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Closer to the Heart	By : hfreak Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Willow Views: 3834 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Buffy fandom or its characters. They belong to Joss Wheodn. I make no money from this.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
- 4
Title: Closer to the Heart
Chapter 3: Sleeper
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: If you�re not offended by the episode, you shouldn�t be offended by this .
Summary: Buffy and Willow face their issues: together.

A/N: I actually added quite a bit of extra stuff this time.

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    Willow was distracted as she made her way home. Thoughts of Tara and fears connected to the new Big Bad were chasing each other around her mind. Distracted as she was, it was a moment before she realized something was wrong at 1630 Revello Drive.
    She hurried through the door, wondering what had caused the apparent destruction.
    �Buffy?� she called out, moving toward the stairs.
    �She�s not here.�
    Willow spun quickly to see Dawn sitting in the middle of the wrecked living room.
    �Dawn? Oh my God.� She rushed to the young girl�s side, treading carefully around the broken glass and clutter. �What�re you � Dawn, what happened here? What � you�re cut.�
    �I�m alright,� Dawn assured her.
    �Let me see,� Willow insisted, �make sure.� She turned Dawn�s face and examined the cuts closely; they seemed shallow.
    �I saw mom,� Dawn said quietly.
    �What?� Willow asked.
    �She saw�Joyce?� Willow thought. �Why couldn�t mine be the actual person? No, don�t think like that. It wasn�t her. Dawn thinks she saw her mother. How am I supposed to tell her�?�
    �She was here, Willow,� Dawn persisted. �I saw her. She was here, and she spoke to me.�
    �Oh, sweetie,� Willow offered sympathetically.
    �No, she was right here,� said Dawn, reading the implication behind Willow�s tone, �and � and then she wasn�t. She-�
    �It wasn�t her.�
    �Blunt. That�s the way to do it,� thought Willow encouragingly.
    �What?� Dawn questioned in confusion.
    �At least, I don�t think�� Willow wondered why she was unsure. Did a part of her think that Dawn might have seen her mother? Did a part of her want to believe that her apparition had been real? �I-I saw something too,� she tried to explain, �and it looked like � someone else, but it wasn�t.�
    �I don�t understand.� Dawn was beginning to sound frustrated.
    �It�s the Big Bad, Dawn,� Willow explained. �The one we knew was coming.�
    �But, that�s what she said,� Dawn defended. �Mom, she said that things were coming, that things were on their way,� she hesitated slightly, �and that she loves us. So, it had to be her, right?� Willow could hear the understated desperation in the young girl�s voice. �I mean, her warning was true.�
    �I don�t know.� Willow shook her head sadly. It had been such a long night. And where was Buffy? Had she seen dead people as well? �I just don�t think we can trust anything right now.�
    �So maybe the evil thing messing with you was here too.� Willow could sense a contradiction coming. �Only maybe it was the thing trying to keep mom away.� The destruction stood as testament to some sort of struggle; that was certain. ��Cause she was trying to protect me. Maybe.� Dawn sounded less sure of herself as she finished.
    �Dawnie, I just don�t know,� Willow offered sadly.
    �Well, what did your dead person say?� the teen prompted.
    �I � it � it said�� Willow trailed off in confusion. Thinking about Tara and magic were not high on her list of preferences at the moment, yet those thoughts were the ones that kept persistently clouding her mind. �We should find out where Buffy is,� the witch supplied listlessly.
    �You know, you can talk to me too,� Dawn pointed out. �I�m not a little kid.�
    �I didn�t say you were,� Willow replied patiently. �It�s not about thinking you wouldn�t understand, it�s just � it�s kind of a girlfriend thing.�
    �Your person was Tara,� Dawn guessed.
    �Not exactly,� Willow admitted with a frown. �It was actually � Cassie, but she said she had a message from Tara.�
    �Why wouldn�t it just pretend to be Tara?�
    �I�m not sure.� Willow pondered it quietly. �I think � I think it was to make it more convincing. It said I wasn�t allowed to see Tara�because of what I did. A-and it made it more believable for me because � I kind of feel like that�s what I deserve.�
    �Willow.� Dawn gave the witch a supportive hug. �You can still talk to me about it. I mean, if you want to.�
    �Thanks,� said Willow. �It�s not so much the talking I need though. It�s � I�m trying to think how to describe it.� She and Dawn walked across the rubble, headed for the stairs. �It�s the support. The girlfriendly support.�
    �That�s not a sex metaphor, right?� Dawn quipped.
    �No,� said Willow with a grin. �It�s just something about being close and knowing that she cares. It�s a comfort.�
    �I care too, ya know,� Dawn reminded her. �I mean, not in a gay way. But I care because you�re my friend. More even,� she corrected. �Willow, you�re like��
    �You don�t have to say it,� Willow said soothingly.
