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Memory Failure	By : angelinasway Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Het - Male/Female > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 4713 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is for entertainment purposes only, not for profit.

Chapter List
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- 4
Author's Notes:
I am so very sorry for the incredibly long wait on this chapter. The truth is I have been busy writing a little in the BTVS crossover universe and have gotten sidetracked. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Special thanks to Spikelissa for her beta job!

Chapter 3

They had been driving about two hours, and Buffy had been uncharacteristically quiet. Not that Spike really blamed her; he was just at a bit of a loss. He couldn’t believe what a self-righteous git Angel was. That bloody bastard had actually had everything he had claimed to want at his finger tips. Spike couldn’t help agreeing with Buffy on this one. Angel had never been in love with her, only in love with the idea of finding redemption in her. His claims of love had been nothing but folly and Spike couldn’t help seething at the thought.

It was too much like his story. He knew now Dru had never loved him. It was the same for Angel and Buffy as it had been for himself and Drusilla. She had wanted a companion and when he didn’t live up to her expectations, she had crawled back to her precious daddy. When Angelus had gotten his soul the first time she had come back to Spike and for awhile it seemed as if she was really happy with him, especially after he had killed his first Slayer. He found out about her infidelities about five years after that, yet still he stayed, wanting to believe it was just the type of vampire she was.

It wasn’t until he came to Sunnyhell that he realized it wasn’t who she was, but rather she was in love with Angelus. She had only stayed with him all these years out of some sort of forced obligation, because he had been kind enough to take care of her all the years before. Once she realized she didn’t need him for that, she had kicked him to the curb.

He could still remember her snickers as Angelus had poked fun at him out of nothing more than his twisted amusement. He had watched helplessly as Angelus fucked Drusilla into oblivion, the look on her face doing more than telling Spike exactly where he stood. He had hated Buffy then, blaming her for Drusilla’s revelation. Only now he knew it wasn’t her fault, not really.

She was going through her own heartbreak at the time, and she had been just as helpless as he was to stop her heart’s desire. She had forgiven Angel after all, just like Spike had done with Dru. He realized in that moment how alike he and Buffy both were.

They both wore their hearts on their sleeves; they both were love’s bitch, letting their heart make bloody stupid god-awful decisions. He also realized they were of equal strength, and he couldn’t deny they both had the same type of sharp wit, unless of course you caught either of them off guard. He grinned to himself at the realization. This trip could turn out to be better than he thought; if he could just get Buffy to come to the same conclusion.

Before they left Buffy had written Giles a letter telling him she needed to get away from Sunnydale. She told him some really bad stuff had happened in L.A with Angel, and she just needed to clear her mind for a day or two, without the added burden of her nightly slaying. She had also made it sound as if she had been the one to decide to get away, and that she had made Spike come with her, so she could keep an eye on him.

She didn’t know why she had lied for the bleached pest, or why she felt it was necessary to do so, besides the obvious reasons of course. This excursion had been Spike’s idea after all, but she couldn’t bring herself to let her Watcher in on that. Giles would probably tell her it was some sort of trap, but Buffy knew differently. Spike had been completely sincere in his request, and she was just thankful he was there to make it.

She really didn’t want to see anyone’s ‘I told you so looks’ when all this eventually came out. The unfortunate thing was she knew her friends and Giles well enough to know they would not stop badgering her until she revealed what was wrong. This was actually an excellent idea because now she could prepare herself for the ultimate lecture as well as the pitiful looks before she had to explain herself.

The silence almost became too much for him. His thoughts were going down roads he never thought he’d let his conscious mind go. He had to clear it or at least distract it. Spike reached in the back seat for his CD case. He unzipped the case and pulled out a Ramones CD then stuck it in the player. Doing all this as he used his knee to drive. He watched the road through a pair of wrap around black sunglasses and the small hole in the windshield. Spike didn’t crank up the volume rather just let the album play as background noise. He didn’t want to do anything to piss the Slayer off especially after his little realization.

He suddenly felt a pair of eyes on him and looked at Buffy. She was studying him intently. She had a strange look on her face as she watched him. Then out of nowhere she blurted out a question he thought he would never be asked, especially by her.

She watched him curiously, wondering why she was just noticing how different he was from Angel… or Angelus, for that matter. He was a constant ball of energy, always moving something, never really sitting still for more than a few seconds. She was mesmerized by him, how was it that two Master Vampires of the same family turned out to be so completely different?

When she thought about it, she couldn’t help wondering what he had been like before he was turned. Angel had never really told her much about his human past, but she did know he had killed his parents in cold blood. She wondered if Spike had done the same.

Before she could stop herself she blurted out the question that was on her mind, “What were you like before you were turned?”

Spike’s eyes widened under his shades, and he almost choked. “Why do you want to know?”

