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After Death	By : addielogan Category: Angel the Series > Het - Male/Female > Angel(us)/Cordelia > Angel(us)/Cordelia Views: 3020 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Angel: The Series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Angel's day had started badly when he'd woken
up alone. No trace of Cordelia, not even her scent. It had seemed so real the
night before, but now Angel was seeing that it had all been a delusion. A very vivid one, but a delusion nonetheless.
From there, he'd had a conversation with
Willow, who had informed him that Buffy and Spike were out having breakfast.
Apparently, it was a very long meal, since that had been hours ago, and he
hadn't heard from either one of them.
He'd spent the entire day stuck in the
hotel, sitting amongst the wreckage his fit the night before had caused. He
couldn't stand the thought that Spike was out there somewhere with Buffy, most
likely in daylight.
Finally, Angel had had enough. Sunset wasn't
for a few hours yet, but he didn't care. He didn't trust what had happened to
Spike, nor did he like the idea of him being alone with Buffy. Nothing good
could come from that, Angel was certain. He started towards the door.
"And just where do you think you're
going?"
Angel froze. She was back�He turned sharply,
staring at the woman now standing in his room. "Cordelia?"
"The one and only. And again I ask, where are you
going?"
He gave her the truth. "Spike and Buffy
have been gone all day. I have to find them."
Cordelia placed her fists firmly on her
hips, one eyebrow raised. "Um, in case you haven't noticed, it's a little
bright out there. Unless your method of finding them involves being a flaming
pillar of dust, I suggest you stay in."
"I can go through the sewers,"
Angel insisted.
"So you're what, going to wander around
the L.A. sewer system trying to catch a glimpse of them somewhere?" She
took her hands from her hips, gesturing as she spoke. "Buffy doesn't need
you to be her protector, especially not now."
"But Spike is probably out there
putting the moves on her again," Angel pointed out. "He isn't right
for her!"
The stern posture was back. "Not your
decision to make."
"He mystically transformed from vampire
to human in the middle of a battle with Wolfram and Hart. That can't be a good
thing."
"Wasn't it at the end of the battle�an apocalyptic
battle?"
"It wasn't the Shanshu, Cordy,"
Angel said, gritting his teeth.
"What makes you so sure of that?"
"Because it's
Spike!" Couldn't Cordelia of
all people see that? She knew what Spike was, knew he couldn't possibly be
capable of redemption.
Cordelia sighed, crossing her arms in front
of her. "Vampire with a soul, fought in the apocalypse, stop
me when I get to something that sounds Shanshu-related here."
"But I'm the one who worked for it! I
spent years earning the right to that prophecy.�and years before that suffering
because of what I'd done as Angelus. Spike's had a
soul for what, five minutes, and he's Shanshu worthy? Not possible."
"Have you completely forgotten you
signed it away?" Cordelia asked, her eyebrow arching again. "Which,
might I add, was just a stupid thing to do."
"It was my destiny!" Angel
shouted. "That shouldn't have mattered! You can't change a prophecy!"
Cordelia softened, her arms dropping to her
sides. "It didn't change, Angel. The prophecy was fulfilled the way it was
always meant to be fulfilled."
Angel stared at her, not believing what he
was hearing. "What?"
Cordelia took his hand. "We all have
our destinies, Angel. This was Spike's. Yours lays elsewhere."
"I can't accept that! I'm the vampire
with a soul!"
"And now you're back to being the only
one. The prophecy was fulfilled, and the universe has balance again."
"It should've been me."
"Maybe. Maybe not. But that isn't
the issue anymore�or the reason I'm here. The Powers made their decision, and it's
in the past now. Spike is human, and that can't be changed. It's the future I'm
worried about. You've lost the mission, Angel. You lost it the moment you
signed that devil's deal with Wolfram and Hart."
"I did that to save Connor. You of all
people should understand that."
Cordelia dropped his hand. "But is that
even what you did�and is that the only reason why you did it? You were lost.