    �I just wanted you to know, there are lots of people who love you, Willow.�
    �Love you too, Dawnie.� They had reached the upstairs, which seemed completely undamaged by comparison. �You should probably try to get some sleep,� suggested the witch.
    �You think Buffy will let me skip school?� Dawn asked hopefully.
    �I�ll see what I can do,� said Willow with a smile.
    �You�re not gonna sleep, are you?�
    �Probably not,� Willow admitted.
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    �Why would a vampire lie about who sired him?� Xander pointed out to Buffy as he fixed himself a cup of coffee. �What�s that, some kind of status symbol for the undead? My sire can beat up your sire.�
    �I�m not saying I don�t believe him,� Buffy replied. Did she believe him? A part of her did. The other part needed to see it for herself.
    �You just don�t want to,� Xander finished for her. She shot him a reproving look. �Okay, let�s look at this objectively. Figure it out in a cold, impersonal, CSI-like manner �cause we�re a couple of carpet fibers away from a case.�
    �Spike can�t be the one doing this,� Buffy dismissed. �He couldn�t if he wanted to.�
    �Why not?� Xander asked levelly.
    �Well, for one thing, pain chip, remember? He can�t hurt anyone.�
    �Didn�t stop him from hurting you,� Xander responded. Buffy looked away. �Hey, objective here. Maybe the chip�s not working anymore.�
    �Oh, it�s working.� Buffy thought of the night Spike had come to help Cassie, struggling against the chip as he fought those boys. �I�ve seen it.�
    �Is it? Or is it that what Spike wants you to think?�
    �You think it�s an act?� Could it be an act? Surely Spike couldn�t be that convincing. And evil Spike had been impatient, not the type to play games.
    �I don�t really know,� said Xander. �And neither do you.�
    �No, mm-mmm,� Buffy denied flatly. �There�s something. I-I can feel it. He�s different. He�s changed. And, if it is an act, then the Oscar goes to��
    It was at that moment that the door to the apartment opened and Spike entered. Buffy and Xander both turned and stared at him apprehensively. Spike stopped in his tracks, appearing unsettled by the Slayer�s presence.
    �Well, this can�t be good,� he announced. �You here at this hour. There trouble?�
    �No, no trouble,� Buffy said quickly, realizing that the vampire would probably see right through the flimsy denial, but hoping he wouldn�t guess her real reason for being there. �I was just � uh, we were just��
    �Right.� Spike nodded once as he shut the door. �None of my business. No worries.� He began moving toward the walk-in closet that was his room. Buffy moved closer to him.
    �Spike, I � how was your night?� she prompted.
    ��S alright,� he muttered noncommittally. �And yours? Did you, uh, bag any baddies?�
    �One,� Buffy informed him. �Vampire. Uh, someone I used to know, actually, a little.� Spike watched her closely. �Holden,� Buffy added. �Holden Webster.� Not even a flinch.
    �You knew him, huh?� Spike�s voice was layered with concern as he stepped closer. �That must�ve been a picnic.�
    �Yeah,� Buffy sighed.
    �Well, I�m gonna turn in before I drop.� He turned and walked into his room. �G�night,� he added as he closed the door.
    �You see that?� Xander asked. �You see how he reacted when you mentioned Webs? Cool as Cool Whip. What�s up with that?�
    �The sun�s coming up,� said Buffy. �I need to get home and check on Dawn. We need to keep an eye on Spike.�
    �Whoa, whoa, whoa,� Xander contradicted. �When you say �we� you mean �me.� And me�s gotta go to work. I got a big client meeting in a couple of hours.�
    �Xander, this is serious,� Buffy said with a frustrated sigh. �We cannot let him leave this house until we know if he�s killing again. We need to find someone that can watch him.�
    �She�s not gonna like it,� said Xander.
    �You don�t even know who I�m thinking of,� Buffy challenged.
    �Come on,� Xander said as he moved toward the door. �I can drive you home and we can pick her up. She�s been staying at your place, right? Avoiding D�Hoffryn�s demon-y assassins.�
    �Not these past couple of nights,� Buffy notified him. �She said she got a bit of money, treated herself to a hotel.�
    �Money?� Xander questioned. �What�d she do, rob a bank?�
    �No,� Buffy said dismissively. �I think she said something about settling the insurance payment on the Magic Box.�
    �Oh,� Xander�s eyes widened in understanding.
    �Hey, have you seen my phone?� Buffy asked as she felt her pockets. �I don�t think I have it.�
    �Haven�t noticed it,� Xander answered.
    �I must�ve dropped it in the graveyard,� Buffy realized. �D�you think you could-�
    �Say no more,� Xander cut her off. �Come on, we�ll do a sweep before I take you home.�
    �Thanks,� said the Slayer. �Oh and you should probably try to call Anya before you forget.�
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    �So what does Willow think about the whole sire question?� Xander asked as they drove to the graveyard.
