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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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Faith never came back to the library and my new ability freaked everyone out so much they wouldn’t be around me anymore. Giles is in total research mode because I’m starting to get this headache that won’t go away and being around a lot of people at once hurts. Their thoughts are so loud and I can feel all of their emotions flooding through.
I think Faith might have opened some kind of door or something because it started right after she left. But hopefully I’ll be able to forget about all of that now that I’m home. The school day isn’t over but Giles thought it would be best if I got some rest so he called my mom, filled her in on the situation and now I’m lying in bed in my cow pajamas. Faith is in her room and mom is downstairs with Sam.
Even though I’m completely alone I can hear their thoughts even all the way from here. Mom is worried about me, hoping one day I’ll be able to retire from slaying and just be a normal girl but I know that’s not going to happen. Sam is trying to figure out if she likes peanut butter or jelly more and she can’t make up her mind. On the one hand peanut butter feels cool because it sticks to your tongue but jelly is sweet like candy. For being only three she makes some pretty good points.
Faith’s thoughts are louder and overpowering the others’. She’s worried. She’s worried about Sam. She’s afraid Sam doesn’t feel loved, doesn’t feel like she’s getting enough attention. She’s worried Sam is going to grow up damaged because of everything Tanner put them through. Most of all she’s worried Sam will be damaged and will hate her if Faith does move out and takes her away from my mom and me.
She’s worried about being alone. She’s afraid no one is ever going to love her. She thinks I lied to her. That I told her what she wanted to hear so I could be the one in control. She knows deep down that it isn’t true but she can’t help but think it. She’s afraid of being abandoned. She thinks I’m going to ‘come to my senses’ and find someone else. Someone who’s not a high school dropout single mom who doesn’t even have a job or a future.
She’s been thinking all of that and I’ve just been lying here listening. I don’t know what else to do. She’s still pissed that I never said anything and she thinks I don’t really love her. How am I supposed to convince her that I do? How am I supposed to explain to her that I’m not going to leave, that I plan on going to US Sunnydale so I can stay close to her and Sam and my mom? How am I supposed to convince her that I care about Sam and the thought of not seeing her every day breaks my heart? I don’t know, and it’s making my head hurt even more.
Who the fuck do you think you are? I hear her think, and there’s so much anger in her voice and makes me cringe. She could be whatever the fuck she wants and you’re just holding her back. She’s gonna hate you for it. If she doesn’t go to college like she should just to be with your stupid ass one day she’ll wake up and regret it and she’ll hate you. Ok, that’s enough. I can’t just lie here anymore and listen to this. She needs to know the truth and she’s not going to get that if I don’t say anything.
I get up and change into a light blue tank top and some cotton pajama bottoms. If I’m going to have this talk with Faith I can’t be dressed as a dairy cow or she’ll never take me seriously. She probably won’t anyway because she’s so convinced I don’t really want her and we could never work as a couple. I have no idea how I’m going to how her otherwise because once Faith sets her mind to something there’s no changing it. I have to try, though. I love her too much to just sit back and watch this fade away no matter how small it may be.
Yeah, we’re keeping it a secret and only Willow knows about some of what’s been going on, but that’s only temporary. When we finally stop these vampires and she gets over Tanner completely and things go back to normal we’ll let everyone know what’s been going on. My mom will probably never leave us in the house alone ever again but we’ll deal. We’re teenagers, finding a secret place to be intimate is something we’re born to do.
I quietly walk down the hall and stand in front of Faith’s door. I’m not trying to be sneaky so she won’t hear me. I’m being sneaky so my mom won’t hear me. If she thinks something’s wrong she’ll come up to check on me and that will chase away all the courage I’ve been working so hard to build up so I can make it through that door. Maybe I should just take off in the middle of the night. Get away quiet and clean. That would be best for everyone. No messy goodbyes. I hear her think and my heart breaks a little. She’s too caught up in her thoughts to feel me out here and I know she didn’t hear me because she’s listening to music.
