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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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It’s been three days since that incident in the library. Things between Wesley and the rest of us are still really tense. He apologized and I accepted it. On the outside, anyways. I’ve been ignoring him as much as possible and spending as little time in the library as I can get away with. He just doesn’t understand why what he said hurt so much and I’m not about to give him the details. No one needs to know the details and that’s why I haven’t told anyone, not even Willow, what happened between Angel and me that night.
But I need to stop thinking about that because I have a bigger problem to worry about. I fought two demons at the park tonight. Both big, scabby, disgusting and sans mouth. I killed the first one but the second managed to run off. The weird part is even though they don’t have mouths they were still able to communicate somehow. Not only that, but my hand has been itching like crazy. There’s already a red mark where I’ve been scratching it and I need to stop before it starts bleeding.
“You’re home a little early, B,” I hear Faith say from the living room. Ambush. Wesley isn’t the only one I’ve been avoiding. I’ve been ducking Faith and Willow as much as possible too. I can’t be around Faith without wanting to rip her clothes off and I’m not ready to have the best friend talk about how I feel about everything that’s happened between me and Faith. I know Willow wants to be supportive and kept in the loop on my love life, but I’m just not ready to open up to her yet. “Were you the only thing that went bump in the night?” She can be so corny and it always makes me smile.
“No, tonight there was a little bit of action,” I tell her as I walk into the living room. She’s sitting on the couch cradling Samantha in her arms. Sam is asleep with her head resting on Fait’s chest and Faith has the most serene look on her face. It’s the first time I’ve seen her look relaxed and happy since the night Tanner lost control. And I’m not counting our night together or our morning after because I can’t keep obsessing over that. “Two scabby looking things with no mouths. I slayed one but his friend got away.”
“I’ll make sure to take care of the other one tomorrow night then,” she says and gives Sam a kiss on the top of her head. How pathetic would I be if I admitted that I’m jealous of Sam right now? Probably a lot. So I’ll just keep that very sad and pathetic fact to myself. I start scratching my hand again and Faith gives me a weird look. I can’t blame her, I’d probably be giving her the same look.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I touched one of them and now my hand feels like it’s has the chicken pox, but without the gross sores,” I say and she glances down at it. She slowly reaches out and takes my hand so she can turn it and get a better look. This is the first time we’ve touched since three days ago in Giles’ office. We haven’t been patrolling together so the temptation to touch has decreased dramatically. “We should probably talk to Giles first before you go after it. He’ll probably want to do some research.”
I bite my bottom lip at the feel of her soft fingers on my skin. Patrolling solo was Faith’s idea. She doesn’t want Sam here with just my mom in case Tanner shows up. She trusts my mom not to let him in or take Sam but just in case he tries something Faith wants someone with slayer strength here and I completely agree. Plus patrolling alone has made avoiding her a lot easier.
“Hold her for a second, ok?” she asks and I nod. She carefully hands me her little girl so she doesn’t wake her up and I have to admit that it’s a little awkward. I’m never sure what I’m doing when I hold her, but I try as hard as I can to not make that obvious. Sam is a part of the almost-girlfriend package and if I’m going to date her mom than I need to learn to take care of the little one too.
Faith gets up and walks off towards the kitchen and I feel like I have the chance to really breathe for the first time today. I think it has something to do with the way Sam smells. Babies have a smell that calms people down. I have to admit that I’ve been bonding with her since Faith has been patrolling alone. I know that it’s only been two nights since we alternate but the little rugrat grows on you really fast. I even let her in my room for the first time which she was very excited about. She’s still not allowed to touch Mr. Gordo, though. I have to draw the line somewhere.
Looking at her now, sleeping in my arms, lightly sucking her thumb, and letting out a little sigh every once in a while, I think I could handle this. I’m not naïve. I understand the fact that being with Faith, I mean really being with her not just having sex with her, would practically make me Sam’s step parent. I get that Faith would always have more of a say with the rules and decisions but if it came down to it I think I would step up and help raise her when we finally get to that point.