    �Haven�t seen her yet,� Buffy admitted with a sigh.
    �You gonna tell her?�
    �You think I wouldn�t?� Buffy replied.
    �I don�t know, Buff,� Xander confessed. �Sometimes you keep stuff to yourself.�
    �Not with Willow,� Buffy refuted. �Not anymore. I-I trust her. She and I have been � sorta working on my trust issues. Holden and I were sorta working on that too,� she added as an afterthought.
    �Yeah, Webs always was into the psycho-babble,� Xander noted.
    �So you actually remember him,� Buffy marveled. �Took me like thirty minutes.�
    �And how�s it workin� out for ya?� said Xander. �The trust and what-not.�
    �It�s scary,� Buffy acknowledged with a sad nod. �I�m only just admitting to myself how deeply disturbed I really am.�
    �We�re all deeply disturbed, Buff,� Xander pointed out. �Maybe you feel more alone in it because you�re the Slayer, but we�re right there with you.�
    �I�� Buffy was unsure of how to respond. �Xander, I don�t know how to accept that,� she explained.
    �Because we�re not you,� Xander reasoned. �None of us has had the exact same experiences you�ve had and so our opinions don�t mean as much.� Buffy was confused by the way Xander said these things. These were words that should come with bitterness, yet Xander was perfectly calm.
    �How did you know that?� she asked, unable to think of anything else.
    �Because, Buffy, everyone goes through that,� he responded. �Maybe not on quite the same level as you � what, with the chosen and the power and the pointy stuff � but lots of people feel that way. Like maybe no one could completely understand them because no one else lives inside their head. People feel alone because, for the most part, they are alone.�
    �That�s pretty much what Holden said.� Buffy twisted her hands in her lap. �A-and it sounds good on paper, but � I don�t know how to apply it. How do you deal with that feeling?�
    �Part of the answer is just to accept it,� Xander said frankly. �And the other part � the harder part � is trust. You�ve gotta trust that even though other people aren�t you, they can still care. They can imagine what it�s like for you and they get where you�re coming from.�
    �Again with the good on paper,� Buffy answered.
    �Yeah,� Xander sighed. �I get that.�
    �Well, I can believe you when you say that,� Buffy said brightly. �So maybe that�s a step in the right direction.�
    �Basically the best you can hope for,� Xander said with a nod. �Keep takin� steps though and you�ll be surprised how far you can go.�
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    �Dawn?� Buffy called as she hurried into the house, wondering what the hell had happened. �Dawn!� She hurried upstairs.
    �Buffy, it�s okay.� Willow met the Slayer outside Dawn�s door. �She�s okay. Not hurt. She�s just exhausted. Finally fell off to sleep.�
    �What the hell happened?� Buffy asked urgently. �Downstairs looks like-�
    �Hell happened?� Willow supplied. �Yeah. Come on.� She began moving down the hall toward Buffy�s room.
    �Willow, what is it?� Buffy asked again as they entered the room.
    �It�s here,� Willow announced as she sat on the bed. �This big evil that�s been promising to devour us � well, I think it started chomping.�
    �Oh God,� Buffy replied. �And it started with Dawn?�
    �Both of us,� Willow clarified. �Buffy, this thing knows us. It made us think that we were talking to people we knew. Mine said� Dawn actually saw�� she paused and looked nervously into Buffy�s eyes, �your mother.� She could see the pain in Buffy�s face; reaching forward, she grasped one of the Slayer�s hands with both of her own. �This thing � it had me for a while � I mean, before it started letting loose with the pulse-pounding terror. But before that-�
    �Willow,� Buffy interrupted quietly. �What did yours say?� She could see the fear and pain in the witch�s eyes. �Tell me.� An arm wrapped around Willow�s shoulders as the Slayer sat next to her on the edge of the bed.
    �It � it looked like Cassie,� Willow began, not in any particular hurry to get to the part about Tara.
    �Like Cassie?� Buffy was unsure of how to interpret this development.
    �I think it can change its shape or something,� Willow explained.
    �Why Cassie though?�
    �It said�� Willow took a deep breath. �It said it had a message for me.�
    �What kind of message?� Buffy prompted, wondering what had Willow feeling so nervous.
    �From�� Willow trailed off. The memories of the night were still so strong. The grief and the anger threatened her stability. She still felt the sense of betrayal that this monstrosity had pretended to speak for Tara.
    �Tara,� Buffy said tonelessly. Her eyes seemed to freeze. Willow just nodded as tears came to her eyes. �I-I�m sorry you had to go through that,� Buffy offered, wrapping both of her arms around the redhead.
    �Thanks,� responded Willow, leaning into the embrace. �I love you, Buffy,� she said warmly.
