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Still Holding On	By : Lissa Category: AtS/BtVS Crossovers > Het - Male/Female > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 1413 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Disclaimer: I own nothing�

Summary: Set about three years after the 'Angel' finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can't handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it's not as easy as it seems�

Rating: R

Author's Notes: Okay, so I actually found the time to finish a chapter� It�s amazing� Sorry it�s been so long. I�ve been busy with college and all� Essays, exams� It�s been crazy� Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I�m not exactly sure how I feel about it, but I�m always like that� Also, thanks to everybody who reviewed�

Distribution: If ya want it, take it, just give me credit� And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.

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Chapter 2: Where You Want To Be?

When she saw him standing there before her, she couldn�t believe it� At the very least, she had expected to be given a night to prepare for this. She had thought that she would get there, check into a hotel, and in the morning, she would go out and find the address Dawn had given her�

But here he was�

�Spike?� she questioned softly, tears suddenly rushing to her eyes. She did everything she could to hold them back. She was not going to cry in front of him. Not now.

When he saw her eyes well, he wanted nothing more than to gather her into his arms and hold her close until those tears faded� But he couldn�t do that. After all, he hadn�t been the one to leave. It had been her, and now it had to be her again. He refused to be the one to make the first move�

�Buffy?� he choked out, his voice heavy with emotion.

�Hi�� she murmured meekly, her eyes meeting his only briefly before dropping to the floor. Already, she felt the need to run� This was going to be a lot harder than she had originally thought�

�Buffy�� his voice was soft and gentle, though confused. �What�re you doing here, love?�

Upon hearing him call her �love�, she let a tiny smile slip onto her lips, and once again she met his eyes. �I�m not sure, really. I just� I know that after what I did to you, you probably didn�t ever want to see me again, but I really just need to talk to you.�

Her eyes were pleading and she looked to be near tears, which was something he had never been able to handle particularly well. As much as he wanted to, however, he didn�t move to take her into his arms. They weren�t together anymore. They hadn�t spoken in nearly three years� It wasn�t his e toe to offer comfort� But he knew he, too, needed to speak with her� There were a lot of things they needed to discuss� A lot of issues that needed to be worked through, before the two of them could go back to the lives they were trying to lead. So instead, he simply gave her a gentle smile and tilted his head in the direction of his room.

Grateful, Buffy followed, a soft smile touching her own lips�

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For a long time, the two simply sat, staring at one another; neither knowing where to start�

Finally, it was Spike who broke the silence. �So� Have you been seeing anyone?� Sure, the question was forward, but he needed to know�

Suddenly, she looked more nervous than she had earlier. Her eyes darted everywhere but to his face, and she was rocking back and forth just slightly. �Yeah� I have actually.� Her voice was anything but confident. �I�ve been with Faith for almost two years now��

�Faith?� he questioned, in slight confusion. �You mean Faith� The other Slayer, Faith� The one I met before Sunnydale collapsed?� When she nodded in affirmation, his only reaction was a simple, �Wow��

�Yeah� Wow�� Buffy agreed, nodding her head slowly and continuing to avoid his eyes. Somehow, in her rush to find him, she had completely forgotten it it would be necessary to inform him of her relationship with the brunette Slayer� Someone Spike had never exactly gotten along with�

After a moment of prolonged, awkward silence, Spike broke it with a quiet, �So��, which made things no less awkward for Buffy.

Still, she was silent� Unsure of what to say. What do you say after telling your ex that you�ve been sleeping with another woman� Especially a woman who used to be one of your worst enemies� Not exactly something that�s going to bode well for her relationship with Spike.

It didn�t take her long to snap out of it, however, once she realized that he had yet to answer the same question. �What about you?� she asked then, her eyes finally raising to meet with his. �Are you seeing anyone?�

Again, the air was filled with a short uncomfortable silence, until Spike broke it very reluctantly. �Yeah�� He nodded; his words quiet. �Her name�s Sam. Been with her for about two years. She�s got three kids� Krystal, Aiden, and Alana. They�re pretty much my life now.�

�Wow�� It was the only reply that came to her mind, and she immediately smiled shyly and ducked her head when she caught his duplicate smile. She had missed him so much� But it was certainly not a comfortable situation by any means.

�Hard to believe, huh? Me, a daddy? Don�t think anybody saw that one coming.� he replied with another, more confident smile and a light chuckle.