“Here, B,” Faith says quietly when she walks back in the room. She sits down next to me and holds out the thing in her hand. “Maybe this will help with the itching.” It’s a Ziploc bag with ice inside. I can’t help but smile as I take it from her and hold it to the back of my hand. “What are you smirking about?” She sits back against the couch and looks totally relaxed. A little part of me hates her for that. I’ve been so uptight and tense the last couple of days that I’m getting a really bad backache. Yet she’s looking like Joe Cool just sitting there resting comfortably.
“Nothing,” I tell her and my smirk gets a little bigger. She raises that perfect eyebrows and a little part of me melts inside. I think that was literal because my panties are soaked and it’s not from the slaying I did tonight. “It’s just…you’re such a mom sometimes.” She chuckles a little but tries to stay quiet. If Sam wakes up now bad, cranky things will happen. “I get that you are a mom, I’m holding your kid right now. But right now I feel like you’re going to offer to make me chicken and stars and tuck me into bed or something.”
“Damn, B. I bring you one ice pack and now I’m June Cleaver, that’s harsh,” she says with a deep, throaty chuckle and I get goosebumps all over my body. This is why I’ve been avoiding her. One glance, one smirk, one laugh and I’m going out of my mind with lust. Right now it isn’t so bad because I got in a good slay so my hormones aren’t going as crazy, but I still want her. I don’t just want her, I need her and now just in a sex way.
“I’m not saying you’re June Cleaver. It’s just nice seeing you so…sweet and caring. Most of the time you try to act like this badass, slayer chick, which you are, but it’s nice seeing a different side every once in a while,” I say and I make sure to have my patent pending half smile on my face so she knows I’m not making fun of her. She smiles back, and she glances down at Sam who’s still sleeping soundly in my arms.
“I better get to bed,” I say and put the ice pack down before I very carefully hand Faith back her daughter. Sam moves around a little, snuggles tighter against Faith and lets out a little sigh before she settles down and goes back to looking comfortable and adorable. Faith gets a look on her face that isn’t hard to describe. She looks a little disappointed but she’s trying to cover it up. I guess she wanted to hang out together but I just can’t do that right now. Not when it feels like I might suffocate if I don’t hold her close and breathe her in.
“Ok,” she says and she can’t cover up the disappointment in her voice. I feel horrible doing this to her, pushing her away after what we shared the other night. I have to, though, or else I’ll go crazy being around her but not really being with her the way I want to. “See you in the morning.” She has a small smile on her face but it’s totally forced. I mumble out a goodnight and head upstairs feeling like an asshole.
I just wish she would be completely honest with me for once. She said she doesn’t want to be with me yet because everything is still too fresh with Tanner, and she doesn’t want to confuse Sam. I know that Faith still needs to get over him, I’m not stupid, but I can’t help shake the feeling that there’s something more to it that she’s not telling me. I wish she could just let her guard down and let me see her for who she really is instead of hiding behind that emotional wall. I wish there was a way I could get inside her head to know what she really feels about me. Yeah right, fat chance of that ever happening.
When I wake up the next morning I can already tell something is off. Samantha is in my room and she’s singing a song. Who the hell let Sam in my room? She knows she’s not allowed in here unless I tell her it’s ok, and with me just waking up I doubt that conversation took place. I sit up quickly, maybe if I can scare her a little she won’t sneak in here anymore, but I don’t see her.
“Sam?” I ask to an obviously empty room. She can’t be in the closet because there isn’t enough room and she can’t fit under the bed because it’s overstuffed with shoe boxes and weapons. I follow the sound of her voice and I end up standing in the bathroom doorway. She’s in the bathtub and Faith is washing her hair. Ok, what the hell is going on? I can hear her singing but she isn’t saying a word. She’s just sitting there quietly while Faith rinses the shampoo out of her hair.