So this is it: do or die, now or never. Epic love that burns so bright it outshines the sun or growing up to be a lonely spinster with too many cats with names like Ringo and Bootsy. I take a deep breath and slowly turn the knob. I don’t bother knocking because I know she’ll just tell me to go away and if I hear that before I see her I’ll lose my resolve. If I lose that now I might never get the chance to know this right. Just the thought of that makes me want to fall to my knees and cry.
I open the door and I see her sitting on her bed. Her ankles are crossed, her body is tense and she’s crying. Not sobbing or anything like that but she’s got these big tears running down her face and her makeup is smeared and she’s sniffling a lot. She glances over at me and as soon as she sees it’s me her eyes tense and form a glare so mean if I were a cat I’d be running away with no skin. But I’m not a cat, I’m a Buffy, and it’s going to take more than a dirty look to get me to back off.
“Did you come in to gloat?” she asks and she sounds so bitter. She slowly wipes her tears away and I walk in and shut the door. The song she’s listening to ends but starts up again. It must have some special meaning if she has it on repeat. “Come to find out all my big, dark secrets and scare the monsters away?” Every angry word is like a knife to the heart but I don’t leave.
“No,” I tell her and walk further into the room. She tenses more but I’m not going to leave. She needs to hear this or we won’t stand a chance of making things right. Even if I do say this we might not be able to, but I have to try. “I came in here to say I’m sorry. I should have said something sooner, clued you guys in as soon as you walked in the door or this morning when I was brushing my teeth.” Her eyes go wide and she looks shocked and pissed enough to kill.
“You heard what I was thinking and you didn’t say anything?” she asks and she sounds so pissed that every nerve ending in my body is screaming at me to run away. I fight the urge and sit on the edge of her bed. I let out a small sigh and nod my head yes. “What the fuck, B?” Her voice is getting louder and that needs to not happen or my mom will come up here. If that happens we’ll never finish this talk and that’s the worst thing that could happen right now.
“I didn’t know for sure if I was really hearing voices or not, ok? I woke up and I heard Sam singing the Tiny Toon Adventures theme song and then she started thinking about wanting a rabbit. I heard you thinking about my pout and how you think it’s sexy, but I wasn’t sure if those were real thoughts or if I was just going crazy,” I say and she looks a little less pissed off now. “If I could tune it out I would but I can’t shut it off. If it’s any consolation I heard my mom think about how lonely she is and how much she needs a boyfriend.” She laughs a little and wipes the rest of her tears away.
“That does make me feel a little better,” she says and her body is a little more relaxed. Well, her tense version of relaxed anyway. I’m starting to get tense because I need to bring up what she was thinking in the library and what she’s been thinking about in here. Ok, I just need to stop being such a coward and say it because things are starting to get awkward and if one of us doesn’t say something I might have to destroy her stereo because my God that song is getting on my nerves.
“I didn’t just come in here to apologize,” I say and she looks at me with dread in her eyes. I guess she knows what I’m about to say. Please, fuck no, don’t bring it up. Yep, I guess she knows. “Faith, this thing between us I know it’s really hard right now and it seems impossible that we could be happy but I love you. This isn’t a fling, I don’t want you just for sex, and I planned on applying to UC Sunnydale before I even knew I have feelings for you so I’m not going to run off and leave you for…what’s a beefstick?” She gets a suggestive look on her face and I now unfortunately know what that means.
“B, I know you love me but this thing between us, whatever the hell it is, all it’s doing is bringing us down and making shit between us really fuckin bad. I can’t have that around Sam anymore.” She sounds like she’s about to start crying again and it breaks my heart. I lean forward and hold onto her hands and she has tears welling up in her eyes. Seeing her like this is killing me. I need to make it better. I need to fix this right now.
“It’s bad now because we’re trying to keep it a secret and I’m having a really hard time dealing with that. Things are going to get better, Faith, we just have to tough this part out and they’ll be better,” I tell her and her tears start to fall. I reach out with one hand and gently cup her cheek. She’s so beautiful, even when she’s crying. God I’m so fucking stupid. Look at me, I’m a total mess. Just a fucked up loser like my dad always said I was gonna be.
