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Heart's Desire	By : PencilNeck Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 9582 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 28
- 29
- 30
Chapter 29:� Please, Please Let Me
Get What I Want

It�s warm.� Soft and comfortable.�
Faith drifts in this in-between space, content and quiet.� Her mind is blank; her body is no longer a
concern.� Everything is safe.� Everything is nice.� Everything is silence and peace.� No guilt, no fear.� No voices in her head�� No voices��

No Buffy.�

The loss rips her into consciousness with a
scream.� She�s pulled back into the
physical, back into her frail, shredded body.�
Panic and pain sear through her mind. �Her eyes open to the brightness of the day,
quickly taking in the details of the room.�
The dark wood beams of the ceiling.�
The stone walls and stained glass.� Her denim jacket hooked over the bedpost
where she left it.� An
array of cards and flowers on her desk.�
The I.V.�s dangling from a perch above her head.

None of it penetrates.� None of it matters.� All that registers is that she�s alone.�

********************

Buffy checks her watch, biting her lip.� She leans in the doorway, hidden at the back.� When she�s here, she feels guilty for not
being with Faith.� When she�s with Faith,
she�s guilty about not being here.� So
she ends up compromising, and feeling guilty about both at the same time.

A girl, no more than sixteen, is up at the
podium.� Buffy thinks her name is Paula.

��my best friend.�
She was loud, and told the best knock-knock jokes, and left her socks on
the floor.� She smiled and laughed a
lot.�� Paula breaks off, clearing her
throat.� �Grace helped me� with my
training, and with other stuff.� Y�know, life stuff.��
Paula gives the group a little, painful smile.� �She was brave.� She was a good person.� And a great slayer.� I� I guess that�s all.��

A hand on her shoulder forces Buffy�s attention away
from the girl.� Giles is standing close
beside her, reaching for his glasses.

�What is it?��
Buffy�s whisper can�t hide her worry.�
�Is it Faith?� Did she��

�Buffy.�� He
matches her volume.� �As far as I know,
Faith�s condition is the same.�

�What do you mean, as far as you know?�� Buffy hisses.�
�It�s your shift!� Someone�s
supposed to be there when she wakes up!�

�I know that.�
I didn�t expect�� Giles
sighs.� �I received an urgent call from Cleveland.� It seems��

�None of you really got a chance to know her.�� The shy, quiet voice wavers.� �I guess that�s my fault.� I kinda kept her
all for myself��

Buffy and Giles turn their heads to the familiar
voice.�

�She wasn�t a slayer.� But she was really smart.� She understood stuff�� Dawn doesn�t know how
to say everything she wants to. ��She was
my friend.� She came here to help me, and
even though she was shy and didn�t know anyone, she always somehow managed to
make things better for everyone.�

Buffy�s heart aches.�
Dawn looks so� alone.

�Emma saved my life.�
She was so scared.�� Dawn�s voice
cracks, then breaks.�
Tears well and slip past her cheeks. She fights to get the words past
her throat.� �She was��

Buffy tries to go to Dawn, to help her, to hug her
and make it all better.� Giles holds her
back.

�Giles, let me go!�� Buffy�s tears are threatening to fall.� �I should be there for her.�

He doesn�t answer.�
He simply gestures to the stage, where Willow has stepped up behind Dawn.

�She was special.��
Dawn gives in to her sorrow, spilling out simple truths with her
sobs.� �She was my friend.� She was��
Willow
envelops Dawn in her arms, guiding her off the stage.�

�Not who she claimed to be.�� Giles finishes Dawn�s sentence a little
differently.� He gives Buffy a knowing
look.

�What?�� The
information isn�t sticking in Buffy�s head.�

�I made some inquiries to Cleveland regarding her
next of kin.�� Giles takes a deep
breath.� �In case she had family who may
have wanted to take her home��

�We do that for all the girls.�� Buffy�s not catching on.� �What�s the big?�

�They erm�� Giles clears his throat.� �They had no records.� No paperwork.�
And not one person could remember her.�

�How is that even possible?�� Buffy�s whisper becomes harsher.� �We�re supposed to be secure!�

�We are.��
Giles looks at her meaningfully.�
�Emma had all the necessary credentials when we brought her here.� Now that she�s gone��

Buffy bows her head, absorbing.� After a good few moments, she lifts her head
to Giles, her face wet with tears.�
�Giles, was it her?� Do you think
maybe it could have been her?�

�There�s no way to be certain.�� Giles fumbles in his pocket for his
handkerchief.� �Emma herself didn�t seem
to have known anything about Ta-...�

�Then it doesn�t matter.� Buffy wipes her eyes and
nose on her sleeve.� �Whoever she was,
she saved Dawn.� That�s enough for me.�

�Rightly so.�� Giles offers his hanky, too late.��

�I have to get back�� Buffy remembers something, rolling her eyes
to stop more tears.� �Dawn was right.�

�Pardon me?��

�Dawn was right.��
Buffy turns, walking backwards.� �She
was a gift.�� She spins around again and
walks away.