Ducking her head shyly once more, she fidgeted slightly with her hands. �I did�� When he gave her a curious look, she smiled lightly, tears quickly forming in her eyes. �I mean, I didn�t foresee this, exactly� Obviously� But I used to dream about it. About us� Having a family. A little girl with your eyes and my hair� And a little boy with your curls and my nose� Every night I dreamt about it. About the two of us having a normal little family, in a house with a white picket fence�� For a moment she paused, her eyes lifting to lock with his. �Did you ever wish for that?�

When he was silent, his eyes soft with sympathy, she laughed lightly, a hint of bitterness breaking through. �Or maybe I was the only one who saw it� Who wanted it� Because I did you know? More thaythiything, I wanted it� But we were never given that chance. Probably never will be. Especially now� But I wanted it�� For a short moment, she paused, looking thoughtful, and then, out of nowhere, she locked eyes with him, her voice turning soft and questioning. �Are you where you want to be?�

There was so much sadness in her voice� So much pain it her eyes� It tore him apart to see her this way. To watch her sitting there in front of him and know that nothing could come of them� Not ever again. Now, in his new lihe whe was happy. Of course there were times when he missed her like crazy. Who wouldn�t? She was strong, beautiful, confident� She was everything he had ever wanted� But so was Sam. And Sam hadn�t been the one to walk out on him. For years she had stuck by him, helping him through his pain as best she could and he owed her for that� And the kids� He couldn�t just leave them all behind to run into the arms of his former love� He couldn�t�

But that didn�t stop him from wishing�

�Buffy, I love her.� He began gently, his voice sympathetically soothing. �Maybe not as much as I love you, but I do love her. And I owe her too much to just walk out now��

�So you�re settling�� she stated, her voice cold and unfeeling. �You�re settling for her because you couldn�t have me� Well, guess what, Spike! I�m right here! I�m here and I love you, and I want you to come back to me��

�This isn�t only about you, Buffy! It�s so much more than that!� he exclaimed angrily, propelling himself from his seat and beginning to pace rapidly across the floor. �This time, for me, it has to come back to Sam� And have you even considered how Faith is going to feel?! Honestly, Buffy, I thought you were over this �it�s-all-about-me� phase. I have been helpings wos woman raise three children. I have been by her side for two years. I have been doing everything in my power to help her out of the depression that she fell into after her husband died� I love her! Buffy, you may not like it, but this time, yes� This time, I�m settling� I can�t just leave her.�

Angrily, Buffy stood; stepping into his path and stopping him in his tracks. �You think I haven�t considered how Faith is going to feel about this?! I�ve spent the last two years keeping myself from hunting you down simply because of the pain it would�ve caused her! I tried everything, everything to keep you off of my mind and out of my heart, but no matter what I did� No matter how hard I tried, you were always there! Every night I would dream about you� About that night� About where you were� About us� About what could�ve been� Every night you were there, haunting my dreams! Every night!� she exclaimed, her t on on the verge of pouring down her pretty cheeks. Suddenly, her voice got quiet and her eyes dropped to the floor as she murmured her final argument, her body dropping limply to the couch behind her. �I don�t know if I can live without you��

When he heard her say those words, his eyes fell to the ground as they clouded with tears. He knew exactly how she felt. Knew what it was like to want nothing more than to let go, because the one you loved was incapable of returning that love. Knew what it was like to lose the only person in the world who meant more to you than anything� And he knew that he was ripping her heart to shreds right now� He loved her more than anything and the fact that there was nothing he could do to keep himself from hurting her right now killed him� But no matter how much he loved Buffy, he couldn�t walk out on Sam� Not now�

�Don�t say that.� he murmured softly, looking up at her.

As she finished wiping away the tears that were spilling down her cheeks, her eyes swept up to meet his. What else could she say? It was exactly what she was feeling. �I know you don�t want to hear this, and I swear I�m not trying to guilt you into giving in, it�s just� I miss you, Spike. And I hate this. I hate knowing that it�s my fault you�re gone. That I�m the one who broke your heart and walked away, and now it�s too late. I love you so much, and yet I pushed you away� Pushed you into the arms of another woman, and I can�t take that back anymore, no matter how much I want to� You�re in love with and and I missed my chance. I get that��

As she finished speaking, she slowly stood, wiping violently at the tears that kept spilling from her eyes. Straightening her clothes and gathering her bearings, she quickly made a move for the door, and the moment she did, Spike�s hand shot out to stop her; latching on to her arm and holding her there.

