Entropy Re-played

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Never leave me again

She wrapped her arms tighter around the sobbing vampire and held him till his cries subsided. ~ I'm just a monster. Why is she helping me? I shouldn't have come back here. ~

"Buffy...do you need some help with him?" Xander asked walking closer to the couple. ~ She looks so lost. ~

"Could you help me get him up?" She looked up with pleading eyes. "I want to take him somewhere to clean him up." ~ I need to help him. It's my fault. He did this for me. ~

"Why don't we take him to your place? You have everything we'll need. The girls will run to the butcher's and get some blood and we'll fix Ole Spike up good." Xander smiled gently at Buffy.

Xander helped Buffy get Spike to his feet. She cringed as she saw the unhealed gouges and burn marks littering his beautiful body. ~ Oh Spike... ~ She sighed silently.
~~~~~`

Spike sat on the toilet lid and let Buffy fuss over him. He closed his eyes and let himself be soothed by her touch. ~ Only time she's ever been gentle. ~ Spike thought bitterly.

Soft warm hands grazing his skin, touching each wound lightly. Buffy gently placed bandages over the open cuts and abrasions. ~ Spike I'm so sorry, I didn't know you'd... ~

"You know Luv, I don't need you to do this. I'll heal just fine..." He said softly, eyes still slammed shut.
~ Why do I keep begging for rejection? ~

"I want to." She said softly. Buffy lightly traced the hand shaped burn in his chest. "How did you do it? How'd you get your soul back?" She whispered.

"Saw a man about a girl. I went to seek a legend out. Traveled to the other side of the world, made a deal with a demon." Spike gasped when she laid her palm flat against the now healing hand shaped burn mark in his chest.

"Just like that?" She questioned.

"No, not just like that. There was a price. There were trials, torture, pain and suffering... of sorts." Spike growled softly as her hand brushed innocently across a deep bruise.

"Of sorts?" Buffy quickly withdrew her hand.

"Well, it's all relative, isn't it?" Spike asked grabing her hand and placing it on top of the mark again. "Makes the voices and the hurt stop when you touch me." He whispered.

~ I make the pain stop? ~ Buffy's lip quivered at his words. "Meaning?"

"Meaning I have come to redefine the words pain and suffering since I fell in love with you." Spike said softly. He opened his eyes, staring straight into hers.

"How can you say that?" She asked.

~~~~~`

"I've never seen Buffy so upset." Willow whispered.

"I mean that's just...Spike seeking his soul for her that's just...Wow." Xander said softly.

"Do you think she's gonna..."

"I think she's in love with him Will, and as much as I hate to say this...I think we should support any decision she makes." Xander said softly.