Giles raises his handkerchief, removing his
glasses.� Wipes quickly
under his eyes.� Watches Buffy go.�
With a glance upward, he replaces his glasses, leaning against the stone
wall with a sigh.

�Indeed.�

********************

Buffy quietly closes the heavy wooden door.� She leans her head against it for a moment,
her hand still resting on the knob.

�Rough day?��

It�s barely a sound at all.� But Buffy�s head whips around in shock.

�Faith?�� Buffy smiles her million watt smile.� �You�re awake!�� She has an overwhelming urge to cry, to
laugh, to jump up and down on the bed and start singing.� Instead she walks to the bed and sits on the
edge.�

�Guess so.��
Faith still has no voice.� �I
thought�� She shakes her head, looking
down at herself. Her eyes move from the morphine drip to the cast on her arm to
the garish purple and blue marks on every inch of exposed skin.�

�What?�� Buffy
takes her hand.�

�I was ready, you know?� To be done.��
Faith clears her throat.� �It woulda been okay with me.�

�Not with me!��
Buffy is resolute on the matter.

�How did I�� Faith gestures around the room.

�We�re not sure.��
Buffy shrugs.� �Kennedy found
you.� Said you were
just lying there outside the tunnels.�

�That doesn�t make any sense.�� Faith thinks hard.� �I couldn�t have gotten myself out.�

��No, you
couldn�t have.�� Buffy
looks at her meaningfully.� Strokes Faith�s fingers with her thumb.

�Wow.�� Faith
ponders that.� �Divine
intervention?�

�Looks like.��
Buffy nods.�

They sit there in silence for a while.

�I can�t feel you.��
Faith�s eyes flutter for a moment.�
She yawns, wincing as the cuts and bruises stretch.� �The old tingle is there, but...�

�It�s gone.� The super-connection thingie.�� Buffy looks incredibly sad
about that.� �I tried to reach
you� and I couldn�t.��

�You were here?��
Faith�s voice is getting worse with use.

�Of course!� We were all here!� Me, Xander, Giles, Kennedy and Willow, lots
of the girls�� Buffy gently pats Faith�s
thigh.� �You were never supposed to wake
up alone.�

�I felt that!��
Faith looks down at her legs, shocked.�
�My legs!�

�Willow.��
Buffy grins.� �She did you after
she did me.�

Faith raises a brow, smirking as much as she can
through the pain.

�In a completely non-sex
way.�� Buffy rolls her eyes.� �And ew!� I was mostly dead at the time, Perv.�

�I didn�t say anything.�� Another yawn tears at the fine cuts and
scrapes on Faith�s face, the damage to her throat.� Flinching, her eyes close with the pain.

�I should go.��
Buffy�s playful voice is gone now, replaced by a caring and concerned
one.� �Let you sleep some more.�

�Stay.�� Faith
grabs Buffy�s hand in hers, mumbling.�
�It hurts less when you�re here.�

Buffy smiles, curling up on
the thin edge of the bed, grateful for a chance to rest.� Thinking about what Faith just said.� How it applies to them both.

********************

Xander�s on a mission.� A very important, take no
prisoners kind of mission.� He
imagines that his features have that grim, steely and serious look that shows
he means business.

He pushes through the double doors.� A little too steely and
determined, because they whip open and smack hard against the paneled walls.

Fifty girls whip their heads around at the noise.

�Uh, hey!� �Xander wipes his sweaty palms against his dark
jeans.� �I was um�� Sorry.�

The girls giggle and titter until a loud whistle
from the front of the room shuts them up.

�Eyes front, kiddies!�� Renee�s strong voice leads Xander�s gaze past
the throng of trainees.�

�Renee, can I see you outside?�� He�s proud that his voice doesn�t crack.

