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Both Sides Now	By : addielogan Category: BtVS AU/AR > Het - Male/Female Views: 6136 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Dawn knew as soon
as she walked out of her door that this time, she was caught. Emma was standing
at her own door, and the brunette Slayer's eyes widened for a second when she
saw Dawn before her expression changed and her eyebrow went up. Emma's arms
crossed over her chest, and she looked at Dawn sternly. "You told me you
didn't want to patrol with me tonight because you weren't feeling your best and
wanted to go to bed early."
"I went to
bed so early I'm awake already?" Dawn offered.
"Um, no.
Something's going on with you, Dawn, and I want you to tell me what it is now."
Dawn glanced at
her watch. 1:55� "Can it wait until the morning?"
Emma shook her
head. "No. You've been acting like an insane person all week, Dawnie. I'm
your best friend, and if you're up to no good, then I have every right to know
what that no good is. Now spill."
"Fine,"
Dawn relented. "But this is going to be quick, and it's going to be
inside."
Emma pushed her
front door open and waved her hand in front of her. "After you."
As soon as Emma
shut the door behind them, Dawn let out a heavy sigh. "I've snuck out
every night for the past week to meet Andrew."
"You
what!?" Emma exclaimed, her dark brown eyes bugging. "Please tell me
you're kidding."
Dawn looked
sheepish. "No. I really have."
"Okay, and I'm going to be blunt here when I ask, what the
hell? And isn't he engaged?"
"I know! And
it hasn't been, well, we haven't done anything. It's innocent, really, Just
talking."
"Yeah,
'cause you gotta sneak around and lie to your best friend to do something
innocent."
Dawn groaned and
leaned against the wall. "I know, I know. And I also know I shouldn't be
doing it, but I can't stop myself. It's just for a little bit, never more than
about half an hour."
"Where do
you meet him?" Emma asked.
"The
courtyard. It was an accident the first time," Dawn said.
"What do you
talk about?"
"Just�things,"
Dawn replied. "He's been having a hard time coping with everything that
happened to him when he was gone, and I think it helps him to have someone to
talk to."
"And that
person has to be you?"
"I guess
not, but�" Dawn sighed. "I really don't know what to say, Em. I know
I shouldn't be meeting him, and every single time I tell myself I'm going to
stop, but I can't."
"Are you
still in love with him?"
Dawn hung her
head and said softly, almost a whisper, "Yes."
Emma moved closer
to Dawn and put her hand on her shoulder. "I know it's hard, but if you
two are really over, and he's really going to marry that other woman, you've
got to cut this off now. Even if there's nothing going on, it's the sort of
thing that leads to more, and you're going to get in over your head."
"You're
right. God, this sucks so much." Dawn held her head up. "I'll stop
it. Tonight. I'll go down there, and I'll tell him we can't anymore."
"It's the
right thing to do, Dawn," Emma told her. "And it'll get
better�eventually."
"I know.
I'll talk to you tomorrow, all right?"
"Yeah, okay.
Let me know how it goes?"
"I
will."
Dawn took a deep
breath and walked out of the flat. Emma was right. And she could do it�

*** *** ***
She couldn't do
it. The moment Dawn walked into the courtyard and saw Andrew, all of her
strength was gone. He seemed so lost, so tired, and she knew that if she took
this away from him, it would break him even more.
Dawn knew she
shouldn't care. He'd brought the last three years of tortures on himself, and
broken her heart while he was at it. Any suffering he was doing now wasn't her
problem. He could go back to seeing a therapist, and it would be better all the
way around.
But she had been
telling the truth when she told Emma she still loved him. She didn't want to
and she hated that she did, but she did all the same. And because of that, she
couldn't walk away. She just couldn't�
The only time she
ever saw him smile anymore was whenever he'd first see her. It was always
quick, but it was a smile nonetheless, and she wanted to give that to him.
