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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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My heart is pounding so hard in my chest I can feel it throbbing in my ears. I’m frozen here in the doorway and I have no idea what to do. After everything I’ve been through today this was the most unexpected thing that could have happened next. I wish I could crawl back into Faith’s bed and hide. What the hell is he doing here? Well I’m never going to find out if neither one of us speaks. I’m too thrown to say anything and I feel like a fool just standing here.
“Hi Buffy. I hope this isn’t a bad time. I need to talk to you and Willow said you came home early,” he says and remind me to kill Willow later. Preferably the next time I see her. I step outside and shut the door behind me. I hear Faith coming downstairs and the last thing I need right now is her jealousy to rear its ugly head. The last time it happened because of Scott she threw a chair against a wall. God knows what she would do this time.
“No, it’s not a bad time,” I lie and smile a very fake smile. He either doesn’t notice or he doesn’t care because he returns it with a little half smile of his own. His hands are in his pockets, he’s fidgeting, and he keeps glancing down at his shoes. Whatever he needs to talk about can’t be good. “What do you need?” Please just get to the point. Please don’t drag it out with small talk.
“I don’t really know how to say this,” he says and looks down at his shoes again. He looks up into my eyes and lets out a little breath. “I think we should break up.” Did I hear him right? He’s really going to break up with me? It’s not like I’m really hurt. I’m only dating him to distract me from Faith but my ego feels like it just took a two by four to the teeth.
“What? Why?” I ask and cross my arms over my chest. I probably look like I’m getting defensive but I’m not. At least not a lot. I’m still in my pajamas and although my breasts like that I’m not wearing a bra, I really don’t need him ogling me right now. He lets out a little sigh and my God that is annoying. Is it that annoying when I sigh, because if it is I need to not do that anymore.
“You’re never really with me,” he says and my eyebrows furrow a little. That is so not true. Ok, so maybe I’m not the perfect girlfriend because I cheated on him and I’m in love with someone else. Plus I only agreed to date him to distract myself from Faith but it’s not like we never went on actual dates or spent time together at school because we did. “Even when we’re in the same room you’re miles away from me. I thought if I gave you time and didn’t push, you would maybe work out whatever’s been bothering you but I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.”
Ok, so everything he said is totally true. I can’t really be mad at him for telling the truth and he’s being honest about his feelings so that’s good. I look down at my bare feet because the look in his eyes was starting to burn me. He really did like me and I strung him along. What kind of a person does that? A horrible, awful person who doesn’t deserve a chance at being happy since I keep killing it for the people around me, that’s what kind.
“Scott, I’m sorry. I never meant for that to happen,” I tell him and look into his eyes. His gaze is still intense but I need to stop being such a coward. I need to face up to this since it’s all my fault. “Thing have just been so complicated lately and I never meant to push you away.” He nods his head a little bit and I feel a huge weight lift off my shoulders. He isn’t making a big scene, he isn’t demanding I tell him everything I’ve been keeping from him, and he isn’t calling me an awful person. He’s being really cool about this and I totally appreciate his lack of drama. Wow, we never really had anything between us, did we?
“So, I guess this is goodbye,” he says and he has a sad look on his face. Then his eyebrows quirk just a tad and the sadness fades away. “Well, goodbye until we see each other at school.” I can’t help the little smirk that tugs at my lips and he smiles back. I have no idea what to say now and the silence is starting to get to me. “I hope things get better for you soon. You’re a great girl, Buffy. You deserve to be happy.” I can’t believe he’s being this sweet to me after I treated him so badly.
“Thank you. You deserve it too. I hope you find someone who can give you what you need,” I say and take a step forward. I lean in close and place my hand on his chest. I give him a lingering kiss on the cheek and I feel him hold his breath. I almost wish I could still read minds because I’d love to know what he’s thinking right now at this very moment. I step back and he gives me a small smile before he turns and walks away. I let out a huge sigh and without any warning tears start cascading down my face.