"She's always supported us...no matter what we've done. Buffy deserves some happiness too...if she can find it with Spike...who are we to say anything about it?"
~~~~~`

"As bad as I was, as evil and as wretched as I was, I never truly hated myself back then. Not like I do now." Spike closed his eyes again and leaned back. "I tried to make you believe your place was in the darkness with *me*, but I have seen your soul Buffy, you are the light sweetness, I was so selfish."

Buffy stood in front of him. She wanted to put her arms around him and hold him.

"Kill me." He said softly spreading his arms. His soul was tormenting him, telling him he was worthless. ~ I shouldn't have come back here. ~

"What?" Buffy questioned. ~ Please don't ask me to do that. I can't. ~

"Buffy, you have to kill me. Do you have any idea what I'm capable of?" He asked. "I'm talking about me. Buffy, you have never met the real me." Spike said softly. "That night, the night I left I wanted to...Buffy I wanted to..."

"Believe me, I'm well aware of what you're capable of."

"No, you got off easy. Do you know how much blood you can drink from a girl before she'll die? I do. You see, the trick is to drink just enough to know how to damage them just enough so that they..." Spike broke off as tears choked him. He saw every single one. "Buffy I came so close to forcing you..."

Buffy stood staring at him. "But Spike you didn't...you left. And you went and fought for your soul..."

"But I wanted to...Have you ever really asked yourself why you can't do it? Off me? After everything I've done to you, to people around you. It's not love. We both know that. You've reminded me enough times."

~ You're wrong! It's all about love. I'm just too scared to tell you. Buffy plus Love equals disaster. ~ Buffy thought sadly. "You fought by my side. You've saved lives. You've helped..."

"Don't do that.Don't rationalize this into some noble act. We both know the truth of it."

"That's not true. Listen to me. You're not alive because of hate or pain. You're alive because I've seen you change. Because I've seen your penance...Spike I..." She looked into his eyes.

"Window dressing." He growled. 'There is nothing good or clean in you.' Her words ripped through his conciousness causing him to cringe.

"Be easier, wouldn't it, it if were an act, but it's not. You faced the monster inside of you and you fought back. You risked everything to be a better man."

"Buffy..."

"And you can be. You are. You don't see it right now, but I do. I do. I believe in you, Spike...I love you." She whispered softly leaning in to kiss him.

Spike reached up and cupped her cheek. "No. You don't but thanks for sayin' it." He whispered. ~ She can't love me. Love? No bloody way. She wouldn't love a monster like me. ~

Spike stood up.

"Spike? Are you ok? Wh..where are you going?" She asked, tears in her voice. "Spike? Please..."

"Really, I'm all right. Think I still dream of a crypt for two with a white picket fence? My eyes are clear." Spike sighed. "Never much cared for picket fences, anyway. Bloody dangerous. I should move on. Leave town. Don't know why I came back here..."

"No, you have to stay." Buffy cried. ~ Don't leave me again. I couldn't bear it. ~

"Is that right? Why's that then?" Spike asked not daring to look at her.

"'Cause I'm not ready for you to not be here."

"I need to rest Slayer..." Spike said wearily. "I have to heal..."

"Stay. I want you to have my bed." She said softly.

"I can't take your bed." Spike said opening the bathroom door.

"Spike...you can and you will. You went and did this for me...at least..." Buffy let the tears fall freely. "At least let me take care of you while you heal."

Spike nodded, to tired to fight.
~~~~~`

Buffy led him to her room. She pulled back the blankets on her bed so Spike could climb in.

"What's *that* doing in your bed?" He growled seeing his duster spread under her sheets.

"I..." Buffy let the tears flow. She couldn't stop them. "When you were gone...I ...It was the only thing I had left of yours...It smells like you" She sobbed quietly.

"Slayer..." Spike growled.

"I'm sorry Spike...It's just that...I have been so stupid."


"Don't say that Luv..." Spike reached out and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. "Don't cry kitten...I..." Spike sighed. ~ Can't take it when you cry. ~

"I can't help but cry Spike...I see this mess that is my life and I just..." Buffy sniffled. "We'll talk later. I'm gonna go and see if they brought you some blood...you'll need it to heal. Just get into bed."

Spike sat down on the edge and Buffy helped him remove his boots. Spike lay back on her bed and inhaled her scent. ~ Love you so much Buffy. ~
~~~~~`

"How is he?" Willow asked jumping up from the couch as soon as she saw Buffy.

"He'll un-live." She said with a sad smile.

"Is it?...Is he gonna be ok?" Xander asked.

"Yeah. Vampire healing and all that. Did you get him some blood?" She asked.

"Yeah...It's in the fridge." Willow said softly. "We went to Willy's and got him human blood. I thought it would help him heal faster." Willow said hugging her best friend gently.

"He...he doesn't believe me Will..." Buffy whispered. A fresh torrent of tears taking over.

"It'll be Ok Buffy...He loves you, you guys will work it out." Xander said softly wrapping both girls in his arms.

"I don't know..." Buffy sobbed.
~~~~~`
.
Buffy walked into her room. She was calmer now that she had talked to her friends.

Buffy brought up the mug of blood and placed it on her night stand. She looked down on the sleeping vampire.

His face was like exquisidley chisled marble, his eyelashes casting shadow on his pale cheeks, His normally platinum hair was dark at the roots, loose waves around his head.

