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You've Got Spike	By : mshelly Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Threesomes/Moresomes Views: 3235 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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“Lick her harder! I want your tongue *inside * of her!” SMACK! “Go deeper!”

Okay. Xander was positive that he was *never* going to get used to what he heard coming out of the SPIKE room, as he had dubbed it in his mind, but he wished like hell that he could make the vampire remember to keep the door *shut* so he wouldn’t have to hear it so often. Or at least not the very first thing he heard when he came home from work. ‘Cause try, and he *did* try, Xander couldn’t stay out or away from the Spike room. It was the first place he ventured after work. That, or the shower, depending on how sweaty a day work had been.

It had only been a month, but it seemed to Xander that he hadn’t come or gone in for*ever* without hearing the vampire coming, making someone else come or demanding that he and someone else come together. And Xander never got to come. Not that he would. Or had tried. Or had tried and been too nervous to come, fearing the vampire had some sneaky vampire way of knowing that he had come while listening outside of the door. Nope. Xander waited for Anya. And then made sure he thought *only* of Anya while coming. Besides, Xander was well aware of what a big faker the vampire was. He’d taken to thinking of Spike as the Academy Award Winner For Best Faked Fuck. He so richly deserved it. He’d barged in too many times, just for fun’s sake, during some of Spike’s more loud performances, only to observe the vampire reading or watching TV while he spouted some of the hottest sex talk Xander had ever heard. The big faker.

Xander dumped his tools, went to the kitchen, grabbed two beers, opened them and headed to the Spike room, as was his new habit.

Spike gave him a welcoming smile, and *that * still freaked him, and held out his hand for the beer, which Xander gave him while he leaned against the corner of the desk that held Spike’s notes and other phone sex. . . whatnots.

“Yeah, you’re deep in her aren’t you? Sucking up all that tasty pussy juice. That’s good. Keep at it. Spike has something for you, boy. You little slut, you.” Spike took a pull on the open beer Xander gave him and offered a grateful smile. “I’m gonna fuck you, Mike. I’m gonna fuck you with my big fat cock, and you’re gonna lick cunt and love it.”

Xander was only slightly turned on. But he was used to it. Hot sex talk was bound to make you just a little hot, yes? Sure it was.

Spike winked at Xander and motioned him to sit down.

“Pull ‘em apart!” Spike barked. “Open ‘em up nice and wide. I want to just slide in you. . .Yeah. . .just like this. Back up.” Spike paused and pulled out a deck of cards that he held out to Xander. Xander nodded. “Yeah, baby. . . you know how to get fucked.” Spike dealt out a seven-card hand of Rummy. “But don’t forget about my girl. I want your tongue working that hot clit of hers.” Spike finished the deal and waited for Xander’s discard. “Fuck back on it. Fuck it hard. Yeah, we know you love it. Keep at it. Lick her. You can’t come yet. We haven’t given you permission to come yet.” Spike drew and discarded. “Did I say you could stop licking her? I did not! Lick that pussy! Fuck my cock!” And it’s Xander’s turn. He draws and discards. “You want to come?” Spike picked up Xander’s discard and placed down a spread of Aces, kings, and a 4 to 8 spread of diamonds before discarding a two. “Not yet, boy…you don’t get to come yet. Not just yet. You’re busy licking cunt and fucking hard Spike meat.” Xander ignores the two he needs and draws from the pile. He discards a king. “I’m gonna pull out of your sorry ass now.” Spike picks up the king and places it on his book pile with an evil look Xander’s way. “Tha’s right, no more hard, hot Spike meat in your ass, working you like the man-pussy you are. Turn around and suck me…Spank him, Patty, he’s been a bad boy. Smack his ass while he sucks me until I come all over his face.” Xander draws, and places down a spread of eights, hits Spike’s aces and discards a jack. “Suck me, boy. Deeper. Lick my balls.” Spike picks up the jack and drops it on his ten…”That’s good…suck and lick…you’re a talented boy aren’t you? Smack that ass Patty…harder…” Spike pulls, grins. Lays out a final spread and sticks his tongue out at Xander while making a final discard. “Yes! More! Jack off, boy. . . come…you can shoot now…that’s it…fuck your fist. . . yeah…nice. . . jack off while I come all over your face. Augh! All…over. . .your. . .face. . . yes! Lick it. Lick me clean. Turn around and kiss Patty's pretty little toes. . . She likes that…lick them…now, way.way. Yes. You may call us later.” Spike gathers up the cards and stacks them before handing them to Xander. . . ”Your deal.” Spike reaches over and hits the speaker button on the phone.

