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Heart's Desire	By : PencilNeck Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 9582 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 2
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Chapter 28:�� Mad World

Xander steps into the makeshift office, looking
around nervously.� The woman behind the
desk gestures to the large wingback chair across from her.� He smiles wide and anxious as he sits.

�And you are��
She starts.

�I�m fine.�� He
states.�

�Good to know,� The woman checks her notes.� �� Alexander.�

�Xander.�� He corrects her.

�Ah.� Xander, then.�� She
smiles.� �I�m Doctor Amani.� Adia, if you prefer.� Don�t be nervous, alright?� We�re just going to talk.� I�m here to help.�

�And I�m glad.��
Xander smiles back.� It�s less
than sincere.� �After�y�know�� Some people are gonna
have some trouble dealing.� Not me,
though.� I�m fine.��

�So you said.��
She writes something down in her book.

�What?��
Xander eyes the pen suspiciously.�
�What�s worth writing?� I haven�t
said anything yet.�

�Don�t worry about what I�m doing.�� The doctor talks softly, in an accent that
Xander can�t place.� �I�m just making
notes.�

��Oh, I�m not
worried.�� Xander eyes the clock above
her head.� Fifty-seven minutes to
go.� �I�d be worried if there was
something wrong with me� but I�m not� worried.�
I�m fine.��

��Right.�� She agrees,
still writing.� �How are you sleeping?�

�Good.�
Good.� I sleep.�� Xander�s not telling.� �You know, when I can.� I have a lot to do.� Work.� A lot of work things.�

�Like what?��

�The girls��
The um�� He sighs.� �We�re spread pretty thin right now.�

�That sounds like it could be stressful.��

�It�s fine.�
I�m fine.�� Xander says it without
thinking.� Fifty-three minutes.

�Of course.�

�
********************

�I�m not dumb.�
I know what you�re doing.��

�What am I doing?��
Adia raises a questioning brow.

�You�re being all soothing and agreeable so I�ll
talk to you.�� Dawn talks with her
hands.�

�Is that a bad thing?�� The doctor asks in her soothing, agreeable
voice.�

�No, it�s a shrink thing.�� Dawn rolls her eyes.�

�Have you seen a psychiatrist before?��

�Yeah.� After my mom died and no, I don�t want to
tell you about my mother.�� Dawn puts her
hands behind her head.� Her hair is
growing back so fast.� Maybe
a little too fast.� She makes a
note to spy on Willow.

�You don�t have to.��
She leans back in her chair.� �Did
therapy help you through the situation?�

�What do you think?��
Dawn looks away.

�What I think doesn�t matter.�

�Then why do I have to be here?�� Dawn asks triumphantly.� �If none of this matters?�

�You don�t.�� Adia reconsiders her approach.� �You can go.�

�I can?�� Dawn
doesn�t like this.� It feels like a trap.

�Of course.�� She smiles.�
�The door isn�t locked.�

Dawn hesitantly rises from the chair.

�I�m sure Giles and� Buffy, your
sister?�� Adia
plays her trump card.� �I�m sure they�ll
understand why you feel you don�t need to be here.�

�What?�� Dawn
stares at her.

�These are mandatory sessions.�� Adia walks to her
desk, shuffles some papers.� �You�ll need
them to approve it.� But I�m sure they�ll
see that you�re too smart to fall for my tricks.�

Dawn blinks.�

�Call the next girl in, would you?�� Adia waves her out
absently.� �Hopefully she won�t be as
smart as you, Dawn.� Otherwise I won�t be
able to help her either.�

�I don�t need help.��
Mumbling under her breath, Dawn heavily drops back into the chair.�

�Changed your mind?��
Adia can�t hide a little smile.� �Alright then.�

�I know what you�re doing.�� Dawn sulks.

�Does that matter?�

********************

�I just think I should know who I�m talking to,
that�s all.�� Buffy crosses her
arms.� �I mean sure, that degree looks
fancy sitting up there on the wall.� But
how do I know it didn�t come out of a cereal box?�

�Are you sure you�re not just trying to avoid
talking about yourself?�

�I�m not avoiding.��
Buffy denies all charges.� �I�m
just making sure that you�re not evil.�
That�s my job.�

�Do you think I�m evil?�� Adia replies
evenly.�

�Maybe not evil��
Buffy pretends to think.� �But
that doesn�t mean you�re good.� There�s shades, yanno.� Gray� a-and lighter gray.�

�I see.�� The
doctor is in.� �Does that bother you?�

�Does what bother me?��

�That good and evil aren�t clearly defined
opposites.��

�Well, it�d make my life easier if the bad guys
would wear black and have twirly moustaches and
shifty eyes.�� Buffy makes a wish
list.�� And a creepy
villain laugh.� Oooh, and maybe carry a big sign that says �I�m evil, ask
me how!�.�

�But life isn�t like that.�

�Tell me about it.��
Buffy slumps back.� �It�s like,
just when I think I get it�� I�ve got the
rules down and I know who�s �us� and who�s
�them�� Everything changes around and
the bad guys are sorta good and the good guys are sorta bad and before you know it I�m feeling sorry for the
guys I�m supposed to be punching.�

�Must be hard to trust
people.�

�Totally��
Buffy catches on.� �Hey!� I trust people!�

�I�m sure you do.��
Adia appeases.�

�I mean yeah, it�s hard to know.� You can�t really ever know.�� Buffy knows that much.

�Go on.�

�But how do you decide?� What�s the right thing to do?� Who to let in?� Should you even let anyone in, because it�s
not just that they could get hurt.� They could die.� Or they could hurt your family.� And how do you decide that one person is good
and another is evil?�� Buffy�s just
riding the thought train.� She�s not the
conductor.� �I mean, people change.� People grow.�
People do bad things and good things and how do you weigh it up and just
decide for everyone that they�re one or the other?� How can I judge that?� How can I even tell if I�m good or evil?� What�s the test?� I mean��

�Are you concerned about that?��

�What?� Being
evil?�� Buffy�s
startled out of her thoughts.� �No.� No��
I�m just��

�You�re not sure that you�re good?�

�I didn�t say that.�

********************

�But you�re not eating.�� Adia checks her
records.� �The medical report says you�ve
lost an unhealthy amount of weight.�

�I have a fast metabolism.�� Kennedy stares at her.�

�Not that fast.�
You�ve lost eleven pounds just this week.�

�I work out.�

Adia stares back for a moment, then turns to the window.

�You walked out on our last session.��

�Yep.�

�So why did you come back?�

�Giles.� Told me it didn�t look good
for a Team Leader to break the rules.��
Kennedy rolls her eyes.� �Said I should be setting an example.�

�And you disagree?�

�Doesn�t matter.� He�s the boss.��

�Of course it matters.�� Adia treads
carefully.� �Don�t these girls look up to
you?�

�Whatever.�

�I�m not sure what you mean by that.�

�It means I�m tired of people looking up to me,
looking over me, looking down on me!��
Kennedy�s voice is rising.� �I
can�t relax with everybody in my face all the time!�

�You can�t relax?�

�You try to get some peace in this place!�� Kennedy�s eyes flick to the door.� To Adia�s
hands.� �I�m getting so sick of
everything and everyone.� I just want��

�Go on.�

Kennedy clenches her fists.� Controlling herself.

�You just want what?�� Adia pushes.

�Forget it.��
Kennedy bolts for the door.� �I
can�t do this.��

�Maybe not for yourself.� But for them?�

Kennedy stops.�
Turns back for the last word.

�They�re on their own.�

********************

�But don�t they need you?�

�Oh, they�ll muddle through.�� Giles leans his head against the side of the
chair.� �Andrew should be arriving
shortly.� I�m sure he�ll be thrilled to
find out he�s in charge of something.�

�Scheduling the housework?�

�Believe me, he�ll be delighted.�� Giles takes off his glasses.�� Pinches his nose with his
forefinger and thumb.

�And it doesn�t hurt that you get skip the boring
meetings.�

�It is an unforeseen bonus, yes.�� Giles sneaks in a brief grin.

�I�m sure.�

�Actually, I popped in for a reason.�� Giles taps on the leather.� �I was wondering�� I had meant to ask��

�Now, Mr. Giles.� You know I can�t talk about my
patients.�� Adia
chides him.� �I know that you�re
concerned about your people, but��

�No, no.� Quite right.�� Giles
agrees quickly.� �I understand completely.�

�Now,� Adia stands up,
sorting her papers into a tidy pile.� �I
have about thirty�� She glances at her watch.�
��six minutes until my next appointment and I�d like to get some lunch.�

�Right.�� Giles stands, fumbling for his glasses.� �Certainly.� I�ll� erm� leave
you to it then.�

�Oh.� Adia looks
momentarily disappointed.� �I�m sure you
have important things to do.�

�Yes, of course.��
Giles replaces his glasses.� Walks to the door.�
�Dr. Amani, I did want to say�� We� I am grateful for your people being
here.� I have dedicated my life to�
this.�� He gestures around him.� �And to this group of
remarkable people.� I have seen
what they�ve gone through and I fear�� I
fear that for some the burden has become too much to bear.� If you and your team being here can ease that
for them even in the slightest��

�What about you, Mr. Giles?�� Adia smiles at him
generously.� �What about your burden?�

Giles gives her one of his small, sad smiles.