“Please stop thinking like that,” I say and choke back a sob. I don’t know why I didn’t know this before, why I never saw it but Faith is the saddest, loneliest person I’ve ever met. “You’re not a stupid, fucked up loser. I would never let anyone say that about the woman I’m in love with, what makes you think you can?” I smile a little and she smiles back but it doesn’t reach her eyes. Maybe I’ll just start singing whenever you’re around. That’ll keep ya out of my mind.
“You can try but I don’t think it’ll work. I’m Buffy, you can’t resist me,” I tell her and she gets a dirty smirk on her face. The tears have stopped and even though her face is all puffy and red from crying to me she still looks amazing, like always. She slowly runs her fingertips up my arms until they reach my neck. Then slowly down my throat, between my breasts until they’re resting on my hips. My whole body feels tingly and my skin is covered in goosebumps. I hate how she has so much control over me.
“No, I guess I can’t,” she says with that dirty smirk still pulling at her lips. Her dimples are peeking out but not on full display. I can’t resist her but can she resist me? She’s probably gonna run for the hills when she realizes what she’s getting into. Why would she want to give up her life to help me raise my kid? That doesn’t make any fuckin sense. I let out a little sigh and lean forward and kiss her. It’s tense from the start. Teeth and tongues clashing and pulling, but it ends way too soon.
“Faith, I need to tell you something. Something important,” I say and rest my forehead against hers. I wrap my arms around her back and she pulls me closer to her. So close that the only way to sit comfortably is to straddle her lap. That’s perfectly ok with me. She looks worried, like I’m about to give her some bad news, but this is nothing but good.
“What is it, B?” she asks and starts blazing a hot trail with her fingertips. Up my spine then down my back, she firmly cups my ass and repeats the whole thing over again. My breathing gets a little heavier because she’s not playing fair. She’s going under my clothes, running her fingertips along my sensitive skin and she can play unfair all day as long as she doesn’t stop doing this. “B?” Oh right, I’m supposed to be saying stuff. I reach back and pull her hands away from me. I can’t concentrate long enough to say this if she’s groping me.
“This morning in the library when you said you were going to look for your own place,” I say and her expression changes. She looks defensive, and trust me that’s never a good thing with Faith. I need to hurry up and say something or this is going to turn into a fight. “If you want your won place that’s your choice but I want you to know that when you said that a piece of my heart broke. Not just because you would be leaving but just the thought of not seeing Samantha every day hurt’s my heart.” Faith’s entire body is tense and she’s not breathing. Crap, what am I supposed to do?
“I guess what I’m trying to say is, I love you and not just you but the whole package. Your little girl is amazing and I care about her a lot. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time when it’s my turn to baby sit but that doesn’t change the fact that I want you both in my life for as long as you’ll have me.” Ok, that was a lot of talking and she’s still not moving or breathing. Doesn’t she get she can just say shit like that? This is my kid she’s talking about. She can’t just say shit like that about Sammy to pull my strings. That’s so fuckin out of line.
“Do you mean that?” she asks and I don’t think she’s ever sounded more vulnerable than right now. Ok, so she has sounded more vulnerable. She sounded really vulnerable after Tanner beat the living hell out of her and I made him leave, but the point is I need to be really careful or this is going to turn into a fight. I wrap my arms around her neck, and she wraps her around my back. She’s irritated and suspicious but she’s not rejecting contact so that’s good. Things might not be as bad as I thought.
“Yes, I mean it,” I tell her and the look in her eyes is starting to soften. I can hear her thoughts racing through her mind. All of her truth before she filters it the way she wants me to hear it, if she wants me to hear it at all. I might as well do the same for her. “I know this is going to sound a little crazy and I’m getting way ahead of myself, but one day I can picture us being a family together.” She looks a little shocked but I was expecting that. “Sam already calls my mom Grams so I don’t think she would have it any other way.” That makes Faith smile and she gently rubs my back.
“Yeah, Sam can be stubborn. I don’t know where she gets that from,” she says with a smirk on her face. I chuckle a little bit, and she kisses me. You have no idea how good it feels to kiss her. After thinking I was never going to get to do this again, having her lips pressed against mine is the best feeling in the world. I know that our problems are not over with and it’s going to take a lot of work before we can honestly say we’re happy, but sitting here in her arms I feel like our problems aren’t bigger than us.
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Know Who I Am