�Where�re you goin he he questioned gently.

�This was a mistake.� she told him; her tone firm, though her eyes betrayed her. �I never should�ve come here� Never should�ve thought this could work. I had this fantastic idea in my head that I�d knock on your door, and you�d sweep me into your arms and kiss me senseless and we wouldn�t need words. Like this was some damn fairytale fantasy, and your life wouldn�t have changed a bit, and youust ust be sitting here waiting for me to run back iyouryour arms� God! How stu--�

She didn�t get the chance to finish what she was saying, as Spike pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply. Immediately, she fell against him, returning the kiss with enthusiasm. However, it didn�t take long for her to realize exactly what was happening and once she had, she quickly pulled away from him, her eyes wide with question. Hadn�t he just gotten through telling her that they could never be? And now here he was kissing her breathless and holding her like she was everything.

�What is this?!� she questioned, her voice full of hurt and anger. If this was just some attempt at revenge, she wasn�t going to take it. If he was going to kiss her like that, it was damn sure going to mean something, because she refused to be taken advantage of. Not now. Not with him. Not when she loved him more than her own life�

For a moment, his eyes registered shock, and then they dropped to the floor, as he suddenly became aware of what exactly he had just done. He hadn�t meant to do that� Not that he hadn�t wanted to more than anything, but he refused to lead her on. As much as he loved Buffy, Sam was his world now�

�I�m sorry�� he quickly amended softly. �I shouldn�t have� I didn�t mean to� God, Buffy, I�m sorry��

Gently, she pressed her fingers against his lips to silence him. She didn�t want an apology; she wanted an explanation� �What is this?� This time her voice was soft, gentle� pleading. She needed to know�

�God� I don�t know�� he told her, choking back the tears that threatened to overcome him. �All I know is I miss you. I miss you, and I want you, and love you� But I can�t have you. Not like this. Not now� And it�s killing me��

She watched as he collapsed onto the couch; head back, arm thrown across his eyes� And in that nt, nt, she couldn�tte ute understand exactly what he was telling her, because he was here and she was standing t int in front of him and all shew wew was that he had just told her that he missed her and he wanted her and he loved her�

�Why?� her voice was soft, soothing, as she sat beside him, reaching for his hand and pulling it away from his eyes; holding it is hers. �Why not like this? Why not now? Spike I know you love me� I love you, too. And I know you�vved ved on� I know you have a brand new life now. So do I� But why not tonight? Just tonight� All I�m asking for is one night� One chance to show you that I really do mean it when I tell you I love you�� Gently, she kissed the palm of his hand; her fingers coming to rest on his cheek, her thumb gently caressing. �One night, Spike� Just one� Let me show you��

Strangely, the emotions in his eyes weren�t nearly as conflicting as she had thought they would be. It only took a moment before his eyes swept up to meet hers, and all she saw there was vulnerability. After a moment, he took a deep breath, before letting a tiny smile slip onto his lips.

�Do you really mean it?� The question was soft, his voice full of the insecurities that he had held inside for nearly four years� Ever since Sunnydale had collapsed around him� �Do you really love me?�

With a small smile of her own, she scooted closer to him; her lips brushing his softly. �More than life itself� Now let me show you�� she murmured against his lips, before she closed the distance between them once more; this time kissing him with everything she had in her. It was slow and sweet and at the same time passionate and demanding as she moved to straddle him, pressing her body to his; begging him to let her in.

When she felt him pushing her away just slightly, she let him go; preparing herself for the worst, fully expecting him to push her off of him and order her out of his life forever. She was surprised, however, when his hands held firmly to her hips and kissed her gently once more in reassurance.

�Bedroom.� he murmured softly, as he reached up to brush her hair from her eyes; his hand coming to rest at her cheek. �Not gonna make love to you for the first time here on some crummy couch� I want it to be perfect��

Tears filled her eyes, and she turned her head just slightly to kiss his palm once more; a smile lighting her pretty features. �I love you�� she whispered, resting her forehead against his.

�Love you, too, baby� Always��

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Still Holding On