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Both Sides Now	By : addielogan Category: BtVS AU/AR > Het - Male/Female Views: 6136 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Andrew hadn't
gone back to sleep after Cynthia had sent him out of the bedroom. He hadn't
really even tried. All he could do was dread the morning and the conversation
he knew was coming.
He didn't know how
he wanted it to go. There was a small part of the old romantic left in him that
said that if they called things off now, then he could simply go back to Dawn
and they could be together, but too much of him was cynical these days to think
that would work. How long could they last until things fell apart? Dawn
probably only still had feelings for him because he hadn't been around long
enough to make her sick of him�
When he was
completely honest with himself, Andrew wasn't sure how he truly felt about Cynthia.
He liked her�but did he love her? The past three years for him had all been
about living from moment to moment, and their relationship had been something
that had just happened. When they were planning to return to London, he'd
proposed to her almost on a whim. He'd felt like after everything he'd been
through, it would be good for him to settle down and try to find something
normal.
Cynthia had also
seemed like she'd be the person to do that with. They'd been through a lot
together, so wouldn't she be the person who should understand him the best?
Only she wasn't. Not at all. They'd survived the same experiences, and yet,
she'd come away from them with a completely different view than Andrew had.
He'd figured that out pretty quickly. No, the one person that seemed to
understand him was the same person it had always been�Dawn.
Could he just
break it off with Cynthia now? Was it that easy? Could he simply admit that
their engagement was a mistake and hinge everything on the chance that Dawn
might forgive him? And then what? Would he and Dawn
even work out?
He reached into
the pocket of his sleep pants and pulled out the silver key charm. He'd kept it
with him since Dawn had thrown it at him, unable to let it go. He could still
remember the night he'd given it to her so clearly, the memory one he was
unwilling to let dim. How could he? It had been the best night of his life.
Even the fact
that they were almost killed by vampires didn't manage to mar that.
In some ways,
Cynthia seemed to him to be reality while Dawn was the unattainable dream. He
knew that if he stayed with Cynthia, it would always be like he'd settled. He
winced to think of it that way, but he couldn't ignore the fact. It wasn't that
Cynthia didn't have a lot to offer�she did. But she fell short on one important
factor.
She wasn't Dawn.
Still, it was
more than the superficial for him there. Cynthia simply didn't make him feel
the way Dawn did, and he had a feeling that even if Dawn weren't as beautiful
as she was, that would still be the case.
So what did it
all mean? What should he do? Should he try to work things out with Cynthia in
hopes that they could work past this initial bump in the road? He did care
about her, and he had no doubt that she would make a good wife. They could be
happy together, and much of what he was feeling now could just something that
would pass once he got more acquainted to living life out of Hell again.
When he finally
heard the bedroom door open, Andrew quickly stuck the charm back in his pocket
and rose to his feet. Cynthia was trying to look stoic, but he could tell she
had been crying, and he felt like an ass. But he knew now that if he married
her, at least part of their marriage would always be a lie, and he couldn't
live with that.
He didn't draw it
out. Instead, he said what he needed to before he had a chance to change his
mind, to take the easy road out. "I'm still in love with Dawn."
Cynthia made a
small gasping sound, clearly not expecting that. "How�how can you say that
to me?"
"I'm
sorry," Andrew replied. And he was. He didn't like hurting her. It made
him feel dirty, like he'd used her, albeit unintentionally. "But I do. I
wish I could stop, but�"
"You told me
last night you aren't sleeping with her."
"I'm not.
I'm not with her. I don't know if I will be with her. It's not about me leaving you just to
be with her."
Cynthia paused at
that for a moment before she asked, barely above a whisper. "You're�you're
leaving me?"
Andrew swallowed.
God,
this was hard� "I think I should. This isn't going to work."
She started to
cry, and Andrew felt worse. Cynthia hated to cry in front of anyone, that much
he knew. She'd hold her emotions in as long as she could, and only let them out
in private. The fact that she couldn't do that now said a lot. "Why? Why
won't it work?" Cynthia asked through her tears. "You said it isn't
about her!"
"It's not
about being
with her," Andrew said. "It's about what I feel for her."
"That you
love her?"
Cynthia asked, her tone when she spoke the word "her" one of disgust.
"What about me, Andrew? Don't you love me?"
He didn't answer
her. He couldn't. And that was enough.
"Damn
you," Cynthia said, her voice quiet but harsh.
"I didn't
mean for things to be this way," he told her, not knowing what else to
say.
"Yeah, well,
a whole bloody lot of good that does now." She shook her head, trying to
get a reign on her emotions again. "God, just pack your things and get out
of here. I don't even want to look at you."
Andrew said
nothing in response. With his head hung down, he went to pack.

