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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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“There’s nothing here, B. It’s dead. Like really dead.” Of course it’s dead, it’s a cemetery. And since when does Faith say ‘like really dead?’ It sounds really weird. I think we’ve been hanging out too much. That’s right, Faith and I have been hanging out every day for the last week, and things are pretty perfect.
“Let’s just look for a little longer, ok?” We’ve patrolled every cemetery tonight, and we’ve found nothing. No demons, no vampires, not even any stray dogs or cats. I hate it when the hell mouth is quiet. It always means something is coming, and I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the Nazi vamps.
“You’re so tense, B,” she says and I glance over at her. She has that little smirk on her face that means she’s up to no good. She grabs onto my arm and we both stop walking. She looks into my eyes and hers are so intense right now, and I know exactly what she’s thinking. “Why don’t you let me help you unwind?” God, she could not be any sexier right now if she tried. She tries to kiss me, but I pull away.
Remember when I said things were ‘pretty perfect’? Well pretty perfect doesn’t mean absolutely perfect. I don’t really know what’s wrong with me, but I just can’t have sex with Faith. I want to, and she wants to, but there’s just something that feels really weird about it. We made out a little bit yesterday and it felt so wrong, and dirty. Deep down I know what the problem is but I’m too afraid to say.
“What’s wrong, B? We’re all alone, not a living thing is around. So what’s the problem?” I don’t want to just be your sex buddy. That’s the problem. I’m in love with her, and I know she loves me. She said so herself at Willow’s house that time we spent the night. I don’t want to be her dirty little secret that she writes down on a post card and uses it to block her face for some lame video by a dumb band. But I don’t say any of that.
“It’s just really weird to do that here. It’s a cemetery. We should respect the dead, not have sex by their graves.” The look in her eyes changes a little. There’s still plenty of lust, but now there’s something else that I can’t quite put my finger on.
“Last time you didn’t seem to mind.” What the fuck did she just say? “Come on, B, let’s see if I can make you scream again.” In the blink of an eye she’s kissing me. Her arms wrap around me, and her hands instantly go to my shoulder blades and ass. I hate that this feels so good because it makes that much harder to say no. By a sheer act of God I pull back from that very hot kiss.
“Faith, no,” I say and I sound very breathless. Probably because I can’t seem to catch my breath. She looks turned on, and confused, and a little irritated. She deserves to know how I really feel. I know she does, but I just can’t force myself to say the words. So instead I say, “Last time it was the heat of the moment. I completely forgot where we were. The next time we’re together…like that, I want it to be in a house. A bed preferably.” She sighs and the confused look goes away.
“Alright, B. You win.” She sounds frustrated and it hurts a little bit. I know she’s not mad at me. At least I hope she’s not mad at me. I think she’s just frustrated because she has all this pent up sexual need, and she hasn’t had any release. She leaves a little kiss on my lips and lets me go.
“Want to go to the Bronze? I think a band from LA is playing there tonight.” We haven’t been to the Bronze together in a while. Once or twice since I declared my love for her but that was only so Xander and Willow wouldn’t get all suspicious. I really want to dance with her, and maybe this time I won’t use the L word and she won’t storm off.
“No. I don’t really feel like going tonight.” I feel her eyes scan my body, and I can’t help but shiver at the feeling. “There’s nothing out here tonight, B. I’m gonna call it a night. Sam’s probably still awake buggin your mom. Maybe I’ll read her a couple stories or somethin.” I nod my head a little bit and look down at my shoes. “You comin?” I would be if I could just let myself be with you.
“No. I’m not ready to go home yet. I’m gonna check out the Bronze and see if that band is playing.” She says goodnight and I say it back, and just like that she’s gone. I let out a very frustrated sigh, and start walking. I’m not really going to the Bronze, but I didn’t want her to feel bad about leaving me alone. I don’t like going to the Bronze by myself. That’s just plain depressing. So I think I’ll just walk around for a little while.
