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Blood and Fire	By : addielogan Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > Het - Male/Female > Buffy/Spike(William) > Buffy/Spike(William) Views: 8173 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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It took Spike a few moments to identify the
source of the pleasure that had pulled him out of sleep, but when he realized
it was Buffy's warm mouth wrapped around his cock, he moaned and reached under
the covers to tangle his fingers in her hair.
Buffy didn't stop now that she knew he was
awake. Instead, she increased her efforts, continuing until he'd spent himself
in her mouth.
Spike panted, fighting to catch unnecessary
breath, and Buffy crawled back up his body to nuzzle against his chest. She said
nothing, but Spike held on to her, wondering for a moment if he possibly hadn't
woken up at all, and this was a very pleasant dream. Buffy waking him up with a
blowjob was the sort of thing he'd thought would only happen in a dream, after
all.
But this felt too real to be anything but,
and Spike wondered if he could hold on to the hope he'd started to feel the
night before. It had felt like a breakthrough, a genuine turning point in their
relationship, but with Buffy, that could mean absolutely nothing. Sometimes he
had to bite his tongue to keep from asking her exactly how many people she had
in that head of hers.
Knowing that talking could drive her good
mood away, but needing to risk it anyway, Spike asked her, "What brought
that on, kitten?"
From beside him, Buffy shrugged. "I
just wanted to. Did you like it?"
"Very much," Spike replied,
brushing a kiss against her forehead.
She looked up into his eyes and asked,
"Not something you'd call a 'joke?'"
Spike fought back the urge to grin. If what
he'd said the night before had gotten to her that much, then it must've
actually meant something to her. "No, baby. Not a
joke at all. I love everything we do together. You're amazing. I didn't mean
anything to the contrary last night."
Buffy bit her lip in a way that made Spike
really want to kiss her, though he held back because
he could tell she wanted to say something. "Then what did you
mean?" she asked.
He thought for a moment, trying to determine
how exactly to answer that. If he was honest with her, then she could very
easily go into another one of her moods and ruin what seemed to be happening
right then. But if he didn't, then it would just remain festering between them,
and possibly lead to another large blow-up later.
"I meant the way you jerk me
around." Buffy opened her mouth to protest, but Spike silenced her when he
spoke again quickly. "Let me finish. You asked me what I meant, so I'm
telling you. Our sex life is a constant point of argument with us, Buffy. I
know you enjoy being with me, but then you fight it, too, and you go cold on
me. I spend half my time trying to guess what I can and can't do with you.
Sometimes you immediately give into what's between us, and sometimes you fight
it. I can't find a bloody pattern to it, and every time I touch you I have to
deal with the fear that you're going to reject me. You bounce me back and forth
like a rubber ball, and I got tired of it a long time ago."
Buffy was stiff in his arms. "Our
relationship is the way it is because of you, Spike. I keep rejecting you
because you're a vampire, and I don't want to be involved with a vampire."
"Well you are!" Spike sat up,
taking a moment to hold on to his tenuous control. Yelling at Buffy would get
him nowhere. "Look, we've gone back and forth about this for days now. I'm
a vampire, you hate vampires�yeah, I got it. But we both are what we are,
Buffy. Nothing's going to change that. My heart isn't going to miraculously
start beating, and this bond between us isn't going to go away. You're going to
be my mate for a very, very long time. And if I have to do that
constantly walking on eggshells, then I'm going to end up as crazy as
Drusilla."
"And you what, think this is all easy
for me?" Buffy snapped. "You think feeling this sort of thing for a
vampire doesn't make me feel like I'm going crazy?"
"No. I know this is hard for you, luv,
and I also know that I haven't done much to make it any easier for you. And I'm
sorry for that�I really am. But you're going to have to bend a little."
Spike sighed. "Look, I'm not asking you to love me. I've already accepted
that being with you means going the rest of my days without love. But can you
at least like me? A little bit? Enough to just stop fighting the physical aspect of our
relationship? Please, Buffy�"
Buffy opened her mouth to comment on the
fact that he seemed to be telling her that their relationship would be fine
with him as long as she gave him sex whenever he wanted it, when something else
he'd said stuck in her head. There had been a look in his eyes when he said
he'd accepted going without love, and something about it made her sad.� Could love really be that important to a
vampire? And if it was, then what had he sacrificed by
claiming her?
Until that moment, Buffy had never tried to
picture things from his side. He'd done this to her, so if anything bad
happened to him because of it, it was his own fault and therefore, what he
deserved. But now, she suddenly realized what he must've given up. She didn't
like to admit it, but she knew Spike was in love with her. She didn't
understand it, and it went against everything she'd ever believed about
vampires, but when she was completely honest with herself, she had to admit
that was what she felt from him through the claim. It was strong, and it was
real.