    And Buffy sobbed. That Willow would be able to say that to her, even with Tara fresh on her mind, it touched her deeply. Feeling that love, love she wasn�t even sure if she deserved, was so wonderful that it was painful. Her cool and collected exterior snapped like a twig. She wouldn�t call them tears of joy; she couldn�t call them tears of sorrow.
    �Buffy?� Willow was gently inquisitive. The Slayer was not ready to respond. She tried to reign in the tears, but they were still spilling relentlessly. �I�m here for you.�
    �You � for � I should�� Buffy tried to express her thoughts.
    �We can be here for each other,� Willow said consolingly.
    �Shouldn�t � going to pieces,� Buffy continued to ramble, �You need-�
    �Shh.� Willow held Buffy tightly. �I think you�re feeling pretty needy right now too.�
    �But you � you � Tara� God, Will, I can barely think.�
    �It�s okay, Buffy.� Willow rubbed the Slayer�s shoulders encouragingly.
    �Willow,� Buffy pleaded, �why do you love me?�
    �What?� This was certainly not what Willow had expected to hear. �Is that what this is about?� The Slayer gave no answer. �Buffy, I love you because you�re you. I love what you are. I love everything about you.�
    �Everything?�
    �Everything,� Willow assured her. �Buffy� Can I ask what you did last night?�
    �Rough night,� the Slayer answered dryly.
    �And��
    �I-I wanna do the easy part first,� Buffy began, �but they both feel like hard parts.�
    �Take your time,� Willow suggested. �I can tell that you�re hurting and I wanna help you.�
    �There was this vamp,� said Buffy. �He was actually in school with us. Holden Webster.�
    �Oh,� Willow sighed sadly. �Webs got vamped?�
    �Everybody else remembers him,� Buffy mused. �Took me like thirty minutes. Anyway, we ended up talking.�
    �Talking?�
    �Yeah. I-I was sort of practicing the stuff I wanted to go over with you. We got really deep into some of my issues.�
    �You went deep into your issues with a vampire whose human self you can barely remember?� Willow questioned incredulously. �I don�t understand why you didn�t want to talk about it with me.�
    �I did. I do,� Buffy defended. �That�s what I�m doing right now, Will. I just needed to sort it out first.�
    �Buffy�� Willow took a breath. �I wish you weren�t afraid to talk to me.�
    �I�m not,� Buffy stated firmly. �It just sort of happened with Holden. And it helped me. I want to always get it right with you, Will. I didn�t want to say something the wrong way or anything.�
    �I think that�s too high of an expectation,� Willow countered bluntly. �People make mistakes, Buffy. They say wrong things, they say things they don�t mean, but it happens and we deal with it.�
    �I�m sorry,� Buffy said quickly. �I-I didn�t mean to hurt you.�
    �No,� Willow said reassuringly. �You didn�t hurt me, okay? I just want you to know that you can talk to me and that you don�t have to worry about making mistakes.�
    �Okay,� said Buffy. �I just � Willow, I�m so scared.�
    �Why are you scared?� Willow asked calmly.
    �One of the things we talked about � me and Holden � was about my relationships. They never last.�
    �I won�t leave you, Buffy,� said Willow promptly.
    �Oh, well, that settles everything then,� Buffy said sarcastically. �Because the others were always very clear on the fact that they were going to leave and I just never prepared myself.�
    �Buffy, don�t,� Willow pleaded. �Don�t think that way, please.�
    �I don�t know how not to, Will,� Buffy replied. �I�m scared like a little girl and I don�t know how to make it stop.�
    �Did you and Holden go over anything useful or did he just demoralize you all night with the scary stuff?�
    �One thing was that � that at least part of me � and I know what you�re gonna say, but don�t,� she prefaced. �I don�t feel like I�m worth it.�
    �Okay,� Willow said slowly, �you probably do know what I wanna say,� she allowed. �So why don�t you feel like you�re worth it?�
    �I don�t know,� Buffy admitted fearfully. �Not fully anyway. I think part of it is � my parents. That one made a little more sense last night. And part of it is that I can�t trust people. A-and part of it is that � that I cut myself off. Sometimes I have to be impersonal when I�m Slaying�but then I forget to be Buffy again when I come home. It�s � easier to be cold. There�s a clarity in it that feels really nice, but I lose the good things along with the bad ones and it�s not worth it.�
    You think you�re helping her by getting in touch with her feelings? She knows better. She can�t do her job with complex emotional problems on her mind.
    The false-Cassie�s words rang chillingly in Willow�s mind.
    �Buffy,� said Willow apprehensively, �you�re saying you wanna do both, right?�
    �I think so. I guess I�m saying I need to be reminded,� she decided. �After I�ve done what I need to do as the Slayer, I need to be reminded that I�m also Buffy and that that�s okay too.�
    �You think it�s not okay to be Buffy?� Willow questioned.
