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Been Here Too Few Years	By : addielogan Category: > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 18659 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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As soon as they had passed the Welcome to
Sunnydale sign, Buffy announced, "I want to see her tonight."
"It's after visiting hours now,"
Giles replied. "We can go first thing in the morning."
Buffy shook her head. "I can't wait
until tomorrow, Giles. I need to see
her."
Giles could tell from the tone in Buffy's
voice that her mind was not going to be changed. "All right. We'll go to
the hospital, and you can try to get them to allow you to see her tonight."
Buffy leaned her head against the seat and
was quiet again until they reached the hospital.

***
*** ***
"Please, you have to let me see her.
She's my mother, and I just found out what's going on. Please."
The doctor didn't budge, his arms crossed
squarely over his chest. "I'm sorry, Miss Summers, but you're going to
have to wait until regular visiting hours. It's in your mother's best
interest."
Tears pricked Buffy's eyes. "It won't
be for long. I just have to see her, know she's really still here. I'm begging
you�"
"I can't allow you to. It's against
hospital policy If you'll just come back tomorrow, you
can�"
"Doctor? You're needed in ICU."
The doctor Buffy had been talking to stopped
and turned around to face a dark haired man in blue scrubs. "Oh. Would you
do me a favor and see that Miss Summers finds her way back downstairs
safely?"
He smiled. "Of course."
Buffy turned to the man in the scrubs.
"Look, I'm just trying to see my mother for a minute, I�"
He glanced back to watch the doctor
disappear into the elevator. "I know. I caught the conversation. That's
why I got him to go away. I'm sneaking you in."
Buffy couldn't help the grin that came to
her lips. "You mean no one actually needed him?"
He shrugged. "Maybe. People need him a
lot. He's a good doctor, he just not exactly big with the emotions. Which may
be good in his line of work. I'm Ben, by the way. Intern."
"I'm Buffy Summers."
"Joyce's daughter?" Ben asked.
"Yeah. How did you know? We don't have
the same last name�"
"You look like her a little" Ben
replied. "And hey, I was just about to bring her her pills to help her
sleep, so you've got good timing tonight."
"I know I probably shouldn't be here
now," Buffy said, "but I just found out what was happening this
afternoon. We've been sort of�out of touch."
"It's okay. I understand." Ben put
his hand on her arm and gave it a comforting squeeze. "Come on. Let's go
see your mom."
Buffy followed Ben down the long, quiet
hall, taking deep breaths as she did. She could do this�. She had to do this�
Ben rapped softly on the door before opening
it partially and sticking his head in. "I've brought your nightly pills
and a visitor," he said.
Buffy stood behind him, hidden from her
mother's view and listened as Joyce asked, "A visitor?" Her voice
sounded so tired, more worn than Buffy had ever heard it be before, and she
fought back the urge to start crying again.
"Yeah. She was so adamant on seeing you
despite it being after visiting hours, that I couldn't
say no." Ben stepped to the side, revealing Buffy, and Joyce gasped.
"Buffy? Is�is that really you?"
Buffy nodded, choked up at the sight of her
mother. Joyce was pale, too thin, and had dark circles under her eyes.
"Hi, Mom."
Any hope that Buffy had of not crying now
was ruined when her mother burst into tears. "Oh, Buffy� I can't believe
you're really here. I didn't think�" She trailed off and opened her arms,
pleading with tired eyes.
Buffy didn't deny her. Past pains and
grievances aside, this woman was her mother,
and she was quite possibly dying. She moved into Joyce's embrace as Ben set out
the pills and water, then slipped from the room, letting the two women have a
moment to themselves.
The mood in the hospital room was heavy,
both women crying silently as they held on to each other. Finally, Buffy pulled
away and wiped her eyes. "You know," she said, desperate to break the
tension, "You didn't have to get a brain tumor just to make me talk to you
again."
Much to Buffy's relief, Joyce laughed,
though the tears will still there. "Buffy, I'm so sorry. I don't even know
how to tell you how much I hate what I did to you. I've done a lot of thinking,
a lot of soul-searching, and�"
"Not now, okay,
Mom?" Buffy said, holding up
her hand. "We'll say it all when you're better."
Joyce nodded slowly. "When I'm
better."
Buffy and Joyce both fell silent, the only
sounds in the room the whirs and beeps of the monitors, and Buffy took deep
breaths, trying to get herself under control again. It was hard being there,
hard seeing her mother so weak and pale as well as hard just seeing her at all.
She couldn't say all was forgiven. As sick as Joyce was, she wanted to, but she
couldn't. The pain was too raw inside of her for that.
But she loved her mother. As a little girl,
she'd idolized her, adored her. It was what had made her mother's rejection of
her later hurt so much. Buffy didn't�couldn't�look at her mother the
same way she had as a child, but she had never stopped loving her, and she
couldn't turn away from her now. In the face of something so terrible, her hurt
and anger didn't seem quite as important anymore.
She was, however, tired, and keenly aware of
the fact that she was somewhere she wasn't really supposed to be. She'd seen
her mother, made the first step, and there was nothing more that could really
be done that night. Buffy cleared her throat and spoke. "I should be
going. You need your rest, and Giles is waiting for me in the car, so�"
She trailed off.
Joyce nodded, understanding. "Can you
come back tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I can. I'll stay in town for a
little while, keep you company while you're recovering." Another wave of
emotion washed over Buffy then, and she could see the same thing playing out on
her mother's face.
"We'll have time, Buffy," Joyce
said softly. "We'll have time to make up for all of it."
"I'm counting on it, Mom," Buffy
replied, though she had a hard time getting conviction into her voice. She
moved to embrace Joyce again, and held on tightly.
"I love you, Buffy," Joyce
whispered against her cheek. "I really do, my baby."
"I know, Mom." Buffy pulled away.
"We'll talk more later, okay?"
Joyce nodded again. "Okay." She
reached out and squeezed her daughter's hand, and Buffy swallowed when she felt
how weak her mother's grip was. "I'm really glad you came, Buffy."
Buffy gently squeezed her hand back.
"So am I."

