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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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When I hear the doorbell ring I get up from the breakfast bar in the kitchen. I don’t know who is at the door but they’re going to pay for interrupting my snack. I’m sympathy eating a pint of Rocky Road ice cream. I’m still upset about the argument I had with Faith the other day and we’re not even close to making up yet. It’s easier to bury the feelings under a layer of cream, sugar, marshmallows, artificial flavoring, and almonds then it is to build up the courage to talk to her. She was the one who accused me of cheating on her, of using Scott for my own twisted benefit, so why should I be the one to go to her?
I stop dead in my tracks when I see Faith open the front door. What does she think she’s doing? That could be Willow or Xander or maybe even Oz and she’s supposed to be secretly living here. Emphasis on secret. Now she’s opening the door up to anyone and totally blowing her cover. I’m going to have to knock some sense into her at our training session tomorrow. Keeping Sam a secret is her decision, not mine, but I promised I would help her and now it’s like she doesn’t even care. Well, she cares. I’m just bitter and angry because of the fight and because we can’t be together yet.
“Hey. I was hoping we could talk,” the person on the other side of the door says. My blood runs cold and I stop breathing. What the fuck is he doing here? Who the hell does he think he is just showing up here after I threatened his life? I watch Faith and she isn’t slamming the door in his face like she should be. Why the fuck isn’t she slamming the door in his face? All she does is cross her arms over her chest and look really pissed off.
“So talk,” she says and she sounds as pissed as she looks. I honestly don’t know why she’s willing to hear him out. If I were her he wouldn’t be standing anymore. But I’m not Faith and she put up with his shit for years so I guess it isn’t surprising that she’s putting up with it now. My heart rate speeds up and I can barely breathe as I wait for him to answer.
“Can I come in to say this?” he asks and my blood starts to boil. If she lets that asshole in my house I’m going to kill him and seriously question her sanity. Faith doesn’t move out of the way, and she doesn’t say a word. She just shakes her head no and keeps staring at him. “Ok. That’s fair. Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I did. Everything I put you through. You don’t deserve that.” Please tell me she isn’t going to fall for that shit. I hear her let out an angry sigh and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
“No, see that’s where you’re wrong. This isn’t about me or what you put me through. I was willing to put up with your shit because you were a good dad to Sammy. I thought as long as it was just me then I could live with it, especially after I became the slayer because I’m stronger and heal faster now. But you put your hands on my baby. You broke her fucking wrist. You put bruises on her body and she thinks it’s her fault. She thinks she did something to make you mad and that’s why you hit her.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard her sound that angry before.
“I know I fucked up, alright? I had too much to drink and she wouldn’t stay in bed. You were out with Buffy and she didn’t want to go to bed until you got home. I just lost control. You know I only get like that when I drink,” he says and he sounds desperate but also kind of agitated. Is he really trying to subtly blame this on Faith? What, she wasn’t around to be his punching bag so little Samantha had to be the stand-in?
“I can’t believe I used to listen to this and believe it all,” she says and she really does sound surprised. “You always say it’s because you drink. You always tell me you’re sorry and it’ll never happen again but it always did. You crossed a line, Tanner, and you can’t go back now. I can’t trust you with Sam anymore, and I’m not going to be able to ever again.” My chest swells with pride that she’s finally standing up to him. She’s finally putting her foot down and telling him what’s what. Of course if it were me I’d be putting my foot through his face.
“I know that, Faith,” he says and he sounds upset. Not mad, but he sounds like he’s begging. He should be begging for her to stop while she kicks his ass. “I know I screwed everything up, but I really am getting better. I haven’t had a drop to drink since that night and I’m in A.A. I’ve been going to a meeting every day and I’m getting better.” Oh shit. God, please don’t let her take him back. If there is a God you won’t let that happen. “Please, babe, let me show you how much I’ve changed. I can be what you need now. I couldn’t before but I can now.”
I see his hand slowly reach out and cup her cheek. It’s like she’s paralyzed. She isn’t pulling away but she isn’t encouraging him either. I really do think my blood is starting to boil. The same hand that beat her for years, that hurt their child, is now touching her, and it’s making me see red. I want to run over there and break his arm and throw his ass to the curb, but I can’t. It has to be Faith’s decision to tell him to step off or she’ll just get sucked right back in.