So if Spike could love her, then vampires
must be capable of love, at least in some way. Which meant Drusilla must have
loved him. She'd been with him for over a century, after all. By choosing in an
emotion-charged moment to claim her as his to protect her from Angelus, Spike
had lost Drusilla, and along with that anything the other woman had felt for
him.
Their relationship must've been more of a
strain on Spike than Buffy realized. He'd gone from someone who loved him back
to someone who couldn't even accept what he was. Not that she thought that
meant she should accept him because hey, vampire and all, but still, it
couldn't be easy for him.
She looked down at her hands and spoke
softly. "I'm sorry I can't be for you what she was. I just can't
be, Spike. I don't mean to be jerking you around, but my own emotions are
jerking me around. When you're touching me, everything else goes away,
and all I know is that I want you inside of me, but then afterwards I remember
what you are, and I'm disgusted with myself."
"Yeah, I've kinda picked up on
that," Spike said. "But you're only causing yourself more trouble,
Buffy. You're not going to stop wanting me, so you might as well just accept
it. It'll save yourself a lot of emotional drain. And
what did you mean by you can't be what she was?"
"Drusilla. I can't love you like she did." Buffy looked up
and frowned at his response to that. "Why are you laughing?"
"Dru never loved me, pet. Not anymore
than she loved those freaky little dolls of hers. I was another toy to her, a
plaything to either enjoy or be cross with, depending on her whim." Spike
chuckled softly. "Maybe I should just shut up about your mood swings.
They're nothing compared to hers."
"So our relationship is actually better
than the one you had with her?"
"Sad isn't it?"
"Just a little." The corner of Buffy's mouth twitched up in the
beginnings of a smile, but after a moment, she sobered again. "I wish I
could accept everything I feel for you, Spike. I know things would be easier
that way. But I just can't. You're a vampire. You're a killer."
"I'm not killing anymore," Spike
pointed out.
Buffy sighed. "You stopped less than a
week ago. And it's not like I have any real proof you won't kill again."
"I won't, Buffy. I promise you, I
won't."
"I'm sorry, Spike, but your promise
isn't good enough for me. You don't even have a soul."
Spike's head went down and he waited a
moment before he said almost inaudibly, "I could get one. If that would make it easier for you."
Buffy was taken aback by the offer, but she
soon replied, "How? It's not like you can go buy one down at the local
Wal-Mart."
He looked at her again. "Angelus got
one."
"Yeah, and from what I saw back in
Sunnydale, a lot of good it did him, too." Buffy let out a slow breath.
"If you got a soul, it wouldn't help anything. You'd still be a vampire
and it wouldn't undo anything you've done in the past. You'd still have blood
on your hands. My problem with being with you, Spike, isn't about the future. Even
if you never kill again, you still have in the past. You've murdered countless
people, and that's not something I'm okay with. You having a soul isn't going to change that for me."
"I'm not asking you to be okay with it.
If you were, you wouldn't be the woman I fell in love with. You're good, pet,
and as much as you hate me for being evil, I love you for being good. It's
ironic and insane, I know, but it's the truth. You�god, you glow. But
can't you just accept that I'm doing the best I can for you? I'm trying, Buffy.
I'm trying so hard. All I want in the world is to make you happy. If I could
walk out in the sunlight right now and let myself dust knowing it wouldn't hurt
you, too, I would, just to give you your freedom back."
Buffy's scream of "No!" surprised them
both, and Spike looked at her sharply. "Pet?"
"Don't�don't talk about being dust.
Please, Spike. And don't�don't try to make me analyze why that bothers me or
rub it in my face or whatever, but it does, so just�please�"
"Yeah, all right, no analyzing." A
grin pushed at his mouth and he couldn't fight it.
Buffy looked at him. "You're smiling.
Stop it."
"Can't help it. You like me."
"Do not!" Buffy said, a little too
quickly.
"Do, too. You'd miss me if I was dust.
You like me."
Buffy slapped his shoulder, though there
wasn't a lot of effort put into the action. "Shut up. This is rubbing my
face in it."
"No it isn't. Then I'd be taunting you
about it, which I'm not. I'm just happy to know that you like me."
Buffy let her hair cover part of her face as
she held her thumb and index finger a small ways apart. "Just
a little bit. And only sometimes. When you're not pissing me off. Which is
almost never."
Spike's grin broke wide across his face.
"Hey, that's more than I thought I'd ever get."
Buffy shook her finger at him. "No
bringing this up later."
"Yeah, I know. You'll deny you ever
said it, or blame it on the claim, or Martians controlling your brain, or
whatever your excuse of the day is."
"Hey! I've never blamed anything on
Martians!"