Not a whole lot has happened in the last week but at the same time tons has happened. Yeah, I’m just as confused. Things between Faith and my mom have definitely changed. After my mom got home from her trip Faith had a talk with her in the kitchen while I watched Sam upstairs. I was up there for two hours and when I came down for something to drink they were in the living room, Faith was curled up against my mom, and she was asleep. The tear stains on her face made it obvious that she cried until she passed out.
Ever since then Faith and my mom have been even closer than they were before. I really don’t want to think this because when I do I’m filled with a very violent rage, but I think maybe my mom was abused by someone too. It would explain why they’re so close now.
Faith is definitely treating my mom more like a mom, which I don’t mind. The other night I heard Faith crying so I got up to go comfort her, but I opened my door just in time to see her sneaking into my mom’s room. I know it’s sad and everything that she was crying, but Faith sneaking into my mom’s room like a little kid was pretty cute. Just don’t tell her I said that.
Willow and Xander are starting to get suspicious. They haven’t been to my house since Faith moved in, and every time they suggest coming over I always suggest something else. Plus Willow is totally fishing for info about me and Faith. I guess she thinks something is up. I would too. Ok, so first I totally hate Faith, and then we become sort of friends and she starts hanging out with us more, then she stops coming around altogether, and now we’re like BFF’s or something.
Willow is definitely getting jealous of that little development. She hasn’t said anything but I can tell. Whenever Faith comes around Willow always gets all tense and uppity. And whenever Faith suggests we do something together Willow jumps in and says something like “me and Buffy are going to study tonight, right Buff?” And then Faith gets this irritated look on her face, and then they start bickering about the dumbest stuff. Why can’t they just get along?
Things between me and Faith are definitely different. You saw what happened earlier, right? There was potential for some hot girl on girl action, of course you were paying attention. Like I said before, I really want to be with her but I want it to be for real. I don’t want any more secrets. I feel like I’m suffocating I’m keeping so many already.
I guess a big part of that is because Faith still isn’t over Tanner. They were together for a long time, and they had a kid together. It’s going to take more than a week for her to move on. And when I’m with her, when we make love, I want her to be mine. I don’t want her heart to be anyone else’s. Well, ok, Sam gets a piece too, but you get what I mean, right? I don’t want to sound selfish, it just happens.
I do feel like I’m being crushed, though. It isn’t just the Faith stuff either. Those vampires are still out there, and they took another little girl. Well, it’s safe to say that they did it. We won’t know for sure until I find them. Giles told me that I have to kill them if they’ve been turned, and I told him I could, but I don’t know if I can or not.
Everything is just piling up, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I know Faith is a slayer too so she shares the responsibility, but I’ve been doing this alone for so long, what if I can’t let part of the burden go? What if I always feel like this is all mine to take care of? Those little girls are dead, ripped away from their families, and it’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault.
When I start climbing the tree I’m on total auto pilot. I’ve done this probably a thousand times before. Everything is getting to be too much. I just can’t take it anymore. If I try to keep all of this bottled up inside I know something bad is going to happen. Either I’ll have some type of mental breakdown, or be distracted while I’m patrolling and die. And trust me that would suck.
I take a deep breath and gather up as much courage as I can. How come I can slay vampires, kill demons, and save the earth from certain doom without thinking twice but when it comes to the normal teenage girl stuff I’m just as lost as everyone else? It’s almost like I’m stuck inside a TV show. It’ll show me slay vampires by night, go to school by day, and every season will have a different shot of me looking totally badass at the end of the opening credits. Yeah right. Like anyone would want to watch that.
I knock on the door and instantly my palms start sweating really bad. Why am I so fucking nervous? I’ve never been this nervous before. At least not because of being here. Coming here has always made me feel a little safer. Like as soon as I step inside those French doors it’s harder for the things I’m afraid of to get me. The door opens and I can’t stop myself from holding my breath.