    �It�s not that I think it,� Buffy struggled with her thoughts. �I � feel it. I think it�s a wrong feeling, but it�s a feeling. It�s like I�m two people, but there�s not really a division between them. Sometimes I feel like I�m at war with myself because the Buffy in me hates the Slayer for making me cut myself off and the Slayer in me thinks I�m superior and the Buffy in me hates myself for feeling that way.�
    �Don�t,� Willow offered softly. �Don�t hate yourself, Buffy.�
    �I � Willow, I feel like a terrible person,� Buffy said meekly. �One of me feels superior and the other one feels inferior and sometimes I don�t even know which is which and I don�t know which one is motivating me.�
    �You�re not,� Willow cut her off. �You�re not inferior and you�re not superior either.� Buffy said nothing. �You�re different, Buffy. Everyone�s different. And yeah, you got an extra scoop of different when you became the Slayer, but different doesn�t mean better or worse. It just means different.�
    �But what does that mean?� Buffy pleaded.
    �It means you don�t have to feel bad,� Willow said consolingly. �You�re not a bad person. It�s not like anything you�ve done is wrong.�
    �How about rough sex with a soulless, evil vampire?�
    �Rough sex is a personal choice,� Willow pointed out. �And maybe the soulless thing could fall in the mistake category,� she said in a more serious tone. �But Buffy, making mistakes doesn�t make you bad. It just means you made a mistake.�
    �This is all really hard to deal with,� Buffy commented.
    �I know,� Willow told her. �Really, I know. I�ve made mistakes,� the witch said quietly. �You don�t think I�m a bad person, right?�
    �Of course not,� Buffy assured her. �I love you, Will.�
    �So maybe you can love yourself too,� Willow suggested. �Even if you make mistakes. Even though the Slayer has to do things that other people don�t do. None of that makes you bad.�
    �I�m glad I have you, Will,� Buffy said solemnly. �This is all really, really hard to deal with,� she repeated. �And even though the words make sense, it�s still really hard. But you make it better.�
    �The, uh, the apparition,� said Willow, �after I found out what it was, it tried to tell me that I was doing the wrong thing. Getting you to trust and deal with your emotions.�
    �But it�s evil though,� Buffy pointed out.
    �So it�s probably the right thing,� Willow conceded. �It�s so hard to know though.�
    �Willow, I wanna make something clear,� Buffy said. �I don�t want to be cold, hard Buffy. Sometimes I have to be � and sometimes it�s even kinda nice � but it�s not what I want. I want to be trusting, emotional Buffy. When I�m in Slayer mode � it�s like I�m half a person. When I�m with you � trusting and loving � I feel whole.�
    �I�m glad,� Willow answered simply. �I love you, Buffy.� This brought another quiet sob. �Buffy?�
    �Sorry,� she said quickly. �I just� Have you ever felt something so good that it � hurts?�
    �Hurts?� Willow asked with concern.
    �Maybe not exactly.� Buffy was quietly thoughtful for a moment. �You just spent the night having your half of a conversation with Tara � and you can still say you love me.� Two tears slipped from her eyes.
    �I do love you, Buffy,� said Willow fervently. �And yeah, I miss Tara a lot; I think I always will� But I love you, Buffy. I love you with everything I have.�
    �That�s what it is,� Buffy explained. �That love � touches me. It touches me really deeply. I�m not used to letting people so far in.�
    �Okay,� Willow said softly, �I think I can understand what you�re saying. It�s kinda scary to feel something that deeply. Especially when you�re not used to it.�
    �Sounds close enough to right,� said Buffy.
    �Bet you didn�t realize dating me would be so scary, huh?�
    �Bet you didn�t realize I had so many issues,� Buffy countered.
    �I kinda did,� Willow informed her. �We�re best friends; do you think I don�t notice these things?�
    �That would be why I try to hide them,� Buffy said flatly.
    �I knew you had some baggage, Buffy. I don�t want you to feel like you deceived me or something. It�s not like I got into this expecting you to be perfect; nobody is. Love isn�t about that. It�s about loving someone even though they have issues. Even if they make mistakes. Xander kinda taught me that.�
    �Xander?�
    �When I�� Willow suppressed a shudder. �When I tried to destroy the world.� Buffy grasped the witch�s hand reassuringly. �He told you about the speech, right?�
    �Yeah.�
    �I was � I was kinda being cold, hard Willow. Emotionless. I didn�t want to feel anything. And then he reached out to the deepest parts of me. He didn�t ask me to stop. He just loved me. And it hurt.� Her voice cracked slightly as she said it. �So � I get how you feel.�
    �I believe you,� Buffy said gently. �And that�s actually kinda big for me. Xander sorta helped me understand some stuff too.�
    �You mean � recently?� Buffy understood that by �recently� Willow meant �last night.�
    �I�m sorry,� Buffy said shortly. �I should have come to you first.�
    �Why did you go to Xander?� Willow asked patiently.
