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Blonde on Blonde	By : lucky021 Category: > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 4814 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 29
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A/N: This chapter ends most of Spike's struggles. But it doesn't end the story, so those who worry, don't. Thanks for all the reviews. I have finals this week, so I don't know how much I'll be updating, but I'm going to try. Hope everyone enjoys, and then review.

Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're tryin' to be so quiet?

We sit here stranded, though we're all doin' our best to deny it

And Louise holds a handful of rain, temptin' you to defy it

Lights flicker from the opposite loft

In this room the heat pipes just cough

The country music station plays soft

But there's nothing, really nothing to turn off

Just Louise and her lover so entwined

And these visions of Johanna that conquer my mind

-Bob Dylan, "Visions of Johanna"

"Buffy!"

Buffy shot up with a start, still slightly disoriented from sleep she was unsure of what she was hearing.

"Buffy, oh Jesus Christ! Help me!"

Now she knew. She'd locked Spike in his room earlier for fear of what he would do if left to his own devices. Now, as she pulled on her robe and ran to him, she worried that maybe it wasn't the best decision. What if there was a fire, what if someone broke in and tried to attack him, what if..

She shook her head and pulled out the key, unlocking his room and opening the door to have him fall on top of her. As soon as they hit the floor he was scrambling off of her and toward the stairs.

Buffy rolled quickly onto her hands and knees and dove after him.

"Spike!" She managed to catch his ankle and he looked back terrified. She could see his eyes were glazed over, and she realized it was another one of his fits, this time she had no idea what had him so frightened.

He pulled himself against the banister with his hands around his legs, rocking slowly. Buffy crawled toward him slowly and reached out a hand to touch his hair. He pushed himself against it and whimpered softly.

"Spike? What is it?"

He looked up at her, tears swimming in his eyes. "He's here."

It was so soft she wasn't sure what she had heard at first. He stared at something over her shoulder and she looked back, but only saw air. "Who's here?"

Spike shook his head and grabbed at his hair. "I can't, I can't..can't..." Suddenly he was checking his body over, lifting his shirt and running his fingers over scars. "I'm bleeding, Buffy!"

"Spike-"

"I'm bleeding, he's done it... I'm gonna die, he's gonna kill me!"

She reached out for him again and he threw himself at her, wrapping his arms and legs around her. "Please help me, you have to help me, Buffy, please!"

"Shhh, Spike, just calm down... Shh, come out of this. Angel's not here, come back to me."

Spike shook his head violently, but didn't let go.

"I saw him.. he was here, all over again." She could feel his whole body begin to shudder, and he'd been in a cold sweat, her thin robe was soaking through. "Can't you feel it, Buffy? I'm bleeding all over you!"

She pulled back from him and cupped his face in her hands. "Spike, look at me." She tried to catch his eyes and finally managed to. "You're in Woodstock, and Angel isn't here, it's just you and me. You had a dream, and you're not bleeding, it's the withdrawals, baby, just a cold sweat."

She watched his eyes slowly regain focus and when he finally came back to reality his face crumpled and tears escaped his tightly shut eyes.

Buffy pulled him back to her as his sobs increased in volume. "Shh, it's ok, you'll be ok."

As his body shook against hers, and his sobs became the only thing she could hear, she doubted the truth of her words.

***

Spike remained shaking in her arms for almost an hours before he began to drift off and he allowed Buffy to help him back into bed. He begged her to stay with him, but she couldn't, not after what had happened before. She settled for curling up in the chair next to his bed and holding his hand.

She woke up a few hours later, luckily Spike was still asleep. She tucked his arm back into bed with him and walked quietly downstairs to use the phone.

"Fred? Yeah, this is Buffy... Oh.. it's been hard, yes... Listen, could you do me a favor?"

Buffy sighed and rubbed her forehead.

"I know you've probably got a bunch of patients, but I can't do this alone anymore... yeah... he's been having these delusions... yeah, the past... are you sure? God, thanks so much... you don't know what this means to us... yeah, ok, bye."

Buffy let out a breath and put the phone down before burying her face in her hands. It was getting to be too much. She thought she would be able to handle it, but she never imagined it would get this bad.

He was practically going insane, and she could see why Giles put him on methadone rather than watch him suffer. She needed Fred to be there, because if she wasn't, pretty soon she might give in to Spike's demands.

She figured she better get back up to him, there was no way to know when he might next wake up. She made her way upstairs and heard him in the bathroom. He was dry heaving again, and she realized that he hadn't eaten for a day.

"Spike?"

He looked up for a moment and nodded before leaning back over the toilet. She grabbed him some pills and handed them to him, helping him hold the glass steady.

"We have to get something into your stomach."

He nodded weakly and leaned on her as she helped him back into his bedroom.

"I'll be right back."

She took the soup from the day before and dumped it before grabbing some more out of the fridge and heating it up. She climbed back up the stairs with more water, soup and crackers. She doubted he could keep down more than the soup and water, but she could hope.

He struggled to sit when she came in the room, and began shakily raising the spoon to his lips while avoiding her eyes.

"How are feeling?"

