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Know Who I Am	By : Paigie Category: -Buffy the Vampire Slayer > FemmeSlash - Female/Female > Buffy/Faith Views: 4757 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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We got home about half an hour ago, but it feels like we’ve been here for days. There’s so much tension in the air right now I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t even want to imagine what Faith is feeling. Giles finally convinced the both of us to take Sam to the hospital. We drove to one in LA and used fake names. Giles paid for everything, and Faith kept insisting that she’ll pay him back but I know he won’t let her.
Sam’s wrist is broken like Giles thought. Nothing too serious though. It’s just a hairline fracture. She’s in a splint, or something I can’t remember what the doctor called it, and it can come off in a couple of weeks. She freaked out when the doctor tried to touch her so they gave her a sedative. She’s still asleep, which is good because Faith is having a hard time dealing and she needs some quiet. She hasn’t said a word since we left the hospital, and that was a little over two hours ago. Sam is on the couch, she hasn’t been upstairs yet.
She’s taking her time cleaning up the mess down here. I offered to help but she just shook her head no. So while she’s in the kitchen cleaning up all of the cans, and puke I’m in here keeping an eye on Sam. The doctor couldn’t say exactly when the drug would wear off, I guess it’s different for everyone, and I don’t think Sam should be alone when she wakes up. She’ll probably be groggy and in pain. Her wrist is the only broken bone, but the rest of her is going to be sore.
God, I don’t know how I should explain all of this to my mom. Should I do it or should I let Faith explain? It’s her life, her boyfriend that did the damage. I don’t know if she’d want me telling my mom or not. I guess I’ll have to talk to her about it. But that can wait. I’m not going to bother her about it tonight. I don’t think she would talk to me if I tried anyway.
I turn around when I hear footsteps and I see Faith walking towards the stairs. She stops at the bottom and just looks up. I would give almost anything to know what’s going through her mind right now. She slowly walks up the stairs just one step at a time. Faith usually takes the two at a time. But there’s nothing usual about tonight. She keeps going but she looks, I don’t know, scared I guess. It’s really weird seeing her like that. Faith’s usually the opposite.
When she’s out of sight I stand up. My first instinct is to go up with her. The room looks really bad, and I don’t think she should be alone. She might think a murder happened or something, but it’s not true. Sure I wanted to kill him, but you were there and you saw that all I did was smack him around and told him to get lost. But I don’t want to leave Sam down here all by herself. She might wake up and look around and freak out because she’s alone.
So I walk over to the couch and I gently pick Sam up. I cradle her in my arms, and smile down at her. She looks so peaceful and really cute right now. She twitches around a little bit but she doesn’t wake up. I very, very slowly head upstairs. I really don’t want to wake her up because I’m pretty sure Faith would kill me. When I get to the top of the stairs I stop and wait. Even though I was going slow there’s still a chance she might wake up……….ok, we’re good.
I walk into my bedroom and gently put her down on my side of the bed. My side is the most comfortable side because the mattress is broken in just right. I grab one of the extra blankets from the closet and cover her up. She moves around a little bit, and makes the cutest little whimpering sounds. I lean down very close to her little face and I softly kiss her on the forehead. Her little eyebrows knit together and I can’t help but smile. Everything about her is just so tiny and cute.
“What I said to your mom goes double for you cutie. He’s never going to lay another hand on you. I promise.” I give her another little kiss, and watch her for just a minute longer. How can someone hurt something so…defenseless? I just don’t get it. Why would he do something like that? I don’t think I want to know. I don’t really care about the why. All I truly care about is making sure it never happens again.
I walk out into the hall and look over at Faith’s door. It’s wide open and I can see perfectly inside. Well, I would be able to if she wasn’t standing in the doorway and just staring into the room. I really want to know what she’s thinking. I want to know how to make it better. It isn’t going to be an easy thing. There’s no wound to wrap up, no bruise that will fade in a few hours, and no booboo to kiss all better. I’ve been hanging around Sam just a little too much, that’s for sure.
I take a couple of steps towards her, but I guess she can hear me, or maybe it’s just a coincidence but before I can get near her she walks into the room. She doesn’t shut the door, or say anything or even turn around to look at me. She just looks around the room. I see her shoulders tense up when she looks at the bed. There are some bloodstains on it, most likely from last night when Tanner was beating her. But I don’t think her reaction has to do with the blood. I think it’s because of the other thing.
She sits down at the foot of the bed and picks u the t-shirt that Tanner threw on the bed before he left. The way she’s holding it, and the way she’s looking at it it’s almost like the shirt is the more fragile thing on the planet. After just looking at it for a couple of minutes she slowly brings the shirt up to her face and smells it. Tears instantly well up in her eyes and seeing her so sad, so……broken makes me want to cry.
I can’t just stand here and do nothing. She’s in so much pain, and I love her way too much to just walk away, or keep standing here. So I go into the room, and sit down next to her on the bed. Now that I’m in here I don’t really know what to do, but I don’t know if that would be the right thing. So I just sit, and watch as she pulls at a little string on the shirt.
“Did you…” she says just barely above a whisper but then she stops. I turn a little bit so I’m facing her but she won’t look at me. She can’t take her eyes off that old, very worn down shirt. “You didn’t hurt him too bad, right? Is he gonna die if he doesn’t get to a hospital?” I wish that were the case. I sigh and think about holding one of her hands. That’s what I really want to do, but I don’t.
“He’ll be ok.” It isn’t fair that he will be though. Someone real needs to put him in the ground. “There was a little bit of hitting but nothing fatal.” She nods her head and the tears fall down her face and land in her lap. Ok, I have to do something. I can’t just sit here. I gently rest my hand on her back, and she starts to shake. I guess she’s trying not to cry.