Everything you'd believed in had been turned on its head. Wolfram and Hart
swooped down at just the right time, got you when you were weak. They offered
you more than just a new life for Connor. Don't lie to me and say that's all it
was. I know better than that, and so do you."
"I wanted to bring down Wolfram and
Hart�and I did." He had to hold on to that. It had all fallen apart, but
he couldn't let himself believe that no good at all had come from what he'd
done, from what he'd sacrificed.
"Do you really believe that?"
"I stopped the Circle of the Black
Thorn."
"Evil doesn't just disappear, Angel. It
goes somewhere else, finds someone new. The Senior Partners are still there.
They always will be. There has to be a balance."
"Evil has to be stoppable, Cordy. If
it's not, then why do I even fight?"
"You fight because it's the right thing
to do."
"That's not enough!"
Cordelia placed her hand gently against his
cheek. "You still have a long way to go. You focus so much on redeeming
yourself, on atoning for the sins of Angelus. But the past is in the past. You
can't change what you did, and you can't make any of it better. You have to
focus on what's happening now and what will happen in the future. Trying to
change yesterday is pointless, Angel. But working towards
tomorrow�that you can do. You don't do good to make up for the bad�you
do it because it's right."
"Cordelia, I�"
Cordelia moved her hand down, pressing her
fingers against his lips. "No. I can't stay much longer, and I need you to
listen to me. You're getting obsessed again, and we both know where your
obsessions lead. You let yourself get so wrapped up in things that you don't
see the world around you anymore. You can't do that again. Just accept what is.
She's going to be happy, Angel. Just let that be enough for you."
It couldn't be enough. He'd put so much into
this� "But I worked so hard�"
"And you still have work
to do. I'm sorry, but that's the way things are." Cordelia stepped back
from him. "I have to go now. Please, remember what I said."
Angel realized she was leaving again, and
felt himself almost panic. He needed her here, now more than ever. "Why do
you have to leave? Why weren't you here this morning?" Angel reached out
for her, but stopped before he actually managed to touch her. "If you're
here now, why can't you stay?"
"I just can't yet. I'm sorry. I'd
rather be here with you than anywhere else, but now isn't the time. It was hard
enough for me to get here this morning, but I knew you needed me. So don't make
this all a waste of my time. Be the Champion I know you are." When she
finished speaking, Cordelia faded from view.
Angel touched the spot where she'd been but
felt nothing. He wondered if maybe he'd lost his mind, if he'd been pushed to
the point of hallucination. Cordelia was just as gone as she'd been that
morning, not even a trace of her scent remaining.
He sat back down on the ground.

***
*** ***
"Angel? You in here, man?"
Angel heard the knock on the door, followed
by Gunn's voice. But he didn't answer. He just kept staring, willing Cordelia
to appear again. If he'd hallucinated her twice,
couldn't he do it again?
The door slid open, Gunn walking into the
room only to stop short when he saw the wreckage. "Whoa. There wasn't a
poltergeist up here, was there?"
Angel continued to face forward.
"Cordelia was here."
Gunn frowned. Angel was sitting in wreckage
claiming he saw Cordelia? "And she�trashed your room?"
"I did that. Buffy called."
"Oh. And Cordelia�
She's gone, Angel. We buried her, remember?"
Angel pointed forward. "She was right
there." His hand fell. "I might have made her up." He turned to
Gunn then. "I think I'm going crazy."
"And I think I'm going to have to back
you up on that." Gunn held up a mug. "I brought you some blood. You
haven't been down all day. Thought maybe you could use something to eat. And I
think I was right, seeing as you're looking mighty scary."
"I'm not hungry."
"When's the last time you ate?"
"I don't remember."
Gunn sighed, coming over and sitting beside
Angel. He handed him the mug. "Here. Drink. Might make you stop seeing
things."
"I don't want to stop seeing her."
"I know."