We’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony, and in this cartoony we’re invading your TV! Ok, how can I hear her when she isn’t saying anything? This is weird. It’s weird and strange and hearing a little girl singing is unsettling. I feel like at any moment Freddy Kruger is going to jump out at me. I guess Faith can feel me staring at them like a freak because she turns around with a slightly confused look on her face.
“Morning, B,” she says and there’s a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. God, Faith is so beautiful in the morning. She doesn’t have her face caked with makeup and her hair is kind of wild looking, and she’s less guarded than she is later on in the day so you can see all of her emotions playing out across her eyes. It’s amazing to see. She’s happy to see me right now, that much is obvious, but there’s also something else that I can’t quite place.
“Good morning,” I tell her and she’s giving me that look like she’s waiting for me to say something. Probably because only a freak would just stand here for no reason. “You mind if I brush my teeth? I need to get ready for school.” That sounds pretty believable. I mean, this is the only bathroom in the house and I do need to get ready for school. She would have to be a total bitch to say no. She tries to act like this cynical hardass but I know her better than that.
“Go ahead. Wouldn’t want anyone to drop dead from your dragon morning breath,” she says with a chuckle and Sam starts laughing. That little traitor. I thought we were bonding. I let her in my room and let her try on my “party shoes”, and I let her play with my old toys, except Mr. Gordo, and now she’s laughing at me? Traitor. Damn, B’s pout is so fuckin sexy. I wanna nibble on that lip ‘til it’s nice and swollen. Ok, why the hell can I hear Faith if she’s not talking? And more importantly: she thinks my pout is sexy?
I try to act normal as I start brushing my teeth because I don’t want to freak either of them out. It’s not like I can just ask if Faith is hearing voices too because then she would think that I’m crazy and crazy people probably are not allowed to be left alone with small children and it’s my night to babysit. They’re funny, they’re funny, they’re Babs and Buster bunny. Why am I still hearing that? I want a bunny but mommy says no. Daddy always say yes when I want something but Daddy’s been gone forever.
“Mommy, when’s Daddy coming back?” Sam asks and she sounds so sad. She asked me that the other night when I was watching her and let her try on my heels just for fun. She calls them my “party shoes” because she thinks they look fancy. I’d love to hear her say that in front of Cordelia. Cordelia said they look like they were made out of skinned chicken feet. Why am I thinking about this? It’s so not what I should be focusing on.
“Sam, Daddy’s not coming back,” Faith says and she sounds so uncomfortable. It’s the exact same tone my mom had when she told me my dad was moving out of the house in L.A. The way Faith sounds right now, I just want to take her in my arms and hold her. I hate that she has to go through this but it’s for the best. Tanner is an abuser, he doesn’t deserve to be around Faith or Sam. I wish she was older, this would be so much easier to explain.
“Why Mommy? Why he go away?” she asks and she sounds like she’s about to cry. I can hear the little tremble in her voice and it’s making my heart hurt. I can’t even imagine what Faith must be feeling. That fucking bastard. Even when he’s not here he’s making my baby cry. Ok, or maybe I can imagine it. It’s obvious I’m hearing their thoughts but why? People don’t just wake up telepathic. Maybe I shouldn’t be this surprised. This is Sunnydale, after all. Where else would I wake up and suddenly be able to read minds?
“Because, Sammy, Daddy’s sick.” Yeah, he’s really sick if he thinks it’s ok to beat his girlfriend and daughter. “And he can’t be around us anymore.” God, Faith sounds so freaking sad. I wish there was something I could do to make everything better. She’s been through so much and she deserves some happiness for once. He needs medicine then he could get better. I hear Sam’s little voice float through my mind and I almost start crying at how innocent she really is.
“You could give him medicine, Mommy. You gaved me medicine when I was sick,” she says and I glance over at them. Faith is gently rubbing the conditioner through Sam’s hair and to anyone else she looks calm but I can see how tight her muscles are and how tense her shoulders are getting. I finish brushing my teeth as quickly as possible and leave the room. I don’t want Faith to feel crowded with me standing right there listening in on her conversation.
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Know Who I Am