These aren’t sad tears or even bruised ego tears. These are tears of relief. I don’t have to worry about keeping up appearances. I don’t have to pretend to like a guy with the personality of a wet cardboard box. I don’t have to feel guilty about how I’m just using him or worry about any of it anymore because it’s over and there was no major drama. I get to be guilt free about something for once. It feels…a little strange, actually. I hope my mind doesn’t come up with something to feel guilty about to compensate for the lack of guilt I’m feeling right now. That would suck.
I hear the door open and I turn around. I sigh a little when I see my mom standing there and as soon as she sees my face she looks worried. I’m glad it’s her coming out to check on me and not Faith. Even though I really want to curl up in her arms, tell her I love her and thank her properly for saving me, I know if she sees me like this it would only lead to things of the bad. I’m going to tell her that Scott showed up and I’m going to tell her what happened but if I’m crying when I do it I don’t think that would end well.
“Buffy, honey, what’s the matter? Who were you talking to?” she asks and wraps her arms around me in a big hug. I feel what I always feel when my mommy comforts me and it makes the tears fall harder and faster instead of stopping. Hello emotional breakdown, it’s been a while, how have you been? I really like your top, where did you get it?
“It was Scott, he said he needed to talk to me,” I tell her and I force out a little sob. I can’t be happy about the breakup in front of her or she’ll just ask me more questions that could lead to her finding out about Faith and me and again that would be of the bad. I’m pretty sure when my mom told Faith to make herself at home she wasn’t giving a green light to bed her only child. It’s best for everyone to keep this a secret for a little while longer. “He broke up with me.” I feel more than hear her let out a little sigh. I’ll pretend it wasn’t a sigh of relief.
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” she says and gently rubs my back. I can tell she’s worried but at the same time she doesn’t sound too broken up about it. I guess she really doesn’t like the thought of me dating. I hope she doesn’t take it too badly when I finally tell her Faith and I are in love. “Do you want to just go to bed? I can make you some hot chocolate.” Hmmm, should I milk this for all its worth to get free stuff plus offers of love and comfort? Nah, I think I’ll be stiff upper lippy about it.
“No, it’s fine,” I say and hug her back just as tightly as she’s hugging me. I have to make sure I don’t hurt her with my slayer strength. That would be really bad. “We weren’t really close. It’s just on top of everything else that’s happened I don’t know how much more I can take.” She squeezes me a little tighter and I know I was just trying to downplay Scott dumping me but what I said is also the truth. I honestly don’t know how much more of this drama, this crap, I can take.
“Ok, sweetie, but if you need anything, Buffy, anything at all just tell me, ok?” she asks and gives me a kiss on the temple. I have no idea why she’s acting like this. A couple of hours ago I was practically in a coma I was so overwhelmed by all of the voices inside my head, and now she’s coddling me because the boy I dated for a couple of weeks broke up with me. That just doesn’t make any sense. It must be a weird mom thing. Maybe I can ask Faith about it later. I’m sure she’ll be able to give me some insight.
“I think I just want to take a long, hot bubble bath and forget this day ever happened,” I say and my mom finally pulls back from the hug. She gives me another kiss on the temple before completely pulling away, and I can tell just by the look on her face that bubble bath isn’t going to be hypothetical for long. I didn’t mean for her to run it for me but if she wants to, who am I to stop her?
“Ok, sweetheart. You just go to your room and change into your robe and I’ll draw you a nice big bubble bath,” she says and walks back into the house before I can protest. I was going to let her do it anyway but it would have been polite to at least pretend to insist on doing it myself. I’m not going to dwell on it, though, because that would be stupid. So I do what she suggested. I go inside and change into my very comfy bathrobe and sit on my bed and wait for her to tell me my bath is ready.
I can’t believe this day. I honestly don’t think it’s been only one day. Now that I’m thinking about it I might have been in that weird coma over night because Mom and Giles and Faith were all dressed in different clothes. So it’s been a very emotional, very long two days. Faith and I almost fell apart but I made it right. God, I told her I want to be a family and have a baby with her. I can’t believe it. I know that it’s not impossible. Science is doing all kinds of things with turkey basters these days, but what if that’s not what Faith really wants? What if that’s not what I really want? All of this is just so confusing.