He swallowed and shrugged.

"I think you should try and rest some more after you eat this."

He nodded but kept his eyes down.

"Fred's going to come over, do you want to talk to her?"

He shook his head with a bit more vehemence than before.

"You don't have to, she's just going to help me, make sure you're getting what you need."

He nodded again, and this time she was sure she saw his chin begin to quiver.

"Do you want me to leave?"

Finally he looked up and met her eyes.

"No."

She swallowed, trying to ignore the pain that flared up at the pitiful sound of his voice. Everything he must have been feeling was channeled through that single syllable, and she knew why he was refusing to speak.

He finished his soup and pushed it back onto the tray weakly before laying back down. Buffy grabbed the tray and moved it to the table next to his bed before moving to sit next to him.

"This can't last forever."

The look in his eyes begged to differ.

She bent down and kissed his forehead, his eyes fluttered closed as she stroked his hair. "Just hold on for me, Spike, I'm holding on for you."

She smiled and released a sigh of relief when she realized he'd fallen asleep.

***

Buffy remained sitting with Spike until she saw Fred's car pull up. She gave him one last kiss on the brow before closing his door and making her way downstairs.

She opened the door and Fred smiled meekly before walking through. "You must be Buffy."

Buffy smiled and took the hand Fred offered. "Thank you so much for this."

Fred waved off the thanks and set her bag down on the table near the door. "It's the least I can do. Spike's come to mean a lot to me since he's been here, and Rupert's helped me in ways I can never repay."

Buffy looked down and tried to smile but everything seemed to hit her at that moment.

"Buffy? Are you ok?"

Fred stepped closer and reached out to touch her shoulder as Buffy finally broke down. Fred pulled her into her arms and rubbed her back in an attempt at comfort.

"I just don't know what to do anymore..."

Fred nodded. "I know," she soothed. "I know what it can feel like to watch someone you love go through something that seems to be killing t It It's nearly impossible."

It felt good to let it out. She couldn't do this in front of Spike, he needed her to be strong. Fred was more to help her than anything. "I'm so glad you're here, he just seems to get worse, and there's nothing I can do. Half of the time he's not even here, he's off reliving some past horror, and other times he's... I don't know, but he's not him."

Fred led her to the couch and sat them both down. "He's done something to scare you then?"

Buffy nodded but didn't meet her eyes.

"It's not your fault, Buffy, there's no way to avoid it. He's delusional, and all he knows is that he wants to pain to stop. It's not his fault either. It will end though, he's through most of it. This is the worst of it, and it won't go on much longer."

"How much longer is not much longer?"

"A week at the most. After that, the hallucinations will stop and he'll be in less pain. You said he's throwing up?" Buffy nodded. "That should stop in a week as well. He'll be weak, and he'll need you around, but he'll be him again."

Buffy sat up straight and wiped her eyes self-consciously. "I'm sorry about that."

"Buffy, don't apologize. It's ok."

"I should go check on him. He was asleep last I checked, but you never know when he'll wake up." She moved to get up, but Fred touched her arm.

"If you ever need to talk..."

"I know, and thanks."

***

That night, Fred and Buffy had dinner downstairs while Spike slept. They didn't talk much, but it felt good to have Fred around, she was a calming presence in the house, and she allowed Buffy to get some rest without worrying about missing something.

They decided to take turns with shifts sitting with Spike. Fred stayed with him during the day, as he mostly slept and didn't seem to mind her presence then. His outbursts were less likely, and Buffy imagined he didn't want Fred to see him like that.

Buffy stayed with him at night. When he wasn't stuck inside his nightmare, he tossed and turned, his pain worst at night. In moments of clarity they could whisper softly to each other.

Making plans for the future seemed to make him happier. Buffy knew he might not remember most of what they talked about, but it was a help to her as well. She had to be assured that there was a future.

Tonight, though, he was unable to get through the pain. He hadn't slept all day. By the time she came to be with him for the night, tears of frustration were rolling down his cheeks.

She reached for his hand and he held on tightly.

"I can't do this anymore, Buffy... please god.. please help me..."

"Shh... it's going to be ok, just wait, baby, just try to rest." She laid a kiss on his brow and brushed his hair back from his forehead. "I'm here. We'll get through this."

He grasped her hand more tightly to him. "I don't want to hurt anymore."

"I know."

"You don't fucking know what this is like, I just want it to end."

"Shh.."

"No, my eyes are finally clear, I get it, I don't want to be here anymore."

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut and grabbed the pills she and Fred had debated continuing to give Spike. They didn't want to make him dependent on the sleeping pills, but at this point, he was in too much pain to stay conscious.

"Take these."

He swallowed them and grabbed her hands, pulling her close to him.

"Give me more."

"Spike-"

"No, Buffy, look at me, look in my eyes. This is me, Spike, the man that loves you. Give me that bottle and go to your room."

Buffy's heart felt as if it had stopped beating for a moment. "Spike, please don't ask me that."

"I know, baby, I'm sorry, but I never said I was strong enough for this."

"Stop, just fucking stop"
- 29
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- 31
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