“We used to be so in love. Can we just be in love again?” I hear him ask and my heart feels like it’s been put in a vice. Please don’t let her go back to him. I love her so much and I think I might die, literally, if I lose her. I know we’ve been mad at each other, things haven’t been easy but nothing worth having is easily gained. Faith starts moving again. She grabs his hand and quickly pulls it away from her face. I can’t really see the expression on her face but if I had to guess I’d say ‘really pissed off’.
“Yeah, we used to be in love Tanner, before you showed me who you really are. You beat me and my daughter and I don’t care how many meetings you go to, it can never make up for what you did.” Oh yeah, she sounds pissed. I tense up because she just rejected him majorly and something tells me Tanner isn’t the kind of guy who takes rejection well. Hell, he can’t even take a death threat. Does he really think he can get away with this? That I wouldn’t find out and come after him?
“She isn’t just your daughter. She’s my daughter too,” he says and he sounds a little mad. I can’t believe he has the nerve to take that kind of tone with her. After all of the shit he put her through he thinks it’s ok to just show up here and get angry with her? “I made a lot of mistakes, Faith, but she’s still ours.” Ok, God, one more favor: please don’t let this become a huge custody battle. If Faith goes on the record of having a kid then the Council will find out about it. It’s already bad enough that Wesley knows.
“I know she’s ours Tanner, biologically. But you can’t really think I’d let you near her after what you did. She’s a baby, an innocent little baby, and you’re an angry drunk. I’m not going to let you fuck her up the way my parents fucked me up.” She sounds like she’s going to start crying and every fiber of my being is screaming at me to hold her and comfort her but I can’t. They need to get this conversation over with.
“I won’t just let you take her from me,” he says and now he sounds really pissed. He isn’t yelling, which is good, but his tone is really harsh and I really want to kick his teeth in. “I’m her father, she needs me.” Faith lets out a sigh and she runs a hand through her hair. He’s getting to her. She only does that when she’s not sure what to say. I can’t believe this is happening. Faith, don’t be stupid!
“I used to think that, but she’s happier now than she ever was when you were around. She’s not scared that her dad is going to lose his temper and hit her mom. She’s living in a real house with her own room and a backyard to play in. When’s the last time she had that when we were together?” She sounds even sadder than she did just a second ago and I have to fight the urge to run over there and comfort her.
“You can’t do this,” he says and he sounds really pissed off. “You can’t just take her away from me. I won’t let you.” His voice raised and he sounds pissed as hell but he still isn’t full on yelling. I guess he has better self control than I thought. Then again he isn’t drunk right now. I guess what they say it true; give someone alcohol and they’ll show you their true colors. Faith sighs again but this time it sounds irritated and she crosses her arms over her chest.
“This isn’t about you, Tanner. This is about giving Samantha what she needs. She needs a home, stability, to be surrounded by people who care about her. People who won’t hurt her,” Faith says and she doesn’t sound sad anymore but she doesn’t sound pissed off either. I honestly don’t know how to describe her. “You can’t take me to court because the Council will find out about her and take her away from both of us. If you really love her, Tanner, just back off. Don’t show up here whenever you want and demand to see her. Stop playing mind games with me. Just stop.”
The last two words were whispered softly and I don’t know why but I have tears in my eyes. I hear Tanner let out a sigh and I see Faith reach out. I have no idea what the hell she’s doing but I have a feeling she’s comforting him. I don’t know why she’s doing that. He doesn’t deserve any kindness from her, but at the same time I kind of get it. As soon as Angel got his soul back I was right there to comfort him. I guess this is Faith’s metaphorical way of driving a sword through Tanner’s chest.
“Can I see her?” he asks and I don’t think I’ve ever heard him sound so small. At first, before I found out how Tanner can really be, he seemed so charming, so confident, and it’s strange hearing him sound almost like a scared little kid. I see Faith nod her head and she takes a step back. Tanner walks into the foyer and looks around. He sees me watching them and my eyes form a glare before I can stop it. I look over at Faith and she looks…I guess numb would be a good word for it.