Dawn sat beside
him on the bench and resisted the urge she always had to rest her head on his
shoulder. Keeping her hands to herself was always a challenge with him, but she
knew it was a line they couldn't cross. And aside from that second night when
she was sure he'd almost kissed her, it was something they'd successfully
avoided.
"How was
your day today?" Dawn asked. It had become their standard way of beginning
their conversations, and she didn't feel like changing it tonight.
Andrew shrugged.
"All right, I guess. Uneventful. I actually got a little bit of rest when
I felt asleep on my desk."
Dawn half-smiled.
"That's good. You need more rest."
"Times when
I can find it are few and far between these days," Andrew replied.
"The nightmares I'm having now are worse than anything I had when I was
actually there. It's like my mind's so used to me facing horrible stuff every
day that now that I'm not, it feels like it has to make it up for me."
"Have you
started seeing anyone about them?" Dawn asked him. "Maybe you could
look in to finding something you could take to help you sleep."
"I've
thought about it, but I haven't." He looked down at the ground, away from
her. "Cynthia's sorta down on psychiatry and meds. She thinks people
should just suck it up and handle their problems on their own."
Dawn
left that with just an, "Oh." She'd decided in the beginning she
wasn't going to say anything negative about Cynthia, no matter how badly she
wanted to sometime. It helped in her rationalization that what she was doing
wasn't wrong, when she knew that it really was.
"I'm not sure it
would do any good anyway. I think I'm beyond help."
"No you're not,"
Dawn said, resisting the urge to soothe him with her hand against his back.
She'd learned in their short time together how much a touch could mean to him,
even beyond the sexual. He needed contact, needed love shown to him in every
way possible. It killed her that she couldn't give that to him now.
"Why do you come out here?"
His sudden question threw Dawn for a moment, and
she hurried to collect her thoughts and form an answer. "To talk to
you," she said finally.
"But why? I'm worth even less of your time now
than I was in Rome. And you can't possibly be getting anything out of coming
outside at two every morning to listen to me whine about my life."
"You're not whining," Dawn replied.
"And I don't mind listening to you at all. I'm glad I can give you someone
to talk to. I enjoy spending time with you, even now. I've always liked you,
Andrew." At his raised eyebrow, she giggled and said, "Okay, not always. But for
a long time. And�and I missed you, when you were gone. I missed being around
you."
"I missed being around you, too. Sometimes I'd
start thinking about you, and the fact that I wasn't with you would make me
hurt in the pit of my stomach," Andrew admitted. "I didn't have
nightmares there. I'd dream that I was with you, and then I'd wake up alone. In
some ways, I think that might have been worse."
Dawn swallowed. She didn't know what to say to
that.
"I should go back in," Andrew said.
"I think Cynthia's starting to notice when I'm gone. Maybe I should take
up smoking so I'd have a real excuse to be out here."
"You did try a pipe at one point," Dawn
pointed out, her smile almost teasing.
Andrew snorted. "God, don't remind me of
that." He cleared his throat and asked her the same thing he did every night.
"Will you be here tomorrow?"
Dawn answered with what she knew was the truth,
even though it probably shouldn't be. "Yes."
Andrew replied with a small nod and walked back
into the building.

*** *** ***
Andrew didn't like the break room. It always smelled
like too many kinds of food at once and there always seemed to be someone in
there chattering away about something inane. He'd found since he'd come back
that he had very little tolerance for talking about things that didn't matter.
He was aware of the irony given his track record, but he didn't care. He wasn't
that person anymore anyway.
Who he was, was still up in the air, but he was
trying hard not to dwell on that. Not that he was succeeding, but he was
trying.
Today's inane chatter was apparently centered on
which of the Slayers were the most shag-worthy. Andrew really hoped that none
of the three young Watchers that were currently engaged in that conversation
were talking about Slayers they were in charge of. It was bothering him enough
without that extra aspect.
He stirred cream into his tea and tried to ignore
the conversation when a bit of it pulled him right back in.
"Forget the Slayers. I'll tell you who around
here I could go all night long with. Dawn Summers."