“What was that, Patty? 70 minutes? A new record, with him, eh?”

“At least. But I hate that guy Spike! Don’t you miss Melvin? I do. Melvin and all his toys? So much more fun. This guy takes for*ever* to come!”

Spike chuckled. “Bite your tongue, Patty! The longer to come the more money for us! And anyway, he’ll be back as Melvin in a day or two. You know he can’t stray from Melvin for more long.”

“Let’s hope so. Melvin is so much less complicated than this one.”

“I’m guessin’, just *guessing* you guys understand, that Melvin and the guy you just got off are the, uh, same guy?

“Is that Xander, Spike? You didn’t tell me Xander was home! Hi Xander!”

“Hi Patty. How are the kids?”

“Great! I had parent/teacher conference yesterday and they had only wonderful things to say about my two babies! And they want to put Gweneth in an advanced math class.”

“Now, see that? I told you she was just bored! Won’t be long before she gets enough smarts to change that god awful name you saddled her with, goes off to college, graduates at the head of her class, becomes the head of her own multi-billion dollar company, sticks you in an old folks home and runs away with her ole Uncle Spike.”

“Xander?”

“Yeah, Patty?”

“Smack him for me, will you?”

“Be happy too.”

Spike deadpanned: “Ouch. Ugh. The pain, oh, the pain. Stop, Xander, please, stop.”

“Xander?”

“Yeah?”

“You hit him yet?”

“Nope. But he’s sneaky. I’ll have to get. . .“

SMACK.

“. . .Him when he’s not looking.”

“Hey! Little, shit!”

“He’s got Patty. Go get some rest.”

“You two are just so damn cute! Talk to you later. Night, night!”

“Why the fuck did you hit me, Xander?” Spike demanded with a glare.

“You know I can’t deny Patty anything.”

Spike kept up the glare, a grin flirting with the corners of his mouth. “Go shower, Xander. You stink worse’n the dead.” Spike scooped up the cards and shuffled. “And you can’t play cards for shit.”

Xander rose, stretched and smiled. “This is why it’s so sweet coming home to you. I can’t imagine Mrs. Cleaver being so sweet.”

“Shower, stinkboy.”

“And Mrs. Cleaver, never’d be so poetic.”

“My eyes are watering with the stench of you, and I don’t even have to breath. *And* I'm dead.”

“Another hand? Till Ahn gets here?”

“Yeah. *After* you shower. Anyway, she called and said she'd be late, 'cause she’s bringing home blood and a bucket of chicken. ” Spike grinned. “You’ll have to marry that girl soon. Someone’s liable to snatch ‘er away from you soon. Not often you can find such a sweet ex-demon that can play every card game I’ve ever heard of, sometimes beat me at them *and* bring home the blood.” Spike snickered. "And the chicken."

Xander ignored the marry comment. “You two cheat at the card games. I *know* you do. It’s shameful.”

BUZZ. Line 666.

“You got Spike, you lucky fuck, you.”

And so it went. And so Xander got used to it. And it was only a month and a half later that he got worried. He was way too happy. Way too content. He was sure Xanderland was not supposed to run so smoothly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SMACK!

Ah…there’s nothing like coming home to the sounds of flesh hitting flesh.

SMACK. SMACK. SMACK!!

Xander pauses, waiting for it.

“That’s right you bad little boy. Spike wants that ass nice and pink so he can fuck it good and hard.”

Yep. There it is. His little vampire-phone-sex-operator-roommate hard at work. He still wished to God Spike would remember to close the damn door. And his wishes still mattered not.

Xander put away his tools, hung up his jacket and grabbed a beer. Thought about it and grabbed another. He might as well check in.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Spike was beating meat. Oh, Spike wasn’t beating *his * meat. Nope, nothing so normal as that. Spike was steadily smacking away on a *piece* of meat. A roast of some type, Xander guessed from the big raw look of it. Spike grinned, waved him in, gave some more direction to his caller, smacked the roast again and held out his hand for the beer, which he took with a wink. Spike pantomimed that he wanted to talk to Xander after the call. The call that he was sure would be over in ten or fifteen minutes.