Angel took the mug, staring down at the
think, red fluid inside. "I guess Spike doesn't need this anymore. Not for a meal, anyway."
"Probably not," Gunn replied.
"You know for sure what happened to him was what the Shanshu was
about?"
"No. I�it can't be. Spike doesn't
deserve redemption."
"I don't know, Angel. I saw him this
past year. He was all about wearing that white hat. For the most part
anyway�"
"I've worked harder for it.
Longer."
"I don't think the Powers are happy
with any of us." Gunn chuckled mirthlessly. "I used to kill vampires.
Dedicated to ridding the world of 'em, one bumpy forehead at
a time. Now I'm bringing one his blood."
"I'm not like other vampires,
Charles."
"No, you're not." Gunn sighed.
"But I'm not sure that's good enough for me anymore."
Angel turned to look at him. "What are
you saying?"
"I'm saying maybe your mission is no
longer my mission."
"Gunn� You're all I have left."
"Yeah, I know. Last one standing. But
Angel, I almost died out there. Would have, if some of your
ex's witch buddies hadn't worked some mojo on my gaping mortal wound."
Gunn took a deep breath. "I'm not turning on you. And I'm not saying
you're my enemy. I'm just saying� I think I need to do some soul searching.
This last year, it shook me up real bad. Real bad. I'm
not sure who I am anymore. I need to figure that out."
Angel looked back down into the blood.
"I get that. Any idea where you're going to go?"
"No. I figure I'll know when I get
there. I just�I wanted to say goodbye."
"Yeah. Take care and all that."
Gunn stood. "I'm sorry, Angel."
"Me, too."
"Oh, and just so you know, the Slayers are taking Illyria. They think maybe they can
turn her into a useful member of society or something."
"Oh."
Gunn turned around and walked out, shutting
the door behind him. Angel drank his blood.

***
*** ***
Angel didn't know how long it had been since
he'd moved. Hours, days, it didn't matter. He wondered if he sat long enough,
if he'd just dust. Dissolve into the nothing he felt.
Then he smelled her. Buffy� With all the bodies that
had been in his hotel, he could still smell hers. Angel stood, drawn to her. If
she was here, he had to know why.
He found her talking to Willow and called to
her. She stood when she saw him, smoothing her clothes with her hands.
"Angel."
Willow said something quickly to Buffy
before darting off, leaving them alone in the lobby. "Hello, Angel,"
Buffy said, he tone devoid of emotion.
"Hello, Buffy." Angel stopped in
front of her, his arms crossed. She was making no effort to hide the fact she
didn't really want to talk to him. He wasn't going to concede to that.
"I was just here to see how the Slayers
are holding up. Willow says they're fine, so I'm going to go�" Buffy said
before started to walk away.
Angel grabbed her arm, stopping her.
"We need to talk."
"About what?" Buffy asked.
"You know what."
"The weather?"
Angel's jaw clinched. He didn't have the
energy for her to be in this particular mood. "Don't try to be flippant
about this, Buffy. We need to talk about Spike."
Buffy sighed, pulling herself out of Angel's
grasp. "There's nothing to talk about."
"Spike's human."
"Gee, Angel,
thanks for the newsflash. I hadn't picked up on that."
"I wasn't finished. Spike's human, and
that's a bad thing."
"How? How is it bad? The Powers that Be made him human,
Angel�I think they knew what they were doing."
How could she actually believe that? Angel
knew Spike had tried to kill Buffy time and time again�had made it his unlife's
goal at one point. And now she was just going to accept that he'd been handed
redemption on a silver platter? How come no one could see the truth about Spike
as clearly as he could? "It wasn't them! Dammit, Buffy, you're acting like
a child."
Buffy gaped at him. "Me? I'm acting like a child? What about
you? You're sulking like a five year old who had his favorite toy taken away!"
Angel stiffened at her accusation. "I
am not! You're being incredibly na�ve about this. Have you learned nothing in
your time as the Slayer? Between Spike and the Immortal, I'm seriously
beginning to question your judgment, Buffy."