“Buffy, hi. Not that it’s not nice to see you, but what are you doing here in the middle of the night?” Willow asks and gives me one of those little Willow-smiles. I guess she’s just trying to let me know she’s joking. She knows sometimes I need some best friend time after a long night’s patrol.
“Oh, you know, just stopped by to see a certain perky redhead. I could really use some perkiness right about now,” I say and she steps to the side so I can have space to walk into the room. I sit down on the foot of the bed, and watch her close the door. Now that I’m in here I have no idea what to say.
“So how was patrol tonight? Kill any big nasties or just the normal variety?” she asks. I give her a little smile, and she sits down at her desk but turns in the chair so she can face me.
“A big fat zero on both. It seems like ever since those vampires showed up all of the other baddies disappeared. I don’t know if I should be glad that the death rate is slowing down or worried about what it could mean. I just…don’t really want to think about it anymore.” She gives me an understanding nod, but then her eyebrows furrow a little.
“Yeah, I can see your point. You have enough stuff on your mind with everything else that’s going on.” I can tell she wants to say something but for whatever reason she’s holding back. I know exactly what to do in this type of situation: say nothing and eventually she’ll crack. About a minute goes of silence goes by and then she sighs. “So did you patrol with Faith tonight?” I nod and now she looks a little nervous.
I know exactly what she’s doing. She’s trying to pump me for information without actually pumping. Ok, that came out totally wrong. She’s asking me to spill my guts, and tell her what’s been going on with Faith and me without actually saying ‘I know something’s been going on, now spill’. And I came here with every intention to tell her everything, but now that I’m sitting here I know I can’t. Telling her those things would hurt Faith, and that’s the last thing I want to do.
“You and Faith have been hanging out a lot lately.” Again all I do is nod. I’m afraid if I open my mouth then I’ll let something slip and I really don’t want to do that. “Look, I don’t really know how to say this.” Oh God, she knows. How did she find out? Oh my God. “But if you want Faith to be your best friend now then I get it. I don’t like it, but you guys have more in common ‘cause of the slaying. So you don’t have to be sneaky about it.” What the fuck?
“Willow, no. I don’t want Faith to be my best friend.” She gives me a skeptical look. “You’re Willow, why would I want anyone else for the job?” I raise my eyebrow a little bit but I keep going before she can answer. “Faith and I have been getting a little closer, and a little friendlier.” Totally friendlier. As in ‘I wanna see you naked’. “But that doesn’t mean she could ever replace you, and I don’t want her to try.” She gets that type of smile on her face when her tongue sticks out a little bit and that makes me smile.
“Ok, but Buff, something has definitely been going on, right? I can’t figure out exactly what, but there’s something about the way you two look at each other that just screams there’s something going on.” The smile is gone and now she’s a mix of curiosity and concern. Those two things put together can lead to her resolve face, and that’s never a good thing.
“There is something,” I say, and look down at my fingernails. Wow, I have a lot of dirt under there. I’m going to have to start scrubbing under them to get all of that dirt out. Ok, I need to stop avoiding this. The only way I’m going to feel better is by talking about it. That’s what everyone is always saying, right? Conflict resolution and whatnot.
“What is it, Buffy? You can tell me. You can tell me anything,” she says and sits down on the bed next to me. I know I can tell her most things. I can’t tell her the whole story. But I have to try and tell her as much as possible. She’s my best friend, if anyone can help me with this problem it’s her.
“I can’t tell you everything,” I say, and she looks like she’s going to get upset. “I want to tell you everything, but I promised Faith I would keep some things to myself. I can’t break those promises.” She nods a little, and I sigh in relief that she understands, and isn’t going to make a big deal out of it.
“Ok, so what can you tell me?” she sounds a little hurt, and I think I know why. We’re best friends. Best friends are supposed to tell each other everything, and I’m keeping things from her, and she knows I have to. I know Willow very well, so I know she’ll want to ask, and not asking might drive her a little crazy. I do feel bad about keeping things from her, but I can’t break my promise.