***
*** ***
Both Giles and Buffy had been more or less
silent on the ride back to Revello Drive. When Buffy had gotten home, she'd
talked to Dawn some before going to bed, though both girls had avoided the
topic of their mother. Instead, they had both tried to keep the conversation
light, though there was a heaviness to everything around them anyway. Buffy
could still feel the tension she'd felt in the hospital hanging in the house as
well.
When she'd finally been able to get to bed,
she hadn't found sleep. There had been a few times when Spike had had a gig
outside the city and they'd slept apart, but those had been scarce in their
relationship, and she was having a hard time not being in his arms now. She
wanted him to hold her, comfort her, be her strength, her rock. She wanted him
to make her believe that everything was going to be okay.
If she couldn't be in his arms, then Buffy
needed to at least hear his voice. That deep rumble itself was soothing, and
Buffy knew if she could just talk to him, even for a moment, she'd feel better.
She dug her cell phone out of her purse and
pressed the speed dial button for their apartment. Spike answered almost
immediately, and a small smile managed to find its way to her lips as she
realized he'd been keeping the phone close to him in case she called.
"Hey, honey," she said, trying her best not to sound like she'd been
crying, though she knew Spike would know better.
"Hey, luv. I thought you might call
tonight. How are you holding up?"
"I'm holding." Buffy sniffled.
"I saw her tonight. It was after visiting hours, but an intern got the
stuffy doctor to go away so I could sneak into her room."
"Oh? How did that go?"
Buffy took a deep breath and held it for a
second before she let it out, "She looks really worn down, Spike. I've
never seen her look like that before. She looks weak, and my mom's not supposed
to be weak." She stopped, a sob lodging itself in her throat.
"She's not weak, kitten," Spike
replied. "She's strong. She'll fight this."
"She has to, because�" Buffy
stopped, and for a few moments she was quiet, save for the sound of soft tears.
"I can't process it all. This morning, as far as I knew, she was healthy,
and now� It's all like a bad dream. None of it seems real."
"I know, baby." Spike didn't know
what else to say. He was at a loss at what to do to make her feel better, and
he hated how helpless it made him feel.
"It's all so confusing. On the one
hand, I'm still mad at her, y'know? Christmas was only a few months ago, and
that's still stings enough even without everything else. And now she's sick, so
I feel guilty that I can't just get over it."
"Sweetheart, it's a lot to get over.
She treated you terribly. And yeah, her being sick does put things into
perspective and makes it so you've got to weigh things a little differently,
but of course you're not going to simply magically forget it all."
"I know, but still, I�" Buffy
paused a beat, breathing slowly. "Part of me's even angry at her for
getting sick. I know it's crazy, because it's not like she got a brain tumor on
purpose, but I feel like she forced my hand. I wasn't quite ready to make
amends, and now I have to in case she�" She stopped there, not able to
finish the sentence, but then started speaking again. "And also, I'm angry
she kept it from me until now. She's known that something was wrong for a while
now, and instead of getting the time to absorb it, I get, 'Hey, your mother
could die like, any moment now�go kiss and make up before you have a lifetime
of regrets.'"
"It's okay, princess. No one really
expects that out of you."
"She does. She was apologizing to me
tonight, and I just couldn't. I couldn't. I told her to save it for when
she was better, because I had nothing I could say right now to an apology. I
want her to tell me she's sorry when she's healthy, when I know she really
means it and isn't just saying it to make her peace." Buffy stopped and
wiped at her eyes. "I miss you so much right now. I can't sleep without
you, Spike."
"Oh, kitten� I promise you, this will
be the only night, okay? I'll drive up to Sunnydale as soon as I finish what I
need to do tomorrow, and I'll be there in time to hold you while you
sleep."
Buffy sniffed. "Okay. And you'll be
here Friday, when she's in surgery, right?"
"Of course. I'll be right there by your
side."
"Good, because I need you, Spike.
You're the only person that's ever been able to keep me from falling
apart."
'"I know you need me, baby. It's why
I'll be there."
"I love you, Spike."
"I love you, too. And I'll be there
very soon, I promise."
"Okay. I�I should try to get some
sleep. I'm going to go visit her in the hospital tomorrow, and I want to be as
rested as I can be."
"All right. Call me again if you need
to talk more, yeah?"
"I will. Good night."
"Good night. Love you."
"Love you, too." Buffy ended the
call and put her cell phone on the bedside table before she curled up in the
bed and tried to find sleep.

***
*** ***
Thank you so much to everyone who's been
reviewing. Your kind words and encouragement have really been giving me the
push I need to get work done on this story.
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Been Here Too Few Years