    �I wanted to check on something. Didn�t really help anything though,� she added thoughtfully. �But we talked a bit. He helped me understand some of my trust issues.�
    �Yeah?�
    �It�s hard for me to accept � that people care � that they understand even if they haven�t lived it. I wanna work on that too. I wanna be able to trust people even though they haven�t been in my mind.�
    �But I have been in your mind,� Willow reminded her.
    �Huh?� questioned the Slayer.
    �Don�t you remember?� Willow prompted. �After Glory took Dawn � you were all catatonic.�
    �Oh yeah,� sighed Buffy in realization. �Guess I inherited some repressing skills.�
    �We could�� Willow hesitated. �I mean, if you want to � we could do it again.� Silence. �Both ways even.�
    �I-I don�t know,� said Buffy uncertainly. �I mean, I wanna be able to say yes��
    �It�s intimidating,� Willow acknowledged. �I�m sorry, I shouldn�t have said it.�
    �It�s okay,� Buffy said quickly. �Like I said, I want to � I want to be that trusting. I�m just not ready yet.�
    �I�m sorry,� Willow said again. �I don�t want you to feel pressured. I know this is all really hard for you.� The redhead sighed deeply. �And not to dismiss that,� she preemptively qualified, �but maybe we should change the subject. There�s something I wanna know. What did you go to check on at Xander�s place?�
    �You know,� Buffy answered plainly.
    �So why did you need to check on him?�
    �Holden,� Buffy began. �He told me Spike sired him � two nights ago.�
    �Well, that�s impossible, right?� said Willow immediately. �So maybe it was another one. A fake-out,� she clarified. �You got one too. It wasn�t a real vamp.�
    �It dusted real enough,� Buffy commented sadly.
    �Buffy, do you think Spike is-�
    �I can�t,� said Buffy with a sigh. �I hope not. But if I�m wrong and he is, then I have to see it for myself. I have to be there to stop it.�
    �Okay,� said Willow supportively.
    �So that was my night,� Buffy stated. �Tell me more about yours.�
    �Okay,� Willow repeated. �You already know that it � the apparition thing � it looked like Cassie. And it said it had a message from Tara. I was talking with Dawn earlier and I sort of came up with a theory.�
    �So I�m not the only one who talks to other people,� Buffy pointed out.
    �Fair point,� Willow conceded. She took a breath before continuing. �It said I wasn�t allowed to see Tara because of what I did. And I believed it because � I feel like I deserve that.�
    �I�m sorry you feel that way.� Buffy kissed the witch�s cheek.
    �Well, it really got me hooked in,� Willow persisted. �The lies were very convincing. It just seems real.�
    �What did it tell you?�
    �It said that they � Cassie and Tara � they saw my path. They said I was gonna kill everyone.� Willow frowned, fearing the possibility of such a thing. �And then it said I needed to stop using magic, but Giles taught me that that was just as dangerous and I know that he�s right. Then she � it � it said that there was another way.� Willow�s tone flattened. �It tried to � convince me to kill myself.�
    �I�m here for you,� Buffy responded immediately.
    �I wouldn�t do it,� Willow assured her. �That�s the thing that made me realize I wasn�t talking to Tara. The rest of it though � it was so convincing because it�s exactly what I�m afraid of.�
    �I�ve got you,� said the Slayer promptly. �I wish it wasn�t frightening for you.�
    �I�m just glad you�re here,� Willow replied warmly. �Just being close to you helps a lot. It�s like the world�s this great big ocean and the storms are coming in, making everything go all wavy, but where you are everything�s calm.�
    �I love you, Will.�
    �I love you too.�
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    Anya, Willow, Buffy and Dawn were gathered around Willow�s laptop. Buffy was so frustrated at the Spike situation. Confronting him may not have been the best thing, but after losing him and that woman, she had been unable to contain her frustration. If it had been anyone else, she wouldn�t have waited for evidence, but Spike always made everything so damn confusing. Her frequently divided mind argued that Spike really couldn�t be doing this of his own free will. She knew she wouldn�t be able to bring herself to stake him without some kind of proof.
    �Okay guys, find me some evidence that he did this.� Buffy insisted, breaking the silence.
    �Really?� Anya asked as she looked through the bookcase. �Are you sure that�s what you want?�
    �Find me proof that he didn�t,� Buffy suggested alternatively. She needed something solid, one way or the other.
    �You only think Spike is turning people �cause that vampire told you so, right?� Dawn prompted. �But that night we were all told things that weren�t true.�
    �Maybe,� said Willow.