“I think….” Oh come on, you big coward, just say it! “I don’t just think, I know, that I’m in love with Faith.” There I said it. I stare at my lap and don’t say another word. I don’t think Willow’s breathing anymore. I shouldn’t have told her. She’s going to think I’m some weird freak now.
“Ok, that was really unexpected. Because you’re a girl, and she’s a girl, and you’ve never been in love with a girl before. At least not that you’ve told me.” Oh yeah, she’s totally freaking out. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut. “But I guess if you take the fact that she’s a girl out of the equation, it’s not that surprising. You didn’t really like her when she got here and complained that she bugged you. And you did the same things with Angel.” Wow, didn’t see that coming.
“It’s not the same,” I say, and look at her face for the first time since I admitted my love for Faith. “Will, I think I screwed up and I don’t know what to do.” She looks even more concerned than before, and I can see the panic and shock start to leave her eyes. I’m still freaking out a little from actually telling her. I don’t think I can say the rest. “If you’re freaked out I can just go.” I go to get up but she puts her hand on my arm and I stop.
“I’m not freaked,” she says and I give her a skeptical look. “Ok, so I’m a little freaked, but I’ll get over it. You can still tell me anything, Buffy.” She stops talking and I nod my head a little. I don’t say anything though. I don’t know why this is so hard, but I can’t change the fact that it is. “Why do you think screwed up? What happened?” I don’t even know where to begin. “Did you tell her that you love her?” Yay, an easy question.
“Yeah, I did. I didn’t mean to it just sort of slipped out, and she completely freaked. She wouldn’t talk to me after that. Remember that night at the Bronze when Faith and I were dancing and she stormed out? That’s when I said it.” Her eyebrows almost touch her hairline, and her eyes get a little big.
“That was a month ago, Buffy,” she says, and she sounds a little hurt. I guess she thought it happened tonight or maybe a couple of days ago. I feel bad for making her feel this way, but what else was I supposed to do?
“There’s more,” I say, and run a hand through my hair. This is the part that she’s really not going to like. “About a week before I told her I love her, we….” I trail off and give her a meaningful look. Hopefully she’ll get it. And apparently she does because her eyes just tripled in size. If they were opened any wider they’d fall out of her head.
“You had sex with Faith?” she asks and puts emphasis on every word. I sigh and nod my head. I can practically hear the wheels turning inside her brain. “Oh my God, I don’t even know what to say, or think, or what to feel. I mean, this is like huge, and I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. Why didn’t you tell me?” She sounds curious, so she’s taking it better than I thought she would.
“It’s just so damn complicated, Will. We didn’t mean for it to happen, it just happened. She didn’t want anybody to find out, and we couldn’t be together. She has….” Fuck, almost slipped. That would’ve been bad. “…a lot of stuff going on. But now things are different and she wants to be with me again, and I want to be with her too, I really do, but I don’t just want to be a sex buddy.”
“Ok, ok, Buffy, breathe. I think you just stole my title of fasted talker in the world.” I can’t help but smile for a second, but then I go back to being confused and frustrated. “Do you know if Faith has feelings for you or not?” I take in a deep breath, and it actually calms me down a little.
“Yeah, she does. But she thought I was asleep. She told me to stop thinking that she hates me because she loves me, but she hasn’t said anything officially. I’m just so lost. I want to be with her, but it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t know what it would mean to her.” I sigh a very deep, emo-ish sigh, and rub my face with both my hands.
“I know I’m stating the obvious, but the only way you’re going to know for sure is if you talk to her about it,” she says and I can hear the little smile on her face. “I hate to bring this up and make even more confused, but what are you going to do about Scott? If you’re all in love with Faith, shouldn’t you break up with him? I mean, you kinda did cheat on him. And by ‘kinda’ I mean ‘totally, completely’.” Make me feel worst why doncha? Willow is a really good friend, but she knows how to make a person feel horrible about themselves.