*** *** ***
Andrew
didn't have much to his name, so he'd managed to fit it all in one bag and pack
rather quickly. Cynthia was sitting on the couch when he left, not looking at
him, and he didn't say anything. He just walked out. He'd done enough damage
already anyway.
He went to his office, unsure of what to do next.
He knew he should go to Giles and request new housing, but he didn't feel like
admitting to anyone just yet that his engagement had already gone belly-up.
It made him feel like slime. He thought he would've
gotten used to that feeling by now.
He hadn't been lying when he told Cynthia that
breaking up with her wasn't about being with Dawn. It wasn't that simple. All
he and Dawn had had since he'd come back was a tentative friendship, and even
that was shot now. So what was he supposed to think? That he'd tell her he was
a free man, she'd leap into his arms, and they'd live happily ever after?
Hardly�
If anything in
his life had ever been that simple, he wouldn't be where he was now. No, his
life was a string of one catastrophic mistake after another, with nothing but
destruction and heartache left in his wake. If he went back to Dawn now, all
he'd do was hurt her even more.
So should he try
to start over again with Dawn? And if he didn't, did he even have a place there
anymore? Could he learn how to live here again?
Part of him wished he hadn't left London in
the first place. Another part wished he'd never come back.
Or maybe he needed to go back further than
that, maybe he should wish he could erase more. Wouldn't everything have been
simpler if he'd just left home years ago, back when Sunnydale had still been
something other than a dusty crater? Where would he be now if he'd never met
Warren Meers? If he'd not become completely enamored
with the man that led him down the path to destruction? Would he have a normal
life now? Would he be happy? Or had his childhood already left him too scarred
even by that point for him to ever find happiness?
Andrew often wondered why he was even still
alive, and this was one of these times. What use was he to the world? Did he
have a place, a purpose? There was nothing special about him. Sure, he could
summon demons, but that talent wasn't as rare as some people might think. And
what good was it anyway? It hadn't done much for Faustus�
He was pathetic at his worst, mediocre at
his best. He ruined everything he touched, mucked up his life and the lives of
everyone who fell into his path time and time again. Two people in the world
had ever been able to tell him that they loved him, and he'd broken both of
their hearts.
Andrew leaned
back in his chair, knowing he had a lot of thinking to do.

*** *** ***
Dawn hadn't been
able to sleep since her dream. Emma had gone home once Dawn had assured her
that whatever was going on with the Key, it wasn't happening right away, and if
anything, they should both get some actual rest.
She knew she
should be searching for who it was that was after her, but she felt mentally
and physically drained, and all she could seem to do was play the events of the
night before over and over again in her mind, remembering what it had felt like
to touch Andrew again.
His kiss had
electrified her even more than she'd remembered it doing before. It had set
every inch of her aflame, made her desperate to rekindle the passion they'd
once known together.
It all felt so
horribly unfair. She and Andrew had really had something, something that
could've been great. It should've lasted years, if not a lifetime�not only a
few stolen days. She felt cheated, and for what? There had been no real reason
to their break-up, nothing so serious between them that they should have been
driven apart.
She still didn't
know what it was about Andrew that made her feel the way she did, but if she'd
believed in the notion of soulmates, she would've said he was hers. Loving
Andrew had seemed bizarre in theory, but when she'd actually been with him it
had seemed so right. He could make her feel completely at peace with
just a smile, whole with just a touch.
Dawn wished she
could go back three years, take back what she'd said to Andrew in her bedroom
in Rome. She hadn't meant what she'd said, and she certainly hadn't meant to
drive him so far away. She'd spoken out of hurt and anger and said things she'd
known would wound him, especially with how unsure he'd been throughout their
relationship. He'd been so afraid that she couldn't love him, and then she'd
gone and made him feel like she didn't.
She'd tried to be
angry with Andrew since he'd come back, but she hadn't really been able to be,
not for long anyway. No matter how furious she got with him, it always seemed
to fade, and Dawn realized now that was because it wasn't him she was really
angry with. She was angry with herself. He'd left because she'd told him to.
Granted, she hadn't meant for him to go quite that far, but she had told him to
leave. After spending so much time assuring him that she did in fact love him,
she'd undone all of that in a moment. Andrew had been so unsure of both their
relationship and himself that it hadn't taken much to convince him that they
were over.
She should've
been more aware of that. She should've known how easily he'd fill with doubt,
how little it would take to convince Andrew that she'd finally started seeing
him the way he saw himself. He already thought he was worthless, and when Dawn
had told him she couldn't look at him�
Dawn swallowed, a
lump forming in her throat. Andrew had hurt her by leaving, but she'd hurt him
before that. She was the reason he'd left, which made all of this her fault.
The tears that
she'd thought she'd finally stopped sprung to her eyes again, and Dawn curled
up on her couch, clutching a pillow tightly to her chest as she cried.

*** *** ***
Dawn didn't
realize she'd cried herself to sleep until she woke up hours later, still on
her couch. He head felt stuffy, an aftereffect of all the tears, she was sure.
With a groan, she sat up and stretched, her back popping as she did, and she
winced. She hadn't fallen asleep in a comfortable position at all, and now her
body was making sure she knew that.
Her stomach
rumbled softly, and Dawn realized it had been quite a while since she'd eaten.
She got to her feet and started towards her kitchen, then came to an abrupt
stop when she saw an envelope on the floor beside her front door, as if someone
had slid it in under the crack. She walked over and picked it up, pulling out
the letter inside.
Dawn's heart
flipped when she saw Andrew's name at the bottom, and she read the letter
quickly, a coldness gripping her as she did.
Dawn�

I'm sure by now you know I still love you, but I just can't keep doing this. I
don't belong out here anymore. Anything between us would be doomed, especially
with how I've felt since I came back to England. I no longer know how to live
in this world, and I've decided it would be best for everyone if I went back
in. I've asked to be placed with a group of Watchers leaving this afternoon to
retrieve more lost texts, so this is good-bye. I'm sorry, Dawn, but this is the
way it has to be. It will be better for both of us in the end. Just know that I
will never forget you or what we shared.

��
�Andrew
Dawn gripped the letter
tightly in her trembling hands for a moment before she began to move, knowing
that she had no time to lose.

*** *** ***
- 29
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