    �What? What maybe?� Dawn inquired. Buffy thought of Willow�s uncertainty about the intentions of the new Big Bad and its careful use of half-truths.
    �Well, just because those weren�t the spirits of, you know, our people � just because it was some evil thing, doesn�t mean what they said can�t be true.� Willow sounded conflicted. The Slayer gave her an encouraging smile.
    �I used to tell the truth all the time when I was evil,� Anya offered helpfully.
    �Look, we can�t assume anything,� Buffy said briskly. �We need hard facts.�
    �Well, if Spike is biting people again, should there be more dead people with neck trauma? Right? We can find that,� Anya said brightly.
    �No,� Willow muttered, frowning at the computer screen.
    �No, we can�t find that?� Anya questioned. �But that�s easy. That computer�s a moron.�
    �I mean, no, there�s not really an increase in neck injuries, but�� Willow fell silent as her eyes scanned the screen.
    �But what?� Buffy prompted.
    �Oh. Missing people,� the witch began. �Eight, maybe. Oh, ten of them. No bodies, they�re just missing. Mostly young. Lots of girls.
    �So, it�s true?� Dawn asked. �What that vampire told Buffy turned out to be true.�
    �Maybe,� said Buffy. �But it still doesn�t prove that it�s Spike. Right now, he�s the only one who knows for sure. I�m gonna go patrol,� she announced suddenly. �Keep trying to catch him at it.�
    �It didn�t work last night,� Dawn protested. �And now he knows you�re on to him-�
    �I don�t know what else to do,� Buffy answered in frustration.
    �Buffy,� said Willow quietly. The Slayer took a deep breath and turned to face the redhead. �Can I come with you?�
    �I have to do my job, Will,� Buffy replied.
    �And?�
    �And � Will, this is gonna come out wrong��
    �I�ll keep that in mind,� Willow assured her.
    �I can�t protect you and fight Spike at the same time,� Buffy explained. �This is gonna be hard enough as it is; having you close could really put me off of my game.�
    She knows better.
    Again, Willow�s mind presented her with the apparition�s taunts.
    �I�m sorry,� Willow said softly, looking confused.
    �No, hey.� Buffy held out her hand and crooked her finger. �Come here.�
    Willow pushed her chair back and walked over to the Slayer. Buffy grasped her lover in a hug.
    �Any other night it would be yes,� Buffy pledged quietly. �Just not tonight. I hope you understand.�
    �I want to,� said the witch levelly.
    �He�� Buffy looked up at the others. Dawn was looking at the floor, but her eyes kept moving back to the hugging couple. Anya surveyed her own fingernails, apparently uninterested in the emotional exchange. �Willow,� she whispered, �you know he confuses me. I need to be cold and impersonal if I�m gonna figure this out. With you there, it would be harder. I need to be the Slayer, okay?� Willow nodded against Buffy�s shoulder. �I�ll be back though. And I�ll stake him if I have to. Trust me.�
    �Okay,� Willow agreed softly. �But if you die, I�m gonna bring you back so I can kill you.�
    �You don�t even have to worry about that,� Buffy said calmingly.
    �D�you think he knows?� the witch asked suddenly. �A-about us?�
    �I don�t know. I thought he�d smell it, but if he does know, he�s not saying anything.�
    �Wait a minute,� Anya interrupted loudly. The couple pulled apart and looked at her. �You two are an �us� now?�
    �You didn�t know?� Buffy questioned with raised eyebrows.
    �Dawn,� the ex-demon rounded on the teen. �You owe me ten dollars, don�t you?�
    �No,� Dawn countered calmly. �I owe you five, remember? And you owe Xander ten.�
    �Damn,� Anya muttered. �Buffy, you need to learn to be more assertive.�
    �Is everyone betting on us?� Buffy demanded.
    �What exactly was the bet?� said Willow interestedly.
    �Five dollars that you two would get together, and five more that you,� she nodded toward Willow, �would make the first move,� Anya informed her. �Dawn said it wouldn�t happen, so she took both bets with Xander. I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened so I took Dawn up for five, but I forgot I let her out of the first move thing since her scenario didn�t technically have a first move and also because she�s a little kid and doesn�t have a lot of money and it would be socially inappropriate to rob her blind like that. Mostly I just wanted to have the moral high ground over Xander. And I went double with him, thinking that you,� she pointed at the Slayer, �would be the one who made the first move. Aren�t you Slayers supposed to make with the �want, take, have�? You were supposed to grab her in a moment of blind passion and ravish her.�
    Both Buffy and Willow blushed at the last line.
    �Sorry to disappoint,� Buffy said to Anya.
    �I think that puts me ahead on the �manly one� question,� Willow teased.
    �Well, I�ll just have to ravish you tonight, my wicked witch.� Buffy kissed the redhead quickly. Dawn coughed once to remind them of her presence.