�I try not to think about it.�

********************

�How often are you successful?�� Adia leans in.

�Well, I��
It�s not a big deal, really.� I
mean it is a big deal� but it�s like, you�re there and things are happening and
you make a choice and worry about the after part well�� after.��
Willow hopes she got the answer right.�

�And what happens, after?��

�Usually nothing.� Nothing bad, I mean.�� Willow thinks hard.� �Magicks are about
balance.� You do something, and something
else has to happen to balance things out.�
It�s like unh� the tide.� It comes
in and goes out with every wave, see?� So
with magicks you have to make sure that whatever you
do, you don�t make the wave so big that it messes with the flow of things. Get
it?�

�I understand about magic, Willow.�

�Of course you do.��
Willow�s eyes widen.� �I mean you
work for some super secret organization.�
You probably know all kinds of stuff.�
I didn�t mean to�� Sometimes I get
excited about explaining.�

�I see.�� Adia smiles.� It�s hard not to smile around Willow.� �You still haven�t answered my question.�

�Haven�t I?��
Willow�s voice gets all high pitchy.�
�I meant to.� I thought I did��

�Willow.� Adia shakes her
head.� �This isn�t a test.� It�s a conversation, sometimes a difficult
one, but there is no right or wrong here.�
Only what you think, what you feel.�

�I don�t understand your crazy world.�� Willow jokes.�
�What was your question again?�

�We�ll come back to that.�� Adia looks at
her.� She can see the dark circles, the
weariness etched on Willow�s face.�
�You�re not sleeping.� Is your
schedule too much for you?� I can get you
some time off, to restore your energy?�

�NO!� I mean, no thanks.��
Willow plays with her hands.� �I
have to�� They need me, and I�m the best
one they�ve got for the healing.� If I
take time off, that just makes it harder for everyone else.� I can�t not do this.��

�Still, I am going to have a chat with the medical
department.� I can see they are wearing
you out.�� Adia
looks determined.� She scribbles
furiously, peeking up at Willow with one eye.

Willow plays with her fingers, obviously
fretting.�

�You don�t have to do that.�� Willow is shrill.� �I�ll stop��
I�ll fix it.� Take some time off
or something.� You don�t have to��

�Just remember that I will if you don�t.� We�ll move on to something else�� Adia makes a quick
note.� �Kennedy.�

�Kennedy?�
Umm� she�s good.�

Adia raises a brow.

�Not good as in good, of course.� More like good as in really, really
bad.�� Willow backtracks like a pro.� She decides to spill.� �I don�t know what happened.� Everything was good and then we got back here
and now she�s different and I don�t know how to make it better.� She acts like I don�t get it, which duh!� Of course I don�t because she won�t tell me.� And then there�s the moping and the brooding
and the random scary anger moments�� I�m kinda� afraid?�

�Afraid of her?�

�No!� No way!�� Willow is
emphatic on this point.� �Kenn would never hit me or anything.� But I am afraid.� I�m afraid she�s going to a bad place.� I�m afraid she�s going to hurt herself, or
that she�ll keep shutting me out, or that she�ll just implode or something.�

�You�re afraid to lose her.�

�Yeah.�� Willow�s sadness comes through her
smile.� �I�m afraid she�s going somewhere
I can�t follow.�

�I�m sorry Willow.� Adia
feels bad, but there are only so many hours in a day.� �That�s time.�

�Oh.�� Willow
doesn�t want to go just yet.� She�s still
all filled up with stuff.�

�You�ll be fine.��
Adia tries to calm her a bit.� �You try to get some rest, and I�ll see you
tomorrow.�

Willow leaves the comfort of the chair.� She breathes in deeply and out
forcefully.� Gives Dr. Amani a brave, tight grin and a wave.� Remembers to leave the door
open for the next appointment.

�Right.� Tomorrow.�
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Heart's Desire