Buffy was silent for a while before saying, “It’s just… well I guess… I’m just coming to realize how different you are from Angelus… and… and I just thought maybe it was because of who you were when you were human.”

He stared at Buffy in shock. He wasn’t sure whether to take offence to her statement or not. He hoped because she had said Angelus and not Angel she was paying him a compliment, but he could never be sure with her. So his next question was asked with caution. “Define different, luv?”

Buffy swallowed and began to pull at an imaginary thread on her shirt. “Well,” Buffy said quietly, “It’s… You’re nice when you want to be… and… well, you’ve never tried to play games like he did.”

She gained confidence as she met his shaded eyes, remembering some of their fights and how Spike never really targeted the people she loved. He had never tried to break her like Angelus had. In fact, he had been at her house with her mother for god knew how long the night he had tried to make Willow do that ridiculous love spell, and yet he never once harmed her mother or her friends. Oh he had scared the bejesus out of Willow, threatening to kill her with a broken bottle, and he had thrown Xander into a wall knocking him out, but in reality, he could have done so much more to them. She shuddered to think what would have happened if Angelus had kidnapped them.

There also was the recent incident with the Gem of Amara and the incident where he had discovered he had the Chip. Though now that she thought about it, she couldn’t really blame his reaction of thinking she was responsible for his captivity. It’s not as if they were good friends or anything. Hell, if it had been her, she might have even tried to go after him in a personal way as well. This military group that had captured Spike had, in a sense, neutered him and she still wasn’t sure if she was okay with that or not.

It somehow seemed wrong, like humans playing God or something. It’s one of the reasons she had taken him in. What they did to him was like putting a shock collar on a dog, and though she knew Spike was evil, and he still thought of humans as happy-meals on legs, she couldn’t help feeling annoyed that these idiots, whoever they are, are trying to control evil. That is of the not good category, and Buffy hated to think of what kind of destruction these guys would create on the Hellmouth. If they didn’t have evil intentions, then their stupidity was going to send some demon on a rampage to end the world.

“It’s just,” she continued, “If Angelus had gotten the chip, I would have been the last person he went to. Also you helped me keep Giles safe that one time, you… you kept your word. I…I don’t ever see him doing that.”

“Well that’s easy, pet. Angelus was nothing more than a whoring, drunkard who lived off his rich daddy.” Spike smiled grimly, “That was until his old man got sick of it and threw him out on his arse.”

Buffy looked at Spike her eye’s wide, no wonder Angel had always been afraid to tell her what kind of man he had been. She still was curious about Spike though and asked, “So how were you different?”

Spike sighed and looked at Buffy, “You really want to know?”

At Buffy’s nod Spike continued, “Alright, but I’m only going to tell it once, and if I hear so much as a snort, I’m stopping.”

Spike ran his hand through his platinum hair muttering, “I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” under his breath.

Buffy watched him carefully schooling her features as best she could. She wondered just what he could say that would make her laugh at him. His next word had her eyes wide and her mouth dropping open in shock. He didn’t actually just say what she thought he did, did he?

“I was a poet before I was turned,” Spike said, watching with a bit of amusement at Buffy’s dumbfounded expression.

Her face lit up for the first time since they had begun the road trip and a slow smile began to spread across her face. “Were you any good?”

Spike looked at her a moment, thinking about lying. He sighed, deciding against it. “God, no. I wrote things that would make your ears bleed from how horrible they were. William the Bloody Awful Poet, that’s what they used to call me.”

Buffy looked at Spike before her smile widened, “That’s how you got your name?”

“Yah,” he said, taking in her amused expression. “That’s how I got the first one.”

She frowned in remembrance, of how he had gotten the name Spike but shrugged it off. She didn’t want to think about what Spike was. Just for a little while she wanted to know the man he used to be. She didn’t think being judgmental would make him talk.

“As for who I was… well… I was a wanker, a sniveling pathetic fool who followed his heart too easily.” Spike said darkly.

“I’m sure you’re not giving yourself enough credit.” Buffy said quietly. “If the man you were resembled anything like the man who stuck by Drusilla for over a hundred years, then you must have been a saint.”

Spike snorted, “What can I say luv? Some things never change.”

Buffy looked at Spike confused before she smiled softly as understanding dawned on her. He had followed his heart too easily with Drusilla as well. She wondered who the first person was to break his heart. “So who was the first girl?”

He looked at her before turning away ashamed reaching in his duster for a fag, “Her name was Cecily Underwood. She was an upper class snooty bitch, and at the time I was just too blind to see it. She would listen to my poetry and then snicker to her friends about how I was fawning all over her. One night I confessed my feelings for her, and she shut me down like only an ice-bitch of her status could do. I ran out of the party upset and met what I always thought was my salvation. I met Drusilla that night.”