“I’m going to break up with him. I never really wanted to date him in the first place. I was just trying to distract myself from all of the confusing feelings I had for Faith.” She nods her head a little and I can tell by the look on her face that she wants to ask me something. “What?” She blushes a little bit, and looks all shy.
“How was it?” How was what? She’s totally confusing me right now. “When you and Faith…” she gives me the same meaningful look that I gave her. “…what was it like?” I can’t believe she just asked me that question. I blush and smile as I think back and remember what it was like having Faith on top of me like that.
“It was……intense, and amazing. Everything happened so fast, but when we started to….” I trail off and blush about a thousand times more then I already was. “It felt like time stopped, and everything just melted away. She made me feel so…I can’t even describe it. It just felt so right, like our bodies were made for each other, and well, I already told you that I want to be with her again.”
“Wow,” she says with this total awestruck voice. I guess I got a little carried away with the description. “Well my official best friend advice would be to talk to her. You need to tell her what you want so she doesn’t have different expectations.” She’s right. The only way to resolve this is by talking to Faith about it instead of giving her lame excuses for why I won’t have sex with her.
“I think that’s what I’m going to do. She’s probably still awake. She was a little frustrated tonight so she probably won’t be able to fall asleep for a while.” I hope I don’t walk in on her doing anything dirty………nevermind, I totally hope I walk in on her doing something dirty. That would be so hot to see.
“Ok, but don’t you think you should break up with Scott first?” she asks and she’s wearing her worried face that reminds me of my mom when I tell her I can do my homework later, and it’s already nine o’clock at night.
“I’m not going to put it off forever, but I want to talk to her tonight while I’m still determined. If I put it off I might chicken out.” I know if I put it off for after I break up with Scott then I’ll chicken out. Then again, if Faith rejects me and she doesn’t want to be more then sex buddies, then I might not break up with Scott. Ok, don’t think that far ahead or you will chicken out.
“When it comes to talking to people about your feelings, you do tend to resemble poultry,” she says with a teasing smile on her face. I roll my eyes and the look on her face changes. “Oh stop, you know I’m just teasing.” The look on her face changes again, only this time she looks serious. “Are you going to tell your mom that you’re a lesbian? Or bisexual? Or…what are you exactly?” Good question. I think ‘head case’ sums it up nicely.
“I have no idea. A bisexual, I guess. I’ve never felt this way about another girl before, let alone slept with one. And I’m still attracted to some guys, but Faith is the only one I really want.” She has a little smirk on her face and I know exactly what it means. “Go ahead, let it out.”
“Awwwww, you’re so cute. I can so see it now: you and Faith walking through all the cemeteries hand in hand, and going out for ice cream afterwards and getting one big milkshake and drinking out of it with two straws. She’ll make a joke about her little double h rule and you’ll blush and look away. She’ll make you stakes and let you use that knife she takes almost everywhere, and you’ll braid flowers into her hair, and read her love poems.” I roll my eyes and sigh.
“Ok, that’s enough. You better not tell any of that to Faith. She might die laughing,” I say around my giggles. I can totally picture us doing all of those things that Willow just mentioned, and I have to admit it sounds really nice. I think the only way I’ll ever get Faith to let me braid flowers in her hair is with sexual favors.
“You do realize that if you start dating and you tell Xander he’s going to die from dehydration from all the drooling, right?” she says, and we both start laughing. Oh man, I can see the look on his face now. His eyes will get all big, and his mouth will hang open, and he’ll be totally speechless. Then the shock will wear off, and he’ll probably make a joke about a threesome, and ask for details. After we calm down, I give Willow a big hug.
“Thanks for letting me hang out. I feel tons better,” I say, and she hugs me back. That was totally cheesy, but I had to say it. Talking actually made me feel a little better, and she helped me get all determined about talking to Faith. “Ok, hug fest over.” We both laugh and I stand up. “I should go. I need to talk to Faith before she goes to bed.” I leave Willow’s house with tingly anticipation growing in my belly. Well, here goes nothin’.
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Know Who I Am