I hear a little knock on my door and I sigh in relief. Finally, I can’t believe how much I’m really looking forward to just soaking and relaxing. It feels like it’s been years since I’ve just calmed down and let my brain rest instead of worrying nonstop about everything. Well, ok, so it hasn’t been years. That night I shared with Faith took a lot off my mind for a while but I didn’t exactly wake up feeling rejuvenated. All of that relief goes away when Faith walks into the room and she doesn’t look happy to see me.
“Faith, what’s wrong?” I ask and stand up from the bed. I take a step towards her but she holds up her hand signaling me to stay away. Ok, this just can’t be good. She paces back and forth and I can tell by the look on her face she’s trying to think about what she says before she says it. Something must really be wrong if she’s thinking things through and not being impulsive.
“I’m trying really hard not to jump to conclusions but what I saw downstairs, B, it’s starting to dive me kinda crazy,” she says and stops pacing. I’m with her on the crazy part. I have no idea what she’s talking about or why she’s so upset. She needs to explain that and fast because I want to help her. She’s obviously upset about something and I just want to make it better.
“Faith, what are you talking about?” I ask and she lets out a tiny sigh. I can tell she’s trying to control her temper. She’s cracking her knuckles and her lips are in a tight line. Those are never good signs but at least she’s trying to stay calm. That’s something, right?
“I’m talking about you kissing Scott and crying over him after he left. You say you love me and I believe you and I love you too but if you love me as much as you say you do then why are you crying over that guy?” That’s what has her so riled up? It would be kind of sweet if it weren’t totally insane. I walk over to her and hold onto her hands and look into her eyes. I know it seems a little dramatic but I really need her to hear me.
“I gave him a kiss on the cheek, that was all. He broke up with me, that’s why he came here. He really liked me and I treated him horribly and that little kiss was my way of saying sorry. That’s all it was, Faith,” I tell her and I’m not sure if she believes me or not. She has so many emotions swirling in her eyes it’s hard to read them without getting them mixed up.
“Ok, I get that,” she says and squeezes my hands a little. Thank God, that had the potential of being a really big fight and I just don’t have the energy for that right now. Or ever, but you know what I mean. “But why were you crying over him? Do you love him? Do you wanna be with him?” Or maybe the fight is just beginning. I can’t believe we’re even talking about this. I almost drove myself insane wanting to be with her, showing her that I really mean it, and now she’s doubting me?
“I wasn’t crying over him, not really,” I tell her and I know just from the look on her face she doesn’t believe me. How am I supposed to convince her? And why can’t one small thing go my way for once? “Scott breaking up with me was a relief. Those tears were just my emotional stress catching up with me, but they were good tears. Now I don’t have to pretend to like him to save face. It’s just one less thing I have to worry about.” Her eyebrows furrow a little and her body gets really tense. Ok, now what the hell did I say?
“Wait, you weren’t going to break up with him?” she asks and her voice cracks a little. I guess seeing me with Scott gets to her more than I thought. I go to completely deny what she just said but she beats me to it. “You were just going to play along and stay with that tool? I thought you wanted to be with me, B, what happened to that?” She sounds like she’s getting really angry and I need to do something fast before things get out of control.
“I do want to be with you, Faith. I want it more than anything. Being with Scott was just a way to keep everyone else off my back.” Plus it was a way to make her jealous but I think I’ll leave that out since I want to come out of this conversation with Faith as my…whatever the hell she is. “I didn’t plan on being with him for long. Just until we’re ready to be a real couple and tell our friends about us.” By the look on her face I’m going to guess that also wasn’t a good thing to say.
“So you were just gonna string someone along until I work through my shit and I’m ready to be with you?” Ok when it’s put like that it sounds really bad. She’s trying, she really is, and I should be waiting for her. I am waiting for her but I guess it doesn’t look like that from an outsider’s perspective. She lets go of my hands and takes a step back. I want to stop her but I can’t. There’s just something about the look in her eyes that’s keeping me here and I feel almost paralyzed. “I gotta go check on Sam.” She leaves the room and I have no clue how I’m going to fix all of this. What I really want right now is to hide under my covers, bundle up into some big lie until all of this just blows over. Yeah, I’m totally fucked.
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Know Who I Am