I want to tell him to leave. To get the hell out of my house and not come back, but I don’t. He’s a bastard, he doesn’t deserve to have Faith or Sam back in his life, but Sam needs this. She needs to see her dad one last time or the last memory she’s going to have of him is something that’s violent and nasty. Sam deserves one last memory, even if it’s a goodbye. I watch them walk upstairs and I have to fight the urge to follow. I’m worried that something bad is going to happen but I know Faith will handle it. She won’t just let it happen like she did before.
I go back into the kitchen and I sigh when I see the mess. My ice cream melted and it leaked out all over the countertop. Great, just one more thing I won’t get to enjoy today. Maybe I can go over to Willow’s later and get some of her sympathy ice cream. It’s kosher, whatever that means, but it’s still yummy and makes me feel better. I think it might be time I opened up to her about what’s been going on with Faith and me. I feel like if I don’t get it out soon I might explode.
I don’t know how long I’m sitting in the kitchen waiting but eventually they come back downstairs. I walk back into the dining room and stand in the doorway so I can see and this time I’m not even trying to be sneaky about it. Tanner came back after I told him if he ever tried I’d kill him. So I don’t really care if he knows I’m watching. I want him to feel intruded on and maybe even a little intimidated because Faith already told him she doesn’t want him around and he needs to know he’s not just messing with her if he doesn’t listen.
What I see, though, makes me take a step back. He’s holding Sam and she has her little face buried in his neck and she’s crying really hard. Her arms are wrapped tightly around his neck and her legs are wrapped around his ribs. She doesn’t want to let go. I feel a pang inside my chest because I know exactly how that feels. Since the divorce my dad has pretty much been a deadbeat, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him or want him to hold me when I’m upset.
“Sammy, it’s ok. Don’t cry, sweetness,” he says and he gently rubs her back. He sounds upset, like this is hurting him just as much as it is her. I feel for him, I really do. I want to go over there and comfort her and give her anything she wants to make her happy again and I’m not even biologically related to her. But he should have thought about all of this before he started beating his girlfriend and daughter.
“Daddy has to go now,” he says and he chokes up a little. I have tears running down my cheeks but I don’t bother wiping them away just yet. “You have to stay here with Mommy. I love you, Sammy.” He kisses the side of her head and tries to hand her to Faith but Sam won’t let go. Faith gently untangles their little girl from Tanner’s body and as soon as she loses contact with him she starts screaming. He tries to reach out and comfort her but Faith takes a step back.
“Tanner, just go,” she says and she sounds so…broken. Tanner just nods his head a little and walks out the door. As soon as the door closes Sam starts freaking out. She’s screaming, and crying, and struggling but Faith won’t let go. She starts hitting Faith, on the shoulders, in the face but Faith still won’t let her go. She grabs onto Sammy’s hands with one of her own. She keeps struggling, though. Her tiny body is wriggling and tossing around and I can tell Faith is having a hard time holding on. Not physically because she’s a slayer but I can see her resolve start to waver.
“Put me down!” Sam screams around her painful sobs. I can see the tears spill out of Faith’s eyes and I’m having a hard time breathing. “Put me down! Me down, me down, put me down!” Faith does and I can practically hear her heart break when Sam runs away from her. She runs as fast as her little legs will take her, which is surprisingly fast, into the living room and she throws herself onto the couch. What she’s doing may look a little melodramatic but I’m fourteen years older than she is and I acted pretty much the same when my dad left.
Faith just stands there in the foyer, a hand covering her mouth, tears streaming down her face, and she’s trying as hard as she can to hold it all in. Before I even realize what’s happening, my body is moving. I’m in Faith’s personal space in a heartbeat and I wrap my arms around her. She doesn’t fight me, doesn’t struggle, and doesn’t tell me to leave her alone. She clings onto me as tight as she can and she buries her face in my neck. I rub her back and my other hand is softly pressed against the back of her head. She quietly cries as the whole house echoes the sounds of her daughter’s sobs and screams. I can’t stop myself from being angry that here I am again picking up after Tanner’s mess.
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Know Who I Am