"Not yet."
Buffy pouted. "I don't think I like you
anymore."
"Yes you do. And admit it, there are worse people you could be with."
"Nope. You're the worst," Buffy insisted, though the
twinkle in her eyes led Spike to believe she didn't really mean it.
"Sure there is. You could be with, uh,
Gilbert Gottfried."
Buffy's eyebrow arched. "Gilbert
Gottfried?"
"Yeah. Can you imagine having to listen to that
voice for centuries?"
Buffy couldn't fight her chuckle.
"Okay, point. You're better than him."
"Or hey, that freaky looking comedian
bloke�Carrot Top. I have to beat him, right?"
"Yeah, okay, him, too," Buffy
admitted, laughing a little more.
"Mickey Rourke?"
"Okay, fine. You win. There are hideous
people in the world, I could be stuck with them, and instead I get your gorgeous
self. Happy now?"
"I'm gorgeous?"
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Like
you don't already know."
"Well, I don't actually have a
reflection," Spike pointed out, smirking.
"Right, 'cause you strut like a man who
doesn't know he's gorgeous. All that swagger�please."
"You know, we should have conversations
like this more often. You like me and I'm gorgeous. This is good."
Buffy flopped back onto the bed.
"Great. Now I've inflated your ego."
Spike lay back down beside her. "Well,
it's about time you did. Usually you just kick it."
"And yet somehow, I think it's managed
to survive."
Spike chuckled. He turned on his side so he
was facing her and Buffy moved her head to look at him. Gazing into her green
eyes made something well up inside of him that he'd never felt before he met
her. "Buffy?"
The way he said her name told Buffy the mood
of their conversation had gone back to serious, and she answered him softly.
"Yes?"
"There's something else that's been
happening, with the claim. I think�I think I should probably discuss it with
you."
Buffy stiffened. "Oh god, what is it
now?"
"No, it's nothing bad. Not for you
anyway. It's�" Spike took his eyes away from hers. "About
what I mentioned earlier�about getting a soul. I don't�I don't think I'd
even need to. I think� I think I might be sharing yours." There, he'd said
it, the thing that had been weighing on him for days now. It was out in the
open, and he couldn't ignore it anymore.
"What?" Buffy's brow furrowed.
"Sharing my soul? That doesn't even make sense�"
"It does," Spike replied. "We
share everything now. And it isn't like I have my own. It's not affecting me
that strongly. But I'm feeling, well, guilt about some things. And in
118 years as a vampire, I've never felt an ounce of guilt before." He
swallowed, pausing for a moment before he continued. "Buffy, I've heard
stories about other vampires who claimed humans. It was never all that common,
and I've never met one, but from the stories I've heard, the vampires often
times went crazy. I thought it could've just been from having to share so much
with a human, but now I'm wondering if maybe it was the soul. Maybe they kept
feeding, and there started being guilt attached to that or something."
"Do you feel like you're going
crazy?"
Spike shook his head. "No. Not like that
anyway. I mean, you make me want to pull my hair out most of the time, but I
don't feel like I'm going to start cowering in the corner rocking back and
forth or anything."
"So you don't know it's my soul?"
"I don't know what it is. I don't
understand what I'm feeling, I just know it's
something new."
Buffy pondered that with a frown. This was
something else she hadn't thought of before now�how the claim could be changing
Spike. She'd focused so much on everything it was doing to her, that she
hadn't even begun to think about what it could be doing to him. She'd assumed
that since the claim had come from the vampire, then it must be only trying to
change her to make her the right sort of mate for him. But was it really not as
one-sided as that?
And if it wasn't, did that mean it wasn't
the malicious force that Buffy kept trying to make it be? What exactly was the
true nature of a claim?
Buffy didn't know, and she was beginning to
realize Spike didn't really either. He had known more than her, but it seemed
to be mostly from things he'd heard than from actual experience. He was as lost
in all of this was she was.
It was something she hadn't realized before,
and somehow, she found it comforting. Maybe Spike really didn't have control
over her the way she'd feared. Maybe they were equals in all of this.
She curled up against his chest, noting idly
that his lack of heartbeat didn't bother her at all anymore, and deciding not
to care. Spike draped his arms loosely around her, but didn't press for sex or
even more talk, and Buffy was glad for that. She wanted the silence and the
light touch. Her head was sore from what they'd already discussed that day, and
she couldn't take anymore.
All she wanted at the moment was to rest in
the arms of her lover, and apparently, that was good enough for him now, too.

***
*** ***
A few people have asked if I'm going to
start moving forward soon with more plot based chapters, and I am, very soon. I
just feel like I needed to get them to a point in their relationship where they
could begin to work together as a team.
Please remember to review!
- 25
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Blood and Fire