And Xander, of course, understood all the hand motions and eye-rolls. Yep. He and his vampire roommate and be exe excellent with the non-verbal communication. Xander nodded to Spike and let him know he’d be back. That he wanted to make a call. Xander walked out, shutting the door firmly behind him, but not quick enough to avoid hearing. “You *are* a nasty boy, aren’t you? All lubed up and open for Spike’s cock. . .”

Sshyeah.

Xander headed back to the kitchen, picked up the phone and punched in some numbers. He played idly with the vase of flowers on the counter. Flowers? Now, who had brought in the flowers? His evil-soulless-vampire-roommate, or his why-should-we-waste-money-on-things-that-will-die-in-a-week-ex-demon girlfriend. Boggles the mind. Xander’s mind had been boggling way too much lately. He was starting to get headaches.

“G-man! It’s Xander.”

“Yes, of course. But thank you for clarifying, Xander, I’d thought, perhaps, it was dear uncle Murray. He, too, calls me G-man.”

Xander didn’t let that boggle him. You know that vampire I have living with me?”

Pause.

“Spi-“

Sigh. “Yes, Spike, of course. What about him?”

Xander bent and sniffed at a pretty red bloom. “I think he’s broken.”

Pause.

“Bro-“

“Broken, yes, I understood what you said. How do you mean?”

“He’s been way weird. Really weird.”

“How so, Xander? Explain, please.”

“Oh. The smiling. And winking. And card playing and friend making and. . .he’s been snatched and replaced somehow or he’s sick. Broken. He hasn’t tried anything sneaky or bad or. . .”

“You’re saying you’d prefer that the vampire that *you* invited to live with you, do what? Try and kill you? Burn the place down? Steal your woman.”

“Hey! Don’t try and make *me* sound like the nut, here!” Steal my woman? Huh. Hadn’t thought of that one. My woman steal my vampire? Maybe.

“Yes, well. . .”

“Okay, fine. Never mind.”

“Xander, really. Can’t we talk about this tomorrow?”

Tomorrow? “Tomorrow? I guess. I don’t know why we have. . .”

“Excellent. It’s seven, correct?”

Xander, boggling, glanced at his watch. “No, it’s 5:45.”

Sigh. “I meant dinner, tomorrow. It’s at seven.”

Boggle, boggle, boggle. “Huh?”

Pause.

“I said, huh?”

“Your dinner party. Tomorrow. It’s at seven.”

Pause.

Clearing of throat. “Well, yes. Xander, perhaps you should speak with Spike and Anya, yes? And I'm sure Spike’s fine, Xander. Perhaps it’s just that he’s grown used to the chip and has decided to well, live with it. Don’t pester him.”

BOGGLE, BOGGLE, BOGGLE. AND BOGGLE. Don’t pester the vampire says the watcher to the poor mix-ed up Xander. Xander rubbed his temples.

“I’ll see you at 7. I’m bringing the wine.” Pause and Xander can almost *see* the very snarky unGiles like grin spreading across Giles’ face. “Red wine, Spike specified. Although Anya, assured me, I could bring as many bottles as I pleased, in as many colors as I like, as long as I left them and didn’t drink them all.”

Pause.

“Xander.”

“*Giles*.” Xander left out the ‘if that is *indeed * who you are,’ that he was thinking.

“I’m hanging up now. Talk to your,” Pause. “Talk to Anya and Spike.” Click.

Well. Very much no help there.

Xander bent, opened up a cabinet, pulled out a large brown paper grocery bag and set it on the counter. Opened up a drawer, pulled out scissors and began cutting the bag until he had a large piece of paper to work with. He tossed the scraps, began humming, opened the refrigerator, pulled out some condiments and got to work.

He splashed on a large dollop of ketchup, added a little squirt of mustard, some mayo…a little relish. Oo! Went all out and added some wet, used coffee grounds from the coffee maker. Drummed his fingers against the counter, still not satisfied. Spied the flowers. Picked up the vase and rattled it over the paper so that the loose petals fell, landing in the mess. Gave a satisfied nod, folded it in half and flattened. Firmly. Whistled while he sponged up the excess that spilled over, tossed the sponge in the sink, heard Spike’s and Anya’s voices yelling at him in his head and rinsed the sponge out, squeezed it out and placed it to dry. He was just opening his work when Anya came in. She placed a bag on the counter, kissed him and demanded to know what he was doing.