"Only if you've got a death wish, mate. She's
got a Slayer for a sister and an overprotective big brother-in-law who could turn
your spine into his belt."
"I'd take the risk. With legs like that� And
bloody hell, those tits of hers. Bet she's a screamer, too. And from what I
hear, she's not the kind of girl you'd have to worry about calling again
either."
Andrew didn't fully realize what he was doing until
he'd already thrown the punch and the other Watcher was already on the ground.
Not that he felt particularly bad about it�
"Sodding hell!" the Watcher Andrew had
just punched yelled as he wiped at his newly broken nose. "What was that
for?"
"I hear you talking about Dawn like that
again, and you won't have to worry about Spike killing you. I'll do it for
him."
Andrew stormed out of the break room, leaving
behind a trio of stunned Watchers.

*** *** ***
"You are such a hussy."
Dawn looked up
sharply as Emma walked into her living room. "Huh?"
"Hussy�you,
big one," Emma said as she flopped down onto Dawn's couch.
"What did I
do?" Dawn asked.
"Oh, don't
play innocent," Emma replied. "For one thing, you and I both know
that you didn't tell Andrew you're going to stop meeting him."
"How in the
world would you know if I did or didn't?" Dawn asked her. "We haven't
talked since then!"
Emma rolled her
eyes. "'Cause I'm not an idiot, that's why. And you two are sooo not just
friends either, or whatever you're telling yourself. Word on the Slayery
grapevine is he broke a guy's nose this morning defending your honor."
"What?!"
Dawn screeched. "That cannot be true."
"I saw the
guy myself. Big ol' bandage on his nose. I mean, I didn't really care, 'cause
it was that dick of a Watcher, Cranston, but still�"
"Okay, there
are like a million ways Cranston could've gotten his nose broken. I've had to refrain a
few times myself. It didn't have to be Andrew going all�"
"Jealous
boyfriend?" Emma supplied.
"No!"
Dawn insisted. "I wasn't going to say that."
Emma's eyebrow
went up. "So what were you going to say then?"
"I don't
know," Dawn admitted in a small voice.
"You're
sad," Emma said with a snort.
"Ugh."
Dawn banged her head on the back of the couch. "I just wish I could figure
out what it is, you know? Why I can't get over him. If I could just pinpoint
what makes me keep holding on to him, I could get over it and let go."
"Is he
big?"
Dawn frowned.
"Big? What do you mean?" Emma wiggled her eyebrows and Dawn's eyes
bugged as she realized what her friend was implying. "Emma!" she
yelled, smacking her on the arm. "And you call me the hussy!"
"It's a
valid question!" Emma said. "It's hard to give up the ones that can
hit all the right places."
Dawn turned
bright red and buried her face in her hands. After a moment, she peeked up.
"Yes. But that's sooo not why."
"I bet it's
got something to do with it," Emma insisted, her expression now a teasing
one. "If he was all tiny and bad in bed, I bet you would've gotten over
him in a snap."
"Gee, thank
you ever so much for your insight."
"It's true!
Ask any woman about the man she still pines for, and I bet you almost every
single time she'll tell you she didn't need a magnifying glass to find
it."
"I am so not
talking about this anymore," Dawn said, trying unsuccessfully to fight her
blush. "And you're evil."
"Hey, you're
the one sneaking out to meet an almost married man and lying to your best friend about it,"
Emma pointed out. "I think a little harassment is more than fair
now."
"You're
right. And I'm a horrible person."
Emma's expression
softened. "No, just in love. Which tends to make people act horrible, but
hey, we all do it."
Dawn flopped back
against the couch again. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't see
him. I can't stop seeing him. I want to hate him, but I love him.
It's such a mess."
"I know. And
if I had a way to find the answer for you, I would." Emma pulled back, a
twinkle in her eyes. "So how big exactly?"
Dawn's only
response was to toss a throw pillow from the couch at her friend.

*** *** ***
- 27
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- 29
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