Buffy’s heart went out to Spike, and in a moment of pure insight, she placed her hand on his arm. He wasn’t that different from her, she realized. They were so alike that when she thought about it, it actually kind of wigged her. Drusilla should be ashamed of herself for using someone who could love her the way Spike did. What Buffy wouldn’t give to feel that cherished and that safe, to know that the man you’re with only had eyes for you. She had never felt that, not with Angel and certainly not with Parker. She hoped there was someone out there for her with the same type of qualities Spike had.

“Thank you.” She whispered.

“For what?” Spike asked as he watched Buffy’s eyes fill with unshed tears. Spike reached into his duster once more retrieving his lighter and his flask simultaneously. He really needed a drink.

He took a sip of the fiery liquid as Buffy whispered, “For telling me something about you.”

Spike stared at her for a long moment, then nodded, smiling softly while handing her the flask and lighting his smoke, “You’re welcome.”

She took the silver flask and stared at it for a long while. She was about to refuse Spike’s offer when he spoke up again, “It’ll help. You might actually forget about him for a little while.”

Buffy looked at Spike and something inside of her broke. All the responsibility and all the pain that had been building up against the walls she erected were causing a fissure from the pressure. She needed to forget about Angel and her calling, and she needed to remember what it was like to have fun and be happy. She felt as if she was drowning in misery alone, and if she could forget about her responsibilities for just a little while she might be able to save herself.

She stared back at the flask and without warning downed the contents in one gulp. Spike was stunned watching as she shivered and coughed from the liquid. Thank god the thing was less than half way full, or he might have a real problem.

Buffy shuddered and looked at him with glassy eyes, “We need some more.”

Then again, maybe he just created a monster.

“Would you mind explaining to me why my Slayer decided to run off with Spike?” Giles growled over the receiver. “What in the bleeding hell happened down there?”

“G-Giles?” Angel said shocked. He had not expected to hear from Giles, especially not today, as Angel relived the last twenty-four hours. Giles sounded pissed, and did he just say Buffy had run off with Spike?

“Giles you need to slow down. Nothing happened here. Buffy showed up to yell at me for not telling her I was in town on Thanksgiving, and that was it.” Giles’ next words had the vampire stunned when realization dawned on him.

“Really, because she states right here in her letter, that… and I quote, some really bad stuff happened in Los Angeles between you and her. Why would she say that if it weren’t true?” Giles yelled.

Angel would have gone pale if he wasn’t a vamp, the Powers, god did the Powers change their minds and let Buffy keep her memories too? If they did maybe she was just upset, she had after all told him she understood why he was doing it. Then again, this was Buffy, she had been known to say one thing and mean something else entirely.

Well, if she didn’t understand. Angel’s only other opinion was she was so pissed off she didn’t care who it was she hung around with, or she was trying to make him jealous. If that were the case, she was doing one hell of a job. Angel already had issues with them harboring the bleached wonder instead of just staking his sorry ass, but he already knew Buffy didn’t have it in her to kill Spike if he couldn’t fight back.

“Giles,” Angel said. “I have to go check some things out. I’ll call you back when I know more.”

“What the bleeding hell is tha…” But it was too late. Angel had already hung up.

He stared out of the window as the sky began to darken. It was time to find out what the Oracles knew.

Buffy smiled brightly at Spike as the city came into view. It was beautiful, lit up like a sparkler. She smiled sadly as she was assaulted by memories of coming here as a small girl. Life had seemed so simple back then, so easy. She also remembered having long conversations with her friends at Hemery High about when they were eighteen they would all come here when they graduated. Unfortunately, those dreams never had a chance to come to fruition, thanks to her being Chosen.

She stuck her head out the window letting the cold ocean air wash over her as they crossed the Bay Bridge. She giggled and looked up at the stars. They looked so close, as if she could touch them.

“I used to dream about moving here,” Buffy said wistfully.

Spike instinctively reached out and grasped her hand. After she had finished off his flask, she had become incredibly talkative, though she had pouted when he told her he wasn’t stopping to get more booze until they were in the city.

When she realized Spike wouldn’t budge she began to talk to him about everything, as if they had been doing it for years. She told him about her family and living in L.A. She talked about going to Hemery High and some of her friends from there. They talked about their favorite movies and what music they liked.

The more Spike got to actually know Buffy the more he liked her. She was funny and very introspective. Though at times he felt she blamed herself for everything that went wrong in other people’s lives. He had to keep telling her not to blame herself. Luckily, she had not mentioned this last incident being her fault or Spike might have lost it.

Buffy acknowledged Spike’s gesture by squeezing his hand as they pulled into the city. Looking over at her vampire and grinning. “So, where are we staying?”

He returned her smile with one of his own, “I know just the place.”
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