“Just making up a little test.” He pointed to his creation. “What do you see?”

Anya looked down. Reached up and felt Xander’s forehead. “Are you feeling unwell Xander?”

“I feel fine.”

“Okay. Then why did you do that?”

“Just tell me what you see.”

“A huge mess. A waste of perfectly good,” She peered closer. “What is that? Is that mayonnaise? You know, I only let you buy the good mayonnaise, Xander, and it's not cheap. Nor is it finger-paints. I’m angry, Xander.”

All good here. Xander was pleased. “Just look at it and tell me what you see.” He held out his hand, stopping her. “What kind of picture do you see? You know? Like, is it a boat, or a plane, or a butterfly. . .tell me *that* kind of what you see.”

Anya kicked him in the shin. “Oh. Like a Rorschach test?”

“Um, yeah. Okay. Whatever. What do you see?”

“Well.” Anya placed her elbows on the counter, rested her chin on her fists and gazed down. “Butterfly, maybe, sure. That’d be the easy answer. An ugly one. But, look. It’s like some man’s mid section that’s been gutted like a fish and skinned like a rabbit.” She looked up, grinning. “Innards spilling out, oh! And the coffee grounds? That could very well be fecal matter.”

Pleased, Xander reached for her and folded her into a hug before kissing her soundly. “Good answer.”

Anya clapped her hands. “Yay, me! What do I win? Or did I win the kiss? The kiss is good, I guess, but prizes of cash and jewels would be better.”

Xander kissed her again, reached into his pocket and pulled out some of his loose change. “Cash.”

“Not much of a prize, Xander.” She pouted, pocketing the coins.

Xander carefully picked up his masterpiece and headed to the Spike-room. Anya followed.

“Oh! Is it Spike’s turn, now?”

“Yep.”

“He doesn’t get a kiss does he?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, then.”

Xander gave a sharp rap on the door. “Come on in.”

“It’s just Xander and Anya, Pat.” Spike hit a button on the phone and Patty’s perky little girl voice rang out. “Hi guys!”

“Hi, patty! Have you gutted your boyfriend like a fish and skinned him like a rabbit, yet?”

“Um, no. But I did make him move out.”

“Oh,” She was slightly disappointed. “That’s good, too.” Anya caught the look Xander gave her. “And, better. Legal and moral. Yes. That was the right thing to do. The gutting and skinning would have been warranted but bad.”

“Hey, Patty. Mind if we take Spike away for a second?”

Patty giggled. “Okay. But we got another call in five.”

“Plenty of time.”

Spike clicked her off and took off his headset. “So? Something up with the dinner?”

Anya looked at him. “Why? What could be up with it? You’re cooking it, right?”

“Okay, never mind the dinner you neglected to mention to me.” Xander told them.

“He said he’d tell you.”

“She said she’d tell you.”

“I said, forget it. Spike, look at this and tell me what you see.”

Spike looked. Quirked his scarred brow and looked some more. “I see a mess. Look’s like one of Patty’s little nipper’s got into the fridge and had a right good time of it.” He sniffed. “The garbage, too.”

“That’s what I said too, but it’s wrong. He wants to know what you *see*. Like, a plane, or a-“

“What? Like a Rorschach test?”

Anya clapped. “Yes, like that!”

“Is he okay? Not feelin’ ill are you, Xander?”

“What do you see?”

“Um, lets see. Perhaps a kitten.”

ACK!

“That’s been hit by a car and sorta smooshed. Pushing all the innards out.”

Okay. And all’s well in Xanderland.

“Thanks. That’ll do. We’ll leave you to your whoring.”

Anya reached into her pocket and placed some on Xander’s change on Spike’s desk. She winked at him and followed Xander out. Xander let Anya pass before shutting he door. But not fast enough to miss hearing Spike murmur, “And look, the critter’s landed in a lovely field of flowers.”

ACK!

Wanting to change the subject and his mind set, Xander headed back into the kitchen. “What’s in the bag, Ayn?”

Anya went to the couch and picked up the remote, turning on the television. “Oh, that’s a surprise. A present.”

Goody. Xander reached into the bag and pulled out. . .the biggest, ugliest, scariest dildo, no wait, *vibrator* ‘cause the thing had a *cord*, he’d ever had the misfortune to see and the good fortune to never have imagined. He began to sweat. He rushed into the living room, mega phallas in his hand, it’s cord swaying. “*What* do you want this for?”