Buffy reached out a finger and stroked his scared eyebrow. ~ He looks so innocent. ~

Spike purred in his sleep when she touched him. ~ My touch makes him purr. ~ Buffy thought happily. "Spike?...Spike you need some blood..." Buffy said softly. She shook him lightly.

"'M awake luv." Spike said opening one eye. "I woke up when you entered the room. Vampire yeah?"

He sat up against the headboard, rubbing his face with his hands. The sheet that was covering him fell to his waist.

Buffy looked at his sculpted batered body. She sat gently on the edge of the bed and grabbed the mug off of the table. She held it out to him and Spike took it.

Their fingers brushed one another and Buffy felt a jolt shoot through her.

"You don't have to wait while I drink this. You shouldn't have to see the monster."

"Spike I do want to...and I need to..."
~~~~~`

"Feel like stepping outside onto the porch? We can sit out there for a while and look at the stars..." Buffy offered the next evening after the sun had set.

""Kay, could I have a smoke?" He asked standing getting out of bed.

"Yeah...I picked up a pack for you today when I went shopping, there's also some fresh blood and a bottle of Jack." She smiled at him.

Spike looked at her startled. "You got me..."

"Come on fang face...let's go." She was smiling as she grabbed him by the hand and led him to the porch.
~~~~~`

Spike lit up a smoke and took a deep drag. "Mmm...missed this." Spike sighed softly. "Cept i'm not under the tree this time." Spike said nodding at the tree he'd spent alot of time under.

"You'll never be on the outside looking in again." Buffy said softly. She galnced quickly at her watch.
~ Where the hell are they? ~

She glanced up a Spike. He had his head cocked to one side and was listening intently.

"What?" She asked.

"Do you hear that?" He asked suspiciously.

"Hear what?" She demanded.

"It sounds like..." Spike paused. 'The day you suss out what you do want, there'll probably be a parade. Seventy-six bloody trombones.' His own words played over in his head. "Slayer did you...?"

"I figured out what I want Spike. You." She said looking into his eyes. "Spike...if this is going to work between us..."

"There is no us Slayer. You don't love me...and I don't deserve you."

"...I have loved you for a long time. I was just scared...of so many things...mostly the intensity of what I felt for you. I tricked myself into thinking you were what I let myself believe cause I didn't think anyone would accept that I was really in love with you."

"Buffy..."

"But now I know better, and I really don't care what they think...I figured it out while you were gone Spike... I want to be with you...we can take it slow...but I am *not* gonna let you leave me. Not when I know how much you love me." Her face was a mask of determination. "The whole time you were gone I was miserable..."

"Buffy..."

She looked up and smiled as the parade passed her house. "Look Spike. I am offering us a chance. A chance to be happy. I know you can make me happy, truthfully when they - my friends - pulled me out of heaven I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. Then there was you."

Spike reached up and grabbed her hand, pulling her closer.

"Spike...When you touch me...I feel alive." Buffy leaned in and kissed him. Gently at first. She licked gently at his lips seeking entrance.

Spike growled softly pulling her into his lap he opend his mouth and allowed her in.

Buffy snaked her arms around his neck and held on for dear life. She felt her fingers entwining in his hair and smiled into his mouth.

"Buffy...I've missed you so much...never thought you'd ever let me touch you again..."

"Spike...it feels so good so *right* to be here with you. Just...Spike please don't leave me." She said softly resting her head on his shoulder. "Why don't you go inside, I'll do quick patrol and meet you back here ok?" She asked kissing him softly again.

Spike nodded. "Anything you want Buffy. I promise I'll never leave you again." He whispered softly.
~~~~~`

Spike lay in Buffy's bed contemplating. ~ I am the luckiest bloke in the world. I've got the woman I love, in love with me and wanting to work things out. So why the bloody hell am I so terrified?" He wondered.

It was with that thought in his head that he drifted off to sleep.
~~~~~`

TBC...? I donno...do you want more? My muse still has some ideas...let me know if you wanna hear them.