�Take five, everyone.�� Renee moves quickly to Xander�s side,
whispering at him.� �What�s wrong?�

�Outside.�� Xander escorts her through the doors, opening
and closing them more gently this time.

�What�s going on?��
Renee barely waits for the doors to close.� There�s worry in her voice.� �The way you burst in, it�s got to be
something major.�

�I think it is.��
Xander doesn�t smile, doesn�t joke.�
�There�s something you need to know.�

�What is it?�
Are we under attack?�� Renee
starts to panic, trying to read his face.�
�Is there another apocalypse?��
Her face falls.� �Oh.� No.�
It�s not�� Faith?� She didn�t��

�No, no, and Faith�s fine.�� Xander tries to regain control of the
situation.� �She woke up a few hours ago
actually.�

�Thank god.��
Renee sighs in relief.

�Apparently.�� Xander allows a brief smile.� He puts his hand on her shoulder.� �I need you to listen to me for a minute.�

Renee closes her mouth.�

�Right.�� Xander takes a breath.� �So� unh��

She raises her brow, waiting for more.

�You died.��
Xander has a mission.

�Only for a second.�� Renee defends herself.

�But you died.��
Xander emphasizes.� �And it made
me�� Um��
He takes her hand.� �So, here�s
the thing.�� He pulls her in and
decisively kisses her on the lips.� It
doesn�t take long for Renee to answer his lips with hers.� He eventually pulls away.� He has more to say.

��I don�t know
what went wrong with us before.� And I
don�t care.�� Xander stops her talking
with a finger to her lips.� �We�ll figure
it out.� We�ll fix it.� But I�m not going to let it scare us or stop
us again, whatever it is.�

�But�� Renee
looks up at him, a question in her eyes.

�You died.� I
didn�t like it.�� Xander is firm.� He pulls her tight, his voice breaking.� �Don�t do it again.�

Renee smiles, resting her head on his shoulder.� ��Kay.��

********************

�Have you gone to see her today?�� Willow
walks out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel.

�Yeah, this morning.�� Kennedy stretches out on the bed, stiff after
her workout.� �She�s looking a lot
better, thanks to you.�

�And you!�� Willow smiles.� �You
found her.�

�I nearly tripped over her.�� Kennedy frowns.� �She was just� there.� I didn�t do anything.�

�Not true!�� Willow goes to Kennedy�s
side, wrapping an arm around her girlfriend�s waist.� �You got all those people out before the
volcano went kablooey!�

�I failed!��
Kennedy stands up, pacing.� �My first time really being in charge.� Really being a leader!� Everything I thought I deserved and I�� She turns to face Willow.�
�I choked.�

�I know.�� Willow has her serious
face on.� �Vi told me.� About the��

�Vi�s gonna
get a lesson in shutting the hell up.��
Kennedy growls.

�She�s worried about you.�� Willow�s
voice starts out gentle.� �So am I.� You�ve been Miss Volatile since we got
back.� I understood when I thought it was
about Faith being so broken, but she�s getting better and you�re still��

Kennedy pushes out a short breath that ends up
sounding more like a snarl.

��like that.��
Willow
gestures at Kennedy.� �Vi was only trying
to help.�

�Nobody can help.��
Kennedy stops pacing.� She lowers
her head.�

�Let me try.��
Willow
reaches out her hand.� �Please, baby?�

Kennedy looks at her girlfriend. �Willow�s face,
all sympathy.� Willow�s arms outstretched and waiting for her.�

She won�t allow herself that comfort.� She shakes her head.

Willow drops her hands, hurt and disappointed.

�I can�t.��
Kennedy tries to explain.� It
doesn�t work.

Willow turns away.

With a sigh, Kennedy walks to the bathroom.� Willow hears the click of the lock.� Kennedy�s never done that before.

�Kenn?�� Willow starts to worry.� �You need anything?�

Nothing.

She paces.

She hears a low cry.�
The shower trickling, then hitting the base of
the tub with its full force.� And a soft
voice hiding underneath, cracking with sobs.

Willow leans her ear against the door.

�I�m sorry.��
Kennedy is on repeat, barely audible.�
�I�m so sorry.�

Willow doesn�t say anything.� It�s not her that Kennedy�s apologizing
to.� It�s not her temper that Kennedy�s
apologizing for.�

Instead she pulls a blanket and a light sheet from
the bed.� Sinks down against the closed
door, making herself as comfortable as she can.� With a sigh, she lays her head against the
frame.� Closes her
eyes.
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Heart's Desire