Anya glanced briefly away from the television to look at him, tucking her feet beneath her on the couch. “It’s for Spike.”

Pause.

“Okay, not the really scary answer I was afraid of, and yet, strangely, not at all soothing to me.”

“It’s for Spike. For noise. The man in the sex shop said it was really, really loud.”

Xander looked at the massive fake dong. “Yes. Loud.”

Anya smiled. “Yes, loud. Remember, you took your drill away from Spike?”

Oh, good hell. How could he forget? He’d walked by the *open* door of the Spike room to catch “Oh, Spike’s got something for your ass. Something nice and big. Ready for it?” Followed by a familiar sound. He’d, against his better judgment, peaked in only to find Spike watching TV and revving *Xander's* drill close to the mouthpiece of his headset. Spike had grinned and waved. Xander had gone back to bed, curled up against Anya, dreamed of Spike with a drill-like penis, complete with interchangeable heads, woke up, jerked off in the shower, careful NOT to think of Spike, went into the Spike-room, taken his drill, cleaned and oiled it, took it to work with him and *left * it there. With much Spike pouting to follow. And Patty phone-pouting at him. And Anya joining in with them once the big, pouting, babies had told on him.

“You’re sweet, Ahn.”

Anya nodded. “Yes.” She patted the space next to her. “Sit with me and watch TV. We’ll let Spike feed us. He’ ll grumble at me for being a worthless woman, you for being a wet behind the ears whelp, both of us for being helpless and then he’ll feed us.” She smiled and kissed his cheek. “And then he’ll cook and we’ll eat something that neither of us had to cook.”

Oh, yes. Xanderland was the place to be.

Xander relaxed into it. He placed an arm around her and moved closer. “So, Ahn. While at the sex shop shopping for loud sex toys to replace my, note the emphasis on the *my*, drill did ya, maybe, pick something up for us?”

“We can’t use the Big Boy Ass Master?”

Xander tensed, his earlier fear coming back with a vengeance. “No. No we can’t. And that’s a definite no. Not a negotiable one.”

Anya didn’t look at him. “I was only kidding. Making a joke, Xander.”

“It wasn’t a funny one.”

“Yes. Yes, it was. You should have seen your face when you came out of the kitchen with the Big Boy Ass Master in your hand. It was very funny, Xander.”

“Grrr.”

“I did waste some of my hard earned money on some very useless undergarments. I’ll never wear them outside of our bedroom. Pity. I do look quite good in them. Like a sex kitten you’d see in one of those for adults only magazines you still purchase and try to hide from me. Oh, and! Go get my purse! Quick!”

Xander jumped to do her bidding. He handed her the purse with a look of anticipation usually reserved for children about to get candy or allowance.

Anya took the purse and reached inside with a grin. “I got us all chocolate cock-suckers!” She pulled out three plastic wrapped cock and balls made of, yes, chocolate, on a stick. “Aren’t they cute?”

Xander stared, and then jumped when Spike murmured. “Very cute, pet. But have you two eaten?”

Anya frowned. “No. Not yet. I thought maybe we’d call for pizza or Chinese.” She injected her best “worthless woman” into it.

Spike humphed and shook his head. “You two. Disgraceful. Why do you make him shop for food, if the neither of you will cook? Bloody useless as a woman, you are, should be back to turning men’s insides out, you should. And him? How old now and can’t boil a pot of pasta? Make a sauce? It’s so hard?” Spike grumbled on his way to the kitchen.

Anya gave Xander a wink, patted the space next to her again, and leaned into him once he sat down. Xander reached for a cock-sucker only to have his hand slapped. “For after dinner.” She scolded. “I suspect Spike is going to cook us pasta.”

Boggle and boggle. Only it was less disturbing. How to check that *he* hadn’t been replaced? “So. What are you two cooking up for our little dinner party no one told me about?”

“Spike was going to mention that. Shame on him. I’m just going to get salad fixin’s. I’m not to cook.” Anya smiled at him. “I don’t think he trusts my cooking. Anyway, don’t worry about it. Just come home from work on time and shower. Then look pretty.” Anya changed the channel. “Oh, and smile and don’t talk a lot unless you think about what you’re going to say first. Oh, look, the Brady Bunch. At least, those were my instructions. I don’t imagine yours will be much different.”

Yep. Xanderland. The place to be.

tbc.
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You've Got Spike