"Oh my god. I can't believe you're being such an ass because
you're jealous. No, wait, I can. This
isn't about you. It's not about us. It's about Spike."
Jealousy? She was writing off his valid concerns about her as jealousy? "That much we agree
on�just not what it means. You may think you know Spike, but I've seen sides of
him you've never seen. The Powers that Be never would've given him this.
There's something sinister behind it. And if he's willing to just sit back and
let himself be human now, well, shows how much he really cares about you."
"What in the world are you talking
about? What do you expect him to do, go find Drusilla to re-sire him? The
Powers did this, Angel, end of story. It seems to me like what you really care
about is that he's the one who was made human and not you."
Angel gritted his teeth as he made his
decision of what to say next. It wasn't something he'd ever planned on sharing
with Buffy, but he had to say something to make her see reason. She had to know
that there were things other than the Powers that Be that could've done this to
Spike. "I was human once, Buffy."
"Well, duh. I didn't think you were
born a vampire."
"No. I mean a few years ago. My blood
mixed with the blood of a demon with regenerative powers and I was human,"
Angel explained.
Buffy took a step back from him. "When? Why didn't I know about this?"
"You did."
"I did not! I think I would remember it
if you were human, Angel."
Angel shook his head. "You don't
remember it because I made sure you didn't. As a human, I was weak, and I
couldn't protect you. I went to these oracles, asked them if me being human
could hurt you. They told me you were going to die, and if I was a vampire, I
might be able to protect you. So I had the day erased. We were together for
that day, and it was the best day of my existence, but I loved you enough to
realize that protecting you was more important than anything else."
Buffy walked backwards, sitting back down on
the couch. "How�could you have done that?" she asked.
"I had to! They told me you would
die." Much to Angel's surprise, Buffy began to laugh, although the sound
of it bordered on hysterical. He frowned. "What?"
"I did
die, you bastard. I faced a hellgod who wanted to bleed my sister dry, and had
to throw myself off a fucking tower. You didn't protect me, Angel. You sat back
and ignored everything while I died."
Her accusation had Angel floored. That
wasn't what he'd meant at all. He'd been protecting her. Couldn't she see that?
And he hadn't been abandoning her. Not really. Things had just gotten so
complicated, and the state of the Hellmouth hadn't seemed as pressing as it
once had. "Hey, I had things going on here that�"
"Were easier if you
were still the vampire with the soul. The great Champion of the people. If you gave up your humanity, it
wasn't about me, so don't pretend like it was."
"You don't get what I'm telling you,
Buffy."
Buffy stood again, and the look in her eyes
was enough to almost scare Angel. "Then explain it to me. Since you
apparently know what I need so much more than I do. You just tell me right now
what I'm supposed to think."
"Buffy�"
"No! Don't you talk to me like I'm a
fucking child! You don't get to do that, Angel. Not anymore." Buffy was
crying now, and Angel could almost smell the anger in her tears. "You tell
me what the fucking point is to all
of this!"
Angel was shocked. He'd never heard Buffy
talk like this before� "Spike accepting this the way he is is dangerous! Vampires don't just become human. There has
to be consequences�bad ones. I realized that, and I gave up everything to make
things right again. The fact that he isn't willing to even consider any of this
shows that he has to have some kind of ulterior motive."
"Can you hear yourself? Do you realize
how convoluted that logic is? Or the lack of logic
anyway."
"It's the truth, whether you want to
face it or not."
Buffy balled her fists beside her, her whole
body shaking. Angel couldn't tell if she was going to yell at him some more or
hit him.
He never found out. He looked up, stumbling
back in shock as he saw his son come through the front doors. "Connor�what
are you doing here?"
Connor said nothing. Instead he responded by
punching Angel as hard as he could, sending the vampire flying backwards,
landing on the floor in a heap.

***
*** ***
Please review! I only got a couple of
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After Death