“He wasn’t always like this,” she says and her voice has a tremble to it. I start to gently rub her back because it’s all I can think of at the moment. I think it’s pretty clear I have no idea what to do. “He used to be so…..gentle, and he would never do anything to hurt me. But one day, like almost a year before I became the slayer, he got home from work and he was so pissed off. I don’t even know why.” A sob escapes her throat, and I put my other hand on her knee.
“We started screamin at each other and he hit me. It happened all the time after that, but then he got better. Things were going good, he got a better job, and Sam was sleepin all through the night. And then he started drinking. I was gonna leave him, I wanted to but I didn’t have anywhere to go.” I run my fingers through her hair, and even more tears cascade down her face. “One night I told him if he didn’t stop I’d go to the cops, and he said if I did that he’d just make bail, and take Sam away from me.”
She starts sobbing, and I carefully wrap my arms around her. There’s a line here that I know I can’t cross but I don’t really know where it is. I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, and I don’t want her to think that I’m…taking advantage or something. I just want to comfort her, and maybe I can. She rests her head against my shoulder, and her crying is getting worst. Ok, maybe I can’t comfort her.
“Faith, he’s never going to touch you again. I swear to God he won’t. I’d die before I let anything else happen to you or Sam.” I hug her a little tighter and just let her cry. I know she’s crying partly because she’s sad he’s gone. I know that sounds like it can’t be true, but they were together for a really long time, and at one point she did love him. It might take a long time but eventually she’ll move on and then maybe…no. I’m not even going to think about that right now.
“How did it get so fucked?” she asks between her sobs. I just rub her back, and run my fingers through her hair. There’s no use trying to answer the question since this is something I don’t have the answer to. “What did I do wrong? Why did he stop loving me?” Ok, so I didn’t say anything to the first question, but I can’t let her think that. It’s not right. None of this is her fault.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. Tanner is the one to blame, not you.” I’m whispering right in her ear. My lips are lightly brushing up against the shell. Her ear is so red, and so hot because of the crying. “I don’t know why he doesn’t love you, but that’s his loss. You’re not worthless, you’re not lower then dirt.” Those are some of the things he said to her. “You deserve a million times better than him. You deserve someone who will treat you like a princess. And don’t even let anyone convince you that you don’t.” I know I probably shouldn’t but I leave a little kiss on her ear.
She just keeps crying, and I keep holing her. I’m not going to leave her while she’s like this. That would be a total dick thing to do, and I try not to be one of those. I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting here, but when I glance over at the clock I see that it’s two in the morning. Luckily I don’t have school tomorrow or that would be a big problem.
A few minutes goes by and Faith’s body shaking sobs are now just little hiccups. I think it sounds kind of cute, but I force myself not to smile because I would totally seem like an ass if I did that. Especially if she saw me. When the hiccups become few and far between she sits up, but I don’t let go of her completely. I put a hand on her knee, and I use the other to wipe away some of her tears.
I’ll admit I’m being a little selfish right now. I got to hold her for a long time, but I don’t want to lose the contact. I know I probably sound like a total perv, wanting to touch her while she’s in so much pain, but I can’t help it. I’m not doing this just for me. I want to try and make her feel better.
“Sorry,” she says and gently touches the shoulder she was leaning on. There’s a lot of moisture there from her tears, and another more disgusting bodily fluid. I just look into her now very red eyes and try not to frown because of all the pain in them.
“It’s ok. It’s just a shirt. Nothing a washer and dryer won’t fix.” She smiles a very tiny smile that only lasts about half a millisecond. Then she sniffles very loudly and I have to force myself not to gag at the sound of her swallowing. Ok, that was one of the grossest things I’ve ever heard. Oh well. “Do you want me to get you a tissue?” She shakes her head no. She grabs a towel off the floor and wipes her nose with that.
When she’s done she drops the towel to the floor and just stares at her feet. I wonder if she wants me to go. I don’t want to leave. I’ll stay by her side forever, but if she wants me to go there’s nothing I can do about that. Just when I’m about to say something she looks up at me. She looks…….different then she did a minute ago. The look in her eyes has changed.
I hold my breath as she leans in. She stops right before she touches my lips. She looks into my eyes and I look right back. I have no idea what’s running through her head, and I can’t read her expression. Then she kisses me, and the whole world fades away. I close my eyes and very slowly kiss her back. I feel her hand on the back of my neck pulling me a little closer.
As soon as her tongue touches my bottom lip things start to get a little…out of control. I’m keeping up with her the best I can but it’s like she’s trying to devour me and I’m too weak to stop it. She does this little thing where it’s like she’s rolling her tongue and I can’t help the moan that escapes the back of my throat. I lean my body towards her a little more when she puts her other hand on my side. Then I feel her trying to lay me down.
“Faith, wait.” I put my hand on her chest to push her away a little. She looks so confused and turned on that I want to kiss her again but I don’t. “Not like this. I know you’re hurting really bad right now, but things will just get really weird between us, and things have been weird enough lately.” She looks so sad again and I feel like an asshole. “I’m not saying never. I’m just saying we should wait awhile so we do it for the right reasons.” She nods her head a little and sighs.
“Ok,” she says and sighs again. Then she gets a different look on her face. She looks kind of…shy. “I don’t wanna be alone right now, you know? Do you think you can stay in here tonight?” I nod my head and give her a little kiss on the cheek. “I need to put Sam to bed.” She tries to get up but I stop her.
“I put her in my room before I came in here. She’ll be ok.” God, I hope so because I will kill that little creep if she isn’t. “I just need to change and I’ll be back.” I leave a little kiss on her lips, and then I get up and leave the room. I know I should keep my lips to myself but I’ve missed the feel of her lips on mine. I can’t believe I’m going to share a bed with Faith. I hope I can control myself or things will get very…interesting.
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Know Who I Am