    �It doesn�t matter if you ravish her now,� Anya complained. �I�m still out ten dollars. Maybe I can get Xander to go double or nothing on something.�
    �Preferably not something about our relationship,� Buffy requested.
    �There�s not much we could bet on without resorting to voyeurism,� Anya reflected. �You know, Buffy, if you were a considerate person, you would give me ten dollars since you�re so terrible at assertiveness.�
    Willow leaned and whispered something in Buffy�s ear.
    �Oh God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones,� Buffy tentatively said to the ex-demon.
    �Apology accepted,� said Anya with an indulgent smile.
    �Still not givin� you any money though,� Buffy said dryly. �I�m gonna go make with the stalking.� She kissed Willow again and then headed for the door.
    �You guys wanna play poker?� Anya suggested as the door closed.
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    The Scoobies were all assembled at Buffy�s house. Spike sat wrapped in a blanket, facing away from the group. Each of the Scoobies took it in turns to cast dubious glances at the vampire as Buffy explained what had happened when she had gone to meet Spike.
    �And you believe him?� Anya prompted.
    �You didn�t see him down there,� Buffy defended quietly. �He really didn�t know what he�d done. He wasn�t in control.�
    �Oh, an out of control serial killer. You�re right, that is a great houseguest,� Xander quipped.
    �Wait is he � is he staying here?� asked Dawn.
    �I don�t know,� Buffy answered, stress layering her tone. �But I�m not letting him out of my sight, that�s for sure.�
    �Buffy, he�s been feeding�on human blood,� Willow pointed out softly. �That�s gotta do stuff.�
    �I�m not keeping him around just to help him,� Buffy qualified, glancing once in Spike�s direction. �I think there was something there, talking to him, making him do things.�
    �Something like what was talking to us?� the witch inquired.
    �Maybe,� said Buffy, hating all of the uncertainty. �But if it was, it�s been messing with Spike big time.�
    �So,� said Xander, �you want him around because��
    �Look, there�s something evil working us,� the Slayer explained. �And if we are ever gonna have a chance to fight it, we need to learn everything we can about it. This thing has been closer to Spike than any of us.�
    �And if you wanna understand it�� Willow said darkly.
    �I�m gonna have to get close to Spike,� Buffy confirmed.
    �Nah,� said Xander, �it�s too-�
    �Buffy,� Willow spoke over Xander. �What if-�
    �I think I know what you�re gonna say,� Buffy interrupted. �And you should know that vampires can hear you whispering from across a room.�
    �Buffy, you should-�
    �Not right now, please,� Buffy insisted.
    �Buff, we�re playin� with fire here,� said Xander.
    *Willow, can you hear me?*
    The witch stirred at the sound of Buffy�s thoughts.
    �Xander, I can handle Spike,� the Slayer assured him and the group at large.
    *I love you, Willow,* thought the Slayer.
    *I love you too,* Willow thought back immediately.
    �I�m not saying you can�t handle him,� Xander stated.
    *You okay?* Buffy was uncomfortable with the troubled look on Willow�s face.
    *I wanna be,* came Willow�s answer. *I really don�t understand this.*
    �I�m just saying that maybe there are other ways to get to know evil besides shacking up with it.�
    �Shacking up?� Buffy questioned. �That�s not what this is.� She looked into Willow�s eyes as she said it.
    �Sorry, poor choice of words,� Xander replied.
    *Why don�t you want him to know about us?* Willow looked concerned.
    *I just don�t want to tell him tonight. Not after everything else that�s happened.*
    �But Buff, maybe you�re approaching the situation differently because of your personal involvement,� Xander suggested.
    *Why?* Willow�s eyes were soft and questioning.
    *It�s gonna hurt him. I know we need to tell him and set the record straight, but I just don�t wanna do it tonight.*
    �Guys, this isn�t some pity thing,� Buffy addressed the entire room. �I�m not helping him because we had a fling. I�m helping him because I really believe he�s not in control, because I think he�s being played by the same thing that�s been messing with the rest of us, and because he wants my help.�
    *Is that okay? Is it okay if we wait to tell him?*
    *I�ll try to get there,* was Willow�s answer as her face relaxed.
    �And is that all he has to say for you to let him in?� Xander responded.
    *I do want to ask,* Willow continued. *What if he already knows?*
    �What if he thinks this is a way to get closer to you?� Xander prompted.
    *That,* thought Willow, tilting her head in Xander�s direction.
    �Guys, I need you to trust me on this.� Buffy took the time to look each of them in the eyes. �I think that this evil thing is trying to use Spike and I need to know why. It�s my job to fight things like this and it�s my job to protect the people that need it. Whatever this thing is, from beneath us, it�s bad, and it�s only getting worse.�
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Next Chapter: Never Leave Me
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Closer to the Heart