?”
“It is crazy,” she says and starts playing with my hair again. See, I was right. Loving someone who’s really awful is totally crazy. “But he gave me you, so a little part of me will always love him.” That makes sense I guess, but the situations are totally different. She was with Dad for years so I get how that could leave behind some residual feelings. “Do you still have feelings for Angel?” Ok, so maybe I wasn’t being as subtle as I thought. I really need to get better at that, take a drama class maybe. “Sweetie, it’s ok if you do. He was an important part of your life and those feelings aren’t going to just disappear because he’s gone.” I get tears in my eyes and she wipes them away while they fall.
“I know that, but I feel so guilty about it,” I say and sniffle. I really wish I could stop crying. I’ve cried a lot today and I really want it to stop. “Faith is this amazing person and I feel like I’m cheating on her whenever I think about Angel and how he made me feel. But then I think about how Faith is making me feel now and it’s a million times better.” She wraps me up in a big hug and she kisses the side of my head the way moms do when their babies are in turmoil.
It felt really great getting that off my chest but I still feel guilty about the way I feel about Angel despite the bad he caused. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. It’s not like I’m the only one who’s trying to get over someone else. Faith still loves Tanner, even if the only reason is he gave her Samantha. The thought of her having any types of feelings towards that creep other than hatred drives me a little crazy but I have to keep that to myself. I’m sure it would do nothing but drive Faith away if I talked about it.
“You don’t have to feel guilty about it, sweetheart. I’m sure Faith will understand if you tell her.” Tell her, why in God’s name would I tell her? I don’t get mad at Mom for saying that. Instead I hug her a little tighter before I let her go. I don’t want to hurt her and I’m so strong I always seem to hurt people when I hug them. You know, people who aren’t slayers or vampire types. “I need to go. I told Faith I would get Sam ready for bed. She wants to make sure you’re ok.” That’s kind of bold. I’m surprised Faith would ask to be alone with me after what happened in the kitchen. Mom gets a very serious look on her face and I can tell it’s a warning.
“Buffy, leave the door open,” she says and gives me another kiss on the side of the head before she gets up and leaves the room. I let out a big relieved sigh and lie back against my pillows. I can’t believe how well that went. My mom and I had a conversation about the two people I’ve ever really loved and it didn’t end in a fight. Sure, there were a couple of embarrassing and kind of tense moments but there were no angry words or harsh tones. No phrases that resembled ‘I’m so disappointed I don’t know what to think’ and best of all she isn’t going to kick Faith out and she’s not going to stop us from being together.
I get a big, dopey smile on my face when I feel the bed depress and someone starts crawling towards me. I know it’s Faith and seeing her crawl up the bed like some kind of exotic jungle cat would be all kinds of sexy, which is why I can’t look. If I do I won’t be able to resist and I don’t want to break Mom’s new rules five minutes after she left the room. That would be really bad. So I’ll just have to settle for wrapping my arms around her and holding her while she rests her head on my shoulder.
“So your mom is the coolest person on Earth,” she says as she wraps an arm around my stomach and I can’t help but chuckle. That’s the understatement of the year. “I really thought she was going to kill me down there. I’ve never seen anyone glare that hard before. Except maybe you when Xander eats the last doughnut.” I laugh and she places a couple of sweet kisses on my neck. I guess my libido remembers that I didn’t get to come earlier because my body comes alive at just that simple touch.
“What can I say? I learned from the best,” I say and she kisses me a couple more times. Ok, now she’s not being fair. “I’m sure Mom explained the new rules, Faith. We’re not allowed to do anything or I’ll be grounded until graduation. I really don’t think what you’re doing is a good idea. Especially since she’s right now the hall and my door is open.” Faith laughs a little and sits up just enough to see my face and she has that little twinkle in her eyes that means she’s up to no good. I gulp and try not to look nervous but I don’t think it’s working.
“Come on, B. I can be quiet. I’m sure if you try hard enough you can be quiet too,” she says and slowly moves her hand across my stomach and lightly scratches my skin. My flesh erupts in tons of goosebumps, and I suck in a deep breath. I hate that she has so much control over me, my mind, and my body. I put my hand on her wrist and try to pull her hand away but she’s persistent. She’s looking in my eyes and that twinkle in hers is getting stronger. I must look frightened because she has a little smirk on her face now.
“Don’t worry, B, I’m just messing with ya,” she says with a chuckle and lays her head on my shoulder again. It feels really great being able to hold her and be so open about it. I don’t have to worry about Mom walking in and seeing us like this, and wigging out. At the same time it’s kind of awful we can cuddle and maybe get away with some light petting but never really getting to connect? This is going to be hell.
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Know Who I Am